Me

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, Rape, Sensitive topic.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t mean to offend anyone who’s experiencing this type of disorder. This my first writing this kind of genre so please be nice to me.

We all have monsters living through us...

It’s only a matter of when. When will you see it? When will you accept it? And when... when will you decide to let go of that monster in you?

‘A cold splash of water is what I needed now. I can’t sleep. I shouldn’t.’ I got up from bed, trying to fight off the tiredness I’m feeling. It’s already past midnight, and yet I’m wide awake because I know, if I sleep... disaster follows.

Even though I’m sick of staring at this dull white-painted room, I still try my best to keep myself entertained. I headed to the bathroom located across from my room. It sucks not having my own bathroom. It was all design slanted to avoid suicides. It sucks to be here. I don’t even belong here yet; they encaged me here for whatever reason. I need to escape—I have to escape!

The place was all dark, as dark as the sky outside. This is their everyday routine to keep them from going out, but not me. Darkness does not bother me at all. There are more things scarier than being in the dark. In fact, I love darkness because it lets you see who shines the most.

Once I flipped the switch on, a flickering sound of lights echoed the bathroom. That’s how you know the place was entirely quiet. The flickering bothered me for a while, but I still walked my way to the sink. I open the faucet; quickly, the loud splash of water resounded the room. I tested the temperature before washing my face with the water.

‘Ah. That’s refreshing.’ When I finished, I realized I didn’t bring myself a towel to dry my face, so I let it dry on its own as I look at myself in the mirror in front of me.

It reflects everything in me, and yet I can’t even see anything of that. They say that a reflection is the bouncing of light off a surface—a basic Science explanation. But little did they know that a reflection is a simple illusion made by our minds—fooling us that we are this kind of person even if we’re not.

I raised my hands up to touch myself into the mirror, and it copied my movement. Amazing. The more I stare at my reflection, the more I see through it. I’ve been doing this for the past days I’ve been here, and this is the first I ever get to see my true self.

“Amelia, you have to get out of here now!” A faint voice resounded. I didn’t know where it came from, but it didn’t bother me. Instead, I stared more into the reflection and smiled, but my image in front didn’t follow.

I think I’m becoming delusional. It must have something to do with the medicine they’re giving us. I tried to move my hands again, seeing if the reflection would follow me again. But it didn’t.

It should terrify me, my hands even shaking, and yet why am I not feeling anything at all. The dripping of water started getting louder, as well as the buzzing of lights. It’s getting loud in here.

‘Get out of here!’ My thought screamed, but I can no longer control my body. My body’s completely frozen, my eyes dilated as soon as I look straight back at my image. I took a sharp sigh before I got pulled onto this kind of threshold.

Everything’s blurry; I don’t understand what’s happening. I could feel my body lying in something soft. The fear I’m not feeling earlier is now dominating my entire system. My body’s shaking. I could feel my tears falling onto my face and my heart constricting. I gasped for air and calmed myself.

I close my eyes really tight as I exhaled. I did that numerous times until I adjusted my breathing. I slowly open my eyes, but a bright light welcomed me, so I ended up closing my eyes once more until I adjusted to it.

There I realized where I was; I’m in my bed. ‘What the hell?! Did I fall asleep?!’ I quickly got up from my bed, confused about how I ended up back in here. ‘No... NO! I can’t fall asleep.’ I tried to open my room to go check in the bathroom, but they locked my room for the first time.

I banged on the door as I ask them to let me out, but no one’s answering me. But I persisted, yet still, no one opened it up for me. I disheveled my hair as I walk and forth in my room, thinking what happened.

‘The last thing I remembered was that I’m in the bathroom playing with my reflection. How did I manage to go back in here with no recollection of me doing such a thing?!’

I continued pacing back and forth until I noticed something. “A blood?” My forehead creased when I saw a sticky red substance on my bed. I immediately looked at the back of my clothes, thinking I got my period already, but it’s clean. I got more confused about what’s that thing doing on my sheets. I stood there for a while as I rummage into my thought when I suddenly heard the knob of my door turned. I pivoted my body in the door’s direction. Then a man wearing a white uniform entered my room.

A creeping smile crept into his face, making me backed up a little because of what I’m sensing around him. “Oh, good you’re awake! Let’s continue, shall we?” He announced as he walks towards me. Every step he does makes me move backward. The next thing I know, I’ve got cornered; I ended up sitting on my bed.

“Move away from me! Don’t touch me!” I tried to push him away, but he seemed to enjoy it because of his annoying smile.

“Don’t worry, this won’t hurt anymore. You’ll enjoy it this time.” He didn’t waste any time and jumped above me, which caught me off guard, giving him the chance to hold my arms up.

“NO! NO! Please stop!” I cried. I don’t know what else I should do but cry; he’s touching and kissing me everywhere. I whimpered when he suddenly squeezes my bosom. I’m scared, I’m terrified, but I can’t do anything. I tried resisting once more, but he’s too big and strong. I can’t even budge.

“HELP ME! PLEASE, HELP ME!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, but the man thrusting into me just laughed and said, “Honey, stop wasting your precious voice. No one can hear you. So, just enjoy this ride.”

He thrust harder, my whole body aching. I’m in so much pain, but all I can do is cry. I’m mad at myself for not doing anything right now, I’m mad at my parents for putting me in here, and most definitely, I’m mad at this person who’s taken advantage of my vulnerability. My vision got blurry with that thought, and I have this deep rage I’m feeling.

Suddenly, I felt strong. I started moving my hands to break free from his intense grip. I took a deep breath and tried to fool him. I pretended I’m enjoying what’s his doing to me. “Hmmm…” That immediately caught his attention. “See, I told you, you’ll enjoy this. You deserve this because you’re a monster.” He let out an evil laugh that gave me a goosebump. I tried to touch him so he could let his guard down.

I think it worked when I felt his grip loosen up a bit. I took that a chance to break free. I gathered my remaining energy and headbang him as hard as I again. Everything happened swiftly. It’s as if my body has its own mind. “You bitch!” The muscular, unappealing man screamed as he holds onto his bleeding nose. That word seemed to trigger something in me. My sight went dark, and the next thing I knew, I got away from him and now holding a lampshade.

As I said earlier, there are more things scarier than being in the dark, and as for me—it is when you became the dark itself...

I’m in full rage, and I’m not in control of my body anymore, ready to butcher this piece of crap. “You fucking rapist!” Before I could even see what happened next, I got blinded by a bright light, and I felt like I’ve got sucked back into somewhere. Just a snap. I’m back in the bathroom. Crying my balls out. ‘What the hell w-was that? Are any of those r-real?’

My knees entirely collapsed to the ground. Everything felt real; my entire body’s aching, even my heart’s not taking what I just experience.

“Oh! Jefferson! How are you, man?!” I didn’t notice someone went inside the bathroom.

“I-I’m not Jefferson.” I weakly responded.

“Ah. Well, that’s new. He’s not out yet.”

My forehead creased with that statement, but I ignored him, and I got up. I’m too tired to deal with this crap.

“Amelia, you have to get out of here. Let Jefferson do that for you. Stop resisting.”

She grabbed my elbow as she said that. She looked so serious, making it so believable, but I really don’t know what’s true to not anymore. Plus, as much as I want to get the hell out of this crappy place, I can’t. And I don’t even know who the hell is Jefferson.

“Let them out. They’re not the monster here. Real monsters exist in the form of an innocent-looking person—always remember that.”

She didn’t give me a chance to talk and went out of the bathroom first. I stayed in my room until someone got there to tell me I have a visitor. I didn’t dawdle and hurriedly followed the woman who fetches me. She’s wearing the same uniform the guy’s wearing into my dream? I don’t know what’s that even called.

When we arrived at the large lounge, I saw my parents waiting for me. I rushed into them and gave them a hug. “Please take me home. I don’t want here anymore.” I cried. My mother avoided my gaze and directed her attention to the lady who fetches me.

“How is she?”

“Our initial diagnosis was DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder, but we’ll still have to further examine her. We’ll give you an update by next week.”

My thought started running. ‘Did I hear it right?’ ‘No. No, it can’t be?’ But then again, everything seemed to make sense… I let go of the hug and blankly head back to my room. I could hear them calling me, but I ignored it and run back to my room. As I absent-mindedly run back to my place, I bumped into someone. My eyes went wide as soon as I see who the person was.

“Oh, Honey… Get ready for later to DIE of pleasure.” I got stone cold when he emphasized the word die. I gulped and slowly head back to my room. That statement just confirmed something, and if what they’re saying was true, then I guess I need to unleash the monster in me…

“Help me, Jefferson….”

To survive this, I have to be as evil as that piece of crap male nurse who took advantage of me. I looked at my reflection in the mirror in this dark hallway. The reflection’s blinding. He’s shining despite the darkness I’m feeling. I could see him. He’s indeed more potent than me. He could save me. Please save me…