A Tale - And one that is deficient in matters of plausibility at that

As he trekked across the endless frozen wastes, it came to him that this was no way at all to get to Pimlico. So he turned into a nearby hostelry and ordered fish and chips. As he raised his knife and fork, the battered fish looked at him wanly and spoke. “T’would do no great harm to consume my elongated companions of solanum tuberous ancestry in the family of solanaceae. They are, to put it euphemistically, thick..They would be likely to deem it an honour to do you gastronomic service. Moreover they are present in sufficient numbers to adequate until such time as another platter is placed before you.

“Howsoever be it, my case is different. You have indeed purchased me, as in days of yore a man might purchase a slave, and allowing for rampant inflation, for indeed a similar sum of money. To consume me would incontrovertibly be within the law. Nevertheless and not withstanding, and although my motivations in doing so are not above suspicion, I would urge you to give due weight to alternative ways in which I may be of service.” Lengthy negotiations followed, as a result of this he made the wise decision that his bodily needs had been sufficiently satisfied by consumption of all the chips, despite the absence of vinegar, and agreed that the battered but unbowed fish should be appointed his guide.

Upon finding that the door by which he had entered was no longer operable on account of a build up of snow, he consulted the wizened landlady. She granted him permission to leave the premises by the back entrance through the kitchen. On her advice he lathered himself with beef dripping that had been melted together with rosemary oil to prevent his near total desanguination by the leaches. Donning his puffer jacket with the fish lodged in the breast pocket, he pressed through the slurry of cordon bleu and sous-chefs, scullions, great boiling copper pots and iron ranges and exited through the low door into the steaming jungle.

Soon he was dripping in a second sense. In its squeaky voice the fish guided him competently along the winding, liana strews path to the Bong Tree. Despite the nonsense written by the epileptic Victorian poet Teddy Leary, this great arboreal plant can in no way be approached by water. Eventually and trudgingly they reached the mighty tree. Taking a small copper rock hammer from his back pocket, he struck it a savagely gentle blow. After a slightly discordant peal of sixteen chimes it struck thirteen in a sonorous tone.

Shortly thereafter a flock of golden birds flew down, settled in circle around him and set about laying eggs. Thereupon he took a cast iron frying pan and butane burner from his backpack and made a vast omelet. This satisfied his hunger and saved the life of the fish a second time.

What happened thereafter is a matter of conjecture, and is left to the imagination of the reader.

Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh!

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Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh!

Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh!

Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh!

Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh! Eh? Eh!

Well you were warned!