The Witch of Ardee City

Christmas is to the west what Diwali is for the east.

The festival involves lighting up your house as extravagantly as possible. People visit each other. Gifts are exchanged, laughter is shared.

But in addition to this, almost all Indian families have an internal Diwali ritual which they consider different from other Indian families. So did mine. During my childhood days, on the night of Diwali my parents would give me a box of sweets and instruct me to deliver it to the household with the best lighting in the tower. I would often spend hours visiting and revisiting my options until finally ringing a doorbell. As years added up, so did the radius of my aesthetic gaze. From my society complex to the neighbouring ones, then to the entire city.

The people who answered the door always behaved in a similar manner. They'd get surprised, even amused. Invite me in ask me about school, serve me snacks. I'd sit there pretending to notice the interior of their house - the POP, the lamps, the chandelier, the dog. Then finish up whatever would be served to me and leave, making a point to never visit the house again, regardless of their lighting the following years. As a result of this exercise, by now I have visited many enthusiastic families of Gurgaon. Each of whose innovation with lighting and theme setting could put even the likes of Baz Luhrman to shame. This story is about one such house, which I visited in 2012, the owner of which happened to be a witch.

***

Like every year, my parents gave me a box of sweets and asked me to give it to the owner of the house with the best lighting.

I kept the box inside the seat of my bike and zoomed away. Back then, I was obsessed with which major I was going to take in college. The form where I was supposed to tick my choice rested in my drawer at the very moment. This was the first form for our stream choice and only involved the student ticking one out of the four broad categories - Computer Science, Biology, Economics and Arts. The submission date was due right after our Diwali holidays and I had no clue what I was gonna pick. That's what went through my mind as I zipped past the Gold Souk Road looking at the lighting of the apartments there.

Some of them looked rather nice. For instance there was this 7th Floor house in Emerald Greens. Their lighting looked like pink raindrops frozen in space, it was so damn poetic - the visual. But I had really high standards, so I ignored it.

I made a right from the VK stretch on to the Golfcourse road.

But all thanks to my 15 year old bladder I couldn't carry on for long. I parked my bike next to a barren grassland near the Golfcourse and relieved myself under the starry night. And it was while pissing inside the gutter that I saw the most beautiful house I had ever seen. From between the leaves of the trees a row of which paved way to it's front lawn, stood the beautiful mansion of Ardee City. I won't describe it, words fail me. Just imagine the best house you ever saw and multiply the impact it had on you by 3 times.

I felt like a butterfly in a garden full of 99 roses out of a 100 flowers.

Of course I was hooked to the Daffodil.

After closing the zipper of my jeans I poured some water on my hands from the bottle inside my scooty trunk, fetched the om sweets box adjacent to it. Then jumped across the gutter and headed towards the winner of 2012. The branches of the trees damn near slashed my cheeks but I kept walking with my right arm shielding my face. After around 10 minutes and 4 cuts, with sandles full of grass I stood outside the garden of the 6 storied phenomenan.

I had to walk around the circumference for about five minutes before I reached the main gate.

Two guards sat adjacent to each other on green trampoline chairs which looked like miniature trees. One of them was dozing off while the other was watching a YouTube video. I cleared my throat. The one who was dozing off opened his eyes.

"So I do this thing every Diwali" I began, trying to appear embarrassed, to convey to the guard that I came from a civilized family "Where I kind of like you know gift a box of sweets to the family with the best lighting and stuff, it's a tradition basically, know what I mean?" I said moving my hands in a "know what I mean?" kind of a way.

He didn't say anything.

"I wanted to give this box to the owner of this house"

"Would it be possible for you to repeat what you just said while looking inside that camera over there" he said pointing 60 degrees to his left.

"Ya Hi, my name..."

"Not now, just wait" the guard went inside the guard room.

The way he said "just wait" was kind of rude. A red light flashed on the camera after a while. The guard signalled from the window

"Hi my name is Lakshay" I said with a little less enthusiasm than before "I'm from sector 56" I turned quiet for a while to gather my wits "Umm, so we have this family tradition basically where I deliver a box of sweets on my family's behalf to the house the lighting of which I like the most.

I was just passing by and kind of noticed your lights and they're really nice and..." I flashed the box in front of the camera to compensate for the missing conclusion to my extremely awkward justification.

A minute or two later the guard's phone rang and he picked it up. After he came out, he pressed a button and the gates opened 

"You can go inside sir, Happy Diwali" 

"Thanks, but may I know the name of the owner of this house?" I said "The address plate is blank"

The guard looked at me and smiled.

It was a very kind smile. So kind, I felt like patting his head when he did that.

"Important people don’t have names sir, just identities" he signalled for me to proceed.

***

The opening notes of St James Infirmary blues by White Stripes filled my ears as the front door approached. There I was greeted by a huge rectangular electric board with "Happy Diwali" glittering on it in neon lights. It was placed on a horizontal tile affixed just above the door and looked like it could fall any minute. It shook when I knocked.

"Come in" came a husky voice around 5 seconds before the signature tune of the track. I opened the door and dashed inside, with my arm covering my head.

When I entered the house, the witch was sitting on the sofa, around ten steps away from the giant piano. She appeared agitated and didn't look very pretty. Which might have got something to do with the fact that she did not have any eye lids. Or because her skin was the darkest shade of green I had ever seen in my life. Scaly and slimy like a reptile's, whatever of it was visible through the violet robe she wore, looked like it would turn to powder upon being touched. Both her nostrils were blocked by red mass inside them, and her lips were as black as coal. Her ears were covered by hair so thin and frail that half of her scalp was visible. Her face was extremely wrinkled, as if had it been soaked in water for days. Her eyes made her look like she was angry about something. I considered dropping the box and running away from the house. But it wouldn't have been polite, so decided to stay.

"Hi I'm Lakshay" I said. Her head turned in my direction, rest of her body did not move at all. It almost felt like her neck didn’t have any joints. I gradually walked in her direction moving past the fountain at the center of the well light parlour, the box shaking ever so slightly in my hands.

"Hi Lakshay, how are you?" She said in the husky voice that had welcomed me "Please help yourself" she said, pointing to a plate of samosas and a glass of cold drink kept on the table. "Sure" I said "By the way I got these for you" I gave the box to her "totally dig the lighting of your house, mam" I looked at my face in the white tile, taking a seat opposite to her.

"Yeah I heard it in the camera, that's very sweet of you" 

"Thanks, hey the guard outside said that important people don’t have names or something, only occupations.." I gave her an awkward smile

"Yeah he's a little..."

"So you're a.." 

"I'm a witch" she said and nodded "what about you?"

"Oh I'm a student, I'm in tenth standard, Apeejay School, have you heard of it? We’ve got a university too.

Apeejay Satya University"

"Yeah it's near 32 milestone right?"

"Ya ya that one"

"You'll get an advantage there for being from one of their schools"

"If my grades are that low" I chuckled 

She smiled.

I noticed that her front teeth were missing.

"So what do witches do exactly?"

"Aren’t you aware of that?

"Pop culture really stereotypes you people. I’m sure you guys wouldn't be.."

"We eat children" she said 

"Oh" I said trying to appear curious, "what age group?" 

"Below ten mostly, don’t worry I won't eat you"

"Wow, that's a huge relief, no kidding" 

She tilted her head to acknowledge my gratitude 

"If you wont mind me asking" I adjusted my bum on the sofa "why do you eat kids, like are they tasty or something?" 

"Bad kids, we only eat bad kids and no they're not tasty. We get paid for doing so, that's our job" 

"How do you know which ones are bad"

"Because we have psychic vision.

We can see their futures. So we kill the criminals in their childhoods itself, once they are past 13, we are not allowed to do so"

"Why not?"

"Because testosterone is poisonous for a witch" she said. 

So if she gives a blowjob to someone she'll die, I took a mental note. Fascinating.

"How many children have you eaten so far?" I sipped my cold drink.

 "81" 

"That's quite a number" I kept the glass on the table and dipped my samosa in the ketchup "At what age did you die and become a witch?"

"32, why?"  

"So you must have attended 11 standard right?" I asked her.

"Yeah I did" 

"What stream did you opt for? I have to fill out my form and I'm kinda confused" 

"I chose Economics"

"With Maths or without Maths?

"With maths, Our school didn’t have a section for without maths" 

"Which school were you in?"

"Montfort"

"That's a nice school, I was there for a debate competition, your amphitheatre smells so nice"

"Which stream are you planning to take?" She asked me 

"I have no clue at all, like I'm totally blank you know.. and the form submission is in three days."

"Well, you should consult a career counsellor" the witch said and coughed.

A cockroach climbed out of her mouth when she did that, and landed on the floor

"Hey how about you tell me my future at each stream using your psychic vision? It will be a huge help" I said, shifting my feet away from the insect.

The witch thought about it for a while.

"Yeah ok, sure" 

"That's ok right?"

"Ya ya come here" the witch patted the spot next to her on the sofa.

"Umm cool" I went and sat there with my plate.

"Look into my eyes" she said "and say that you will take up economics with full conviction"

I did so.

Her eye balls turned white like Helen Bonham Carter in that Tim Burton Movie.

"What do you see?" I asked her 

"I see you sitting in a huge air conditioned office with white lights.

You are wearing a dark green shirt over black trousers and working on your Dell laptop.

Every time the manager leaves you alone, you open a word file from your taskbar and type in it. When he comes back you open an excel sheet and continue working.

During the lunch break you are not eating food with your team. You eat it at your desk while typing on the word file" 

Her eyeballs became black again.

"Umm thanks" I frowned, not entirely sure what to make of it "Let's see what happens when I take Computer Science you're not exhausted or anything right?" 

"No it's fine" She said.

"I'll take up Computer Science" I declared with absolute surety. Her eyes turned white again.

"What do you see now?" 

"I see you sitting in a huge air conditioned office with yellow lights.

You are wearing a Light Blue Shirt and Dark Blue Trousers and working on your HP laptop. Every time your senior leaves you alone, you open a word file from your taskbar and type on it. When he comes back you open Java Script and close the word file. During the lunch break you don’t eat food with your team. You eat it at your desk while typing on the word file" 

Her eyeballs turned black.

"Umm ok" I scratched my head 

"Let's see what happens if I take Biology" I pleaded "If it isn't too much trouble?"

"Alright, I think I can do it for you one last time"

"I'm going to take Biology" I declared 

It took her longer than the previous two times, but I had my prophecy declared eventually.

"I see you sitting in a huge air conditioned hospital, it's daytime.

You are wearing a white lab coat over white cotton pants and a blue satin mask over your face.

You're testing samples in the lab and writing down your observations on a piece of paper. Every time the MD leaves you alone, you take out a notepad from your pocket and write on it. But the moment he comes back you put it inside.

During the lunch break you don’t have lunch with your team, you have it.." 

"Alone while writing on my notepad" I finished the sentence "Well I guess I'm supposed to be a writer then, isn't it?" 

"It does seem like you will develop interest in that field" The witch nodded "Have you ever written anything before?" she asked me 

"A little, but it got rejected by the editorial board of our school magazine" I told her.

"What did they say?"

"They said my writing lacks a motive"

"Do you want me to see your future if you take Arts in college?"

"I don't know" I declared a little nervously.

"If you don’t want me to see it, I won't see it"

"No no, please see it and tell me.

It will be a huge help, I'm so sorry that I'm causing you so much inconvenience though, my God this is so embarrassing" 

"It's not an issue kid, I completely understand, we were all in tenth standard once" she pressed her lips together "Are you ready?"

"Yes please" 

"Go ahead" 

"I'll take up Arts" I crossed my fingers and whispered.

Her eye balls turned white.

***

"I see you walking inside a very small room.

You have a beard and your hair seem unwashed.

It's around 11 AM in the morning.

There is a bong on your table next to empty glass bottles..."

"Aren't there any notepads or laptops lying around?"

"Nope, only empty bottles.

Hey wait.."

"Yeah?"

"There is an injection too, on your bedside"

"Damn" I gaped 

The witch's eyes turned black again.

"I'm so sorry, full time writing wont be a good option for you, it seems"

“Well who says only those who study literature can become writers" I said and finished my samosa “Thanks a lot mam, I know what I’m going to put in that form now" I dusted the crumbs from my shorts.

"You're most welcome, my child" she caressed my cheek and kept her hand on my head as a blessing.

We chatted for another fifteen to twenty minutes after that.

Mostly about random stuff, nothing worth mentioning about here.

But one thing was for sure.

I left the mansion as a much more sorted guy than the one who had walked in.

***

"Going sir?" The guard said to me at the entrance.

He looked really fresh.

Like my dad does on Saturday Mornings.

The other one was still glued to his phone, like my dad during rest of the weekend.

"Yeah, I'll rush" I said as I passed him by.

Then turned around to have a last look at the mansion.

"Ironical isn't it?" I shook my head 

"What sir?"

"The fact that such a beautiful house is owned by a witch” 

"The world is full of ironies sir" 

***

I reached home by 9 PM.

My parents had gone to a Diwali party, so I had the house to myself. After taking a couple of sips from my father's Johnny Walker, I added some water to it and kept it back inside the bar. As the sound of firecrackers became louder outside, I fetched the form from my study table drawer and switched on the table light.

In front of my eyes were the following columns - 

 1. Computer Science

 2. Economics

 3. Biology

 4. Arts

"Its the most important call of your entire life students, choose wisely" Our HOD's voice echoed inside my head as I covered the fourth option with my left hand, and began going through the others with my right pointing finger.

"Eeni meeni miinii moh..."

***

The End