To Un-Sandpaper the Universe

"This world is full of imperfection; like a block of wood that has been sanded too much. If only I could rid the world of its faults and create a perfect world in its stead. That is what this dimension needs: someone to un-sandpaper the universe."

"Uh, what?"

"What?"

"Oh, sorry. It's just-"

"Just what?"

"That's kind of a weird way to start a conversation, you know?"

"Right, right. I suppose you are right."

"Like, normally on a date, you're supposed to ask questions to get to know each other better. And then, you talk a little about yourself. Let me start: Hi, my name is Sam. I work at a pet store, partly because I need the money and partly because I just really like dogs.”

“First of all, I know your name from the dating app we found each other with. Stating it again was redundant. And secondly, who doesn’t like dogs? You’d have to be a deranged supervillain not to like puppies.”

“Funny. As opposed to a sensible supervillain, right?”

“Yes! Finally someone gets it. Supervillains today are so impractical, what with their gaudy leather outfits and fortresses stuffed to the brim with spikes. I mean, think of the upkeep required. You’d have to send a minion down to polish each individual spike, and if they slip and fall on the spikes you’ve got to start the whole process all over again! A complete waste of time and budget if you ask me. Spikes, I mean, not minions. Minions are multipurpose tools of destruction. Or at least, that’s what my mother’s always said.”

“Wait hold on, I was just kidding about that! You’re, like, an actual supervillain?”

“Well, not here, anyways. And not yet. You see, back in my home dimension, I come from a long line of villainous overlords. I have been selected to succeed as their ruler, when the time comes of course, and following the strict guidelines of villainous governing set forth in The Documentation of Evil.”

“Slow down. ‘Home Dimension’? ‘Documentation of Evil’? What is even going on here? I mean, I guess I should have seen the red flags when the first pic on your profile page was you next to a giant death ray. I thought that was just photoshopped.”

“Oh no, it’s a very real death ray. And I can assure you, it’s just as big in real life as it is in the photo. Wink wink.”

“Um, you just said ‘wink wink’, but you didn’t actually wink.”

“Oh, my mistake. Let me correct that.”

“Now you’re just blinking really fast.”

“Argh, curse it all!! My apologies, I’m still learning some things about human behavior.”

“Right. You said you were from another dimension which, by the way, makes you sound absolutely insane.”

“You don’t believe me, do you? Go on then, laugh at me!”

“I’m not laughing, but I am curious where you’re going with this whole thing. There’s weird stories people make up to entice me on a first date, and then there’s whatever you’re going on about.”

“Ah. Well then. Thank you. For not laughing at me. Sam, was it?”

“Yeah. You never did tell me your name by the way, oh Future Evil Overlord of another dimension.”

“I thought we agreed that saying our names again was redundant.”

“Right, but there’s just one issue; I don’t really know how to pronounce your name.”

“Oh that’s easy. It’s pronounced Trevonglovo Ingnatilus Dialvolox. Or at least, the simplified version of it is easy. My real name is beyond the capacity of human speech.”

“Can I just call you Trevor?”

“Trevor? Hmmm. Tre-vor. Trevor. Trrrrrrrrevor. I like the sound of that name. Yes, I do think that from now on, I will be going by Trevor when in the human dimension.”

“Great. That makes things a bit easier.”

“Good. I want humans to be able to understand me better when I conquer them.”

“So now we can get back to talking about normal dating stuff- wait did you say ‘conquer them’? As in, ‘conquer all of humanity’?”

“Yes. I thought my intentions were obvious. I even had a whole speech planned out. I was going to give the whole thing at the start of this date, but then you rudely interrupted by saying we should talk about ourselves instead. You know, because we’re ‘on a date’ as you put it.”

“I didn’t mean to be rude or anything, but how in the world are you going to conquer humanity?”

“May I be honest with you for just a moment, Sam?”

“I don’t know, Trevor. Are you going to vaporize me at the end of this conversation to keep your secrets from leaking out?”

“Oh no, I would never do that!”

“That’s a relief.”

“If I wanted you vaporized, I’d hire a minion to do it sometime after our conversation. Discreetly, of course.”

“Jeez, the way you said that almost makes it sound like you’re serious.”

“Well, I am serious.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. If I thought you were a threat to my mission, I would destroy you on the spot, though I would take no joy in it. I plan to destroy as few of you as possible, though I still expect there to be casualties.”

“Jeez! Why in the world would you say something like that?”

“Because it’s true, and I thought humans valued honesty.”

“Well, we usually do, but there’s a fine line between honesty and creepiness.”

“Oh, is that the issue? If so, I can make my description of your imminent demise much creepier.”

“No, you’re missing the point!”

“Am I? I thought humans liked specificity. Now I’m very confused. You see, the dimension of humans makes no sense. If I conquer it, I can make it make sense, and compel all humans to worship the members of my family. It’s a win-win scenario!”

“Oh God you’re actually serious about all this. Well, uh, it just so happens that we humans like things the way they are right now, and really don’t feel like being conquered.”

“Well, it’s either that or death to you all. The choice seems pretty clear to me.”

“We… we really don’t want either.”

“Well you simply don’t have a choice in the matter! Either I conquer your dimension, or my parents wipe humanity from existence! I never asked to take over your backwards dimension, but here I am!”

“Wait what?”

“If I do not take over your world by the end of the year, my parents have decided to destroy all of humanity.”

“Holy carp!”

“What do fish have to do with this subject?”

“Uh no, I mean, ugh, sorry. I’m not allowed to swear when I’m working at the pet shop, so I started fake swearing instead. Now it’s a part of my everyday speech.”

“Oh.”

“Like, seriously destroy all of humanity? I know you said your family is full of supervillains from another dimension, which still sounds crazy by the way, but can they really do something like that?”

“Easily, if they set their minds to do it. The process would likely take several years, but rest assured that the combined powers of my family could eradicate all of human existence.”

“But why humanity? What did we do to them?”

“Quite a lot, actually. My brothers and sisters came to this dimension before me, and they all had a rather terrible time. Their strangeness set them apart from the rest of you humans. They wouldn’t say much about what happened to them, but I understand it wasn’t fun. I think Zalzivarx died.”

“Oh my God.”

“It’s alright, he came back. For us, having our human bodies destroyed is but a minor inconvenience. Still, poor Zalzivarx remembered the pain he endured, the slow bleeding and finally, the ceasing of his heart.”

“Thanks for that little bit of nightmare fuel.”

“You’re welcome!”

“That was sarcasm.”

“Dammit! Why do I keep missing these things? Surely, I thought, if I lived amongst the humans, I would have learned how to understand your silly little word things. While my siblings hated your world, they really liked sarcasm. Now it’s catching on in my home dimension, and yet still their jokes fly over my head! And then they laugh, oh how they laugh! For once in my life, can I not be but the butt of their jokes?!”

“Jeez Trevor, what was that overreaction for? I didn’t realize sarcasm of all things was such a sensitive topic. You talked so calmly about murder that I almost figured nothing would bother you.”

“You wouldn’t be the first to think that, unfortunately. I’ve had to endure much because you humans won’t understand what does and doesn’t bother me.”

“Like what, exactly?”

“Well, just today, on the bus ride here, there was this tiny human with a mushy face. They would not stop crying and crying! And I can barely tolerate the noise of the bus as it is. So, I walked up to the big human holding the small one, and politely asked if she could dump a bucket of cement down the screaming human’s throat as to silence it forever. She gave me such a look, that large human. As did the other humans on the bus. What did I do to upset them? Perhaps I shouted it a bit too loudly?”

“Jeez, where do I even begin explaining this one?”

“You can begin by telling me how to make that woman and her screaming mini-human obey me. If I am to conquer the world, I must be able to conquer them! What is the easiest way to demand them to do my bidding?”

“Okay, slow down there. I don’t think running up to someone and demanding them to ‘do your bidding’ is a good idea.”

“Why not? It’s worked for me before.”

“Well maybe it worked for you in your home dimension, but on Earth, people don’t like being ordered around.” 

“Well the way I see it- wait, hold that thought. That’s impossible.”

“What’s impossible?”

“Outside the window of this café, it’s that blasted human and her tiny screaming human! How did they follow me?”

“I don’t think they followed you, Trevor. They probably just got off at the same stop.”

“Well it doesn’t matter whether they followed me or not, for now is the perfect time to take my revenge. You do not mind being my minion and obeying my every whim, do you Sam?”

“Well I’m not usually into that sort of- wait what am I saying?! No! I’m not helping you attack some random mother and her child. I don’t care if you’re hot; agreeing to meet up with you after we met on that dating app was a bad idea to begin with! I’m going home and staying out of this.”

“Wait, Sam! Don’t go just yet! I need you!”

“You need me for your plan, right? Just what exactly do you want me to do, and why in the world do you think I’d agree to help you?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure. Even now, all I know is that I know nothing about you, and about this world I must conquer to save. I’m so scared, everyday, that I will fail in my mission. And if I fail, humanity and the other world which I have been fascinated by for so long, will be destroyed. And I will return home a failure, and be laughed at once again. I simply cannot allow failure to occur!”

“Look, I’m really sorry, but I have my own life to worry about; I can’t get involved in some ‘End of the World’ shenanigans right now. Isn’t there anyone else who can help you? Anyone at all?”

“None from my villainous household, or my home dimension as a whole. As for humans, you are the only one I have told of my true identity, Sam.”

“Jesus Christ, why me? Why did it have to be me?”

“You were the first to respond. I had heard from one of my siblings that, according to human customs, romantic partners tell each other absolutely everything! I figured finding a partner would be the easiest way to gain information about this world. It is also why I told you everything to do with my family and my mission here on Earth.”

“Look, you seem slightly deranged, but you have good intentions. I think. This is a lot for me to process. I just got out of some stuff and I was really hoping this date would just be a fun little ‘let’s get to know each other’ thing. I wasn’t prepared for all this ‘Fate of the World’ stuff.”

“I understand. If you wish to leave, I suppose it would be wrong of me to stop you.”

“You know, for a villain, you’re really considerate.”

“But if it’s not too much to ask, I’d still like to message you with any questions I have about the human world. Your cooperation would be very much valued. Everyone else thinks I’m a lunatic, but I’ve partly managed to convince you I’m not, so that’s a victory in my book. And besides, there’s still so much I want to learn about you, Sam!”

“You sure you won’t be too busy conquering the world?”

“I’ll have you know that I am very lonely. And so are you. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have listened to me talk about my plans for this long. I’m sure we can make time to talk to each other.”

“Maybe I’m just losing my mind, but I’d actually really like that. I’d like that a whole lot, Trevor.”

“Thanks, Sam. I’m looking forward to chatting again sometime. Now, without further ado, I’d like to give those humans from the bus a piece of my mind!”

“Wait, hold on; it’s not worth it; Trevor don’t; Trevor; stop!!!”