PROTEIN!

Commander: Damn it, man! That was a complete waste of time and an extremely negligent use of our limited resources. Do you think this fleet can just continue to search the galaxies forever?

Intelligence Officer: I am most sorry, sir. The data indicated that this would be a target-rich environment. We had every reason to believe that it would be ripe for harvest.

Commander: So, what happened?

Intelligence Officer: Well sir, the planet was indeed abundantly populated by the dominant species, just as our models predicted, however we could not know the genetic makeup of said species until we actually arrived in the Alpha Centauri A system. Unfortunately, that population consisted entirely of gelatinous sea creatures with no nutritional value whatsoever.

Commander: Damn you, man. We must have PROTEIN! And our previous destination? Explain that failure to me once more.

Intelligence Officer: Well sir, that one was simply a case of poor timing, I am afraid. There was no single dominant species but, rather, there were three; the Greens, the Reds and the Blues.

Commander: Yes? So, what went wrong? I believe I was in my cryo-chamber during that time. So hard to get a good night's sleep on this cursed ship of fools.

Intelligence Officer: Well sir, it appears that sometime during our voyage to that Goldilocks planet in the Alpha Centauri B system, the Greens broke out into all-out war with the Reds, apparently regarding various conflicts between environmental concerns and economic considerations. The Reds outnumbered them significantly and possessed far superior weaponry and so they wiped out the Greens quickly, but then the Blues seized the opportunity to annihilate the Reds over long-standing ideological and political differences. In the end all three races were mostly left extinct and by the time we arrived there was virtually no remaining live biomass for us to harvest. All of the meat had gone bad.

Commander: Damn it, man! The emperor demands protein for our people! Our survival depends on it. WE MUST HAVE MEAT! I will not return without it. Explain to me why our next destination will be different. Our people are hungry, Officer!

Intelligence Officer: Yes sir. We have a 92.68% calculated level of confidence in our analysis of the next planet on our map, a Goldilocks planet in the Copernican system. And it is very close, only about 17 astronomical units from our current location.

Commander: Navigator! I have questions!

Navigator: Yes, sir! How may I be of service to you, sir?

Commander: Tell me exactly when we will arrive at our next destination? I can no longer tolerate uncertainty. The survival of our people depends on our success. We need protein, man! We must have the meat!

Navigator: Yes, sir. Of course, sir. It is not a long voyage. According to our present calculations it should be only the equivalent of .23 Solaris years under our standard calendar.

Commander: Not a long voyage? Are you prepared to travel those .23 Solaris years before you ingest another gram of protein?

Navigator: No sir.

Commander: I should think not. You would be little more than a withered and shriveled husk by the time we arrived. Make haste, man. Make haste! Our fleet has burned over 60% of our fuel and our holding bays are less than 40% full. Can you not do the math here?

Navigator: Yes, sir. We will do everything possible to expedite our arrival.

Commander: Please do so immediately. You are dismissed.

Navigator: Yes sir. And may I say that your clean-pressed uniform looks splendid. I so admire your many medals of achievement and grandeur.

Commander: Shut up and go do your job.

Navigator: Yes sir, Commander.

Commander: Lackey #1, you are summoned!

Lackey #1: What can I do for you immediately, your most Radiant Magnificence?

Commander: You can stop fellating me for two minutes and go get me a cup of coffee.

Lackey #1: Yes sir. Puriataca blend coffee with two servings of cream, one sweetener.

Commander: You know how I take my coffee. Stop wasting my time, you piss ant!

Lackey #1: Yes sir. I will return with your coffee post haste, and I will be prepared to resume my fellatio duties on your command.

Commander: You sicken me. Go! Now!

Lackey #1: Of course, your most Brilliant and Flawless Majesty.

Commander [into microphone]: Fleet Communications Officer, you are summoned! Over.

Fleet Communications Officer [through speaker]: Yeah? What the fuck do you want now? Over.

Commander: Um…we need to order all ships in the fleet to send their crews into the cryo-chambers for the next 1.7 parsecs. Please ensure that the Operations Officers on all ships have tested the feeding tubes and hydration lines first. Over.

Fleet Communications Officer: Yeah, whatever. Listen, we’re caught up in a pretty intense game of poker over here at the moment, but I’ll get around to that when I have a minute.

Commander: Your insubordination is…unacceptable. We must have meat. We must have protein!

Fleet Communications Officer: Dude, I’m over it at this point. My whole family got wiped out during the last famine and I only took this job because I didn’t know where else to find a meal. But my belly is full for now and, like I said, we have a pretty lively card game in progress here. You’re just gonna have to sit on your dick for a while. But don’t worry, after I take all of the chips that these chumps have left I will fulfill your orders, sir.

Commander: Your insubordination is…completely…

Fleet Communications Officer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know your whole routine. Save your breath, you fat fuck. You don’t seem to be lacking in protein. Maybe we’ll just eat you.

Commander: Officer, you will not speak to me… [comms suddenly go dead]

Commander: Damn that man. Lackey #2, you are needed!

Lackey #2: Yes sir, your Illustrious Flawlessness.

Commander: Where is Lackey #1? Why do I not have my coffee yet? It has been almost two minutes. Run and get my coffee. If you get back with it before him you will be promoted to Lackey #1. You are skilled in the arts of fellatio, yes?

Lackey #2: Yes sir, it is part of the core curriculum at lackey school.

Commander: And you graduated from a properly accredited lackey school?

Lackey #2: I did indeed, your Beaming Spectacle of Purest Light and Brilliance.

Commander: Good. Now go.

Lackey #2: Yes sire, your most...Resplendent…Awesomeness.

Commander: That one was weak. You need to work on that one. After you get my coffee though. Run! Get it now!

Navigator: Sir, we have set our coordinates for the next destination, and we are prepared to shift into hyperdrive. When will the crew members of the fleet be ordered to their cryo-chambers?

Commander: Um, we are having some...technical difficulties on the comms. You will hear the notification when it is announced. Until then, remove yourself from my presence immediately.

Navigator: Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

Commander [into microphone]: Fleet Communications Officer, come in. Over.

Fleet Communications Officer [through speaker, after long delay]: I think I just explained to you that we are involved in a very intense game of poker over here. Highly emotional. Wait, hold on a minute. I’m in the middle of a hand and your annoying voice is really fucking with my concentration. [Speaking to someone else in the room.] All right, Charlie. I think you’re full of shit. You didn’t make that hearts flush on the river. I’m all-in with my…1575 in remaining chips.

Charlie [slightly muted, from somewhere farther away from the microphone]: Fuck. Thought I might buy that one. I'm out, you cunt.

Fleet Communications Officer [through speaker, laughing]: Okay, fat boy. As you can tell, this game is growing increasingly dramatic over here. Feelings are getting hurt. People are reaching their limits. All sorts of shit is going down. So what are you harassing me for now? This is growing tiresome, and I still have three players left at the table to bust out so I’m kinda busy at the moment. Try to make it quick.

Commander: Well...our Fleet Navigator wants to know when the crew members will be called to their cryo-chambers so we can shift into hyperdrive for the remainder of our voyage to the next planet.

Fleet Communications Officer: Look...I don’t know, man. Just go fuck off somewhere for a while and I will get to it after I clean these guys out. You are seriously harshing our whole vibe over here. [speaking to someone else in the room] Jimmy, pass that blunt already, man. What the fuck? Am I on your personal "pay me no mind list" or something like that? Give me that thing. You look like you're about to fall out of that chair.

Commander: Officer, hear me well! You will be facing serious disciplinary action when we…[comms suddenly go dead]

Commander: Damn that man! Where is my coffee?

Intelligence Officer: I am afraid I don’t have your coffee sir, but I was just passing through the galley on my way here and it appears that Lackey #1 and Lackey #2 engaged in a fight to the death for some reason. There is spilled blood and coffee everywhere. A real mess, sir. I notified Sanitation, of course.

Commander [into microphone]: Lackey #3 and Lackey #4! You are summoned to the bridge immediately!

Lackey #3 and Lackey #4 [simultaneously]: Reporting for duty as ordered, Commander!

Commander: Have you both graduated from a properly accredited lackey school?

Lackey #3 and Lackey #4 [simultaneously]: Yes, your most Faithful and Fearless Font of Strength and Leadership, sir!

Commander: Very good. Now run and get me my coffee! Puriataca blend with two servings of cream, one sweetener. Whoever gets back it with it first is the new #1 Lackey. Regardless, once you return you can stand quietly in that corner over there until I have time to instruct you on your new responsibilities. If you must converse during that time you may quietly share advice with one another regarding optimal fellatio techniques.

Commander [to Intelligence Officer now]: Officer, you may proceed with your report.

Intelligence Officer: Yes sir. I came here to tell you that we have increased our calculated level of confidence of a strong harvest at the next planet from 92.68% to 98.67% based on new data just transmitted back from the probes that we launched in advance of our fleet for this leg of the mission.

Commander: Finally, someone with some good news to share. What is the reason for this increased level of confidence?

Intelligence Officer: Well sir, this next planet is rich with biodiversity. The population of the apex species alone numbers more than eight billion, and many of these specimens are rich with fat-laden protein and it appears that they will be quite easy to subdue and mollify for the journey back home. They appear to be capable of great skill and intelligence on an individual basis, but in groups they invariably seem to lose all of that and sink to their lowest common denominator. It will be an easy vanquishing for us, sir. I am quite certain that you will be pleased with the outcome.

Commander: This is most excellent. We must have that meat. We must have the PROTEIN! Tell me, officer, what is the name of this planet?

Intelligence Officer: The planet’s name is “Earth”, sir.

Commander [closing his eyes and smiling, speaking in a soft whisper]: Well, that sounds...simply delicious.

THE END