The Forbidden Weapons

Humans are funny creatures. They cannot seem to decide upon their role. Are they predators? Are they prey? Do they serve us, or oppose us? Entertain, or annoy? Worship, or fear?

The ones in front of me are attempting to be all of them at once, it seems.

I utter a low growl of annoyance, causing the gathered humans to shriek and cower.

Humans cower very loudly, which is strange. Cowering, if it must be done at all, should be done silently. Instead, they moan, and whimper, and flail their limbs about. It would be hard not to find them “hiding” thusly.

Still, it is somewhat gratifying to witness their fear in the face of my displeasure.

Normally, I wouldn’t have cause to voice any displeasure. On most days, the humans enter the temple that I abide in, chanting some nonsense phrases like “Ograyt Katgawd, mayor clawsbe eversh arp.”, or “Maitee Felayn, grantus bleagh singzis syeersarvest”, or “Pleezdon teetus”. That last one amuses me, for some reason.

They come, leave offerings of food, dance around for a bit, and depart. Confusing, but simple.

Why do the humans bring me offerings of food? I used to know, I think. I assume that they worship me, as they should, but I feel that there is a deeper meaning behind their actions. But for the most part I just accept their strange behavior and try to make the most of it.

Sometimes they bring live prey, which I enjoy.

Sometimes they bring prey that has fallen still. I like this less, but I still accept it.

Today, they brought confusing prey. Human prey.

The female human before me is the only quiet one among them. The other humans have put something on her, a metal collar with vines…no, chains, holding her between them. She looks at me with dark, intelligent eyes. Intelligent, because she is afraid, but she remains silent, unmoving. Not like these other foolish ones.

One of these foolish humans, wearing bird feathers on his head to mark him as the head of the fools, steps forward, though not forward enough so that he is closer to me than the girl. For once, I try to pay attention to the words he’s speaking.

“Great Kato, Eldar Feline, Divine Beast.” He intones dramatically. The bound human mouths the word ‘Kato’ and then looks like she is trying not to smile. “Long have you watched benevolently over your domain, graciously extending the right to inhabit your land to our people…”

I can barely understand human words. I used to be better at it, I think. I huff in annoyance. The man drones on and on, and I consider eating him instead of the bound girl. But if I eat one of them, they may stop bringing food, and I like them bringing food, so I retrain myself.

From what I can gather, this female human is an outsider, and they are offering her to me as punishment for some crime she committed. It means little to me. It is regrettable that I can’t eat one of the foolish humans instead of her, since I like how quiet she is, but in the end, she is still prey, I suppose.

The humans attach her chains to posts at either end of the stone platform we’re standing on. Then they retreat down the steps and exit the temple, swinging the stone door shut behind them.

I stalk around the kneeling human, feeling her out. I hope she moves at least a little.

The female makes a noise then, the first I heard from her. A strange chirping, like a bird: “Nayskiti, pritikiti.”

Her chirping is reminding me of birds. Now I want birds to eat. I growl and continue stalking her.

Breathing heavily, the human prey starts frantically scratching at her strange wrappings, before pulling out a smooth black stone and holding it out towards me. A weapon? I hesitate. Some humans are dangerous with a thrown stone, I recall, but this one looks unskilled. I continue advancing.

She squeezes the stone in her hand. The end turns red.

I begin to crouch down, ready to leap upon her.

Hm? A flicker of movement to my left. I catch a glimpse of a glowing red bug of some kind, scurrying along the ground. I ignore it, intent on my target.

The bug crawls closer to me, almost touching my front paws. I glance at it, distracted, then swat it away.

With a jittering motion it dances away, then scurries back towards me, closer this time.

I stop, intrigued. A bold little thing! It dances about in a small circle, seemingly unsure where to go. It moves a couple inches closer…

I pounce!

The critter scurries away, dodging my blow.

What? I narrow my eyes at the glowing thing. It continues crawling in an erratic pattern. It moves back towards me…

I pounce!

It dances away, seemingly unharmed.

Impossible! I crouch down low now, intent on my target. I hear a clicking noise behind me, but I ignore it, focused on my task. The bug hesitates, then scurries past my nose.

I pounce!

Then again, I pounce! When it is unable to dodge my second attack!

I find it running in a circle around my outstretched paws, as if taunting me.

I growl, half in annoyance, half in anticipation. This is agile prey! We are soon engaged in an epic hunt. Again and again I leap, swift and agile, and each time the creature narrowly escapes. It is swifter perhaps even than me, and somehow can slip out of my grasp no matter how tightly I land upon it.

Eventually it falls still, seeming exhausted by our skirmish. I crouch down, ready to strike.

“Hello? Yes, I’m in. Yeah, it’s working, thank God.”

My ears perk up. A voice? Human, female. I glance back towards the bound human, only to find the restraints abandoned. I whip around and spot her climbing one of the nearby statues.

I growl and start to stalk towards her. She yelps, wildly waving that red stone in my direction.

Suddenly the glowing bug is back! I pounce again! And we renew our chase.

However, as we continue our dance, I feel a sense of…discomfort. The creature is behaving erratically. At moments it moves faster than the eye can see, but at others it moves in pointless circles. It doesn’t seem quite…right.

As I continue my attempt to capture the little thing, I hear the human speaking from different positions as she moves about the upper level of the temple.

“No, no, they were perfectly civilized. Well, except for the human sacrifice part, I guess.”

“No, he seems like a normal jaguar. I sure hope it stays that way.”

“What does the switch look like again?”

The bug fell still once more. I leap upon it more quickly this time. Somehow, it ended up on top of my paws! WHAT?!?! I scramble back, and the bug falls to the ground again.

I stare at it. It doesn’t move.

I swat at it. It…moves, on top of my paw again, but I don’t feel anything.

Wait…

The creature is fake!

I whirl around, searching for the human. The one who tricked me! She’s standing precariously atop a statue that depicts me, holding an overgrown vine for balance, and fiddling with something on the wall.

With a growl I charge towards her. She yelps, almost losing her balance, and swings the glowing rock at me again, but now that I’ve discovered her trick, I willfully ignore the glowing bug, even though it's so enticing!

I reach the base of the statue and leap. I almost reach her, but it’s a bit too high. So I start clawing my way up.

“Oh, shit!” She yells, grabbing the vines and pulling herself up.

I am stronger and faster than humans, but a healthy human can be very agile, and better at climbing. It will be difficult to catch her, now that she has the high ground. A real challenge, this time!

By the time I’ve pulled myself to the top of the statue, she is running along a walkway on the upper level. It is a distance nearly twice my body length.

I leap.

I catch the edge, right next to her. She screams and stumbles back.

Feeling the anticipation of the catch close at hand, I begin to pull myself up.

A spray of cold water hits my face.

I yowl, disoriented, and lose my grip. I land on my feet, of course, but now I’m enraged. I glare up at the petulant human, who is staring after me with a terrified expression. In her hands is a small container, with water inside.

A most insidious weapon!

She begins to run again, but the hunt is far from over. I know this temple well, and quickly turn around to find the stairs that lead upwards.

Why didn’t this human just take the stairs? Maybe she is also as silly as the rest of them.

Once I reach the top, I begin stalking. The upper level of the temple is a maze of corridors. It is easy for pretty to get lost in them. However, it is also hard tricky to hunt, since the echos make locating prey difficult. I hear the human speaking, but cannot pinpoint her position.

“God, my heart stopped! That thing is going to kill me!”

“No, I have to find it, I’m not turning back now.”

“…I doubt it’ll work a second time. I only have one backup plan left…”

The noises are a distraction. I hunt by smell, and soon enough I have her. I start to trot through the corridors. I can hear her frantic breathing, and I catch glimpses of her at the end of a corridor once or twice.

Eventually, I find her. Cornered.

She’s doing something to the wall again. What it is I cannot tell. It matters not. I growl triumphantly and start to advance towards her. She utters a quiet squeak of fear, but does not turn around.

I’m close now. Almost close enough to finish this hunt. I can almost taste it.

I can taste…

What is this smell?

I look down. A small package sits on the ground a short distance from the cornered human. It has a powerful smell. Intrigued, I lean in to get a better sniff.

Then my vision starts to swim.

What…what is this? It’s so good. I take another deep breath, then rub my head against the pouch, spilling its contents out. Several green leaves tumble onto the stones, which I dive into excitedly, scattering them about.

“It’s working.” A voice whispers. I glance up lazily to spot a human crouching not too far away, slowly exiting through a hole in the floor.

A human! I love humans! I roll back onto my feet and bound eagerly towards her, which causes her to yelp and duck down into the hole. I don’t quite have my coordination, for some reason, and slam into the wall where she was a second ago. It hurts for a moment, but I get over it and start rolling around.

This is great! I wonder if the human has more of this stuff. I peek my head down the hole, then drop down. It’s dark in here, but again, finding a human by smell is easy. Or it should be. I keep losing my balance and bumping into the walls.

By the time I locate the human, the leaves have worn off. Now that I recognize the effect they just had on me my mood is…confused. This strange human is full of surprises, and not all of them entirely bad. I wonder…

I find her in another tunnel, with a very narrow window at the end. She’s clutching a bag that she didn’t have before. Something she found in the temple? I advance on her warily, but before I can reach her, she squeezes through the window. When I reach it, I find that I couldn’t possibly fit through it. I watch solemnly as she climbed down the outside of the temple, clutching her prize at her side. When she reaches the ground, she looks back up at me.

We hold each other’s gaze for a moment. A note of respect passed between us. Then I turn around and start navigating my way back into the central chamber. It was a good hunt, and very intriguing prey. Perhaps there will be another opportunity to encounter her.

For now, I’m hungry.

Outside the dilapidated ruins, Andrea collapsed, taking deep, heaving breaths.

“Andrea? Andrea!” Dave’s voice shouted urgently in her ear.

She tapped her smartwatch. “I’m here.”

“Are you okay? What’s happening?”

“I…I made it.”

“You made it out?”

“Yeah.”

She heard Dave give a relieved gasp, and she smiled herself in overwhelming relief.

“That was too close! I told you it was a terrible idea.” He chided.

“Hey it worked, didn’t it?” She asked.

“Yes. And your hairbrained plans will continue to work. Until they don’t. And then you’ll be dead. So, you will have learned nothing.”

Andrea shrugged, before realizing he couldn’t see her. “Guess so.”

“And you got…” He trailed off.

“Yeah, yeah, I got the McGuffin.” She chuckled, clutching the sack for comfort.

“Great. Get out of there, then, before that cat finds a way out.”

“Oh, I’m fine, they sealed this place up good when they left me there. I’ve got plenty of time to—”

The jaguar meandered out of the back of the temple through an oversized cat door, ten feet away from Andrea.

Her eyes bugged. The cat, for his part, looked equally shocked, then tilted his head quizzically, like “You’re still here?”

Adrea stood absolutely still, petrified with fear.

“Andrea? You still there?”

The beast slowly stalked towards her. Run, Run! Andrea’s mind screamed at her, but her body, still exhausted and running low on adrenaline, refused to budge.

The cat was right in front of her, growling in a low tone. She could practically reach out and pet it.

So she did.

She reached out, placed her hand on the cat's enormous forehead, and started scratching gently.

The cat’s growl immediately cut off, followed by an almost human sounding “Hm?”

“Andrea, tell me what’s happening.” Dave demanded in her ear.

“I don’t know what’s happening.” She whispered, giddy with terror. She continued the motion evenly, not daring to make another move.

The jaguar stared at her for a long moment. It huffed once, then twice. Finally, it sat down on its hind legs, blinking sleepily.

“I think the catnip is still affecting it slightly.” She muttered absently.

“The cat’s back?!” Dave shouted. “Andrea, get out of there!”

“I…can’t”

“Whatdomeanyoucan’t?”

Abruptly, the jaguar moved forward. Andrea gasped and stumbled back. The big cat started headbutting her abdomen. With a jolt, Andrea realized that she must still have the scent of the catnip faintly on her person. It was probably the only thing keeping her alive right now.

In her surprise, she stopped scratching its head. Then it looked up at her and uttered a quick growl. With a yelp she went back to petting it.

Was this enormous cat purring?

“Dave? You better get over here. I’m stuck.”

“Does it have you pinned?”

“…Yes.”

A pause, in which the cat’s purring increased in volume.

“I’m…I’m petting him, Dave.”

Another long pause.

“You…you’re…”

“Yeah.”

“So that means…”

 “…Yeah, if I stop, I’m gonna get mauled.”

Another pause.

“Okay…Stay on the line, I’m coming.”

Adrea let out a terrified laugh. “…How’re we gonna get out of this one, Dave?”

“…We’ll think of something.”

“Super reassuring. Don’t take your time.”

They sat there for a moment. The jaguar eventually rolled over, looking up at Andrea expectantly. She knelt down carefully and continued scratching.

“Well,” she said, gingerly scratching under the beast's chin. “Can’t say I believe there’s a cat god in this temple, or anything, but someone sure is watching over me today. Even if they do have a wild sense of humor.”

The cat purred in agreement.