Stripper Mobsters

Jenny walked down the hallway with what felt like a literal ton of wedding planning supplies in a hobo bag that was looking progressively like it was hobo owned and operated. She was certain every single pamphlet and decorative stationary was vitally necessary to have on hand at every second. Every detail must be perfection! God...she could use a night off EVERYTHING! She needed something unplanned, unanticipated and disorderly to happen ASAP!

She pressed the elevator button and for that moment she reveled in the powerful central air blowing down her neck. The elevator doors opened and she cautiously stepped in; she saw two burly, clean cut, olive-skinned men who looked like Italian mobsters. They no doubt spent too way much money on their suits, their tailors, and their haircuts (not to mention hair product). 

She went to hit "P" for parkade without hesitation, but then quietly observed that no other floors were selected. Curious - suspicious even. She could smell cheap, spicy, cologne permeating off their chiseled jawlines ripe with a five o'clock shadow. Holding back a gag she reviewed the next hours in her head. 

She would go to the bakery drop off the photos for the cake design then go to the florist to pay the decorative arch bouquet deposit. Next she should likely call the bridal boutique and adjust some bridesmaid dress details such as the questionable measurements her sister-in-law had given. Size zero - doubtful - even before her two kids. Maybe she was a European size zero? Then if she still had time she would call Ellie, her matron-of-honour, and probably just cry. She needed that.

She felt the shifty wandering gaze of one of the men. Was her flirty blue blouse too low cut? Maybe a soon-to-be married woman should tone down her evening dress code. Nah. Soon the antiquated elevator doors clunked then squealed open. She glanced behind her and smiled politely at the men as she exited. The ticky-tacky of her dainty-strapped casual Friday shoes echoed on the cold cement parkade floor. Suddenly from behind she felt a grip around her wrist pressing the charm bracelet her fiance had given her last Christmas into her into her thin hairless arm. "Ouch!" She whined as she did a full rotation and glared at the culprits. "Come with us," the men from the elevator said in unison as they clamped her delicate wrists with handcuffs. Not fuzzy ones either.

 A thought crossed her mind and her freshly botoxed eyebrows. Unalarmed she calmly, with an undertone of annoyance, said "oh...Ellie must have sent you. Didn't she? You're here to pick me up for my surprise bachelorette party! Great acting fellas! I was almost convinced." The men kept completely straight faces. Impressive. "You guys are really good! Ellie must have paid a fortune. The grey suits, the handcuffs, the stern faces are all so intimidating!" They looked at each other with poker straight stares, but their tell was the slight flush of their cheeks.

With a forceful shove the taller man with the goatee pushed her towards a black SUV parked in a handicapped spot. Asshole. Then the other man, who had distinctly well groomed eyebrows (that looked like they might have naturally been a unibrow if not for his waxing regime) hoisted her up in the back seat without even straining; oh, she felt dainty. A smirk crossed her face; the girls really had thought of everything. As they rolled over the speedbumps and out to the street she waved politely at Joe the parking attendant and flashed the handcuffs at him. He smiled knowingly. He'd been witness to her schemes as long as she lived in the apartment. Ok - this was for sure a set-up. 

Goatee yanked her arms down wrenching her into an anorexic pretzel position. "OUCHIE!" She hollered with a primadonna whine. "You guys don't have to be so rough! You are very convincing already!" Unibrow raised his eyebrow at Goatee. Expecting a response, she waited a moment then Goatee growled, "you know what you did!" 

"What?" Jenny was caught off-guard by the severity of his tone. She waited for a response. As her pulse quickened the tension filled the shiny leather seats her thighs were sticking to. "Shut up!" Unibrow hissed at her from behind the wheel. Sweat beads were pooling around her hairline. "Ok guys, I'm getting a bit nervous, this isn't very funny anymore. Seriously! When do you take your shirts off?" She laughed nervously swallowing her cinnamon gum. Gulp. Goatee smiled a little bit. Aha! The gig is up! She knew it! She knew Ellie didn't have THAT big an entertainment budget although they played the part quite well.

They drove deliberately and forcefully onward through a seamless sequence of turns then through the older industrial area full of machine warehouses and decrepit shipping containers. No other vehicles were in sight. Basically everything closed down after five except the barely legal or straight out criminal businesses. Finally they stopped at a chain link fence plastered with "No parking after hours" and "for Gio's towing call 669-696-6969. 

Unibrow whipped out a cellphone and loudly dialed a number. He cleared his throat theatrically then said in a voice deeper and rougher than before, "we're here with the girl, fill the bathtub with icecubes, and sterilize the equipment." Jenny gulped. Her tongue almost got stuck. This was sounding increasingly like the plot-line of a deranged kidney harvesting operation. Should she scream and try to escape? "You guys! This is really too much! I'm seriously afraid! For REAL!" Goatee swung around and put a thick strip of ducktape over her rosy goddess shimmer lipstick. Her eyes bulged in horror. Tears flooded her six coats of mascara. Her heart pounded like the chorus of some dirty techno from her youth. She might piss herself.....

She was breathing so heavily she could feel her throat in her chest. She imagined she looked like a bullfrog. Was this hyperventilation? Her eyes slammed shut like parking garage doors. When she opened her eyes again she was in Ellie's suite at The Slyman Lofts. A cold cloth was pressed on her forehead, decorative pillows propped under her neck, and cucumber water was on the coffee table within arms reach. Goatee and Unibrow were shirtless in bowties holding pizza boxes like props. Carrie and Stacey were all dolled up leaning over her. "Oh my God! We are SO sorry babe!"