For Every Star in the Sky

It's been three months since I first met Brandon at his magic show. There have been several dates, late night phone calls, and endless texts, confirming our feelings and plans. There was even a conversation about where we stand. This is the conversation I have always dreaded with any relationship, but this one seemed even more daunting. You see, I very much care for Brandon. I have grown to love nearly every aspect of him. His laugh, his sense of humor, his touch, his silent reluctance to let me help him with his magic, and most of all, his absolute love for me. Brandon has no issues expressing his feelings for me. He has on several occasions said those three words that so many find easy to say.

It actually only took him a month to say those words to me. I didn't know how to respond. I felt the same, but those three words have never came from my mouth before. I live in fear of those words being used against me and therefore, I never put them into my life. I have stayed at strong guard against those feelings and letting anyone get too close. Close enough to hurt me. Brandon has been as patient as anyone could expect given that I have not returned those words in the months since he said them. Tonight, though he has had enough. We sat on the couch watching our favorite show, he was wrapped in my arms and suddenly he sat up and paused the tv. I knew this wasn't good. 

As he sat staring at me, this feeling of overwhelming sadness crept into my mind. It felt like hours until he spoke his first words. 

"How do you feel about me?"

I froze. How do I tell the most important person to me how I feel. Words just get lost in my mind and jumbled up and what comes out of my mouth is just a mess of ums and I don't knows and eventually I just give up and return to silence. But I didn't want to do that to Brandon. I needed to find the words. I needed to tell him that I do love him, but those words are hard to speak. They are so heavy to carry, so hard to hold in but so hard to say. How would I tell him the truth and still protect myself? I fumbled through trying to explain myself. Brandon jokingly said it doesn't matter as long as you're here with me, but I knew he needed more. He needed those words. He needed the reassurance from me that I felt the same as he did. 

Another month passed. We still spent all of our spare time together, but something just felt different. I could tell he was distant. Trying to protect himself from me the same as I was trying to protect myself from him. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe love is letting go of your protection and surrendering to them and letting them be your protection. I just need to find a way to tell him. 

I decided that no matter what, by the end of the week I would find a way to tell Brandon how I felt. I looked at online articles and self help books for confidence and self expression but nothing seemed to really help. Then it hit me! I went to the local magic shop. There in the back was an older woman in a small chair in the corner. She would know what I needed. As I approached her, she shuffled in her seat and simply pointed to a door that looked as though it hadn't been used in the last decade. As I entered the door, the room beyond smelled of stale books and dust from the years gone by. I knew what I needed would be here.

The first few bookshelves were useless. Filled with books on banishment and revenge potions. I needed something else. As I continued through the dozens of shelves filled with hundreds of books, I saw it. The book I needed. I grabbed it gently from its shelf and found an old stool in one of the corners. The pages creaked with every turn. Pages filled with spells and potions to make one tell the truth. I just needed to find the right one to help me tell Brandon how I felt. Finally, almost halfway through the book, I found it. The perfect spell to help me. 

Now that I had my spell, I just needed to get Brandon over to my house. I promised him dinner and answers. As he approached the kitchen to inspect what torment I had planned on serving him for dinner, I sensed some worry about him. Brandon was usually lively with energy and bursting with comments on my terrible cooking. Tonight, however, he was quiet and gave me nothing more then "that looks fine" when I showed him the steaks I had resting on the counter. I knew he wanted the answers first. 

As I cleared my throat, Brandon straightened in his seat. It seemed as though he knew what I was about to say. My hand slid over to hold his and I looked into his brown eyes with as much care and seriousness as I could muster. These words, that I knew I felt and I knew I needed to say, were right on the tip of my tongue. I began to speak. 

"Brandon, you know I care for you more then I do even for myself. I have held back expressing myself for fear of being left to my own. I know now that that fear is exactly what will cost me the person I care so much about. I have made you wait far too long to hear the words I am about to say. Brandon, I love you. With everything in me I love you. For every star in the sky there is love in my heart for you. For every piece of you. For every good and bad part of you even though I have not found the bad. I know that I must surrender to this love and let you feel it in every word I speak and every action I show. You will no longer need to wonder where my heart lies for it is now and forever with you."

Brandon's gaze fell to the floor. Was this not what he wanted to hear? The fear flooded every inch of my body. What had I done. This is why I kept my words only in my head. This very moment was every worst fear stood before me. Ages passed as he kept looking at the floorboards. Finally I couldn't take it anymore.

"Please say something."

"You need not worry my love. For the stars are in my heart as well."

As Brandon finally lifted his head, I saw tears streaming from his eyes but there was something else. A smile. Small but growing. Brandon leaned into me and it felt as though every ounce of his soul collapsed into me in that moment. Once again it felt like I was home.