Submitted to: Contest #169

The Woods

Written in response to: "Start your story with a character encountering a black cat."

Thriller Suspense Fantasy

It was nearly half past seven, and the jittery little birds flitting about the graveyard sang ever so joyfully to the lost souls six feet under. The morning sun, shining so new and bright, danced on Wren’s face through the foliage burnt red and orange by the stroke of autumn’s fire. The late October air was freshly crisp and lightly stirring, but so bitterly frigid that her pale cheeks were bitten rose and fingers frozen, despite their thick encasement inside fur gloves. Nonetheless, she refused to bury her hands into her coat pockets and hurry on to her destination — the novel in her grasp was of much more importance than warmth. A devoted lover of classics, Wren happened to be on the very last chapter of Wuthering Heights and was determined to finish the book before she arrived at the library. This cemetery she was now passing through was a regular part of her daily travel, and it marked that she was three-quarters of the way there.

Each morning at six forty-five sharp, the girl left home to journey all the way across town to the library, a place analogous with the word sanctuary in her seventeen-year-old mind. She was in constant solitude, and therefore found delightful occupation in the imaginary worlds books brought her to. Her visits were cherished by the old women who kept the library. They were the only souls in town who did not disapprove of the eccentric and lonely girl, and adored the stark contrast of her humble nature and strong opinions.

Thinking about her reality gave her a heavy heart, which was why she preferred to live within books. As the object of the townspeople’s taunts, gossip, and frustrations, Wren loathed living in Raven’s Hill. She was acclimated to their cruel labels ranging from the likes of “outcast” and “failure” to “witch” and “demon girl.” In such a small town where even the most trivial things got around, people found it quite comical that she couldn’t keep a job for more than a month — everybody perceived her as lazy, or that she “must be disabled or something,” according to her mother. People also found extremely disturbing her stubborn defiance, careless back talk, and iconoclastically rebellious opinions of the school’s expectations and rules. Her expulsion during her junior year brought her much ridicule that humiliated her parents in their social circles. As a result, her mother and father seized every chance they could to remind their daughter that she was a complete and utter failure. Ones her age steered clear of the ill-omened girl, only badmouthing her behind closed doors in fear that she would seriously hurt them; and the townspeople of little Raven’s Hill eyed her with silent censure at every grocery store, park, and pretty much every public place. Blitzed on every corner, this left Wren believing all of what the others said, despite the soft whispers of her heart telling her all was not as it seemed.  Truthfully, her untamed spirit could never allow her to engage in what did not spark flames in her heart. This prevented her from investing time into people and places that tried watering her down and keeping her in check. She couldn’t bear the melancholy workplaces of mechanical employees, functioning without joy or passion; and she felt sick at the school where she was handed workloads that drained her time and energy, all about subjects that didn’t excite her. She listened to her heart’s song, and that was why the lonely girl was talented beyond comparison — because no matter how hard people tried, they could not keep Wren from doing only what she loved. It was as if she had a contract that her soul had written in her past life; a secret scroll tucked away in the pleats of her heart.

Being raised to value humility and shame confidence as vain, Wren did not think much about how her talents were so astounding that they could be alluded to magical powers. Unfortunately, nobody ever had the chance to behold the variety and proficiency of her gifts. Her parents did not pay much attention to her because of her lack of abilities important to them. Hence, they ignored her every time she tried showing them things as a child. They chose to spend their days working long hours, or locked away in their room dragging on cigarettes and watching television. Ergo, Wren figured there was no use or importance to her designs. With her self-belief doused, she grew accustomed to isolation, and refused to reveal what she truly loved to do with anyone. While her parents were gone and her peers were up to no good, the lonely girl was left to her own devices. Now being seventeen, she could render a painting so realistic that any spectator would liken it to a piece done by an Old Master; her essays objecting the injustices of society were so bold that any authority figure would be instantly infuriated; the simple songs she wrote from her heart were so poetically lovely; her voice was so angelic that if she had enough courage to sing in front of another, they would swoon; and last but not least, an irrevocable thirst for profound knowledge and spiritual truths bestowed her with silent brilliance and psychic powers. She was a walking, breathing star afraid to shine — and for all the noble beliefs she held about how she intended to change the world, the most injustice happened to be her disbelief in her own self. Her doubts in her magic made her life a self-fulfilling prophecy of misfortune. That is, until she tripped over the cat.

“Damn it!” Wren cursed, and saved herself from falling face first into a decaying tombstone. With irritability, she gathered her book off of the frozen ground and met eyes with what had tripped her. Well, who had tripped her: it was a cat, with jet-black fur and the most peculiar set of prying eyes. One was blue, and the other was green. This dazzled the girl to her heart’s core. She gasped in awe, her doe eyes widening with wonder. She found the little creature extraordinary. All annoyance from the fall vanished as quick as it came on. Wren realized that the cat was trying to communicate something to her. It meowed with urgent desperation, rubbing itself against Wren’s legs and twitching its tail in vexation. Its mismatched eyes bore into Wren’s hazel ones with such an intensely pleading gaze that a number of inquiries tumbled out of her mouth. “What’s wrong, poor little thing? What are you trying to tell me?” she asked the cat, falling to her knees to stroke its midnight fur. Just then, a sudden frenzy overcame the feline’s spirit. It leapt away from Wren’s soft caresses and bounded across the rolling hills of the massive graveyard. The girl marveled at the swift prowess in which the cat maneuvered around the crumbling tombs, its obsidian coat rippling in the cold breeze that had picked up so abruptly. The trees began to sway, their red-yellow leaves swirling like an inferno. The girl jumped to her feet and, after storing her book in the depths of her cross-shoulder, followed the strange feeling in her heart that tantalized the blood in her veins with electric excitement. It told her that the cat had something to show her that was of utmost importance; so she made a break for it without a moment’s hesitation, forgetting completely about her plans for the day, and dashed after the mysterious creature.

On the other side of the cemetery at the edge of the wild woods, the black Cat turned around to ensure Wren was following. Then it hurried inside. The girl caught up to in just a few seconds, and jumped into the fire-leafed forest after it.

It was unexplainable how after only a few minutes of chasing the cat that the sun actually began going down. Twilight crept over the woods. Bewilderment overwhelmed the girl as she gawked at the shades of the sky darken right before her eyes. This inspired a faster chase after the cat, who seemed to know the way through these woods like the back of its paw. It suddenly dawned on Wren that there was something bizarre about this place that no amount of logic of the mortal mind could comprehend.

“It was just morning!” she heaved. She was breathless from the pursuit, and paused to lean against the deeply ridged trunk of an oak tree close by. “How is it possible . . . that these woods . . . can warp time?”

The cat halted after noticing that Wren had stopped to catch her breath. “Mrrrreoww!” it replied with necessity, demanding her to press forward.

“Okay, okay! On with it.” The girl recollected her bearings and then persisted, which enabled the feline to do the same. 

Dusk had fallen completely. Pitch black darkness had now infected the woods, and the night wind had grown harsh. It chilled Wren to the bone with fear, especially because she couldn’t even see what was in front of her, and kept tripping over various sticks and stones in her path. The woods were turning out to have formidable effects: her face was cut by imperceptible branches that had whipped her cheeks in her haste, and her jeans were dirtied from falling. She grew increasingly frightened when she heard a nightmarish howl far off in the distance. It was unlike any animal she had ever heard before in any part of Pennsylvania. Then, without warning, an enormous owl whooshed right past her head, finally evoking a petrified shriek she had been holding in since the blue sky had mysteriously turned to a mortifying black.

The girl’s panicked scream prompted a chorus of distant demonic howls — not just one anymore. The cat froze in its tracks when it heard this congregation of wailing beasts.  Its fur stood on end and its ears perked warily; it knew they needed to act fast. Wren did not anticipate the blue and green glow the cat suddenly began to radiate from its eyes with a mesmerizing luster. The luminosity served as a sort of headlights for the pair, and now Wren was able to make out her surroundings. The cat had sensed the oncoming danger for the mortal girl, and raced forward with renewed vigor.

The howling grew painstakingly close.

Wren’s blood curdled with terror. She sprinted after the cat as fast as she possibly could, running now not for faith in the cat, but for her life. 

I refuse to end up like those stupid girls in horror movies, Wren thought frantically, her heart pumping so intensely that it felt like it was going to burst out of her chest onto the forest floor. Well, I did follow a black cat with creepy eyes in a creepy graveyard into some random creepy woods. Pretty sure I must already have a negative score.

Now, the beasts had nearly caught up to them, about a hundred yards or so behind. Wren was far too aware of their massive paws pounding heavily into the earth, leaving monstrously enormous prints into the leaf-littered dirt. Their hot breath was heavy, and they snarled with morbid lust for her human flesh. She knew that these monsters were not of this world. 

Wren had never run so fast. Her conscience was incoherent, being drowned out by primal functions that humans have carried with them since the beginning: all-consuming fear, and the instinctual necessity for survival. She kept up with the cat now, and they ran side by side. Just a bit ahead, she could make out a yellowish glow through the trees. Adrenaline pulsing through her body, she scooped up the cat — who had been falling behind and mewing with distress — and charged forward with such incredible  strength that she never even dreamed herself to be capable of. 

The monsters were now right on her tail. They were so close that they were stretching out their necks, snapping their jaws in hopes of snatching the girl and shredding her flesh. She abandoned her coat to ensure they wouldn’t take hold of it and destroy her — the severe cold iced her blood and pushed her to run faster. Wren did not dare to turn back to look upon the faces of the heathens, because hearing their snarling growls and thundering movements were enough. They were intoxicated by the power in her heart center, and wished to devour its spiritual power for their own — but that was not to be. Just a split second before the nearest demon came close to leaping upon her body, Wren made it into the light, and somehow she knew she was safe. She threw herself onto the ground and fell unconscious.  

☆ ☆ ☆

Wren awoke with a start and sat upright, coming alive like Frankenstein. She gasped at her sudden recollection of all that had happened in those woods. Wincing at the severe pain in her head, her hand flew to massage her temples as she looked around. She was on a little cot that she would lay on at the doctor’s, and was covered in a heavy heated blanket. The room was excessively dark, and could only make out her immediate surroundings by the faint glow of a lantern beside her on a small wooden table.  She peered at twinkling trinkets and luxurious decor through the shadows, concluding that wherever she was must be quite posh. How did I escape from those monsters? she thought to herself. And who the hell is this? She had been so lost in her own thoughts for some time that she did not even realize the delicately slender woman sitting before her. Her skin was as colorless as a waxlike figure, being in extreme contrast with her onyx locks. On her hands, she wore a pair of fingerless black lace gloves that exposed crimson-painted nails. She stroked the esoteric black cat, who purred heartily on her lap. She was clothed in the most exquisite Victorian dress that made Wren’s jaw drop — she had never seen something so expensive this close before. It was crafted beautifully of silk and strewn with patterned lace around the shoulders, the materials varying in purple hues of dark plum, light lavender, and pretty violet. Her face was classically beautiful, almost vampiric, with high cheekbones, a delicate nose, and a distinguished jaw, her lips upturned in a knowing smirk. She wore the countenance of a wise raven, and her eyes mused — oh, her eyes! — the left was as blue as the heart of the ocean, and the right was as green as a witch’s brew: just the same as the black cat!

“Who are you? Why have you both conspired to bring me here?” Wren asked weakly. She could barely comprehend what had happened today. She just wanted an explanation.

“Destiny has brought you here, child,” the woman spoke with a low velvet tone. “Moon here —” she gestured to the cat, “ — has been watching over you for a while, hidden in the trees and brush while you were drunken in literary bliss, ignoring the real world. Then she would come and report back to me.”

“Why, though?” Wren demanded sharply. “I’m no use to some prissy high-caliber lady. I can sense the great magnitude of your spiritual power . . . and telling from the black cat you have and creepy woods you live in, you definitely are a witch. And honestly, if you killed me, nobody would miss me anyway. So just do away with me, and get it over with.” She stuck out her lip with a childish pout, and crossed her arms indignantly.

The woman looked stunned. Then she boomed with laughter to the point of almost crying. “You are hilarious! But Moon lured you here so I could pass on a message from your spirit guides,” she affirmed, her eyes softening. “No ordinary human would ever be able to outrun the hellhounds of the woods that protect my home. Artist, you have magical power beyond your comprehension. You have been blessed with so many gifts, and it is sad that you do not do something with them. Your art must be shared with the world. Your voice must be shared with the world. Your words must be shared with the world. You are an old soul, reincarnated in this lifetime for a special purpose: to express yourself, and to change the world. The people of Raven’s Hill are afraid of you. They can sense your spiritual power, just as you can sense mine; however, it intimidates them instead of drawing them closer. This spellbounds you with doubts. But the time is right to get going. If you are to move the world, you must first move yourself. The great person with vigor should demand the rightness of things, timeliness of action, and propriety of method. In this way, power does not become sheer force. You will be surprised at what you will accomplish. Now let these words sink into your spirit. A flower does not open or close according to who walks by, and a star does not dim its light depending on who is watching from below. Shine, dear little artist. Shine.”

Wren was moved to tears. She tried to speak, but her voice would not make a sound. Her vocals were caught in a web. At that moment, the woman reached over the girl and pressed a dazzling crystal on her forehead of a deep blue hue, shimmering enchantingly like a starry night. Instantly, Wren was sent into a deep slumber. 

☆ ☆ ☆

The girl awoke to her six o’clock alarm and her eyes fluttered open, incredulous at the dream she just had. Drowsily, she noticed something moving at her window. How curious was it that a raven was perched on the windowsill — with one green eye and one blue!

Posted Oct 28, 2022
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10 likes 12 comments

D.J. Lewis
10:58 Nov 03, 2022

Hey Rebelle
I love you’re enthusiastic style but it’s way to heavy on the purple pros. I feel I’ve been hit by a description bomb! You have such energy and I love that you have a plan, but can you try and simplify some of your descriptions? We get that it’s a black cat you don’t need to keep describing it - obsidian is just great. I’d be happy to point out a few examples if you’re interested but I’m no expert, it’s just my opinion but I think your writing would soar if you just calmed the writing down a bit. Otherwise great story! Xx

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Rebelle Janné
15:33 Nov 03, 2022

Thank you for your feedback!!!! I actually like the harshest and most constructive criticism possible so I can improve. This is the first story I've written in years and I am terribly long-winded, so I am sure that if it confuses me it definitely irks readers. I see that it takes away from the plot and purpose of my story. I love the feedback I am getting, because my suspicions about overdoing things definitely prove to be correct. I realize now that description isn't the thing that takes the story to the next level; it's the message and the ideas conveyed. I need to show more, not tell, and also focus more on moving the plot forward instead of spending so much time fretting about what words to use. That is actually where most of my time is invested, but now I understand there's not much point in worrying so much about that. I intend on posting more stories in order to recieve more criticism so I may improve. Thank you!!!

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Willie Tee
01:51 Nov 03, 2022

Good story. I’m out of breath after reading it. I feel like I just relived the movie Inception. If that inspired you, great. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a view. I believe restructuring your paragraphs would help with the flow of the story.

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Rebelle Janné
15:26 Nov 03, 2022

Thank you! I've never seen it -- I'll definitely check it out on my little illegal movie website lol. I have just gotten back into writing and am very rusty, so all criticism is extremely helpful. I have a problem where I get so long-winded that I confuse myself.

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Kay Northbridge
20:08 Nov 01, 2022

Hi Rebelle,

Thank you for posting this story - it is really interesting when it gets going and I do like the ending a lot. You have quite a gift for description but I wonder if you stray a little into purple prose. Although the lines have a poetic feel they draw me away from the story a little.

There are some resources that you might find really useful to look at they are all free and all from Reedsy:

https://blog.reedsy.com/learning/courses/writing/show-dont-tell/

https://blog.reedsy.com/learning/courses/writing/writing-dialogue/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=modtjh0Ihfk - A Reedsy video on purple prose.

I've pulled out some sections below for comment. You asked for harsh crit - please note that I do hope this is helpful, I only mean to help. Also - bear in mind that this only my opinion, every writer will develop their own style and every reader is looking for something different.

Here goes. . .

It was nearly half past seven, and the jittery little birds flitting about the graveyard sang ever so joyfully to the lost souls six feet under. - Nice opening.

foliage burnt red and orange by the stroke of autumn’s fire. - lovely imagery.

The late October air was freshly crisp and lightly stirring, but so bitterly frigid that her pale cheeks were bitten rose and fingers frozen, despite their thick encasement inside fur gloves. - You don't have to say it's late October - you can rely on your earlier imagery to show the reader the time of year - you don't need to tell them as well. I'm struggling with the air being both light and bitter at the same time. And I think the last few words could be reshuffled - I'm not sure about "thick encasement". I'd suggest a rework along these lines:
The air was freshly crisp and but so bitterly frigid that her pale cheeks were bitten rose and fingers frozen, despite their encasement inside thick fur gloves.

In fact - you could cut the bitterly frigid bit too as you are showing the reader this with the description of the gloves - it is generally better to show things rather then tell them. So you could go as far as cutting the whole first section:
Her pale cheeks were bitten rose and fingers frozen, despite their thick encasement inside fur gloves.

Nonetheless, she refused to bury her hands into her coat pockets and hurry on to her destination — the novel in her grasp was of much more importance than warmth. - You could cut the bit after the - because you are illustrating that with the start of the line. The second half of the line is telling.

This cemetery she was now passing through was a regular part of her daily travel, and it marked that she was three-quarters of the way there. - There is so much lovely imagery about the surroundings before this point but then nothing about the cemetery. Could you flesh it out without saying she's in a cemetery? Let the reader figure that out? Maybe:
The weatherworn angel gravestone as tall as her father, sitting between two moss-covered crosses, marked the three quarter point of her daily journey.

a place analogous with the word sanctuary - I think you mean synonymous?

Her visits were cherished by the old women who kept the library. They were the only souls in town who did not disapprove of the eccentric and lonely girl, and adored the stark contrast of her humble nature and strong opinions. - There is a lot of telling here. Can you find a way to show the reader the girl's personality and her relationship with these women?

OK - I get that the character traits of Wren are important to the story. But, nearly half of the piece is just describing who she is, in almost entirely telling, not showing. I got a bit frustrated waiting for the story to start. You could, instead tell a story of a typical day in her life and show the reader what she is facing by describing her interactions with her family, her school mates, etc. You could then have her arrive at the library and be greeted warmly by the women there by way of contrast to everything else. It would feel like more of a plot if there was more action from the beginning.

It was as if she had a contract that her soul had written in her past life; a secret scroll tucked away in the pleats of her heart. - lovely line.

her talents were so astounding that they could be alluded to magical powers - I'm not sure what you are going for here but I don't think this is the correct use of "alluded".

“Damn it!” Wren cursed, and saved herself from falling face first into a decaying tombstone. - This is where the story starts - and it's a great line.

The word "heart" appears a lot of times throughout. Is there any way to reduce the repetition?

It meowed with urgent desperation, rubbing itself against Wren’s legs and twitching its tail in vexation. - Every time you name an emotion you are telling not showing. You could cut the emotions from this line and allow the reader to figure out what the cat is trying to achieve / feeling / etc. It would read like this:
It meowed, rubbing itself against Wren’s legs and twitching its tail.

The howling grew painstakingly close. - I dont think this is the right use of painstaking.

Wren awoke with a start and sat upright, coming alive like Frankenstein. - A character obsessed with classics would know that it was not Frankenstein who was brought to life - it was Frankenstein's monster.

There is a general rule in writing dialogue that you stick to "said" as a dialogue tag. Anything else is too visible to the reader and interrupts the flow. You can use action tags instead to punctuate the speech. And they are often best placed in the middle of long lines of dialogue, rather then at the end. There is also a general rule to cut as many adverbs as you can and let the verbs do the work. For example:
“Why, though?” Wren demanded sharply. “I’m no use to some prissy high-caliber lady. I can sense the great magnitude of your spiritual power . . . and telling from the black cat you have and creepy woods you live in, you definitely are a witch. And honestly, if you killed me, nobody would miss me anyway. So just do away with me, and get it over with.” She stuck out her lip with a childish pout, and crossed her arms indignantly.

Could become:
“Why, though?” Wren stuck out her lip with a childish pout. “I’m no use to some prissy high-caliber lady. I can sense the great magnitude of your spiritual power . . . and telling from the black cat you have and creepy woods you live in, you definitely are a witch." She crossed her arms. "And honestly, if you killed me, nobody would miss me anyway. So just do away with me, and get it over with.”

This spellbounds you with doubts. - I don't think this line is quite right. Maybe - This binds you with doubts. ?

Overall the prose is really quite beautiful, though perhaps a little overly elaborate - it also felt like the story didn't start for a long time and there was a lot more telling than showing. I really liked the character of Wren - she feels truly complex and has an interesting back story - I just wonder if you could maybe develop the details in action scenes a bit more, rather than info dumping in an extended introduction. The idea of the story is great - and I like that there is a question at the end about whether it had been a dream or not. I really cared about the character - I wanted her to go on after the end of the story and do great things and be happy. I'd like to know a bit more about the woman who talks to her about her abilities - did she have a similar backstory to Wren? did she have a vested interest in Wren succeeding? Why does she care so much about this girl?

I think you have a really good piece here - there are just possibly a few ways you could tighten it up and grow the plot.

I really hope this is helpful.
All best wishes.
K

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Rebelle Janné
01:38 Nov 02, 2022

Thank you so much!!! I love, love, love your critique it is exactly what I wanted!! I am freshly eighteen and this is my first story I have written in some years. My mom always told me I add a lot of fluff and it draws away from the purpose in my writing. This story is actually one I plan to continue though. The woman's name is Lovecia, who is an immortal witch born hundreds of years ago. She can turn into a raven, hence the raven at the end rapping on Wren's window. I have a whole world in mind and I am working on planning a much larger story around these characters, with lots of cats, witches, evil, good, and traveling back in time. Lovecia and her ally Professor Omen (when Lovecia turns into a raven, she sits on his shoulder) are both interested in the girl because she is the only one that can be the Professor's apprentice and travel back in time with him to 1688. She is the only one with the power to change the minds of the people and to lift the spell that the Dark Priest (classic evil villain with a sad childhood and harsh upbringing that put him on that path haha) has cast over society. Lovecia and Professor Omen are those kinds of characters everybody wants to see together because they obviously are in love with each other, yet are both too prideful to ever make anything change. That is a pretty bad description, but I am excited to see how my story turns out from taking your advice.

You definitely are an amazing writer and have given me really great feedback! I am going to check out those resources and also research some more about how I can make my writing tighter, because ever since I was a child I always was so lengthy and frilly with my descriptions. I just really need to solve that problem once and for all. My role model writers are Edgar Allan Poe, Emily Bronte, J.K. Rowling, and especially Stephanie Meyer. Her writing is very classic-sounding, but also tight, witty, and concise. I have a problem with my writing sounding so much from the 1800s that I am afraid to put my 21st century humor and references.

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Kay Northbridge
21:51 Nov 02, 2022

Hi,
I'm glad you found it helpful.
It makes more sense that it would be part of a larger, more developed piece - but all the points I made I would still make. It sounds like you have a really well rounded idea of where this is going and the world building sounds fascinating.
I wish you all the best with it.
K

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Kay Northbridge
21:52 Nov 02, 2022

Happy birthday! - I nearly forgot to say :-)

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Rebelle Janné
23:17 Nov 02, 2022

Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Kay Northbridge
08:34 Oct 30, 2022

Really interesting story, is it a dream? Is it not a dream? Nice ending, avoids some cliché. I did spot things that could be tighter. If you'd like me to leave a full critique please let me know.

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Rebelle Janné
00:12 Nov 01, 2022

Yes, I would love a full critique! Weirdly, I prefer the harshest criticism possible because I am a perfectionist. Thank you.

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Rebelle Janné
00:14 Nov 01, 2022

And no, not a dream, just something of out of my head.

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