Bucket List

“I haven’t, but it’s on my bucket list.”

- “Wot’s a bucket list?”

“You ogres have no culture at all, do you?”

- “You wot? We gots a lots of culture.”

“Like what?”

- “Like da Log Drum Festival.”

“What’s that?”

- “You don’t know wot a log drum is?”

“Of course, I know what a log drum is. A hollow log you beat with a stick.”

- “Right. Dat.”

“The festival, what is it?”

- “Oh. We builds a bonfire, beat on da log drums, dance around, and den go kill somefing to frow in the fire for eats.”

“One festival hardly makes a culture.”

- “Dere’s also da Skin Drum Festival.”

“The same thing, only with skin drums?”

- “No. Totally different.”

“Really? Is there a bonfire?”

- “Yeah.”

“And you beat on the skin drums?”

- “Yeah.”

“Dancing?”

- “Yeah.”

“Then you kill something, cook it in the fire and eat it?”

- “Exactly.”

“It’s the same thing!”

- “No! Totally different. Skin drums is not log drums, so not da same fing at all!”

“I’d sigh in exasperation, but you wouldn’t get it.”

- “Get wot?”

“Never mind. Any other cultural festivities?”

- “Oh! Children Drum Festival.”

“No. Tell me you don’t beat on children.”

- “Of course not. Da children beat on da drums.”

“Oh. Bonfire, dancing, and then you kill something, yada yada yada?”

- “Yeah.”

“Do you have any festivals that don’t involve killing something?”

- “Da Chieftain’s Festival.”

“Bonfire, drums, and dancing?”

- “Yeah.”

“Then what happens?”

- “Da chieftain shares da meat he brung for da feast.”

“Is there any cultural thing you do that doesn’t involve a bonfire, drums, dancing, and optionally very fresh meat cooked in that same bonfire?”

- “Da Midwinter Festival.”

“No bonfire?”

- “No. Too cold. We has it in da community center place.”

“Drums?”

- “No. Too loud inside.”

“Food?”

- “Yeah. Potluck.”

“Okay, that’s a little better, I guess. Then what?”

- “We plays bingo!”

“Ugh. Do ogres have any cultural things? More … highbrow. Like poetry, music that isn’t just drums, plays, anything?”

- “I told you. We plays bingo. We also plays hopscotch a lots.”

“Hopscotch? Surprising, that. But plays, like Shakespeare’s Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet?”

- “I ain’t played dose. Dey fun?”

“Forget it. Look, I’m just trying to find some kind of cultural connection here. What about clothes? Like, this kilt I’m wearing is Scottish, like me, and the pattern is my clan tartan.”

- “We has fancy clothes, too. Dis is my festival dress. I dressed up for you.”

“It certainly is a lovely brown.”

- “And look, I can wear like we does when festival start.”

“Oh, you can just pop those right out, can’t you?”

- “Better for hopscotch, see?”

“Don’t injure yourself.”

- “Feels good when dey is loose.”

“It, uh, looks rather mesmerizing, although perhaps dangerous.”

- “You funny little human. Not dangerous. I protects you.”

“Oh, that’s sweet. I…uh…can’t breathe…you’re squeezing too tight…and I’m right between your….”

- “Dat’s all da protects you get for now.”

“Thank you.”

- “So, wot is bucket list?”

“It’s a list of things I’d like to do before I kick the bucket.”

- “Why you kick da bucket? It leaks?”

“Not a literal bucket. It’s a euphemism for dying. You know what a euphemism is, right?”

- “I know euphemism. It’s wen da youf say one fing but mean another when dey being sneaky.”

“Not…exactly, but close enough, I guess.”

- “You sick? You looks healfy.”

“No, I’m not sick. I’m healthy and doing well.”

- “Den why you dying?”

“Oh, I’m not — at least not any time soon, I hope.”

- “Den why da bucket list?”

“It’s just things I think I’d like to try while I’m able. If I do them now, while I’m young and healthy, I won’t look back someday when I am dying and regret not doing them.”

- “Dat’s a good idea. I fink maybe I could makes bucket list and do fun stuff.”

“What are you — oh, your dress has pockets. I guess that counts as culture.”

- “Needs pockets for carry extra meats home.”

“Indeed. I see you have pencil and paper in there, although it appears stained.”

- “And dese.”

“Oh, yes, those would come in handy at a festival.”

- “Okay. I started bucket list.”

“What did you put on it?”

- “Is private.”

“My apologies. I didn’t mean to pry.”

- “Wot cultures you got?”

“We have the Highland Games, where we compete in traditional sports like caber-toss, listen to traditional bagpipe music, and eat traditional foods, like haggis. My favorite, though, is Scotch eggs for breakfast.”

- “No bonfire?”

“Not usually, no.”

- “Boring. Wot else?”

“Poetry. Of course, there’s Robert Burns … but there’s others as well.”

- “Robert burns wot? Bonfires?”

“No, no. That’s his name, Robert Burns.”

- “Dumb name if he not burns somefing. Anyfing else?”

“Highland music; the bagpipes and the….”

- “Drums?”

“Uh, yeah, the bagpipes and the drums.”

- “Even silly humans know drums is good.”

“But don’t forget the bagpipes.”

- “Dey sound like dying sheep stepped on by troll. Hurt ears.”

“That’s … that’s fair, I guess. But don’t forget the fiddle.”

- “Fiddle is fing wit’ squeaky strings?”

“It can be, if the player’s not very good.”

- “No good players, den?”

“Ugh. Never mind.”

- “Anyfing else?”

“There are Scottish playwrights, authors, musicians, artists — like Sir Henry Raeburn. He’s a bit famous.”

- “He not burns nofing too?”

“No, his last name is Raeburn.”

- “Why name people wot dey don’t do?”

“It’s um, a cultural thing?”

- “I knowed it. Culture is dumb. Except best ogre culture of all.”

“What’s that?”

- “Culture for making goat milk cheese.”

“Hah! That’s funny! You’ve got a keen sense of humor.”

- “And smell. You petted dog on way here, it rubbed on your left leg.”

“You can tell that by smell alone?”

- “Dog I can smell, dark fur on light trousers I see.”

“I’m wearing a kilt, those are my legs — you’re having me on!”

- “Dat’s da goal.”

“I didn’t expect you to be so humorous. You just keep impressing me.”

- “Okay, if you says.”

“I…can’t…breathe.”

- “You said to press.”

“Oof. I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.”

- “Kind of serious. If you wants.”

“Well, it’s possible. You’re very attractive. Not just for an ogre, but in general. Big strong woman like you, I’m sure you’ve had your pick of humans. So, to turn the original question back on you, have you ever had sex with a human?”

- “Not yet, but you’re on bucket list.”

“Seriously?”

- “This serious.”

“That’s — a whole roll — what, a dozen? You think we’ll need that many?”

- “For starts. I has more at home.”

“Oh, I hope I can keep up. And there goes the dress again. They really are magnificent.”

- “If you no keeps up, at least it’s one fing off your bucket list.”

“Too true. Lead the way — oh, right here? Okay.”