Christian Fantasy Funny

"Are you there God? It's me."

When I awoke, there was someone on the bed. I hadn’t slept too well and I mostly sensed the intruder’s presence by the pressure he applied on the box spring than by seeing who he was. Then my eyes adjusted to the semi darkness and I realized that it was God who had come to visit me. This put me in a kind a stupor. Why was God so near that I could touch his clothing? Well, more like drapery than sensible clothes. He had plenty of beard and hair, both white. Still, he looked younger than me, all dressed up in one outfit the same color as my blanket.

I couldn’t think of anything to say. So I stayed quiet. At last, God broke the silence.

« How would you like to live in eternity… He asked »

The day before, I went to bed with a bit of a stomach discomfort. Could that have developed into something serious enough to insure the presence at my bedside of the master of the universe and his prying into me with this very disturbing question? I forced myself to beg Him for clarifications.

«  Do you mean in heaven… »

He wasn’t long in reassuring me:

« Well, not at this time. You look healthy enough for now. In fact, I was talking about yourself; in the state you are now, continuing forever to do what you like do on this earth. »

« You mean endlessly…? »

I don’t know why but when articulating these three words, I felt a frigid sensation going through my back.

« Precisely. How would you like that? »

« It’s a long time I said, feeling rather stupid. »

God looked at me in a way I have always associated with clerics and their devotion. Finally, he issued this sentence:

« Not if you are doing the right thing. »

The word ’’prayers’’ came into my mind as I am sure it was part of God’s little scheme but I couldn’t tell in his face that the notion of reciting litanies for hours was foreign to me. Instead, I uttered:

« You multiply one million years by one million and eternity wouldn’t even have started… »

I could see that God wasn’t impressed by my arithmetic.

« I gather, he surmised, that you will pass out on that opportunity. »

« How many card games of patience can one play in infinity… »

This didn’t get me the giggle I expected, not even a smirk. Instead, God lectured me:

« You judge like the mortal you are, your condition being temporal, ephemeral and perishable. If you were to live forever, what you make of your situation might change. »

« Listen, I interjected, I have had a good life and as all things in this world it must come to an end. So, yes I will decline. »

My guest changed position and I sensed tremors on the mattress as his body weight shifted toward my right foot. What about being a spirit, impalpable and immaterial, I pondered.

God received my dismissal with no sign of being annoyed or pissed off. He glanced at me. My pajama was unbuttoned and showed more of my fleshy abdomen than I cared for him to look at. I silently wished him to leave me alone. He didn’t. Instead, he came up with another proposal.

« What would you say, then, if I were to offer you to be twenty years old again? »

This got my full attention. No doubt I was presented with an alternative to good to be true. Could it be that God talked nonsense? Still, he was Yahweh, wasn’t he? I had seen enough of our creator in pictures to recognize the almighty when sitting in front of him. If he was proposing it, who was I to doubt the project feasibility. I sure couldn’t dismiss my visitor’s amiable overture the way I would have anybody else’s. I could feel God’s dark blue eyes sinking into mine, him expecting some kind of an answer on my part and who knows, being ready to remodel me as an ass if I were to disappoint him some more.

« Being twenty years old again » I repeated, just to gain some more time and think through all the challenges I would meet if I immersed myself into so big a conversion.

« That’s it, he agreed with a smile. You will no longer be an old man of eighty or so but a young fellow with a full life in front of him. »

« This sounds good indeed. Let me ask, though. In what world would I come up? Would it be now or back in the time of Eisenhower and Kennedy? »

« I don’t do time retrogression. You would find yourself a young man in the year 2019. Don’t worry. You won’t miss your computer, neither your smart T.V. set nor your LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook accounts. »

Not wanting God to have too bad an opinion of me, I made a gesture that showed I didn’t care much for those modern distractions.

« Would it be me or someone new, I asked? »

God’s answer was quick and to the point.

« It depends. You decide. The choice is yours. What is it you want, starting up anew or being your old self with sixty years less? »

« Starting up anew, I repeated. Does that mean that I wouldn’t know of my previous existence? »

« Exactly. »

« Then, I objected, what would be the point of the whole exercise if I were not to know about it. »

God shrugged his shoulders as if he didn’t care much one way or the other. He let out a sigh and finished with the choice I was left with:

« You do it your way then. Stay who you are and be young again. What do you say? »

« Can’t you be a little bit more specific? Will I look the same? »

« We do things this way, he revealed. You will be born in 1999. You will grow up into a new family. And as soon as you stop being a teenager, memory of your old self will come back. »

« Well, how amazing » I pronounced. Still, there was that bit that represented a challenge. « Will I be as happy in this new life as I have been in the old, I asked? »

I realized that my blowing hot and cold made me look like a spoiled and capricious child. But I couldn’t do better.

« That is up to you, man. »

« I mean, I stuttered, I will have to do it all over again and not being sure it will work okay. »

« True enough. This is the price to pay for being young again. »

I popped out:

« And I will be left to contrast anything I do with my previous accomplishments. »

« You might do worse. You might do better, God acknowledged. »

« Impossible to do it better, I hollered back in a kind of panic. I've had all I could wish for in life and reached, beyond my wildest expectations, every goal I've ever set. »

« You’re a tough customer, do you know that, God complained. »

« The deal you offer is intricate and problematic. Being who you are, you must realize that. »

« The complexity is of your own making, he blamed me. »

« Well, I protested, you’re not selling me a cruise ship in the Caribbean. »

« You must make up your mind, God insisted, looking at his watch. »

Yes, he had a watch. The kind my grandfather used. And God knows how he got it out of his garment plus a pair of glasses that he put on his nose, looking like Santa Claus. Unbelievable but true.

« Let me think, will you, I pleaded. »

« One minute more. I have a lot to do and to be honest, I must say I am dumbfounded by yout irresolution. »

« I hesitate because your proposal isn’t as great as you make it sound. »

« I don’t care what you decide, God mumbled. I was around and I felt like visiting you and making you happy. »

« I am quite happy now. »

« Good for you. »

« Thanks. »

« By accepting my offer, you could be happy for a lot more years than the few you are left with in this existence of yours. »

The more I talked back, the more I was convinced the words I was issuing made good common sense.

« Maybe I could but chances are I will miss all what have made me the man I am. And those things are too much or too good to ignore or let go of. So, I am grateful for your offer but I will turn it down respectfully. I hope you don’t mind. »

 He assured me he didn’t.

* * * *

After God disappeared, I turned in my bed and came into contact with my wife, the woman who shared my life for the last fifty-seven years.

And right then, I knew I made the right choice.

February 04, 2022 15:55

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.


RBE | Illustration — We made a writing app for you | 2023-02

We made a writing app for you

Yes, you! Write. Format. Export for ebook and print. 100% free, always.