Jack Lost It

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Martha Clayborne, head of the NIAID, has extended the stay at home order. Today marks the third straight year of nationwide lockdowns. Ms. Clayborne is under fire recently for her involvement in the KEL Clinics scandal. Experts say…

It’s been three months and Jack was still unable to find the remote control for his TV. It’s been running nonstop. The TV itself had no buttons – something to do with modern design. It was stuck on the same channel at the same volume.

Jack tried unplugging the TV once but it caused his apartment to lose electricity for hours until the maintenance worker could turn it back on. 

Everyday was mostly the same as the day before except for Thursdays. Jack had subscribed to LOOT!, a service that would send the customer a box of random items (referred to as treasure), for a monthly fee. 

Jack was awoken by a sharp knock at the door. 

“It’s here early,” Jack said to himself as he waited for the shadow under the door to disappear, signaling it was safe to secure the package. 

Jack opened the door and grabbed the box which he turned on its side to avoid opening the door too wide. He placed the box on the kitchen counter, cutting the tape down the middle with a sharp knife. A note was laid on top of the items. 

Dear valued customer,

Thank you for your continued support. Please enjoy this month’s LOOT! You will find this month to be especially full of the types of treasure you’ve come to expect from us. Redeem this coupon for 40% off your next month’s subscription.

Inside the box, Jack pulled out a cup shaped like a frog, a pair of small binoculars, and a pirate made of felt. At the bottom of the box, was a large cat onesie which Jack unfolded in front of him.

“This is the best one yet” Jack mumbled to himself. 

Jack spent the evening in his cat onesie watching reruns of old sitcoms. Every so often, Jack would have an idea of where the remote might be. Usually some obscure place he hasn’t looked before – or had forgotten he looked. 

It was around 10:00 pm. Jack had fallen asleep on the couch. He woke up to go to the kitchen for a drink of water. He picked up the binoculars lying on the counter. There was a sticker on the side of the binoculars with a cartoon ghost. It read:

NIGHT VISION 

Jack, wanting to test the validity of his night vision binoculars, opened his apartment window and stood at the end of the small balcony. 

“They actually work,” he thought. 

Jack aimed the binoculars at the window of an apartment across from his. Someone else was looking back at him. A man in a dog onesie with the same binoculars. The man lowered his binoculars and nodded in Jack’s direction. The man got on all fours like an animal and walked into the black of his apartment. 

“Why did I have to get the cat onesie?” Jack thought.

A large pounding at Jack’s front door woke him in the middle of the night. He could see a shadow underneath the door. Jack hoped if he was silent and didn’t turn on any lights that whoever was at the door would leave. 

“I know you’re in there I can hear the TV” the voice said from behind the door. “You’re looking for your remote, right?” the voice continued. 

Jack shifted closer to the door. 

“You have my remote?” Where is it?” 

“We can’t talk here, it's not safe” the voice said. 

“Safe? There’s no one else here. Who are you?”

“Meet me in the alley. You’ll have your remote back soon.”

“The alley? What alley?” Jack said. 

“The one on your map. You're one of us now; I have to go”. 

The shadow underneath the door disappeared. Jack went to the kitchen and flipped on the light. He searched through the box, taking it completely apart. He checked the pockets of his onesie – nothing, no map. 

He picked up the pirate made of finely matted felt. In the pirate’s hand was a piece of brown paper. Jack took the paper, unfolding it into a map many times its original size. It was a pirate map with red lines and an X. The map, Jack quickly discovered, was a map of his city. The X marked an area behind an apartment building just a few blocks away. 

“This must be it,” Jack thought. “This is where the man behind the door wanted me to go.”

With some hesitation, Jack left his apartment for the first time in months; sneaking out in his cat onesie. If he was caught he would be fined and possibly thrown in jail. 

Jack followed the map of red lines to the alley where the X was marked making sure to stay off the main streets. 

“Psst over here” said a figure leaning against the wall.

Jack couldn’t see the figure but the shadow of the figure’s ear was imprinted on the damp concrete where they stood. It was the ear of a dog.

“Hello?” said Jack.

“Why are you here?” the figure asked. 

“Well…you said you had my remote and I was –”

“Why are you speaking English? I can’t understand you.” The figure interrupted. 

“What do you mean? You’re speaking English – I can understand you.” Said Jack.

“You’ll have to use your voice,” said the figure.

“My voice? What do you -”

“You’re a cat,” The figure said sharply.

“So, what? You want me to sound like a cat?”

“I can’t understand you.”

Jack scoffed. “This is ridiculous. I’m going home”.

Jack turned and started back the way he came. The figure barked. The echoes rang through the silent streets. They both were at risk of being caught.

“Okay, okay…Meow?” Said Jack.

“Well why didn’t you say so” said the figure. “Follow me.”

The figure leads Jack to an abandoned building not far from the alley where they met. They climbed a few flights of stairs until they happened upon a crawl space. Jack and the figure squeezed through the small space in the wall. 

The pair crawled for a few minutes in pitch black.

“Where are we going?” Jack said, not expecting an answer.

“We’re here,” said the figure.

The pair arrived at the end of the tunnel to an area draped with strobe lights and blankets and sheets overhead that created a large tent. Lining the inside of the tent were bleachers filled with people in onesies of various animals. Everyone was staring at Jack. 

A woman in a squirrel onesie approached Jack and the man in a dog onesie, handing the man an item.

“What is this place?” Jack asked. “Who are all these people?”

The dog said nothing, handing Jack the item.

“What’s this?” Said Jack

“Your remote,” said the dog.

“My remote…Why do you have it?”

“We don’t know.”

“And why is there one button left on it?”

“We removed the ones that didn’t work.”

“Why haven’t you pushed this one?” said Jack

“We don’t know what will happen,” said the dog.

“Happen?” 

The dog nodded.

“You want me to push it?” Said Jack.

“That’s why you’re here,” said the dog. 

Jack looked to the crowd and back at the remote. He hovered his shivering finger over the last button before pushing down on it; holding it there for a few seconds.

The crowd looked around at each other waiting for something to happen. The crowd let out a moan of disappointment as they began to leave.

“Was that it? Was something supposed to happen? Why is everyone leaving”? Said Jack.

“We thought you were the one” Said the dog, hanging his head as he followed the crowd out.

Jack crawled alone through the dark tunnel, down the flight of stairs, and through the alley. He arrived home where everything was how he left it. He plopped down on his couch in front of the TV.

He pulled the remote from his pocket and hovered his finger over the last button.