Wizardry

Do you know that moment when, after years of hard work, of putting up with all sorts of corporate bullshit, office politics, annoying coworkers, emails that turn into calls that turn into conferences that turn into trainings that should’ve and could’ve been solved by emails, you finally, finally hear those magic words: Congratulations, you have been awarded the … Take a minute, remember it, savor it!

No?! Doesn’t ring a bell? Well, don’t give up! Your day will come.

Or, maybe you’re one of those people that have always been rewarded accordingly! Then, my friend, I envy you! And here’s to hoping you’re not just another suck up.

Anyway! Enough about you, let’s talk about me! I’m Jared! And I am awesome, and because I am awesome I’ve been rewarded by my company with a small vacation, on a yacht, in the ocean. It’s gonna be great!

What did I do to deserve this? I’ve been to hell and back for them. I work for Samson&Meyer. Yes, that Samson&Meyer! The Samson&Meyer on whose product you’re reading this piece of art right now. The biggest tech giant in the history of tech giants.

What do I do for them? I’m a problem solver, a sort of jack of all trades! Specifically? I work with their IT infrastructure to make to make sure that their processes are streamlined, waste free and purring like a well fed kitty.

How do I do that? Well, that’s my gift! More of a knack than a gift, honestly. Because there’s nothing I can’t improve, transform or just outright fix. Am I a wizard?! Yes, yes I am.

But, then again, if I’m so good? Why did they take so long to properly appreciate me? Right?! Well, as I said: politics. It’s all about politics, everybody’s somebody’s pet in a corporation. From laughing buddies to smoking buddies to drinking buddies to … well, it all boils down to intimate knowledge sharing outside of office hours. Everybody’s somebody’s something buddy. And me?! I was just the guy that fixed stuff. Not anymore!

Boom, 2020, all aboard the pandemic express. No more buddy-buddy, kissy-kissy, no, no, 2020 was only about worky-worky, and basically my time to shine. And shine I did!

No more: “Hey, Jared! Can you tell me where should I click to find out this obvious piece of information?”. Only projects, improvement and rewards.

And as I was saying, after a fifteen hour flight, here I am. It’s the 1st of April 2021 and I’ve arrived in Paradise! No, no! Scratch that, Paradise on a yacht. Hell yeah!

“Hello, everybody and welcome aboard the Freedom, my name is Alex Byron, Senior Vice President of Human Resources at Samson&Meyer and I will be your captain for this trip.”

Everybody knew the guy, he’s one of those silver spoon fed individuals. You know the type? Those lean, chiseled, blond individuals, always walking about with that certainty that he’ll get what he wants? You know the type! He’s nice, right?

“And my name is Victoria Reiner, Site Manager for our Eastern European office, most of you should know me already, and I guess I’m the First Mate?!”

So, let me tell you a bit about her. Victoria is thirty something years old, but looks like she’ll always be twenty five, tall, well rounded, elegant, killer smile, we all knew her. It was hard not to. There were a lot of “hards” when it came to her.

“I guess you are, Victoria!” Alex answered, at which point they both started laughing. Now I’m curious what kind of buddy-buddies they were. “As I was saying, welcome aboard the Freedom, a Sunreef 60 Power catamaran and our home for the next five days. Catamaran means that it has two hulls, it’s sixty feet in length, approximately nineteen meters. It has a fully equipped kitchen, wet bar and a jacuzzi.” hearing this some of the jaws around me dropped and I swear I heard a giggle. “What else? It has a 800 horse power dual engine, 5 dual cabins, barbeque…”

“I’m sure everybody stopped listening after the jacuzzi part, Alex. I know I did.” interrupted Victoria seductively. Pretty sure what type of buddies they’ll end up being by the end of the trip. “Did everyone get a chance to introduce themselves?” and a nervous shuffling of feet ensued. “No?! Let’s do a round table introduction then, let’s start with you.” Pointing at the guy to my left.

“Hi, everyone! My name is Daniel, I work in engineering support. I’ve been with Samson&Meyer for six years now and I’m really glad to share this experience with you.” I swear he puffed up a bit by the end there. He looked to be thirty as well, pasty looking, the kind of momma’s boy that still lives with his parents. “That’s it about me, i guess.” Big wonder there.

“Thank you, Daniel!” said Victoria and turned to the girl next to him.

“Hi, my name is Andreea! I’m twenty-eight years old and I’ve been with Samson&Meyer since April 3rd 2012. I’m a Process Engineer for the Sales Organization and I’m really glad to be here.” and she giggled. This one seemed nice, a little on the nervous side. Always smiling, but not the I’m happy kind of smile, more like I’m not a threat, leave me alone kind. Not to tall, not to short, easy on the eyes too. Moving on.

“Hi, I’m Alex! I work as a Support Engineer.” I actually knew this guy, worked with him on a couple of issues. He was grisly looking, half gut, half hair. The sort of man you wouldn’t want to get marooned on an island with, if you catch my drift.

“Hi, I’m Vlad! I’m a Process Engineer for Supply Chain, I’ve been with S&M for twelve years now, loved every one of them and I really hope I’ll get twelve more.” and breathe. That’s it, long steady breaths. I won’t even bother with this one.

“Hi, I’m Laura! I’m also a Process Engineer for Supply Chain, like Vlad. I’ve been with S&M for eight years and I’m really glad to be here with all of you.” Those guys in Supply Chain must really have a pattern. She was bulky and she wore her hair short cropped. Behind the big glasses you could see that the exertion of that introduction had made her flush.

Do you know that feeling you get, as if everyone is staring at you? Well, they are! “Hi! Sorry, I’m Jared! IT Project Management and I’ve been with Samson&Meyer for four years now. Nice to meet you all!”

“Great! Nice to meet you all! Let the party begin!” said the Captain.

And it did. The next few days were some of the most relaxing in my life. First up we had to figure out the sleeping situation. We were eight people with five cabins. The Captain and Victoria each took a room and the rest of us paired up in twos: I bunked with Alex, Vlad with Daniel and Andreea with Laura.

Now it’s our third day on the boat, and meanwhile it’s been quite fun. We fished, we drank, we cooked, we swam. How did I put it before? Paradise!

We’re finishing up with breakfast when the Captain summons Victoria to the upper deck, out of the blue. When she comes back she seems rather concerned, a few minutes later the Captain joins us in the lounge as well. He’s got a grave expression and he’s oozing tension in the room.

“Guys, we have an issue.”

And boom, we all go off as if a switch was flipped.

“What happened?”

“How?”

“Why?”

“I believe one of the electrical boards got fried last night because the engine won’t start,” the Captain continues.

“How did this happen?” Alex is quite shook up. I never thought I’d glimpse his human part like this. Hah!

“I’m not really sure,” the Captain answers. “But that’s only half the issue. The boat’s VFH radio is also powered by the boat’s electrical system. We don’t have any way to call for help, right now.”

Do not pass Go! Do not collect 200 dollars!

“Oh my god, what are we going to do?” Andreea said standing up suddenly kneading her hands.

“Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let’s all calm down” Daniel was insisting.

“What do you mean by that, Alex? What’s the protocol in a situation like this?” Laura said transfixed.

“Guys, guys, let’s all just take a deep breath. Alex is a seasoned navigator, he’s had training for this type of situations, he’ll get us out of this. Right, Alex?” Victoria stated calmly taking the room in a firm grip. Her experience in dealing with stressed out people shined through and helped everyone regain their composure.

“That’s right. To be honest, there’s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of food and water, and the stretch of sea where we are is frequently travelled. So let’s try to enjoy the rest of our vacation because I’m sure we’ll get help soon.” the Captain continued reassuringly. “I’m going to go down to the engine room to see if I can figure out what exactly happened. Victoria, can you please come with me? I need some help down there.”

“Sure, Alex! Will you guys be all right?” Victoria asked us.

“I guess so?!” a chorus of voices answered back.

“In case you see a boat buzz me on the intercom. I’ll come topside and send out a flare.” Alex said before going bellow followed closely by Victoria.

Yeah, this looks like fun. We look at each other dumbstruck and then disperse. Daniel and Vlad head out to the aft deck to play some cards, Andreea and Laura decide on the jacuzzi and Alex picks up a book. I start cleaning up the table. Everything is right in the world once more. Or is it?

“Hey, dude!” I call to Alex.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you find this a bit odd?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, we’re chilling in the sun and all of a sudden we get a power failure that takes out both the engine and the radio?”

“Ok?! Your point being?”

“I’m just saying.”

“I think you’re a bit paranoid, Jared. We’re in the middle of the ocean, do you think a dolphin cut our battery lines or what?”

“Just forget I said anything.”

Remember what I said about him? Is a boat like an island?

The rest of the day goes by uneventful, we continue our daily program of loitering about. Some swim, others fish or read while our Captain with the help of his First Mate while away the hours in the engine room.

As for me, the more I think about our predicament, the more I get nagged at by this odd feeling. I spend my day on the upper deck, where the ship controls are.

Despite everything that’s going on I can’t help but love the present, I close my eyes and imagine I’m the only one on that boat. It’s not so hard, I’ve been alone most of my life and with the pandemic I even started enjoying it. The present feels wonderful.

I snap out of it and start nosing about through the cupboards and drawers until I find what I need to soothe the itch: the operating manual.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Andreea startles me.

“Uh, hi! I was looking through the operating manual!”

“You know you’re on vacation, right?”

“Not much of a vacation if you’d ask me. At the end of the day we’re still stranded in the middle of the ocean.”

“Yes, but you’re not looking at the full half of the glass.”

“And what might that be?”

“We’re stranded in the middle of the ocean on a luxury yacht.” beaming back at me.

I laugh nervously, she has a pleasant way about her but she’s not really my type.

“Hey, do you know anything about our Captain?” I ask.

“Not really, I heard he’s a real stickler for protocol, but aside from that, he’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought as well. Check this out for me: ‘In the event of an electrical system failure or battery power loss, resulting in a power failure of the VFH radio, the ship is equipped with a hand-held device for emergency situations.’ Don’t you find it a bit odd that someone as stuck up about being right and proper, as those two, would forget to mention a back-up radio?”

“What are you hinting at?”

“Nothing exactly. It just seems off.”

“Now that you mention it, they do seem to be more relaxed now than before.”

“That was my impression as well. What do you think we should do?”

“Hmmm. Not really sure. Are you saying that we should tell the others?”

“No! let’s forget about this until dinner. Act like nothing happened.”

“Ok! Wanna join us for a swim?”

“Sure!”

Daniel and Vlad, who apparently hit it off quite well, catch a big fish which we prepare for dinner. Luckily the kitchen apparatus and the lighting fixtures were on a separate battery just for situations like this one. Laura got into a shouting match with Alex over something trivial, and they spend the rest of the day sulking in their corners.

Everyone was trying their best to stay calm, but the silence around the dinner table said otherwise.

“Captain!” I asked looking intently at my plate.

“Yes, Jared!” he answers back.

“Have you ever been in a situation such as this before?”

“No, not really! Why do you ask? I told you there’s nothing to worry about guys,” he’s so relaxed, " someone will find us soon enough or we’ll locate the issue and fix it.”

“You seem pretty confident you can fix it,” Andreea catches up on where i’m headed. “Do you have any technical training?”

“No, but I don’t need one, the boat operating manual is quite thorough in regards to electrical and mechanical troubleshooting. I’m confident the issue isn’t as difficult as that.” He’s practically beaming at the end of his speech. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s a Senior VP, he trades in all sort of bullshit.

“About that,” I follow up “I took a look at the manual and saw there mention of a hand-held backup radio? Am I right?” and queue the silence once more.

“I told you, the radio is linked to the boat’s main electrical system. It can’t be used.” he answers. The muscles in his jaw start to twitch a bit.

“Yes, the fixed one. I’m talking about the hand-held one. Comes with the boat’s standard equipment from what I’ve read. You’re saying you don’t know about it?” probing further.

“No, no! I’m not saying that.”

“Then what are you saying?” Alex asks briskly in his gruff voice.

Victoria touches the Captain lightly on his hand, catching his attention.

“What’s going on here?” Laura interjects.

“Hey guys, let’s calm down for a moment.” Daniel speaks up as well, panic bubbling under the surface.

“Where’s the back-up radio?” Alex demands.

“Calm down!” Victoria raises her voice, slamming the table.

“Don’t you tell me to calm down, where’s the damn back-up radio?” Alex starts screaming at this point.

“It’s in my room,” the Captain finally admits.

“In your room?” Laura asks, her voice frozen through, “what are you playing at?”

“It was supposed to be a prank,” he carries on slouching in his chair, “the idea was to…”

He doesn’t get to finish as Alex’s fist sends him sprawling on the deck. He slides on it and remained motionless, right foot all tangled up in his chair.

“You animal!” Victoria screams and rushes to his side. “What’s wrong with you!”

“What’s wrong with me?! What’s wrong with you, lady?” Alex stands menacingly over her as she cradles the Captain’s head. Who’s beginning to stir.

“It was just a prank, you were never in any danger.” Victoria says shooting daggers at Alex.

“Oh, I bet it’s been loads of fun for the both of you in the engine room today? Tell us something, Victoria. Isn’t he married?” asks Andreea venomously.

What more can I say? The evening’s ruined. Mr. Senior VP ended up with a lump on his head as big as his ego, from hitting the deck, but was all right in the end.

There was no electrical failure to begin with, they had inverted one of the connections linking the battery assembly. Supposedly they were going to have it miraculously fixed the next day, giving them a glimpse of how we react in a very stressful situation. That had been the purpose of the whole vacation, actually. Rather noble of them, wouldn’t you say?

We made land fall shortly after the fisticuffs tournament, as the atmosphere had gotten too intense for everybody. As a result, Laura, Daniel and Vlad, surprisingly, threatened to sue the unfortunate couple for reckless endangerment and kidnapping.

All in all, it was a great trip.

And, yeah! I told you I’m a wizard!