Between Worlds

Julia was lead to the empty guest room in the Queen's castle. The nurse locked the door from behind. 

She wound up in the guest room after she’d taken more narcotics. She’d recently been in her bed in her crowded apartment where she'd lost all feeling. Then she saw herself standing in front of a woman who called herself the Queen. 

‘I want you to stay in my place until it is your time to be born. You will have to find the key in order to find your way to birth,” the Queen said. 

Julia wandered around in the empty room and looked for something to help her sleep. She hurt all over but couldn’t find any oxycontin or Norco.  She really needed a dose of morphine. She banged on the door and yelled she needed to go to the hospital for migraine treatment, but no one came. Julie crawled back into bed and put the covers over her. Maybe she could just sleep it off. That’s what she did when she was at home. Maybe she’d wake up and she'd still be in her small apartment. She was about to get evicted anyway, or maybe she had already been evicted, but she thought she had died after the last overdose. 

The nurse finally opened the door. 

“Where I am?” 

“You are in the castle of lost souls where you must find your way out of the room. Once you are born, you will be free,” the mail said. 

“But I was already born. And I think I died. Why am I stuck here? Sure, I’m Catholic, but this isn’t anything like Purgatory. “ 

The maid’s lip quivered. 

“Real life never goes completely by any book. And people get books all mixed up anyway. This isn’t the Inferno or the Bible. And you aren’t dead or alive. You never were.  Now you have a chance to experience birth.: 

Julie sighed. 

“I don’t want to go through it all again.” 

“But you spent the last ten years of your life sleepwalking through your life. You died after you lost your last job and just gave up.” 

The mail left after she opened the blinds.  The light hurt Julie’s eye. 

A tear rolled down Julie’s cheek. She thought about when she was a little girl and full of ambition.  After the nurse left, Julie heard the cries of babies.  She looked out of her window and saw tiny souls finding little human bodies.  She wondered where the babies went and hoped they were all welcomed to the world with open arms.  Julie went to the window and tried to open it. So, she must find a way out. 

Flashbacks filled her thoughts on a daily basis. she saw the little baby screaming at the hospital. Then the baby girl crawled around on the floor towards her piggy bank and she remembered the teddy bear she received for her first Christmas gift. 

The baby girl grew fast.  She went from childhood to adolescence in a matter of years.  When she was a child, she spent days anticipating the freedom of adulthood and when she was an adult, she missed the security and wonder of childhood. 

Then there were those life or death moments.  She didn’t realize it at the time and was too late to grasp the one moment when another birth might’ve been possible. 

She wandered from day to decade and spent many hours asleep.  She chased after the ghosts of relationships.  She had a friend who never returned her phone calls or messages, but the friend always said she’d loved her.  The man she’d dated for nine years passed away and told her to have a happy life. “It’s not a bad life,” he said. 

And it wasn’t. She’d traveled to Spain and Germany. She saw castles and Niagra falls. There were eternal moments when she went on her daily walks and watched the deer and cardinals. 

Then her dear cat, the red tabby passed away.  That was the only creature she ever really loved other than Wayne. 

The tabby had cancer. She had the cat for fifteen years and the cat would lick the tears off her face. 

She had hoped that she would get to see Isis again during rebirth, but she didn’t know how to get out of the room in order to experience that moment. 

Ghosts entered and exited the room. She heard former friends, family, and teachers urging her to develop her potential. 

Then she lost her job after she had a stroke and nearly died. Her friend paced up and down the hall. 

“It’s because of all those fucking medications.” 

Julia kept all the painkillers, sedatives, and antidepressants locked up in a safe. Her friend wanted to blow up the safe, but Julia insisted she was keeping the meds away from her roommate. 

Julia was hospitalized, she tried teaching classes from her hospital bed but was so high on morphine, she couldn’t remember what she taught.   Later that year, the dean sent her a certified letter saying her position had ended and Julia was denied the opportunity to file for tenure. Her colleagues and roommate tried to help her, but Julia chose to stay in bed all day.  

“Julia, there’s always something going on with you,” one of her colleagues said. “We’re just tired.” 

Julia’s roommate kicked her out and asked her not to look back. She winced when her former roommate had yelled,” No one likes you here,” as she was indeed blackballed. 

When she got on the plane to return to her home state of Texas, she dreamed about a non-academic career. She had no reason to look back and never wanted to go back to SC again. Why did her colleagues all ghost her at the end? 

Julia kept going to doctors and having surgeries. she had a hernia surgery, foot surgery, breast reduction surgery, and spent most of the day in bed. Julia filed for Disability after she had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She continued to take copious amounts of sedatives,opioids, and stimulants.  Her mother begged her to get out of bed and get a job. 

Julia still kept in touch with her roommate who frequently had meltdowns and accused Julia of not being a real friend. 

“You’ve given up on life,” Mattie said. 

Every time they planned an outing, it never happened because of Julia’s ailments. 

Mattie still had trust issues after the roommate's meltdown. Julia’s friends and family begged her to get off the medications and get moving. Julia had one excuse after another. She spent most of the day sleeping and claimed she couldn’t wake up at night.  Mattie was her only friend’ even though Mattie frequently sent her messages saying she was contemplating terminating the relationship. It was like a ghost friendship. The two women talked about all the things they wanted to do but would never happen. Mattie knew they wouldn’t be able to see each other and just wanted to distance herself after the pandemic was over. 

After Julia’s last surgery, she wound up in the empty guest room. She called out for her painkillers and sedatives, but no one came.  The intense pain moved throughout her body. Even though people thought she was a malinger or a possible Munchausen's case, Julia didn’t think any of them were educated about her disorders.  And what difference did it make if her former colleagues and friends had lost respect for her? She would write a book. She would get a better-paying job outside of academia.  She would get the attention and care she needed from the hospital. That was always her prerogative. 

Julia had been in the hospital for a month. She didn’t want to leave. Her mother stayed by her bedside and prayed. Her sister cried.  Julia believed they were trying to hurt her.  She complained about every lung and limb and panicked whenever the doctors discussed discharging her. She had gained more weight and was bloated from all the steroids. She was experiencing horrible withdrawal symptoms from the psychiatric drugs. The doctors were alarmed about all the medications she had been taking. 

““I want to go back home,” Julia said the next time the nurse walked in. 

“But why dear? You have no job. No friends. No career prospects.  You are in a place where you can enjoy a twilight type of sleep.” 

Julia sat up in bed. 

“But I miss my family.” 

“You never saw your family.” 

Julia cried. 

“Now dear, it will be okay. You won’t have to do anything as long as you’re our guest.” 

“Where do I go next?” 

“Well, that depends on you. The only way out of the guest room is to die, but you cannot kill yourself. You have to find life in order to go onto the next phase of life. You never lived your life. You see, in life, people don’t always get many chances. And those who keep doing the same things over and over again, are lucky if they can find the key.  You spent so much time being ill because you wanted to be ill.” 

Julia mumbled something. It wasn't fair. She really had been sick and needed all of the medications. 

“I want my mom. I want Mattie.” 

“They can’t help you now. It’s up to you.”  The nurseclosed and locked the door. 

Julia forced herself out of the bed. She tried some simple stretches she’d learned in physical therapy. 

Then she felt numb and went back to bed.  She woke up again and looked around the room for a window.  She missed the view she had at Mattie’s and missed when they’d sit on the porch and listen to the chickadees during the afternoon when the sun made everything around them golden.  Maybe the garden they planted was there and little pieces of her were seeds waiting for their annual debut. 

She missed driving under the canopy of wisteria on her way to work and most of all, she missed Chica, the orange tabby who had shown nothing but unconditional love. She’d loved the cat more than anyone or anything and wondered whether or not Chica lived on in another life.  Chica’s various monikers included: higher being, and doctor cat. Chica would comfort Julia after her numerous medical procedures and was always by her side.   A year before she lost her job, Chica got ill and she had to put her down.  Chica had been with her for eighteen years. But Julia understood how a body was so fragile and not meant for immortality.  There was a time when she could run six miles a day and work out six days a week. All of the meds and surgeries destroyed what energy she had left, and she needed her illnesses. 

Julia paced the thin, green room not meant for a human  There were no hints for escape. She couldn’t entertain herself. All she could do was eat and take the pills that the nurse offered her. 

“Please let me out,” Julia screamed. 

The nurse walked back into the room. “Do you want something to help you sleep?” 

Julia yawned and shook her head. She’d never turned away medications before, but she wanted to feel something.  Maybe if she was awake, she’d find a way out of the guest room.  She couldn’t stay in that place forever

 She could watch the world from a distance but could not leave the small guest room unless she found the key.  The queen told her she was a guest for a long as Julia chose to stay there.  Julia squinted and saw a door down a long hallway. But where would she find a key? 

Then she looked up and saw chica running towards the window. The pain of loss made Julia feel alive for a moment. 

“come back.” Julia would never run again. Her body had been through so much abuse.  Just before Julia grabbed the cat, Chica found a window and jumped so high she was flying. 

Tears rolled down her face, but she knew Chica wasn’t suffering anymore. 

“I love you,” she said.  Now she felt more alive. 

Then she a glistening key hanging from Chica’s mouth.  Julia ran after Chica. Chica opened the window.  Julia went through the window and felt herself falling. Chica disappeared into the clouds.  She would never get her and couldn’t go where chica was. Then Julia heard a loud crash. She hovered over her body that was in her cluttered apartment no one ever came to visit. No one knew whether or not she was dead or alive.

She shook her body.  Then she saw Chica run through the room and disappear again.  

The sleeping body would not wake.   Julia knew she’d never run again, but one day she would fly. 

There are other ways of honoring love than by calling it true.  She saw the orange tabby and went after it. The window opened, and Julia chased Chica to the stars.