An Examination of Desire

The sight of him, his scent, his voice, his hair… everything so intensely tempting that I often found myself biting my lip as soon as he crossed my path. Shamefully, even when Lena was with me. 

“Isn’t he in your writing workshop class?” She’d asked me. Or at least that’s what I had thought I heard. I was busy staring at him, taking in every inch of him. The way the hem of his jeans were lightly frayed, his converse scuffed and on their last legs. His thighs, pressing against the denim, his hand resting on his belt buckle. His t-shirt tucked into the front of his pants, his toned chest showing through the cheap white fabric. His curly, blonde hair, swept back out of his face with a spiral hair tie. I’d sat behind him in class for ages, even staring at him from across the room I could almost smell the floral musk of his cologne. I’d memorized it… for better or worse. 

“Yeah,” I said back lamely. But I still couldn’t tear my eyes from Adam. A dog with a bone. I was pathetic. But something about him… I couldn’t shake the feeling he filled me with. It found its way into every crevice of my body, pooling warmth throughout my fingers and toes. I’d never felt such intense desire, if that was even the word for it. Lena mumbled something to me about her friend arriving across the room, and then disappeared from my side, leaving me alone with my thoughts. 

Then he looked at me. Just as quickly, he was headed over. 

Shit.

“Stephen, right?” Adam smiled, his teeth shining between his blush-colored lips.

“Yeah. That’s me.” All I could muster as I was fighting the urge to jump over the table between us and ravage him.

He laughed gently. What a sound. My chest felt tight.

“I hear we have a team project coming up in our workshop… wanna be partners?” He bellied up to the table just across from me and I felt our knees brush underneath, only jean between us. I swallowed hard, trying to hide it by tucking one of my dreads behind my ear. 

“Uh. Yeah. That’s cool,” I replied, trying not to give away my sinful excitement, “Do you know what it’s about?”

I felt a shiver come over me as a grin spread out over his face, his canine teeth sparkling. 

“Desire or something. We have to come up with a shared desire and cowrite a piece about it,” Adam explained, his eyes dipping from my face and eyeing my neck and body, making me self-conscious of the old polo shirt I’d thrown on that morning. I shifted uncomfortably.

“Oh.” I didn’t dare say much as I felt my entire body go tense, “Okay.”

“We can meet tonight in the library. Seven o’ clock work for you?” 

I bit the inside of my cheek as I noticed his adorable southern drawl come out just slightly as he spoke. I nodded, shellshocked by what had just happened. Just as quickly as he’d come over, he left, and I was alone again.

That night I debated whether I should even show up, the guilt of how I felt about Adam slowly setting in as I thought about Lena. We’d been together for a little over six months. I’d thought she was perfect for me… until I laid eyes on him. Just that singular thought set my face ablaze as I stood at my dorm room closet trying to come up with something acceptable to wear to meet him. I kept telling myself nothing was going to happen between us, but logically I knew if he made any advances, I would be no better than putty in his hands. 

Sometimes you don’t even know why you do things; your body just carries you through it. It felt like all of the sudden I was just sitting in the library, filled with immoral excitement that Adam would walk through the doors any minute.

I’d settled on my best pair of baggy jeans and a blue and white striped, short sleeved button up. It was September, so the weather was a little more forgiving than usual. Warm, but breezy. I left the top few buttons undone, and accessorized only slightly with a few rings, a chain necklace, and a pair of sneakers. I tied my dreads back with one of Lena’s hairbands and called it good enough. I felt okay, but my palms would not stop sweating. Guilt, excitement—probably a mixture. There were only a few other bodies in the library studying quietly, and the librarian posted at the front, reading some salacious magazine with paparazzi photos plastered all over the front. 

It was then I heard the door to the library creak open and turned in my seat to see him there. I checked the time on my laptop screen. Seven on the dot. He had on a pair of shorts and a hoodie, his curls falling wet and messy around his eyes. I’d never seen him look so… casual. Seemed like he’d just gotten out of the shower, his face gently flushed and his eyes a bit tired. He walked over with his messenger bag slung over one shoulder, smiling gently as soon as he spotted me. I turned back around to face the desk as I felt myself blush. Damnit, Stephen. Get a hold of yourself.

He took his messenger bag off and set it on the tabletop, grabbing the seat across from me.

“Hey,” he said softly, tucking a bit of his golden hair behind his ear. 

“Hi,” I said back, looking at him from behind my laptop, hoping he wouldn’t notice how nervous I was. I took a deep breath in and that’s when it hit me. That smell. His smell. Like a flower bed in the woods, right after a summer rain. I had to stop myself from leaning in to take another hit of it.

He smiled at me, licking his lips, and I looked down at my laptop for some reprieve. 

“So, I guess we have to talk about our deepest, darkest desires,” Adam teased gently, pulling his binder out of his messenger bag. I chewed on the side of my tongue in false thought, hoping he would go on. Thankfully, he did.

“I think mine might be… dying.” 

I looked up at him then, right in his crystal blue eyes, my eyebrows furrowed. He seemed to sense my concern. 

“Not like that,” he laughed gently, but I could feel the sadness behind it, “I mean, that’s the ultimate release, isn’t it?” 

I thought about what he was trying to say for a moment and then nodded slowly, looking off at some peeling poster on the library wall. 

“I guess so. But don’t you worry about what comes after the actual dying part? Like, what’s left?”

He shook his head as he leaned back in his chair, a similar far-off look draping over his eyes. 

“No. I don’t. Because once you’re there, what does any of it matter anyway? I just want to know what it feels like to be gone. To even know it ends has to be freeing,” Adam admitted, his voice quiet but thoughtful. I furrowed my eyebrows again at his last remark.

“To know it ends? What do you mean? Of course it ends… everyone dies,” I added skeptically, wondering if I’d mistaken his meaning. 

Adam shifted uncomfortably in his seat then, a similar rosy blush blanketing the peak and valleys of his nose and cheeks.

“Right. I… I don’t know what I was trying to say.”

I stared at him across the table while, for once, he seemed to be the one embarrassed. It felt odd to see him look so vulnerable. Usually, he had this air of maturity, and wisdom about him. Not the type of person you ever expected to see blushing after speaking out of turn.

“What about you, pretty boy? You must have something hidden in there,” Adam said then, his usual slight smirk coming back just as fast as it had left. The conversation seemed to break down rather quickly after that. Before we knew it, we were chatting like old friends, laughing and catching dirty looks from the librarian. Who, not so kindly, came over and let us know a while later the library would be closing for the night. 

After packing up our things, Adam and I stepped out into the cool September night together, the sky a deep blue, the campus lampposts shining like sparklers against it.

“What dorm are you in?” Adam asked as he walked side by side on the cobblestone. 

“This one actually,” I pointed up at the building only a dozen or so feet away from us, just a short walk from the library. He nodded and walked with me over to the front of the building, pausing when we reached the doors. 

“Do you ever think about dying, Stephen?” He asked suddenly, his face washed in fluorescent white light as it spilled out from the lobby of the dorms, lighting a small space outside the building. 

I shifted my weight, surprised by his question.

“I think everyone does. But… I wouldn’t say I desire it… not like you do anyway,” I admitted, shrugging my shoulders gently as I stood eye to eye with the man. I’d always felt a pull toward him, and while I still did, there was something else there now. Something else to consider. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, or even name the feeling.

“What do you really desire? I mean, actually? I can tell you were holding back in there,” Adam said then, his eyes darkening slightly. He took another step toward me and I felt that same tight feeling return to my chest. 

“Um,” I said, my throat thick. He was cornering me into the wall, the brick of the dorms against my back before I knew it.

“You can tell me,” He whispered, taking a long, even breath in as he inched toward me with purpose, our noses nearly brushing. 

He blinked and I thought I saw the color of his eyes… shift. That crystal blue looked deeper. Maybe gray? I chalked it up to the reflection of the night sky, but then I saw his teeth.

Glittering in the night, his canine teeth suddenly twice the size they were, and sharp as razorblades. I gasped, fear pinching my lungs closed as I realized the danger I was in. But it took only seconds for that fear to blend with lust, and form something even more sinister. I knew I very well could die… but I understood him now. I wanted it. More than anything.

“I want you,” I breathed, my words coming out shakier than intended. He knew I’d noticed, stepping back only slightly so I could see the whole of his face, twisted with deranged thirst.

“Then take me.”

I didn’t wait to connect our lips, the inside of my mouth immediately being cut by his fangs, the taste of my blood spreading between us like a few drops infecting a river. 

He moaned lightly against my mouth, grabbing my waist and bringing my body in with feverish intensity. The kiss transitioned to something closer to mouth to mouth as we inhaled and exhaled one another, pressed desperately against the dorm building wall in the dark. It felt like only seconds I’d been touching him before he pulled back and I felt his lips brush against my neck.

“God, I-“ He started, voice hoarse, and lower than before. I held his face, catching my breath, or attempting to.

“You can… bite me.”

I felt him pause in my grasp, seemingly surprised by my offer. He pulled back and looked at me again, my blood all over his lips. He kissed me again, a peck, and the taste made his eyes glitter. 

“I don’t just bite people once…” Adam whispered through labored breathing, licking every last bit of my blood from his bruising lips.

“Bite me, Adam,” I breathed, tilting my head back so my neck was fully on display. He didn’t hesitate.

I woke up the next morning with the boy in my bed, head resting on my chest as he slept. Which immediately raised questions for me that were quickly replaced with concern when I tried to lift my head off of my pillow and was overcome with a staggering dizziness. I blinked a few times as Adam woke, and then I noticed the bites. All over my thighs, a few on my chest, and running my fingers over my neck let me know he’d left a handful there as well. 

“Easy,” Adam whispered sleepily, leaning over the bed to reach into his messenger bag. He rolled back over with an apple juice and a package of cookies, dropping them in my lap.

“You-“ I blinked again, “You really drank my blood.”

Adam chuckled, propping himself up on one of his elbows as he looked at me. 

“I should have known the shock would hit you eventually. Now eat, I’m sure you feel weak.”

I pried open the package of cookies and took a bite from one, leaning back on my pillows as I chewed slowly. 

“So you’re a-“

“Sort of, yeah.”

“Sort of?”

“I’m half human. Well, maybe 40%.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“How does that happen?”

Adam sat up and kicked his legs off the bed, grabbing his boxers from the floor and slipping them on.

“My dad was a human, my mom’s a vampire. When you’re inside of the vampire, it tends to kind of skew the proportions a bit,” Adam explained, stretching his arms over his head. 

Onto my second cookie, and sipping at my apple juice, I sat up finally. 

“So, you can’t die, even though you’re partly human?” I asked, recalling our conversation from the night before. He nodded gently. 

“I can die. It would just take a lot, so it’s highly unlikely I ever will.”

I took a breath in slowly, “This is insane.”

“Which part exactly?” Adam asked sarcastically, finding his hoodie thrown over the back of my desk chair. 

“The part where you, a half-vampire, had sex with me.”

Adam laughed heartily at that, brushing his hair back out of his face as he looked over at me. I felt my stomach turn under his gaze, the pain of all the bites along my body tingling slightly. It was one of those moments where I became so aware of just being alive, that I felt my soul shift a little bit. One of those moments where you know you’ll never, ever be the same. That familiar fear climbed in my throat as I stared at this man who once had just been a burning desire in my chest and was now turned something much more important. Something that, as I stared at the bites again, the sweetness of another chocolate chip cookie on my tongue, the morning sun flooding through my cheap dorm curtains—I knew I couldn’t lose. 

THREE WEEKS LATER.

I stood in front of the class alone, in contrast to all the duos that had gone ahead of me, standing together. I wasn’t one to get nervous, but I knew that was the way I was feeling. That human part of me, though small, came out in big ways when it wanted to. My palms were sweating, my hands shaking, my legs wobbly. I couldn’t remember the last time I was so in touch with my humanity. 

“Adam. I see you’re alone,” Professor Ruth said, scowling from her desk. I cleared my throat, shifted my weight, and nodded awkwardly.

“Right. Stephen hasn’t been feeling well the past few days, but I brought our project.”

The class looked on with bored stares as the professor thought this over for a moment, before nodding as if saying ‘alright.’ Thinking about Stephen… I felt a little better. A little calmer. My human parts always responded that way to him, like a beacon of light, he drew out the parts of me not many others saw. 

“Stephen and I wrote about change. Our deepest desire is change.”

Another gesture from the professor, and I began to read what we’d written. I’d written a fair amount, but Stephen had taken the last few paragraphs. I hadn’t read them over. As I did, I suddenly felt a bit naked.

People say a vampire can never truly love a human, because that vampire will eventually change them. One bite, and the human is no longer that. Human. But who we once were… doesn’t that count for anything? All the places we’ve been, people we’ve seen, things we’ve done—they have to have meaning. The meaning of all of those things lies in the way they evolve. In their ability to change. More people remember a promise when it is broken. A day that was chaotic, over a day that was calm and usual. We are wired to remember each unexpected twist and turn, each plot twist we experience. 

In those changes, we find our humanity. And whether we admit it or not, what we desire most, lies in these moments of shock, displeasure, and even pain. A vampire bites a human not because they don’t love them… it’s quite the opposite. A vampire feels so incredibly loved by a human that if that human asks to be bitten, asks to be theirs for eternity, how could they ever refuse? 

I looked up from the page and felt my heart beating faster than normal but I was smiling, ever so slightly. Idly, I remembered how I said I desired death. Nothingness. I couldn’t have been more wrong as I saw him in my mind’s eye. Lying in his dorm room, slowly changing for me. For us. Because he desired me; how could I ever refuse him?