A Traitor on Board?

Captain Finnian, the famous intergalactic space photographer, woke up slowly and rubbed his eyes, still only half awake. He looked at the clock on his nightstand and got confused. He had only been asleep for four hours, it was still the middle of the night (of course, “night” doesn’t quite work the same way on a spaceship in the middle of space. More accurately it was the middle of his sleeping period, but the phrase “middle of the night” stuck).

Finnian normally slept really well, so he was surprised that he woke up so early. Was something wrong with the spaceship? Did an alarm or sensor wake him up? He listened closely, but he couldn’t hear anything coming from the spaceship he knew so well. He did hear a familiar voice through the wall though…

Was that Quixly? His faithful co-captain slept in the room next to his, and he could hear him talking to someone through the thin walls. No one else was on their spacecraft, so he knew Quixly must be talking to someone on their Intergalactic Communication Device (ICD for short). Captain Finnian debated pounding on the walls to tell Quixly to shut up, but curiosity got the better of him. He wanted to hear what Quixly was saying.

Finnian smiled as he held an empty cup up to the wall and then pressed his ear to it. What was Quixly hiding from him? Did he have a secret girlfriend? Was he on a late-night talk show? He had to know, so he strained to make out the words Quixly was saying on the other side of the wall.

“Yes sir.” Quixly said in a strangely serious tone. Captain Finnian rarely heard his goofy co-captain talk so formally and intensely.

Quixly continued. “I understand sir, you want me to eliminate him. Is it completely necessary though? I’ve been with him for some time now, and I’ve started to think of him as almost a friend.”

Finnian was glued to the wall in shock. What was he hearing?

“Yes sir, I understand the importance of our cause. … Yes sir, I am completely loyal to you and to the Dark Lord. … Yes sir, I will eliminate him. … Forget that I called him my friend. Good riddance to him.”

Captain Finnian was shocked. What was going on? He had been friends with Quixly for ages! He knew Quixly so well! Quixly was funny and quirky and intelligent and honest and a really good guy! He would never work for a secret organization to kill people. Would he? Had all this time just been an elaborate hoax to spy on and eventually kill Captain Finnian? It couldn’t be. But Finnian couldn’t deny what he heard.

Oh! Quixly started talking again, so Finnian leaned in to hear. “Good plan, sir. I’ll poison his dinner, he’ll never know. … Yes, I’ll do it tonight. Hail the Dark Lord!”

With that Captain Finnian dropped the cup in fear and shock, and Quixly went quiet on the other end. Finnian stumbled back to his bed, but he didn’t sleep. He just kept thinking about what he had overheard. Was Quixly really going to kill him? Was his gentle co-captain really following a dark lord? Could he really be betrayed by his best friend like this? Thoughts like these and so many others went through Captain Finnian’s brain, and before he knew it his alarm went off and he had to get up and start the day.

As Finnian got dressed he decided not to say anything to Quixly about what he had heard. He wanted to wait and see if Quixly gave anything else away today. He needed proof before he could accuse his friend of wanting to murder him. Although last night seemed to be a lot of proof itself…

Captain Finnian eventually walked into the main cabin of the ship, and Quixly was already there.

“Mornin’, Captain!” Quixly said joyfully, no trace that anything strange had happened recently. He looked at Finnian a bit closer. “Wowza, you look beat! Did ya struggle to sleep last night?”

“Um, I’m fine.” Captain Finnian lied, rubbing his tired eyes. “How did you sleep?”

“I slept great!” Quixly responded. “It’s always easy to sleep peacefully when ya know ya have a great day ahead of you! I’ve been looking forward to today for a while!

“What do you mean?” Captain Finnian shot back, a bit harsher than he meant to.

Quixly looked at him strangely for a moment before continuing. “I mean I’m excited for the pictures we’re gonna take today. We’ve been traveling at hyper speed for weeks to get to this rare star formation, and today’s the day we get here!”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” Captain Finnian said tiredly.

“Ya forgot!?” Quixly said back in shock. “Wowza, Captain, are you alright? How could you forget!?”

“I dunno,” Finnian said. “I guess I just have other things on my mind.”

“Like what?” Quixly said curiously. Then he smiled. “Are you thinking about me killing you…”

Captain Finnian panicked and immediately cut Quixly off mid-sentence. “What!? No!! Haha, why would I think that!?!? Why did you say that!? What!? I don’t think those things! Do you think them!?”

Quixly gave Finnian a very strange look this time. “Captain, what on planet ZX-30 are ya talking about? I’m talking about when I killed you in our game of space checkers last night. Ya don’t need to be so embarrassed; it was just one game!”

Captain Finnian thought back to their game of space checkers last night. Oof, Quixly did kill him in it. But that was beside the point. Quixly was obviously messing with him now. Did he know that he had overheard him last night? He must, with what he was saying. Oh, why did he have to torture him like this?

Quixly watched Captain Finnian just stand there in a cold sweat, so he continued. “Captain, ya really don’t look too good. You must have had an awful night’s sleep. Look, I was gonna fix ya up a nice dinner tonight after we took the pictures, but ya obviously need something sooner. Why don’t ya go sleep for another hour or so, and I’ll make you my famous breakfast burritos with the Waflacksen eggs and the Poorgloatathug sausage! Oooh, it’s so good! I’ll even make you my special sauce, sir! It’s to die for!”

Captain Finnian couldn’t take it any longer, he had all the evidence he needed. He broke down sobbing and backed away from Quixly. “No!!! I refuse to eat it! I know what you’re doing! You’re going to poison me! I heard your whole plan last night! I know you were talking to someone on the ICD! I know you’re working with a dark lord, and that they want you to murder me! But I won’t let you!”

Quixly paused for a moment, and then burst out laughing. He laughed so hard he fell out of the chair he was sitting in. Tears started streaming down his face, and he wheezed and snorted too. Finnian was confused at first, but Quixly had a laugh that was incredibly contagious, so he started chuckling too, even though he didn’t know why.

“What are you laughing at?” Captain Finnian managed to get out between bursts of laughter. “What’s going on?”

Quixly continued to laugh for a minute or two longer, but he eventually calmed down enough to get back into his chair and wipe his tears. “Oh, Captain! That was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! Gee wizzy dizzy, ya actually thought I was gonna kill you! Ok, let me explain. Have ya ever heard of role-playing games? Where friends get together and basically make up an awesome fantasy adventure together?”

Captain Finnian nodded, thinking he might be catching on to what happened. “Yeah, like Labyrinths and Lizard Monsters?”

“That’s the one!” Quixly said. “I’ve got a few friends from back home that I play with occasionally. I never told ya because I thought you’d judge me, so I’ve been playing it at night when you’re asleep.” Quixly started chuckling again, thinking about the previous night. “Sir, what ya heard last night was me acting out my character in the game. I play an assassin who has to kill someone. It wasn’t about you! It wasn’t real at all!” Quixly burst out laughing again.

Captain Finnian just stood there feeling like an idiot. How on planet ZX-30 did he think that was real? Of course Quixly wasn’t going to kill him. He made a mental note to never try to sleuth again on only four hours of sleep, it obviously didn’t work well for him. He then thought a bit more about what Quixly had said.

“Quixly,” Captain Finnian started, getting the attention of his laughing co-captain. “Did you really think I’d judge you for playing Labyrinths and Lizard Monsters?”

Now it was Quixly’s turn to be embarrassed. “Umm, a little bit, sir.”

“Quixly, you’re my best friend and the co-captain of my ship. You don’t need to be embarrassed about things like that! Besides, that’s certainly not the weirdest thing you’ve done. Anyway, I actually used to play Labyrinths and Lizard Monsters as a kid, and I loved it! Can I join your campaign?”

Quixly perked up. “Wowza, sir, really? You like that game? Gee wiz, of course you can join! I’ll let my friends know you want in. But don’t worry, we’ll stop playing in the middle of the night, you obviously don’t think straight without enough sleep, and we can’t have ya ruining our campaign with horrible decisions!”

Captain Finnian laughed. “Good, I agree! Now, are you still gonna make me those famous breakfast burritos? I’m dying to try one!”