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Coming of Age Crime Thriller

It was dead silent and the chilling breeze added to my discomfort. Mark seemed completely relaxed as we walked among the tombstones and was even whistling lightly.

It was late fall and winter seemed to have come early this year. The ice-cold rain made it all the more miserable. Even so, we pushed on.

"Why did I ever agree to this?" I thought

"Was proving myself in this stupid bet worth it? Ah who am I kidding, I'd look like a total bitch if I backed out now wouldn't I?"

Mark seemed to read my discomfort and grins.

"You wussing out already Eli, you know the nights just began right?"

I look at him with slight annoyance 

"Not for a second mate and can't wait to see you bail. Everyone knows you just act tough but on the inside, you're just as soft as you are chubby."

Mark just laughs at my response.

"Oh, you know me better than that! Cus It'll take more than a little insult like that to get me mad."

Mark now points to a big oak tree in the center of the cemetery

"Alright! This is where we will set up camp...and you know the rules!"

I roll my eyes.

"Ya ya ya, no falling asleep I get it."

I now take out a small blanket and put it over the ground next to the tree. As we both sit down and rest against the tree trunk I look at my surroundings more intently. 

The rain seemed to have dyed down now and there was a certain calm despite the current setting. As I put an earbud in one ear I began listening to my favorite Billy Joel songs. A bit old school I admit but just what I needed to relax. 

Mark is now in the process of rolling a joint. I watch him with mild amusement and shake my head. I’d smoked a couple of times myself but Mark was on a different level altogether to the point where he’d made it his daily ritual. He now takes a long puff and offers it to me. I politely refuse and continue with my music. 

The time begins to crawl by and boredom quickly becomes the biggest obstacle. Mark soon fixes this however as he begins a feverish rant involving a wild range of conspiracy theories. Like always it ended with the phrase “Fuckin lizard people…” and Mark laughing non-stop. 

And as I had suspected, Mark soon showed signs of nodding off. I now simply bid my time and continued with my music. About fifteen minutes in, he lay fast asleep and my victory was now certain. I smiled at this and now got up to stretch while feeling elated and somewhat proud of myself.

Just to make sure, I quickly took several photos of him so he couldn’t dispute it later. I then sat back down. Was about to continue with my music when suddenly there was a noise nearby. It didn’t alarm me at first but as it got louder I realized that we were no longer alone. It was a low rasping sound and as I looked in its direction I saw a glimpse of flashlights. 


As I rushed to wake up Mark I also noticed there were three figures. In the moonlight. I can now see their outlines as one seemed to be digging into one of the graves. 

In my shock, I mouth “Grave robbers” and persist in waking up Mark. He finally gets out of his trance and I cover his mouth while motioning him to stay quiet. His expression slowly goes from confusion to fear as he registers the three figures nearby.


We now stay very still and can hear some of the grave robber’s conversation.

“Faster Eric! Before anybody hears us...and you sure this is the right spot?”

“Don’t you fuckin rush me and of course this is right! When has Don Eladio ever been wrong about this.”

“I don’t trust that Latino prick, always acting as if he owns us!”

“I agree John but the money is just too good to refuse his...employment.”

“Well, the thing is that we won't need him once we…”

The man referred to as Eric stops as they hear the sound of metal hitting metal. 

"Here it is boys!"

They then take out what looks to be a large metal suitcase.

My curiosity now out ways my fears and so Mark and I slowly creep up to them through the trees. I want to see more.

  One of the other men now takes the shovel from Eric and continues digging. He quickly takes out another metal suitcase and then a third. The three men seem very excited as one is opened after the other to reveal a mound of cash in each one. The suitcases were filled to the brim and so some even fell out onto the grass.

I look in absolute wonder at what must be millions of dollars. I turn to Mark who has his eyes wide in awe but completely silent.

"Jesus! I've never seen so much money in my life!"

"I get your surprise rookie but this is a normal shipment so get used to it. Now close them so we can carry it all to the truck." 

He then motions to the third man and says "We need to cover the whole back up first or someone might wonder, got it?"

Without another word, he begins covering up the hole. At that moment the one in charge does a sudden scan of the area with his flashlight.

We were both not expecting this and we're caught off guard. I rush to hide Mark away from the light but it's too late and part of his head remains exposed for a moment.

This is enough to get the man's attention and he directs his flashlight on us. We’ve been spotted. Without hesitation, I grab Mark by the arm to push him forward and we are both now running away. “God damn it, Mark! Let’s get the hell out of here!” As I urge him to run faster I hear them close behind us.

"Hey, these fuckers were watching us! Don't let them get away!" 

Very soon all three men are chasing them through the wooded cemetery. My heart is racing a mile a minute and I have never felt more terrified. I am a good runner but Mark struggles to keep up and quickly lags behind. As I get to the edge of the cemetery I look back and am filled with dread as I see Mark trip on a tree branch and fall. I freeze and watch hopelessly as the men reach him and start beating him senseless. My urge to help him is outweighed by the fear as I see that they all carry guns. The leader looks at me but then turns back to Mark and pistol whips him till he’s unconscious.

Knowing I can very well be next I sprint away and don’t look back. As I continue to run for several blocks without stopping my mind is a scrambled mess. A line of thought fills my mind again

“What the fuck, what the fuck just happened!?” 

And then the obvious hit me. “I need to call the cops! It’s the only way to save Mark!”

 The shock had finally dyed down and I try to compose myself as I dial 911.




For the next several hours I get interrogated by several policemen and detectives and I bring them to the site. The hole was hastily covered and they spotted it easily. My description of the money-filled suitcases seemed to get them all excited. I desperately begin to search for Mark alongside several other cops. But as the sun begins to rise he is nowhere to be seen. 


I now sit at a park bench feeling anxious and defeated. The cops had continued the search but the odds didn’t seem promising. They had already asked all their questions and I was free to go but couldn’t get myself to go home. 


After a few grueling minutes I jump off the bench in realization and startle an old lady that had been walking by.

The Bandana I thought. I hadn’t mentioned it to the police since I didn’t think it was relevant. But no, it would be the deciding puzzle piece. I now remembered that one of the men had a black bandana covering most of his face since he’d been digging. It had a distinct flame and chains insignia on it that belonged to a local biker gang called “The Maniacs of Fire”. 

They had to be part of that gang. Another idea suddenly dawned on me and so I quickly made a phone call. 


Hours later I am now accompanied by another close friend of mine named Julian. He’s a large fellow and certainly tough. What’s most important is that he’s a bike enthusiast and happens to know where the “Maniacs of Fire” tend to hang out. He also carries with him his dad’s revolver which makes me feel confident in my plan. As we silently sneak into the junkyard through a broken link in the fence I brandish my metal bat evermore tightly. I also carry two pocket knives and am ready to use them. Where coming for you buddy.

As we crouch behind some truck tires I can now take a glimpse at the bikers. There are five of them and I quickly recognize the bandana. The fear slowly tries to creep in but I push it down.



Julian now points out something that’s on the ground. It’s Marks backpack and it’s propped against some of the wreckage. Its contents are spilled all over the pavement. This makes me uneasy but at the very least reassures me that Mark is here. In the center of the clearing, there’s a small trailer and the bikers seem to be waiting on someone.




The trailer door opens suddenly and a bloodied figure is pushed out. He barely staggers along and drops to the ground when he’s pushed a second time. 

“Mark,” I whisper and nudge Julian who nods back and gestures to his gun. I quickly mouth “Not yet.” and we continue to watch and wait for the right moment.

Mark is now on his knees and the leader of the bunch seems to be telling Mark something. Mark just shakes his head sobbing. This is quickly received by a sharp jab to the face. It’s heart wrenching to watch and I am about to give Julian the signal when the beating suddenly stops. All the bikers seem to change their attitude and begin brandishing their weapons. 

A luxurious white Mercedes drives into the complex, seeming very out of place in this rough landscape. As it rolls to a stop in front of the bikers three well-dressed men get out.

One of the three wears a distinct black suit accompanied by pointy leather shoes. He is clearly the one in charge.

He looks at Mark’s poor state and makes a look of bitter distaste. 

“Why I didn’t know The Maniacs had a taste for brutalizing children, that’s low even for you.”

The leader of the gang now walks over to him and says “He was trying to steal your money Don Eladio, you should thank us.”

He towers over Don Eladio and his men.

“Why I just might, but first I’d like to see the cash in my possession understood?”

The gang leader gives a whistle and one of the bikers goes into the trailer and soon arrives with two suitcases.

“Here it is boss.” the biker says and hands it to Don Eladio’s men who quickly open them to confirm its contents.

His men nod to him as he looks right at the gang leader.

“Is that all?”

“Of course it is, that’s what my men recovered. Nothing more nothing less.”

Don Eladio seems convinced and nods. 

“Well, this was a nice visit...next week will be the same as usual, understood?”

The biker nods.

I now realize that when Don Eladio leaves we will be at mercy of these bikers. I become desperate and an idea morphs in my head. So before Julian can stop me I yell out

"There was a third suitcase! A third one! Those bikers are stealing from you!"

At my voice, all their guns are drawn in my direction and I know there’s no turning back. Julian is completely shocked and before I can do anything he runs away carrying his gun.

“You fucker.” I hiss. But of course, who can blame him. 

I am alone and so reluctantly walk out from behind the truck tires.

Don Eladio looks bemused but then looks at the bikers with steely gaze. He motions for me to come forward.

I am losing it on the inside but manage to walk over to him. I take a quick look at Mark who sees me at that moment and mumbles "Eli...yyou came for me...you are a good friend…I thought…"

He falls back unconscious.

I now realize that the next few moments will determine both of our fates and now try looking as brave as I can. 

Don Eladio stares at me calmly and says "I will give you a minute to explain yourself as that is a bold accusation."

I look back and nod.

"My friend Mark and I were in the graveyard and saw when they dug up the suitcases filled with money. We both saw three suitcases be opened. They spotted us and we tried to run. I got away but my friend wasn’t so lucky...Please sir can you just let us go? We won’t tell anybody about what we saw I swear to you.”

He now seems deep in thought for a while and then looks at the lead biker.

“So you’re both thieves and arrogant fools. Seems like “The Maniacs of Fire” have forgotten who they work for…” 

His men now point their heavy guns at the bikers.

“Better yet who lets them draw breath on this earth.”

The five bikers all do the same and it’s a standoff between his two men and the six bikers.


“Seems like your the fool old man, don’t you know how to count? Besides those rifles will only get you so far.”

Don Eladio seems undeterred and while he appears unarmed himself he slowly walks closer to the biker who is uneasy with this action.

“Seems you’ve all made your choice then?”

“Seems like it, you Latino bastard. We’ve had enough of your fuckin bullshit, acting as if you own us. Ain’t that right boys?”

They all cheered in agreement.

In response, Don Eladio takes out a cigarette and pretends he has no lighter. Then gestures to the biker as if he was a close friend.

“Would you mind lighting my cigarette I seem to have forgotten my lighter?” 

He says this while brandishing a charming smile that belongs somewhere else entirely.

I am astonished by this action like everyone else and it infuriates the biker so much that he now puts the gun directly to Don Eladio’s forehead. 

“Look! I don’t care who you are or how powerful you might have been down south. Nothing is stopping me from blowing your fucking brains out here and now, you got that!?”

Don Eladio merely looks back with a devil’s grin.

“Well if your gun was loaded...of course, but how can you be so sure?”

In response, the biker pulls the trigger again and again. It clicks empty every time. Before the shock and realization can reach the biker, Don Eladio pulls out a blade from inside his suit and cuts the man’s throat. He's dead before he hits the ground and his blood spills onto my shoes. I don’t dare move of course.

 The shock that instills the other bikers seemed to last an eternity as they couldn’t believe what they’d witnessed. Now a green laser appears to zero in on one of the men’s forehead and he is soon dead by a silent bullet. His brains are now all over the asphalt. The remaining four bikers quickly drop their weapons in surrender.

One of them is sweating feverishly and two seemed to have soiled themselves. Only one appears composed and now walks over to one the wrecked cars and takes out the third suitcase from its trunk. He hands it to Don Eladio. 

“Here is your money and forgive me, as I couldn’t stop there abuse of the kid, or else I’d look weak.”

“I understand, you can relax mi amigo. Just tell your remaining men to help the guy up and give him some water.”

He motions to the three terrified men who now act without question.

He now looks to me with his steely gaze.

“How old are you?”

“I...I’m 17 sir.”

“And what’s your name?”

I manage to reply.

“Eli...my name is Eli.”

 “Well, Eli...I got to say that took a lot of balls to do what you did.”

“Thank...thank you.”

“You know I can use young men like you, and I guess you already know too much for me to just let you go.”

Don Eladio gives a light chuckle.

I give a nervous laugh in return.

“Listen, how would you like to work for me, hmm?... Not with the maniacs of course but have your own gang. You can name it whatever you want...all that matters is that you answer only to me...understood?”

I am once again freaking out but even so manage a small nod and say

"Ok."

With that response, Don Eladio now smiles his devils grin once more, seeming content with how things played out. He now extends his hand to seal the agreement.

I look at him cautiously and reluctantly shake his hand. From then on I knew my life would never be the same.





October 30, 2020 03:05

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1 comment

Marissa Yates
21:37 Nov 06, 2020

Hi Manuel! Congrats on a very creative story! I have a few suggestions from Critique Circle if you are interested! The dialogue seemed a little stilted, so I would recommend reading it out loud and seeing if it sounds right to you. Sometimes things will sound a little odd when spoke out loud, so then you can experiment with what would sound more realistic to you. I would also recommend looking into dialogue tags and action beats and how to punctuate them. (Only start a new line when a new character speaks, keep dialogue tags and ac...

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