THE USE OF A PICKER TO PICK CAN TURN TO RUIN

For employers, there are times when they do not go off the quality of someone’s work history. Instead, they go off their compassion and decide to give them a chance to prove to the employer they made the right choice. For this story, they made an extremely poor choice. But he had little choice since most of the people he interviewed had criminal records. Most of them were past thieves and liked to enter homes or businesses to destroy everything in their paths.

          “What is this world coming to?” thought Harold as he took in a deep breath and slowly let it out as he looked at the two men sitting on the other side of the desk. “The two of you are hired,” he said with reluctance.

          Stewie jumped up with a loud whoop and started doing a dance the manager had never seen before and prayed he would never see such a dance ever again.

          Nubert just sat in his chair with his eyes and mouth wide open, not saying a word.

          “Did I make a mistake?” Harold thought.

          Finally, Harold had to whistle for Stewie to stop dancing, and Nubert to blink repeatedly before his mouth closed, replaced by a wide grin.

          “Wow!” cried out Stewie in amazement as he sat back down. “The last time I heard someone whistle like that was the good old days when my daddy took me out for duck hunting. He always whistled at me after I retrieved the duck, so I knew it was time to return to him. The only thing difficult was holding the duck in my mouth since the feathers tickle my nose,” he said with a giggle.

          Harold looked at Stewie with a befuddled look, wondering how he could still be alive.

          “Pay him no mind,” said Nubert. “He talks about his daddy all the time, ever since his daddy was taken up by the aliens. The same thing happened to my momma, but I do not talk about it.”

          Harold leaned back in his chair, wondering if maybe he should have hired one thief or even the short story judge who thought he was the next King of the Elves.

          “You will start tonight,” Harold said. “And to let you know, we just got the privilege of being able to display the most valuable item we have received in a very long time.”

          “Oh, my!” Stewie cried out as he put his elbows on the desk and rested his chin on his hands as he looked at Harold with intensity. “Please tell. This is so exciting to know we will be guarding a precious object.”

          “Sorry,” said Nubert. “You need to pardon my friend once again. The last time we were security guards was when we had to walk the perimeter of a sewer plant.”

          “Sewer plant? I did not see that on your resume?” Harold asked.

          “It did not last long. We would put little sails on the logs, if you know what I mean, and have races,” Stewie said with a wink. “We were caught after only a week and fired, so figured not to put it on our five-page resume,” he said with a giggle.

          “We were trying to make the job more exciting,” said Nubert.

          Harold closed his eyes, wondering what the hell he had just done by hiring these fools. They had a better chance of working for the government. But he had no choice now since he needed guards tonight and these two were it. Tomorrow he would interview others. Bringing in the grandma about to turn ninety now sounded like an excellent choice.

          “What is the most valuable item? Tell me, tell me, tell me?” said Stewie.

          “We have King Tonkalimickonan’s picker,” Harold replied.

          Stewie continued to stare with anticipation as Nubert looked on in confusion.

          “What kind of picker?” asked Nubert. “Like something he used to pick berries or used to pick on people? Or maybe he used it to pick someone to play a game?”

          “No, no, no,” replied Harold, waving his hands. “Nothing like that. The King had a small, wooden picker he used to pick his toenails and fingernails and told that he used it on his nose.”

          “I use my fingers for that,” said Stewie with a giggle.

          “How do you know it’s the King’s?” asked Nubert.

          “It was buried with him holding the picker in his hand, so it was his most precious item.”

          “That is so cool!” Stewie cried out. “I need one of those!”

          “The valuable item is inside an unbreakable case, and once the museum closes, it is lowered to our bottom floor. One of you will always stay on the top floor. The other will check the bottom floor on the top of every hour. Understood?”

          “Sounds easy to me,” replied Nubert.

          “Stewie reporting for duty.”

          “It is only two o’clock, so you still have a few hours before you report for duty.”

          “I can’t wait,” said Stewie, as he clapped his hands repeatedly.

          “Please keep a watch on your friend too,” Harold said to Nubert.

          “I will do my best,” said Nubert.

          “Me too,” said Stewie, jumping out of his chair. “I am excited about this new job. Especially, guarding this nose-picker item from the ancient world. Wish I could have met Tinkertonkertactoe. Sounds like a great king.”

          Harold said no more as he felt a raging headache coming on. Thoughts of becoming a manager at a fast-food restaurant came to mind.

          Stewie and Nubert left after they were given uniforms, and Nubert was given the keys.

          “I hope I did not make a mistake,” said Harold as he watched the two walk off, hand in hand.

          The two went back to their apartment where Nubert tried to get some rest, but Stewie was hyped up, so there was little sleep.

          Soon it was time for work as Nubert held a large jug of coffee as he walked, and Stewie skipped to the museum. Once they entered, Stewie immediately ran around the place with his arms outstretched like he was Superman.

          “They probably have cameras everywhere!” Nubert called out. “Behave yourself so we don’t get fired!”

          “There is so much space to fly around. I love it!” cried Stewie.

          “Whatever,” said Nubert, as he went over to the desk and sat down. He thought it was bizarre that he was becoming more tired than alert as he continued to drink his coffee.

          Time went by and Stewie stopped running around as Nubert started seeing birds of all colors flying around the museum.

          “Nice little birdies,” he said as he reached out to them. “Come to me. I will take diligent care of you.”

          Moments later, his head dropped onto the desk. Before he fell unconscious, he could hear giggles.

          When he opened his eyes, he immediately sat up, looking around, wondering what had just happened. He looked at his watch and saw their shift was close to being finished.

          “What just happened? I was not that tired.”

          “Hello, my friend. Tired boy you were.”

          Nubert looked to his right and saw that Stewie sat inside a wagon from the 19th century, smiling at him mischievously.

          “Get out of the wagon!” he cried out. “You are going to break it!”

          “Am not, but I did break something,” Stewie said as he hopped out of the wagon.

          “What did you do?”

          “The Super Big Gulp I had earlier made me have to pee. I could not find the restroom on this floor, so I went downstairs and found the restroom. As I was taking care of business, I realized I had some food stuck in my mouth. I used my hand to try to pick it out, but no luck. Plus, I peed on my uniform, so I waited until I was done. Once I finished I went back to picking but had no luck, and it was becoming quite uncomfortable so wondered what to do. I wandered around until I found the solution.”

          “I don’t like the sound of your solution,” said Nubert as he stood up.

          “I figured if a king used the picker, then it has to be quite the picker and will surely take care of my problem.”

          “Oh no, you didn’t,” said Nubert.

          “I sure did. The alarm was not on when it was downstairs, so I could open it up and make use of the picker. But I found out the picker has become quite brittle since it is incredibly old. At the same time I picked the food out of my mouth, the picker broke. Such a shame.”

          Nubert did not know what to say as he hung his head. They were in big trouble.

          “No worries, my good friend,” said Stewie with a grin. “I took care of the problem, so we won’t get in trouble.”

          “Did you glue it together or use tape?” asked Nubert.

          “No, no,” said Stewie, looking at Nubert as if he was an idiot. “The picker was no longer good, so I flushed it down the toilet. I used a new picker that is much stronger and put it back in the case.”

          Nubert almost fell over, but he put his hands on the desk and looked at Stewie with murder in his eyes.

          “If I didn’t fall asleep, this wouldn’t have happened,” he said.

          “Sorry about that. I did not think I put that much into your coffee,” said Stewie with a giggle. “I was playing a prank on you.”

          Nubert just stared at Stewie, wondering if his friend could be even dumber than he thought. On the first day of the job, he played a prank on him and destroyed the most priced item in the museum.

          “Show me what you used for the picker?” asked Nubert.

          They went over to the stairs and went down a couple of flights until they entered a good-sized room. Nubert could see the case and saw something lying on the cushion. As he neared the case, he could see the item was a pencil with a sharp point.

          “This isn’t going to work,” he told Stewie. “It looks nothing like the King’s picker.”

          “Close enough,” said Stewie with a pout.

          “No, no,” said Nubert as he went over to the case, opened it, and took out the pencil. “We need to work on it. Luckily, being the one with the brains, I know what to do.”

          The shift ended and Nubert finished just in time to put the new picker in the case, and they hurried back upstairs. Just in time since Harold was just entering the front doors.

          “Well,” said Harold. “How did it go?”

          He was not sure what to make of the wide grins the two had on their faces. Almost as if they were guilty.

          “Nubert stayed upstairs while I patrolled the downstairs,” said Stewie.

          “Were you down there the entire time?” asked Harold.

          “Not the entire time.”

          “I see. Well, the first thing I like to do is to bring our prized item back up to the top floor so all the guests can see what we have and be greatly impressed with our museum,” said Harold as he went over to the wall, punched in the code, and a small section of the floor opened and up came the picker in the case.

          Nubert and Stewie looked at each other, hoping Harold would be impressed.

          As soon as the case was fully up, the floor covering closed. Harold looked inside the case and his eyes practically popped out of his sockets. He turned to Stewie and Nubert in shock, then back to the case.

          “What the hell is this?!” he cried out.

          “It is a newer version of the picker,” replied Nubert. “I figure the guests will be greatly impressed compared to the ancient picker that Stewie broke.”

          Harold looked at them, speechless, and then he collapsed to the floor.

          “He is more impressed than I thought,” said Stewie, as he clapped his hands. “You did a fantastic job, Nubert.”

          The two went over and Nubert looked at his excellent job of shaving off the yellow paint and cutting off the eraser. Now it was just wood with a very sharp, lead point.

          “I figured I did.”

          “Should we wake him up?” asked Stewie.

          “Let him rest and have a wonderful dream of the improved picker,” said Nubert. “You did a very dumb thing Stewie, but thankfully with me being here I fixed it, and now it is so much better. I will have to say our first night was a complete success, even though I was sleeping during most of it because of you.”

          The two left the museum and headed home with smiles on their faces.

          “I wonder what else we can improve at the museum?” asked Stewie.

          “There is a lot we can do. The world will be impressed, and we will be all over the news when they see what we can do to improve the museum,” replied Nubert. “You just watch. We have good days ahead of us.”

          Both started skipping and singing a tune. If they had remained quiet, they would have probably heard a screaming voice off in the distance.