The Last Word

           I, Keith Kellerman, being of sound mind and body, do bequeath the following items to the persons listed…

           To my wife, Sandy, whom I shared most of my adult life with, I leave all of the credit card bills and outstanding loans from the massive amount of debt that you compounded over the years.

           To my son, Jacob, I leave the family station wagon. If you don’t think that it is a good enough car for a 17-year-old student, then go to college, get a good job, and buy whatever you want.

           To my best friend, Chuck, I leave my collection of x-rated DVDs that you borrowed and never bothered to return.

           To my uncle, Hollister, I leave you my fishing gear since you taught me more about fishing than my father ever had.

           Any money left in the secret bank account that I kept hidden from my wife will go to Lily St. James, the exotic dancer that I was having an affair with since 2013.

           As the lawyer read the Last Will And Testament to Keith’s family and friends, he could sense the tension building and he was ready to make a mad dash out the back door when fists started flying. In all of the years that he had been practicing law, he had never come across a will so spiteful.

           Sandy was the first to speak up. She was irate over the fact that after 20-plus years of marriage, the only thing she was going to get out of it was more debt. She thought that maybe she could sell the house and at least make some profit, but then she remembered that she asked to have a second mortgage put on the home so she could buy a new car and go on vacation to Tahiti last year.

           Jacob was complaining about the piece of crap car and claimed that he wouldn’t be caught dead driving that thing around town.

           Chuck quietly asked the lawyer if he had to return the hedge trimmer and the leaf blower that he borrowed as well since it wasn’t stated in the will.

           Hollister was satisfied with his fishing gear and edged his way through the crowd and out the door, smiling and waving to the lawyer as he left.

           Lily St. James wasn’t present at the will reading. She had to work a double shift at the club that night, but the lawyer would contact her the following day to tell her that after expenses, she would be left with a total of $1,324.96 which would be given to her in the form of a certified check.

***

           Later in the evening, Sandy Kellerman had a few of her neighbors stop by to offer their condolences and drop off food that they had prepared for her and her son, Jacob. Sandy gave them a sob story about how she may not be able to keep up on her utility payments or mortgage without Keith’s income. She was hoping that at least one of them would offer to help her out financially until she was able to get back on her feet, but nobody even hinted at lending financial aid to Sandy. The only good news that she had received, came the following day when she heard back from her husband’s insurance provider. It turned out that Keith had a $100,000 life insurance policy and Sandy was listed as the beneficiary, but once the funeral expenses were taken care of, she was only left with a little less than $5,000.

           Jacob decided that if he was going to drive around in his parent’s grocery-getter, then he would do his best to fix it up so it didn’t look so lame. With the help of his auto shop teacher at the high school, he gave it a fresh coat of paint and decided on Jet Black hoping that it wouldn’t stand out as much. After that, he planned on changing out the stereo system. His dad had never upgraded it from the original cassette player to a CD player. Of course, this would need to wait until he earned some extra cash. His dreams of a new stereo were put on hold, however, when he arrived back home that day and his mom announced that he was going to have to get a part-time job and start helping out with the rent, groceries, or utility bills. After protesting and debating her for over an hour, he gave in and agreed to go find a job.

           Chuck Green sat at home that evening switching back and forth between the porno movies that he obtained at the will reading and old video clips of him and Keith that he uploaded onto Facebook over the years. After watching the clips, he started to reminisce about their time together and began to get choked up. He opened a beer for himself and one in memory of Keith and drank them both down before returning to his next two hours of perversion.

           Hollister, Keith’s uncle, sat on a folding chair by the dock as the sun began to set. His fishing line was cast out roughly 30-feet with a bobber marking the hook’s location in the water. He couldn’t think of a more perfect gift. As he stared over towards the horizon in the West, he witnessed the sky turn from a bright blue to burnt orange and then to a deep red before sinking behind the trees on the far side of the lake. As the mosquitoes began to swarm around his head, he decided to call it a night and head inside. He reeled in his line and just before it reached the dock, he got a nibble, so he waited for the right moment and then gave the rod a quick whip embedding the hook into the mouth of the fish on the end of the line. As he pulled it out of the water, he was pleased to see a lake trout weighing roughly 25lbs wriggling around still fighting to be free. A perfect end to his day.

           Lily St. Clair received the call about the money that Keith had left her. At first, she didn’t understand. She wasn’t even aware that Keith had passed away; she just thought that he was upset with her and wasn’t answering her calls. Overall, she didn’t seem all that upset at the news of his death, but she was pleased to hear that he left her some money. She told the lawyer that she would use the cash to buy a few new outfits for work at the club. Then she asked the lawyer if he was looking for a sugar baby. When he refused her offer, she shrugged it off, took her check, and left the office.

***

           Meanwhile, in a much hotter place than Heaven, Keith was able to watch all of these events take place. The view of his former life brought him great satisfaction, but that was the last good feeling he would feel for the rest of eternity. Keith pondered his decision, and he decided that seeing the looks on their faces would be enough to get him through eternal damnation. He got in his last word even in death.