BWAUK

This story shares the values of many holiday stories: it is a story about family; a story about brotherhood; a story about acceptance. This story, like many others, starts with the gift of a Christmas ostrich.

           “Do you love it?” Dave asked. He stood beside his beat up mini-van holding a leash, hot pink and covered in bones. Designed, perhaps, for a Yorkie or a Terrier. Here, the leash not fastened to the collar of a small furry companion, but around the scaly neck of a seven-foot ostrich.

           “Well,” Dave asked, “do you?”

           “I don’t know what to say.”

           “What do you mean? Look at it!” Dave reached into his pocket and grabbed a few bits of dry food. He let the ostrich sniff his hand. It gobbled up the kibble and then shook its feathered head. “It’s an ostrich!”

           “I know it’s an ostrich.” Jonathan said. His face was soaked in shock and awe—although this was not the intended meaning of the military term, but applicable nonetheless.

“Honey! Look! Dave got Jonathan an ostrich for Christmas.” Their bundled mother said from the doorstep.

“Huh!” Their father, frantically looking for coffee filters, yelled from somewhere in the house.

“Come on Jon, do you love it?” Dave said as he walked the mammoth bird over to his speechless brother. “I can see it already. You two are going to be best friends.”

“It’s an ostrich.”

“BWAUK!” The ostrich yelled. What he probably meant was I’m very uncomfortable in this new situation and it is unusually cold out here.

“It’s an ostrich.”

“Yeah dummy!” Dave thrust the leash into his brother’s limp hand. “I brought it back from my trip to Africa.”

“You brought this back. From your vacation. In Africa.”

“Awe honey! Davey brought the ostrich from his trip to Africa!” their mom smiled from the doorway. “Isn’t that so nice?”

“What?” Their dad yelled. Pots and pans screamed across the kitchen floor. “Ahh-DAMNIT!”

“You brought this back from your trip to Africa.” Jonathan repeated.

“Yeah brother. What don’t you get about that?”

“You went to Africa four months ago.”

“Yup.”

“Four months ago. In September.”

“Yup.”

“And now it’s December.”

“That’s how a calendar works.”

“No, I don’t mean that. I mean where has this thing been for the last four months.”

“With me. I been training it. Watch!” Dave took another bit of dry food from his pocket and held it next to the ostrich’s massive clawed foot. “Lazlo. Shake. Shake. Come on boy. Shake!”

           “BWAUK!” said the ostrich. Which meant something like Sorry Dave. I’m still not comfortable in this situation. Maybe later.

           “You trained it. And its name is Lazlo. And you taught it to shake.” The gears spinning in Jonathan’s steamed with malfunction. All of this was simply too overwhelming. “You live in a 600-square-foot apartment in South Boston. How the hell has this thing been living with you for four months?”

           “HONEY! Dave taught the ostrich to shake! Come out here!” Their mom juggled her phone in thick woolen mittens to snap a picture.

           “What? I can’t hear you!” More pans slid across tiled floor. “Frick! Barbra where is the good coffee?”

           “We have Maxwell house.”

           “I KNOW WE HAVE MAXWELL HOUSE! Where is the good coffee? It’s Christmas and I want to use the good coffee!”

           “Just use the Maxwell House.”

           “I’m not using the Maxwell House! Why the hell do we even buy good coffee if we can’t use it?”

           “BWAUK!” The ostrich cried. He may have meant, I’m fine with Maxwell House. Please don’t stress over it.

           “I’ll try to get Lazlo to shake later.” Dave continued.

           “I don’t care about the tricks it can do. How have you been living in South Boston with an ostrich in your little apartment?”

           “He’s a great walking buddy.” Dave smiled proudly. “He loves blankets too. Don’t you Lazlo?” He scratched the ostrich under its beak.

           “BWAUK!” The ostrich yelped affirmatively.

           “I don’t want this.” Jonathan said.

           His mother gasped. “Jonathan! Don’t be rude! Your brother put in a lot of work to get this for you!”

           “BWAUK!” The ostrich said in protest. Although he intended to say Please Jonathan, I do not do well with rejection.

“Jonathan, I got this for you.” Dave said with an injured timbre in his voice.

“Why would you get me an ostrich?”

David lowered his head. “I thought you would like it.”

Their father was red in the face when he finally appeared in the doorway. “What the hell is going on out here?” He said with a huff.

“Jonathan told David that he doesn’t want his present.”

“Jonathan!” Their father shouted. “Don’t be a bastard! Accept your brother’s gift.”

“It’s an ostrich, dad.”

“I’m not blind. Say thank you to your brother and let’s go inside. The game is about to start and I’ve got the good coffee on. It’s Arabica beans—all the way from Arabia.”

“Arabica beans are from Ethiopia dad.”

“Oh, a smart-ass too, huh? Get your ass inside and have some God-damn coffee!”

The scene in the living-room was awkward at minimum.

Their father sat in his armchair facing the television. He blew on his mug of coffee and waited for the Celtics pregame to end. Their mother sat on the couch in her fuzzy pink slippers and rubbed David’s back. David slouched with his chin in his hands. Meanwhile, Jonathan remained dazed as he watched the giant bird sit on a blanket near the fireplace and eat birdseed out of a bowl decorated with ceramic candy corn.

“Am I the only person who thinks this is weird?”

“Of course not.” Mom said.

Thank God, Some sense.

“I’ve never heard of somebody rejecting a Christmas present before.”

“The ostrich! Nobody thinks the ostrich is weird?”

“BWAUK?” Obviously meant, hey buddy, you dug this hole yourself. Don’t drag me into it.

“It’s a personalized gift.” Their mother said, “He thought you would like it. Why are you making a big deal out of this?”

“You said you always wanted a bird, Jonathan.”

“Yes! A parrot! Or a parakeet! Anything but this!”

“I didn’t know!”

“Will you all be quiet!” Dad yelled. “The game is starting!”

There was silence.

“How did you even bring this back?” Jonathan asked.

“I don’t ask you how you get your gifts.”

“—because I got you an Amazon gift card!”

“Boys. Stop it. Please. It’s Christmas!”

Jonathan sighed. He had to admit that Dave must have gone through hell and back to get this outrageous thing here—and he took care of it for months. Jonathan looked at Dave slouched on the couch had his head buried in his hands. At his mother, with her grief creased face. At his father, who sat in agony over the hole the Celtics were in to start the game. At the end of the day, he could give the damn bird to a zoo—but that’s an argument for a different day. For now, he decided to be as congenial as possible about this strange situation, even if it defied logic.

“Well, what does it eat?”

"Huh?" Dave mumbled.

"If I'm going to keep it then I've got to know what it eats."

“Seriously?” Dave peeked between his fingers.

Jonathan took a long inhale. “Yes.”

Dave cautiously perked up. “Birdseed and dry food.”

“Like a dog’s dry food?”

“Lazlo seems to like it.”

“Lazlo huh?”

“Yeah.” Dave shrugged again. “You can change his name if you want to.”

“No—I like Lazlo. He looks like a Lazlo.”

Dave smiled. He never was the brightest guy, but he had a smile so warm it could melt ice. Dave walked over towards Lazlo and signaled for him to shake. This time Lazlo slapped a big scaled foot into Dave’s hand. “Well, Lazlo, it has been a trip. Jonathan’s going to take care of you now. He’ll give you a good home.”

“BWAUK!” Lazlo cried, which undoubtedly meant It has been a great journey and I will miss you David. Thank you for everything.

Jonathan winced and approached the great bird. “Hi, Lazlo.” He awkwardly said. Dave poured some kibble into Jonathan’s hand. As soon as Jonathan lifted his hand towards Lazlo, he was met with a big handshake.

“BWAUK!” Or, it is a pleasure to meet you Jonathan.

“Awe.” Mom said. “My boys are finally getting along. Isn’t that sweet hon?”

           Their father took a sip of his coffee. “Sure, sure.”

           It was the end of Christmas day, and Jonathan put the ostrich in the back seat of his car. Lazlo sat up like an adult person. How absurd. Jonathan opened the driver’s door and looked back at the house. Dave was waving from the doorway.

           “I don’t even know how to take care of this thing!” Jonathan shouted across the yard.

           “You’ll figure it out!” Dave shouted back and pulled the door closed.

           Yeah. I guess I’ll have to.

           He pulled out of the driveway and started down the road. He drove for a while. Thinking. He had an ostrich now. This morning he woke up and he didn’t, and now he does. Some things just can’t seem real. Yet, he looked into his rearview mirror and there it was looking out the window while Jonathan turned onto the main road.

           Eventually. he veered into a protected turn lane and stopped at a light. An older woman pulled up next to him. They made eye contact. Then she looked into the backseat and her jaw nearly dropped to the accelerator.

           Jonathan started giggling and before long boiled into all-out laughter. The shocked woman didn’t even see the light turn green until a truck laid on its horn and snapped her back to reality.

           So, this would be life with an Ostrich?

           Jonathan, still giggling, looked back at his new companion. The streetlights illuminated his dopey bird head in orange waves.

           “We are going to figure it out buddy.”

           “BWAUK!”