The Deadliest Dinner

They each pulled out our respective hip flasks because they were both smart enough to know the other would try to poison the other’s glass. He winced at the heat of the drink; he would not add any ice cubes from the vending machine to his plain water- filtered and scooped up by him- because the ice cubes would certainly be poisoned, wouldn’t they?

He definitely wouldn’t put that past his arch nemesis. His dagger lay under his napkin, and there were blades sheathed in both of his ankles. A belt around his waist held yet another blade for safekeeping. He was prepared for a fight when it came to them. 

“Well,” he said, poking tentatively at his meal. It wasn’t very appetizing- some sort of sludgy oatmeal that was still basically oats in water because he hadn’t cooked it enough. He had to stop slow-cooking things. He needed a faster method of cooking oatmeal.

“Well,” she said, stabbing a dagger down on the table. It penetrated the smooth, glazed, wooden surface of the resting place of their food. She took a bite of a plain sandwich. Bread and lettuce. Delicious. Of course he was being sarcastic. 

He wanted her army. She wanted money. They had decided to meet at this restaurant at midnight. 

The owner practically hated them for staying in the restaurant in the middle of the night and not even buying anything. But seeing as she had the same amount- maybe more- weapons then he did- the owner had decided to do something.

“About your army…” he said.

She thrust her other dagger down on the table. She definitely had a lot of those. 

“Name a price.” She said angrily. She wanted to kill him, but his money had been stashed away in one of his many secret manors. He was a secret billionaire. She didn’t even know his name. She just knew that he was her enemy. This was the first good look she had at him. 

He wanted to kill her, but how would her army react to it? They surely wouldn’t agree to be under his rule. 

She knew this.

He knew that.

“16 gold.” It was a lame joke. She didn’t seem to understand what a joke was. She growled and put another knife through the poor table. 

“My army is worth much more than that.”

“I know. What price do you want?” He needed to gage what she wanted for the thing- and take about a thousand gold off of that.

“5000 gold.” she said.

He spat out his water onto her sandwich. She wrinkled her nose in disgust, but they weren't there to eat anyway. 

She stood up.

“Let’s go someplace else,” she said, nodding at the restaurant owner who was angrily staring at them with a glass in one hand pressed to his ear. He had just stood up from listening through the door, apparently. “Away from all these… curious ears. Haven’t you heard, good sir? Curiosity killed the innkeeper.” She fingered a knife.

For once, he agreed with her. He grabbed his hip flask and oatmeal, put them into his pack, and walked out the door with her. 

“This is better,” she said, as she verified that there were no security cameras in a dark alley. 

She slid a box over to him. He went to get his own box. She may have booby trapped the box beforehand. He held up the new box to make sure it didn’t have traps. 

She stabbed yet another knife to the wall. He hadn’t kept track of how many knives she had stabbed, but he was sure it was a lot.

“Not 5000 gold.” He said. “That’s simply too much. Your army is just an army. Ten times my original price sounds good to you?”

“And yet, you don’t seem to think that it’s just an army, do you? You know more than you let on.” 

“You are right.”

“Why do you want my army?” 

“It isn’t your business.” It came out quickly.

She lunged in for the kill.

“Oh, but it is my business- my army- my business.”

“Hmmm…”

“But 5000 gold- no questions asked!” she exclaimed.

“2000.”

“Stingy.”

“2500.”

“Stingy.”

“3000.” 

“Stingy.”

“Stop with your limited vocabulary.”

“I know more words than most. Particularly, daggers and other words like that.” He emitted a nervous chuckle. She emitted a hearty laugh. 

“3200.” 

“Deal.” 

And just like that, it was settled, one took the other’s army, the other took the other’s money.

And then they tried to kill each other. You see, once they had negotiated, they didn’t need the other alive anymore. So they sprang. She attacked first, getting a mace from under her box and waving it around her head. He retreated across the cobblestones, reaching in his pocket for… aha!

A water gun was what it seemed to be. But it was not a water gun. The water gun was made out of a special type of plastic that was resistant to acid. So you can guess what was inside it. 

Acid.

“Stand back!” he shouted. She advanced, swinging her wicked mace wildly around. He shot with the acid gun, and she dodged, jumping out of the way. The building behind them had a hole in the wall now, growing and growing by the second. Sweat streamed down his face as he started to run.

She was close behind, gaining on him. She was faster, even though she had a huge weapon. She took out a knife and threw it at him. He dodged, and the knife became the second one that hit the poor brick wall that day. 

They passed the restaurant and he took a random right into a building, hoping that she would keep going and he could shoot her with acid, but she followed him, throwing another knife. She hoped that he would get cornered in what appeared to be a small room. But the small room had a door. 

They sneaked quickly around the snoring administrator, her throwing knives at him and him trying to shoot her with acid.

ZZZZZZZZZ…

Thud.

Squirt.

ZZZZZZZZZ…

Thud. 

Squirt. 

ZZZZZZZZZ…

Thud.

Squirt.

ZZZZZZZZZ…

Thud. 

Squirt. 

The sounds played out like this, and if you were listening to them, you would have had no idea what was happening. Eventually the acid gun ran out of juice, and her knives were all gone. 

No problemo.

She took out her mace, and he started throwing knives at her. She kept hitting them back with her mace, and he kept jumping when the knives came back at him. He was working on opening the door, and then with a crash it finally opened. 

They surveyed their new surroundings in astonishment, and then took off. They could now see why the place was named “bouncing bonnie’s”. 

He ran in one direction. She followed. They made it to a bouncy house obstacle course. Without hesitating, he jumped through, ignoring the fact that he was way over the weight limit. She ignored that too. The bouncy house hissed under their feet as they started running. He went over a barrel and dodged a few pillars. He climbed up the wall with her right at his heels and he jumped over to the next bouncy house. He landed on the roof, then quickly sliced it off as she came careening toward him mace out.. 

He thudded down and dived down the slide, his shirt making him go so much faster. When he fell, he took off running again into the prize section for the video games. He jumped over the counter and started throwing tootsie rolls at her. She, undaunted, moved forward. When the tootsie rolls ran out, he changed it to dinosaurs. He jumped up, feeling his feet straining above him, and smashed the huge clock with this foot. He fell down as the clock smashed to the ground, nearly missing her as she dodged and skidded to a stop. His enemy swished her mace at him as he fell, but it missed and he thudded to the ground, knife in hand. He ran through another door before she could get him.

She chased after him, feeling her legs moving really hard. It was super hard to keep this up. She grabbed a toy car and threw it at his face. It was enough to slow him down, and she swung her mace as she got closer… but it missed and he kept running after the moment of shock when the toy car hit his face. 

She chased him back through the administrative office. The administrator was wide awake now. 

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??????”

“Sorry mam.” we both said at the same time. We glared at each other and advanced. 

“Hey, you!” the lady said, chasing after us. In her hand she held a baseball bat, which was apparently the most dangerous thing she could grab. She was no match for their speed though, and she and her mortal enemy ran faster and faster, and now she was in the lead. He held a sword in both hands and chased after her. Those blades were polished and sharpened every single day. She ran and ran, and entered a random building across the screen. Running faster and faster, she dashed past yet another administrator sleeping at his desk and got to the main area of the building. Without hesitating, she jumped into the “Flight Time” tube with the fan in it. He followed. The air blew them up, higher and higher. They were levitating. But this was no time to enjoy it. They frantically paddled, unused to the change of gravity. But then she figured out how to move, and she paddled after him with her mace at the ready. He let go of one of his swords and it floated up, almost hitting her. She swam through the air toward him.

He finally figured out how to move right before she got to him. It was hard, he thought, but he paddled away, sword in his right hand, for he was right handed. She held her mace in two hands when she attacked, so she was slower that way. He turned around and made a stand for it. They sliced and stabbed and bludgeoned and parried. But no use. Neither got a hold on the fight and though it seemed like hours, it was only a couple minutes before something finally happened. In a move that would certainly kill on real land, she lost a grip of her mace and it flew up. Then she made a break for the door, for she was much better off on the ground- but so was he. 

He followed after her. 

She floated away from him. And it was like that where they finally reached the outer end of the tube and got out. They ran again past the administrator, who promptly woke up and chased after them with yet another baseball bat. But this time it was a mini high quality bat, not a broken, normal sized bat. But it would still hurt.

Finally, she ran into a place called “Waterland”. She had never been there before, so she had no idea what was inside.

But she guessed it was something involving water. And oh, was she right.

They came out into an…

Administrative office.

They snuck past yet another sleeping administrator. And then she ran. Right into the water. She surveyed the place. It was full of rides and waterslides. She got out of the water and made a break for the nearest set of stairs.

He followed after her, sword in both hands, pumping his legs as fast as he could. He was astonished at how big and wet this place was. 

He saw where she was going and almost stopped. It was the biggest waterslide. It reached into the sky. He was afraid of heights.

But that wasn’t going to stop him now. He followed after her, up the stairs. They rattled and rattled as the two enemies practically flew up the stairs, faster and faster. He tripped on one, but it made up when she tripped on another one. At once he got a hold of her shirt, but she ripped that part out with a knife that she just got from him and ran faster. They finally reached the top. He grabbed a tube and tried to whack her with it, but she dodged and accidentally slipped. She fell backwards onto the waterslide that was supposed to have tubes go down it. 

“AAAHHH!!!” she screamed as she fell. He followed after her, getting his tube and sliding down with her to what seemed to be their watery grave. Almost instantly, blackness enveloped them as the slide closed up and became a tunnel. 

They were both screaming now, and it echoed off the tunnel.

He had an idea as he chased after her. He took out a wind/fire gun and aimed it backwards. The fire propelled the tube like a jetpack, and it rose up in the air before banging on the top of the tube. He realized he would need to steer, so he did. He pointed it to the left behind his back, and the donut soared to the right as the tunnel curved around them. The tunnel started melting behind as the gun propelled him faster and faster towards his mortal enemy. They were still high enough to die if they fell from here onto the ground, so he prayed that it wouldn’t melt where he was… but the fire caught up and up and finally the tube soared up in flames. He jumped for it and scrambled down the tunnel, optimizing his speed. She realized what was happening and caught on. She scrambled too, optimizing her speed. They were so close they could almost touch. His sword was lost in the excitement of it all and he stopped scrabbling as he realized it was flying down behind him. 

He screamed as the sword narrowly missed him. She screamed as the sword narrowly missed her. 

They whizzed down the waterslide as it melted behind them. They hit the water. The fire hit the water a second behind. It created a cloud of smoke and they couldn’t see as they struggled to stay above the water, paddling frantically.

He turned his fire gun off because it was creating too much steam. He then made a break for it, swimming to the edge of the pool. She followed close behind. He then started running around the pool. When it got a little shallower, he jumped in and swam for the door. He swam as water got dumped on them by the huge buckets that filled and dumped gallons of water down onto their heads.

Who liked those things anyway? 

He swam on and on, her always a foot behind him, chasing relentlessly.

They made it to the door and opened it… and a nightmare unfolded before their eyes. Another administrator- the one who had been snoring, stood there, baseball bat in hand. 

“Get out of my place.”

They didn’t hesitate. They ran. He jumped over the desk, and she speedily ran around it. They made it to the door. They ran. The terrible administrator with the Louisville Slugger followed. 

They both made it out onto the street, and another nightmare unfolded in front of their eyes. Each administrator emerged from his/her respective building, and growled, teeth bared. Baseball bats in hand, they advanced.

“Don’t. Move. A. Muscle.” they all said in unison. 

He screamed. She screamed.

This was how it was going to end. Two evil tyrants being pummeled to death by angry administrators with various baseball bats.

That is exactly what happened.

The end. 

Yay.