Terrible Jokes, Stupid Blokes, and Godly Hoax

He missed the shot. He clicks his tongue in mock anger. Leveling his magical arrow, he fires once more but misses. The central structure of the spell quakes as his anger rises, but settles as he takes in a deep breath. He ceases the spell's use as he longingly watches his prey escape.

“That’s the fourth one this week…” he groans out, aggressively running his fingers through his hair, dropping his arm as a sigh escapes his lips. “Will I be able to gather enough coin? Dammit,” he mutters to the grim ominous forest before him. The only answer he receives is the faintest rustle of the leaves overhead. A slight twinkle catches his eye, but it’s gone as soon as he turns to look. He looks at the grove where the monster disappeared, his eye twitches, his hand shakes as a crackle of magical energy floats between his fingers. He allows it to dissipate.

He shakes away the annoyance and begins to pack away his things while keeping an ever-vigilant watch on his surroundings. No point staying here any longer than he should. The Gloom Grotto is no place to set up camp for longer than a few hours. And here he’s stayed for at least a few days. The Encroachment is beginning to set in. A cough escapes his lips as waves of nausea make him stumble his way through his camp to pick up his things. He’s already had flashes of anger, irritation, and hunger over the last 24 hours, reminding him that the Madness is setting in. It won’t be long until he keels over in pain as the Madness eats him from the inside, or he becomes a Maddened Monger.

That’s a scary thought.

But the beginning stages always horrify him. Soon he’ll begin to itch until he bleeds, so it’s best to high-tail it outta here. “Heh…” A soft laugh escapes his lips unintentionally. He peeks slightly behind him, and his rough, leathery tail twitches and slams on the ground- perhaps he didn’t like it as much as he thought he did. His gear, food, weapons, potions, maps, ink, and utensils appear to be in order, so he heaves the enchanted pack over his shoulder, marveling at the weight difference, and begins his trek back.

He pats his side belt in a panic, but relaxes as he finds it safely there. A relieved sigh escapes him, settling his frightened heart. His trusted friend gave him a Magic Bag as a gift, and he couldn’t bear the thought of losing it.

“Where am I going to get the money to pay off that chump of a god… Maybe I should target smaller prey… the elusive Muckaroo is too high a hurdle, it seems…”

His earnings on expeditions and monster hunting don’t earn him enough to pay off his debt, and he’d be damned if he had to go make money at the God-owned Volcanic Gem Mines. While magically inclined, he did not want to stoop to the level of giving up his freedom. While that chump of a god was a disrespectful bastard, he was not as immoral or manipulative as his brethren.

A stick snapping brought his attention back to the forest. He clicks his tongue in annoyance at his lack of professionalism. He crouches and manifests dozens of icicle spears around him as he readies his arrow spell. His eyes move from right to left as he slowly does a full circle. Watching for any further movement, he doesn’t stop for a single second. Nothing but brightly colored trees that are only blocked out by the thick haze surrounding the area. Twisting vines filled with violet-colored fruit entangle the trees before him, making it damn near hard to see anything. He chides himself, the haze is the main culprit.

Impatience and improper spatial awareness killed off many adventurers, making a living from this.

His tight-lipped mouth quivers slightly, but he doesn't dare voice out any complaints or speak a word lest the danger zero in on him before he even has a chance to fight.

Many monsters made this place their home, including the conniving thief bastards and nearly invisible bugs that rely on ambush tactics.

A drop of sweat slides down his cheek onto his combat shirt, sharp but controlled breaths through his nose made focusing difficult, but anything more and he would risk exposing himself further.

From what is known about monsters, they always tend to hesitate to attack humans, but one can never rely on absolutes. Sure, most monsters were hostile, and while they did hesitate, they were just like animals. They are territorial, they hunt, and they choose violence over running away when protecting their young. And yet some hunted for sport, be it other monsters or people. He’s heard and seen of those outliers who loved seeing humans struggle. It makes him sick to his stomach, but they almost always preyed upon children and the elderly.

He had no clue who he was facing right now, a territorial male would have attacked at the first sign of his spells manifesting and a protective mother would've come charging in, running is far more effective when confronting a mother because as soon as you are out of sight or they run too far from their baby’s they stop giving chase. Now that he thought about it, a Trophy Hunter would've also attacked or would’ve launched an attack that broke down the spells near him.

So what did he hear?

The fluttering of wings.

What is following him?

A giggle in the chilly breeze.

Ah. He knows.

As soon as he does, he drops his guard, and the spells vanish. He takes one good look around him once more and spots what he is looking for on a nearby tree branch.

Glittering pink, yellow, and orange dust.

Fairy Dust.

It’s a hot commodity. But that would be an understatement. This pretty little dust has the potential to cure the Madness that corrupts people while also fetching a stupidly high price on the black market, not to mention the Royal Market. But only Fairies are capable of producing it and are only able to produce it if they are hurt, killed, or are feeling generous to a chosen human that they find curious.

Which is it?

It doesn’t take long before he finds his answer.

Cheerful laughter rings around him, and though he flinches at the abruptness of it, a small smile graces his lips.

“Kight uimma pooka loo, tum erems mim famoruitooo…” a sing-song voice echoes in the now active forest. Not being able to understand is unfortunate, but luckily, their words have a magical force within them; emotions are sent and transferred directly into beings.

She appears to be happy at the sight of him and is expressing her satisfaction… with herself and praising herself on finding… him? Okay. That’s a first. Not that he’s ever been visited by a fairy, but well, he has many questions. He decides to store them away for later.

“Oh wow, look at that, we have another jokester here.” The tension in his body dissipates, and while watching the curious little fairy circle his head, he begins to wonder. He slaps his cheeks abruptly, and says “Thinking in the middle of the forest gets me nowhere; if anything, I’d suffer a grievous fairy-tality…” with a barely concealed grin.

“...”

No response. Not even a faint airy chuckle.

He sure has a tough crowd.

She didn’t even humor him. “Tch, so much for fairies being ‘bubbly lil creatures,’” he mutters under his breath.

“Ahem… shall we get moving?” He scratches his head in embarrassment and begins walking stiffly to the exit of the forest. No longer wary of any monsters, he still remains vigilant and doesn’t take his eyes off the far end of the forest. He’s sure he felt something. An ominous presence. What was it? Couldn’t have been the fairy, she was soulful, while the other was… putrid.

The fairy, a tiny humanoid person, more than half the size of his head, floated around his head without a care in the world. Invisible to every human except the one they one-sidedly made a contract with, she will follow him to the ends of the world until he passes away or magic ceases to exist- an unlikely outcome. She had soft sky blue hair with tiny clouds moving ever so slowly within her braids, violet eyes that shone like amethysts, and fluffy clouds that came together to form a dress. A rare specimen of Cloud/Ice Fairy, though considering every fairy is a mythical being in of itself, this type is a terrifyingly difficult encounter.

No sooner had he stopped minding the distant, eerie presence, they came upon the road leading back to civilization. Though worried for the fairy’s well-being, he remembered the legends of them making themselves visible only to their specified targets. He was also reminded of the ease with which she took control of his spells. An amateur might’ve not noticed, but he sure did. In the exact moment she appeared, she hijacked one of his icicle spears- out of pure curiosity, mind you- and he could feel his control over it crumble into smithereens.

She was a powerhouse who didn’t need a single ounce of consideration; it was unnecessary. He couldn’t help it considering her looks, but he’s met cute folks before that could (and did) drop kick him. He’s lucky he didn’t lose his life, although he was dangerously close to death once or twice; he’d rather not relive it. It’d be a fool's errand to assume one's power over just looks.

He’s a prime example of said power.

He had to show a show of force lest he wound up dead in a ditch from an ambush. Powerful ice and thunder spells were his bread and butter. And now half the city and over a quarter of the country knew of his name.

Cryos the Thundercaller. His name was tacked onto his alias, not that it mattered, but he found the alias tacky.

He digressed.

The forest may as well have been a hop, jump, and skip away because they were inside the city already. Then again, with how infamous he is, guards just let him pass right in when their Magical Signature readers take a whiff of his magic. Might have been the face, too, what with all the scars, but he’d rather not think about how rugged or disheveled he must look now compared to years ago.

“Tch, you’d think having fame would come with money… and yet here I am scrounging up pocket change from the nearby death forest… Give me a break,” his foul mood only worsened when he saw a group of ragged-looking kids being picked on by a group of Celestial Knights.

“...you kids sure have a lot of nerve trying to one-up us high-ranking knights…”

“Yeah, yeah! What do you have to say for yourselves?!”

“...Please, don’t make our jobs harder. All we need is a verbal confirmation, and we’ll take you to our Lord post-haste…”

“Why are you all wasting your time talking to some kids? We gotta just take ‘em by force, what are they gonna do? Denounce us to the authorities? We are the authorities.”

He’s seen and heard enough. Two of the kids already have bruised eyes, and a brat is already sporting a bleeding wound from his shoulder to his chest. His hands crackled with magical energy. The fairy, noticing the disturbance in the air and the hostile energy the knights were emitting, already had storm clouds forming around her and around the knights, but did nothing yet.

These five idiots have caused lots of trouble and mostly left him be, but they always went after the most unfortunate. They followed a particularly nasty god, and though he had believed in one before, humans betrayed Her. “Tch, now’s not the time to reminisce…”

“HEY! Leave the brats alone, and I’ll let you guys off with an electrical spark as a warning… if not, well let’s just say I’ve updated my repertoire of spells and I’m eager to try them out,” He said silently, but a few clouds of magic surrounded his words and blessed them with magic to enter the ears of the five knights.

They all flinched at the sound of his voice and were left trembling after they were magically empowered. He could taste the fear in the air around them, but their pride wouldn’t let them walk away just like that. It’s why he hated dealing with these kinds of people. Death felt so far away for them, like an afterthought. Cryos had learned to throw it away; survival in this god forsaken world is what matters.

Now what’s his next move, fire at will, or see what these idiots spout out and deliver some well-deserved justice all the same?

Turns out none of these were an option because a divine light burst out in the middle of their destined scuffle.

“Now what do we have here? Am I interrupting something?”

The jackass of a god decided to show up. The one he owes money to, the God of Gambling, Maculoro.

“Cryos, my good man, you didn’t tell me you were so softhearted as to save these rascals,” he then grandly gestured to him in a flamboyant manner, fluttering his eyelashes and stars sparkling from his violet colored suit. “Heh, it reminds me of the time I took you in my wing,” he mock cried as he continued in an overly sympathetic manner. “You were so frightened, and I, in my great magnanimity, introduced you to a friend of mine to take hold of that power you oh so dearly wished.” A wicked smile flashed for a split second.

The audacity of this bastard.

“I didn’t have a choice,” Cryos snarled through clenched teeth.

He had half a mind to just fry him up and have him cease to exist, and yet he couldn’t. He still didn’t have the power to clash against gods, not yet, at least.

So he swallowed his sarcastic reply and instead, growled out, “So, the fuck are you doing here?”

“Now now, there’s no need for that hostility, I have a job for the rugrats. Nothing too bad, they just have to report to my good man, Ragor,” he said, his tone dripping with undisguised vile guile.

The little kids perked up at the mention of the familiar name, but they couldn’t have known the real truth of said name, and yet he couldn't bring himself to tell them. They had to follow through if they wanted to survive in this foul world. He sighed and nodded to his unwanted-patron god.

Maculoro grinned, snapped his fingers, and a dozen shadowy figures emerged from the darkness. They grabbed the kids right from underneath the shell-shocked knights until they were gone without a sound. The knights, still open-mouthed, began waking up and, though angry, didn’t want to be uncouth to a god.

“Maculoro sir, uhm, we had busi-“

“And?” He replied immediately in a whisper, so quiet it sent chills down everyone’s spine.

“You have no jurisdiction over the less fortunate. I do. Now, please, leave. I won’t ask so nicely again.”

They nodded vigorously and left.

I took a peek at the fairy, and she was giggling as she played with my wavy hair. That reminds me, I have to wash it today. Maybe she can help? I sure hope so. She is a fairy of the clouds.

I then turned to the oddly silent god, and he was just staring in my direction, not paying any mind to the lil fairy. He sighed, gave a giggle and a wave, and left in a flash of sparkling gold coins that clattered onto the ground. As if on cue, dozens of the less fortunate rushed to gather.

I grimaced. He sure is sly. He wanted me to take a good look at the coins, he wanted me to fall to temptation once more.

I wasn’t that stupid. This was false money. And would only increase my debt.

I scratched my head in irritation once more, shivering at the thought of still being under the effects of madness, but when I turned to the curious fairy, she smiled and shook her head.

Huh, smart one, isn’t she?

My spells dissipated as I made my way around the crowd and vanished back into the familiar streets of Pardem, the city I call home.