A Little Side Action

“CUT!”

“Who said that? Who yelled cut? I’m the director on this set and I am the only one who gets to shout, CUT!”

“Boss, that would be the Intimacy Coordinator.”

“Where is she? Where is this Intimacy Coordinator? Show yourself, you scene invader! Someone bring this person to me, that thinks they can direct my movie.”

“She’s not here, boss.”

“What do you mean, she’s not here? How can she not be here? How did she call, CUT!”

“She’s working from home.”

“Working from home? Why isn’t she on the set?”

“It’s a closed set, only essential personnel are allowed to be here for this scene.”

“Isn’t she listed as essential personnel?”

“I don’t have the list.”

“It’s your job to have the list, Amy!”

“It’s Amai, sir.”

“But your name tag spells it with the letters A.M.Y.”

“That’s how it’s spelled in my country.”

“Where’s that, Louisiana?”

“Liberia...”

“What part of the states is that? Never mind. I’ll look it up, later. When was the closed set regulation put into effect?”

“During the induction clarifying existing production policies to the actors.”

“I’m the goddam director. It was me that led the actor’s induction. I don’t remember that.”

“It was during the producer’s actor induction, sir.”

“There was a producer’s induction?”

“I believe it was conducted before the director’s actor induction.”

“Why wasn’t I told?”

“I don’t know. Perhaps you should ask the producers.”

“I don’t ask producers anything. They ask me. I tell them what I need, and I tell them when I need it, and they… well, they just do whatever.”

“But didn’t they raise the funds for this movie? I’d say that they’re a bit higher on the organisation chart than you are, to be dictated to.”

“Remind me of your job title again, Amy?”

“Script supervisor, personal assistant, clapper loader, assistant camera person, and gopher. Oh, and one of the producers said that I could get associate producer credit as well.”

“Well, all-around dogsbody at the bottom of your fictitious organisation chart. I’m the director of this low-budget movie on this underlit, underheated, and underfunded movie set, so I do not need to be told what level goddam useless producers sit at, when I know that all they’re good for is sitting around doing nothing and setting up timewasting meetings that I can’t be bothered to attend.”

“Like producer’s actor inductions?”

“You know, if it weren’t for your much needed multi-skillset on this also understaffed movie set, I would fire you for your facetiousness.”

“Yes, sir... Sorry, sir.”

“…Apology accepted. Now, back to work everybody! Let’s try the scene again… QUIET ON THE SET..! SOUND?”

“Sound, Set, sir.”

“Camera!”

“Camera, Set.”

“HEY! WHERE THE HELL ARE MY ACTORS?”

“They’re meeting with the Intimacy Coordinator, sir.”

“What the hell for? This is my set and this is my movie - is it not?”

“She saw that the actors had been without appropriate modesty covers between takes, so she called them into a consultation to see if they feel safe enough to continue.”

“How is she seeing what we’re doing?”

“She’s watching by secure feed on her laptop.”

“What’s not to feel safe about? The actors are fine. They’ve been fine all along. I even gave them a lengthy coffee break. What could possibly make them feel unsafe?”

“I think their prolonged state of undress is making your lead actress blush.”

“Blush? I can assure you that my star actress is not the shy type, and I casually mentioned that in my actor’s induction.”

“That may be, but last night, she had a rude awakening at her hotel. One of the producers acted inappropriately, so she now needs personal counselling before a nude scene is shot.”

“She’s been starkers all morning! What’s changed?”

“Maybe, she needs counselling because of all the shouting.”

“By video link?”

“We live in a modern world, boss. Zoom meetings are popular.”

“So, what did this producer guy do?”

“He sang to her through her locked door.”

“How is that a rude awakening?”

“She was asleep.”

“Where did you get all this information?”

“From the intimacy coordinator’s sensitivity induction.”

“I wasn’t invited. Don’t gloat.”

“Apologies, sir.”

“But why counsel by video? What’s preventing the intimacy coordinator from doing it in person?”

“Maybe it’s cheaper – insurance-wise.”

“Goddammit! Get my actors back on this set, now!”

“Yes, sir. CALL FOR ACTORS ON THE SET!”

“Amy, what do you know about this intimacy coordinator?”

“The call sheet here says her name is Geraldine.”

“Geraldine? How old is this person?”

“She looks like she’s in her fifties.”

“What does fifties look like? I’m in my fifties. Do I look like I’m in my fifties?”

“Then, I’d say she was younger.”

“I can’t quite tell if that’s a compliment or not.”

“I’m leaning towards Not.”

“Careful with that facetious tongue, or I’ll promote the janitor to replace you.”

“I’m doing the job of six people and paid for the role of one. Do you honestly think he’ll be interested?

“This is Hollywood, baby. Everyone wants to be in show business.”

“…The actors are returning, sir.”

“Great, I’ll need to give them notes.”

“But we’ve haven’t even completed a take, yet.”

“Because we got interrupted by your Zoom buddy.”

“She’s not my… Oh, whatever.”

“Darlings! Welcome back. Just need to chat about this scene. Erica, we’re going to need a bit more passion from you. It’s obvious that you’re feeling cold in here and a little too exposed to the elements, but you’re an actress, darling. Put it to the back of your mind, feel the upcoming surge of blood, and let your chest burst forward in an act of anticipation.”

“CUT!”

“What now?”

“I’m just reading what she typed, boss. She wrote CUT, so I read it aloud.”

“What’s wrong with her voice? Why is she reliant on messaging?”

“She says here, that her microphone is not picking up any signal and that your comment to Erica was contentious, bordering on MeToo.”

“What!? I’m just trying to do my goddam job. Now I have the Woke inquisition hanging on my every word? I was giving Erica some notes, but little Miss Intimacy blocker has killed the moment.”

“She says that she’s not a Miss. She’s a Mrs.”

“Who gave her the authority?”

“Hang on, she’s typing the answer. She says… a judge when she got married.”

“That was sarcasm, but I’ll let it slip this time. I’m not responding to her any longer until this passion killer is standing on my set. Get her in here.”

“She’s working from home.”

“I don’t give a damn in goddam hell where she is. I want her here yesterday!”

“Right away, boss. Transport has been informed.”

“Wait, we have a transport company on set?”

“The janitor is moonlighting with his van.”

“…Goddam low budget productions… Can we please try to get through this scene without interruption? Thank you. QUIET ON THE SET..! SOUND?”

“Sound, Set, boss.”

“Camera?”

“Set.”

“Roll sound.”

“Sound rolling.”

“Roll camera…! Camera speed.”

“Speed.”

“Last looks!”

“Makeup says all good.”

“First positions… Marker… Marker! That’s you sweet cheeks.”

“…CUT!”

“Amy, why are you yelling, cut?”

“Boss, I know you are in your fifties, but we live in the 2020s. Sweet cheeks is a derogatory term.”

“Lighten up. I meant nothing insulting.”

“But it is.”

“Okay, okay. I’m a modern-thinking man, who can adapt to society’s changing sensitivity landscape. So, let’s start again, Amy.”

“It’s Amai!”

“Amai… I’d like to get through this scene in the fewest of takes before the day is done. Do you think that you can forgive my ancient descriptive caveman pronunciations enough to assist me in getting us all home at a decent time?”

“Apologies will be accepted.”

“I apologise, okay? Now, let’s get back to work.”

“Boss, Comms has just informed me that the Intimacy Coordinator has arrived.”

“That was quick.”

“The janitor said that he picked her up across the road from the studio’s main gate – where she lives at… Palm Court Apartments.”

“Palm Court? That’s where my soon-to-be ex-wife lives.”

“What a coincidence. Wouldn’t it be funny if they knew each other.”

“No, it wouldn’t, Amy.”

“I’ve just been told that Geraldine is about to walk onto the set. There! Over by the drinks table… Boss?”

“Goddam… I should have guessed.”

“Sir?”

“The Intimacy Coordinator is my soon-to-be ex-wife. AND HER NAME IS NOT GERALDINE!”

“Shall I call Lunch?”

“No, I’m shooting this scene, if it kills me. PLACES EVERYONE! FIRST POSITIONS!”

“Boss, Geraldine has messaged me that she needs to give the actors some notes.”

“What do you mean? I’m the only one that can give my actors notes. Goddam it, Ruth! What the hell are you doing here?”

“She’s typing… and she says… you summoned her, like a high court judge.”

“Still maintaining the silent treatment, are you? After three months apart, you still can’t utter one single word to me.”

“She’s typing…”

“…And?”

“She says, Asshole!”

“Goddam it, Ruth. Don’t you think it ironic that you’re an Intimacy Coordinator? I mean, the most intimate you ever got in our marriage was staring up at the ceiling wondering what shade of beige to paint it.”

“She’s typing.”

“I can see that. She’s standing right there in front of me. Why can’t she just talk to me.”

“She says that she would have shown more intimacy, if you hadn’t shouted Action every time you got into bed.”

“Oh, we’re going to play this game, are we? Air our private lives to everyone here. Okay, okay, well, let me tell everyone about…”

“She’s typing…”

“Yes, yes. I can see her fingers scurrying across her keypad, like ten fat little poisoned pens. Each one, another thudded jab to my forehead and a sharp stab to my back… What did she write?”

“When did you start to care about privacy? The whole industry knew about you and your indiscretions. Even Variety ran an article on the casting couch problem in Hollywood and quoted you several times.”

“I was misquoted on my comments about new actresses. They twisted my words.”

“She’s added, it’s hard to twist stupidity into lucidness. Put out or get out is what you highlighted regarding career advancement.”

“It was spoken in jest.”

“There’s more. She said that she learned more about you in one article than in five tumultuous years of marriage issues.”

“You never wanted to talk our problems out in private, did you, Ruth. Chose to clam up and drive me out of the house, before telling all our neighbours about our problems. What now? Expanding your poisonous ooze onto my set? You know, in the last year of our relationship, you were as cold as ice to me. So cold, every time I opened the fridge door, I got an erection.”

“She’s typing, sir… Oh, no…”

“What is it?”

“Look, Boss. I feel like I’ve been suddenly caught like a rabbit in the headlights of two old, rekindled feuding ex’s bent on arguing just for the sake of conflict.”

“What did she write?”

“She said, speaking of ice boxes, you were like Ice Cream. Starts off hard but quickly softens whenever things get hot.”

“Perhaps, if she had made any effort to be attractive in our marriage, my manhood would have responded appropriately.”

“She’s typing… Do I really have to read this, boss?”

“Go on, go on. You might as well involve the whole room in this.”

“She says… that your manhood was like an accordion not knowing which way the bellows stretched and it was always guaranteed to play a short loud song before ending quickly and falling asleep.”

“Oh yeah? Well… well, at least the bellows moved back and forth and didn’t lay there like a hard plastic mannequin… Hey, she started writing before I ended that sentence. What did she say?”

“…Compared to those blow-up versions hidden in your closet, at least I was breathing.”

“Barely! There were times when I had to check your pulse just to see if you were still alive!”

“Oh dear, do I have to, Boss?”

“What… did… she… say?”

“She said… Playing dead distracted me from your eyes rolling to the back of your head, while you grunted and drooled all over me... Boss, please. None of this is productive. I suggest you concentrate on work right now and leave me out of this, okay?”

“You’re right, Amy. She’s out of my personal life. I’m free of her clutches, now. I’ve moved on and so should we… Okay, First positions, camera, sound, speed, rolling, and…”

“CUT!”

“Goddam it, Amy! What now?”

“The actors, boss.”

“What about them?”

“They’re erm, doing it.”

“Yes, I know. This is the adult entertainment industry. We’re shooting a porn film and they obviously needed to warm up during the continuing interruptions and get into character. Keep rolling, that’s it, Tom. Let her get your full attention.”

“Sir, I wasn’t aware that this was an x-rated production.”

“What, they didn’t cover that in your new employee induction?”

“I didn’t get a new employee induction.”

“And I didn’t get a make sure you tell the dogsbody it’s a porn film induction. Someone must have mentioned it in all those pointless meetings you were invited to?”

“The word Adult, was thrown around, but I thought it meant we just needed to act adult on set.”

“Welcome to show Business, Amy! Now, Tom. Turn her around gently. That’s it. Let’s get that money shot.”

“I’m sorry, sir. This is making me very uncomfortable.”

“Amy, where did you see the ad for this job?”

“It was posted on the wall of my local laundromat.”

“And you didn’t think, Gee! That’s odd. I thought it would be harder to break into the movie industry.”

“I’ve only recently moved to L.A. I thought that’s how it’s done here, and I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.”

“You mean, like what Erica is doing right now?”

“Oh God! I feel ill.”

“Hey, it’s just occurred to me. Why does an adult movie need an intimacy coordinator, anyway?”

“My question sir, is why does a movie that bares all to millions of viewers, need a closed set? My understanding is that intimacy coordinators help choreograph and coordinate scenes of simulated sex and nudity in a movie and they also establish boundaries for actors.”

“Good point, Amy. Not much simulated sex going on here, is there?”

“No, sir.”

“There’s only one reason she is here, and I’d say it has something to do with a certain singing producer – the husband of our leading actress. I slipped up just ONE TIME, RUTH! Okay, more than one time. That doesn’t make me a bad person. For what it’s worth, I was a devoted husband – most of the time.”

“…She’s typing… That must have been a different wife in a different life – she says. Because during most of your relationship with her, you were devoted to the bathroom mirror more than your love-starved wife, and your extra-marital antics could have been forgiven – given the industry you work in. But you insisted on doing this movie with the temporary mistress that replaced your permanent wife… Who does she mean, sir?”

“The contortionist on the bed over there - trying to get Tom to…”

“…Come on, you! No! You didn’t! What a dick!”

“Amy?”

“I’ve just read what your ex has written about you and you’re a dick!”

“What did my supportive ex-to-be say?”

“She’s written that You have a history of sleeping with every leading actress and assistant you work with… and that she’s lost count of the times she found an earring, underwear, or set of fluffy handcuffs and mouth gags carelessly left under her bed. She also adds that the real irony is that the closest you two ever came to a bondage lifestyle, was at the registry office when she said, I do.”

“I think you mean, Bonded.”

“I read it correctly.”

“Let me get this straight. If you knew about all the others, Ruth. How could you let it go on for so long? Amy, what’s she writing?”

“…Oh no. No no no, Boss. I don’t want to be in the middle of this any longer. I’m taking a mental health break.”

“Hey, come back. What did she write? AMY?”

“…She wrote that for every cheap actress or starstruck assistant you brought home, she booked a hotel room with a certain singing producer for a bit of her own action on the side - several times a week… and for the last time, my name is Amai!”

“Amy, come back! You’ve got the clapper board! Where are you going?”

“Back to Louisiana! You movie people are a bunch of self-centred, egotistical, shallow, and outright hypocrites!”

“Amy! I thought you were from Liberia… Come back! GODDAMIT! Cut! Cut! CUT!”