Reflections of a Love Past

I wonder how long it has been since I truly felt loved.  People always say they love each other, but how many of them really mean it?  Understand it? Did he ever mean it when he said it? I doubt it. I’ve walked by these cherry blossom trees for two springs.  I feel as fragile as those petals today. My discoveries of untold lies stoked a fire in my lungs and a waterfall behind my eyes.  I wish I could float away like these petals. At least my allergies make it less obvious that I'm quietly crying. I suppose it's grieving the loss of a relationship. I’ll have a good cry when I get home and just focus on these trees lining the river.  At least I can enjoy these trees right now without his poison tainting this experience too. There is something about seeing a whole row of them together that’s breathtaking, even in the dark. They bloom only when they’re ready, struggle through cold temperatures, and then sprout like wildfire.  I’ve noticed they have a light fragrance, soft and light just like the blossoms. I would love to capture some in a perpetually bloomed state. Could I freeze dry them? Is that even a thing? Japan is the land of preserved flowers. I should have taken a class. Yet another thing I held myself back from experiencing because of him.  There was so much I could have done and experienced. A cherry blossom doesn’t try to become a peach blossom. Why did I try to be what he wanted? He was just so good at finding the right words to say. Then again, that was part of the problem. Always having the right thing to say to make me question myself.  I’ve never had this problem before. I’ve always been the one being chased and this relationship knocked the wind out of me like the time I got hit in the chest playing volleyball in gym class.  Somehow, I lost myself in all of this. I’m glad I get to fly home tomorrow morning. I miss my mom and my sister. I’ve already disappointed my mom so much just by coming here and getting myself tangled up with someone like him.  I can’t believe I borrowed money from him to move here. I really can’t believe he demanded it all back when I arrived. I should have bolted then. There were so many warning signs I should have taken seriously. At least I had Rose to talk with.  She listened well and was basically the only friend I had here. I’ll have to reconnect with her when I get home. I’ll miss these trees when I move back home. I love watching the wind move through the branches and shaking loose thousands of petals fighting for freedom.  Seeing it in real life is so much better than in pictures. I want to dance with them. I haven’t felt like dancing in ages though. I really was a wilting flower like he said. If he knew that, why didn’t he let me go? Why reel me back in? I had a part in this too though. I let him treat me that way.  I took him back when I should have let him go completely. I held on to false hope that he would change. Come to think of it though, did I really want a future with him? Was he really someone I pictured starting a life with? Having kids with? What would we have said about how we met? No thank you!  

I could really go for a drink right now.  Thank God Toyko parks let you walk around with an open can!  If I walk and drink at the same time that would burn the calories I’m drinking right?  That can’t be how that works. Who cares. I’ll pick up one of those peach flavored sours I love so much.  Too bad today isn’t a festival of some kind. There’s like a thousand of them a year! Would have been nice to get lost in a crowd and forget things for a while.  At least there are some people out enjoying a picnic and drinks under the trees. Makes me feel less alone. I’m glad I gave him back the necklace he bought me. Tiffanys or not, no amount of jewelry could have made up for slowly killing me. It was a gift laced in a lie anyway.  I never had the key to his heart. I did have a key to his place but he eventually took that away too. I have got to get new friends. Ones that will help me spot the crazy guys from a mile away, or in my case, right in front of my face. As soon as I move back home, I can put this all behind me.  My heart doesn’t just hurt; my soul hurts too. I wonder how long it will take for me to be me again. My trust is so shattered I’m not even sure I can piece it all back together again. I miss my piano. It has been ages since I’ve played. Piano was always therapeutic for me. All the scars from my childhood, my failures as an adult, I can play it all out with Chopin or by reading Edgar Allen Poe.  At least those men understand me. Even if they’re both dead. Let’s put this whole disaster into the category of a learning experience. It will make me stronger in the end. Part of me was done when I discovered the first lie so that just makes it easier to move on. It amazed me how quickly he turned mean though. I expected him to react negatively but that was a surprise. I think what really bothered him though was that I was totally at peace with it.  I didn’t yell at him even though he called me names. Even further evidence that I made the right choice to leave. I don’t deserve that. No one does.  

Oh great.  He is calling me again.  I was very clear where I stand so I’m not answering that.  I’m doing you a favor you know. I’m disappearing from your life so you don’t have to focus on my lack of professional accomplishments or a fancy career like yours or whatever else you think I need to do with my life.  You have a lot of growing to do and none of it will happen if I stick around. Yes, it does have to be all or nothing for me because that’s what love is. If I’m giving all of myself to you, it should be the same for you.  I don’t care what your family thinks of me now. They would probably be mortified for you if they knew what you did. That’s if you ever had the courage to speak the truth. It doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I don’t care if you paint me out to be the crazy one.  I’m disappearing from your life too. One thing I’ve always been good at is cutting toxic people out completely. I just didn’t recognize you as one at first.  

I should probably pay attention to where I’m walking.  I’ll need to walk to the train station soon. Thank God this is all over.  If he’s like the rest and reaches out after a few months, I’ll do what I did with them and just ignore him.  Eventually, he’ll go away and disappear from my life too just like they all did. He’ll be like one of these cherry blossoms that fall and slowly melt into the sidewalk.  I’ll heal. I’ll get better. I’ll focus on finding myself again before I think about another relationship. I’ll start over and I’ll be home with people who really love me and he’ll just be a faint memory.  I won’t try to become something I’m not. I haven’t even really bloomed yet when I think about it. I’ve still got growing to do and when I’m ready, the right people will be there to cultivate me. There’s the park exit.  I’ll miss you Tokyo. Not all of the memories here were good but I’ll miss this-the way the breeze is embracing my skin right now like it does the trees and bathes me in petals. What a perfect sendoff. Until we meet again Tokyo.