CONFESSIONS

             THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER

         A green-eyed monster resides in me. I actually do not know its gender, you have the obligation of establishing this fact. I don’t know how long this ugly horned creature has lived here but I am a hundred and one percent sure that as a young girl it wasn’t here or could there be a possibility that I was still innocent or better ;still naive .I believe that perhaps my mother served me with this monster in a silver platter. Have you heard of Herodias’ daughter who requested for the head of Zachariah’s son on a silver platter? Well, the gift I received from my father on my born day was this ugly creature/thing? Wrapped  in an equally ugly gift bag .Mind you birthdays never existed for me .Why me? I am the mathematical symbol of one plus one. The firstborn-a daughter came after waiting for a child after ten plus years of saying “I do.” So, you see the joy of the couple-a bouncing baby girl. Here I come after three good years. You should have seen their faces on realizing that their pre-term child was a  girl not their much anticipated son.I was almost abandoned in the incubator. The man sulked and left after making the longest click ( The one that should be recorded in the genesis book of records .The woman in tears stopped pressing her mammary so, the new-born baby would  starve  . You know the expected end results don’t you? Well that didn’t happen .I survived after all. If you want proof of a Supreme Omnipotent Being, go to the hospital, visit the maternity wing, move further into the nursery, observe the tiny persons wrapped in cotton wool in the incubator. Then, compare them to me, a weighty person with over fifty Christmases’                 .                                

               If it was in this period, the expectant mum would have visited the ante Natal clinic got the ultra sound results, realized it was a girl then plan to flush the poor foetus out. All the same after getting out of hospital, mum abandoned me with Dad and his second wife. He had to get  a co-wife for my mum. He was avividly searching for an heir to pass his legacy to the next generation. A girl cannot. It’s against their tradition .Silly ,isn’t it? I thought so too. The first daughter is always “Daddy’s  girl, you are well aware of that, don’t you? She is the princess, mummy adores her too. She gets too much of unnecessary attention. She gets what she wants promptly. She may throw tantrum ,then the follower is blamed for hurting her. A step brother was borne to my step mum a few months before me. Therefore, the large family had a prince and a princess. I became the spectator in their games, and audience to their drama and a judge against any mistreatment. The thing living in me was getting well nourished. Mum had a near fatal still birth after me. Yet  another girl was experience made her change her attitude toward her last born a girl. She was petted, dotted and extremely loved. In fact her known name was BABY. This is where my mum got her famous identity: MAMA BABY. This is the reason for my ever serious visage. I’m not complaining though. This serious face has become my trademark, my brand. Even if they nickname me fish (A fish never smiles).I don’t mind. So if a friend waves to me in her new sleek Mercedes Benz, the monster makes my adrenalin rush, bile pushes its bitter taste from my pancreas to my tongue., my heartbeat becomes fast , I can’t breathe my hand becomes too heavy for me to wave back then she doesn’t blame my attitude on the monster

                       This invincible hateful being has at times been my source of embarrassment. Take a seat and hear me out. I had very cunning neighbours in the flat. Their children were the age mates of my children. Every evening the woman would be heard talking to her children:

            “Serve the fish first”

            “Chicken soup is very healthy, drink plenty of it.”

              “Put plenty of beef stew.”

                 During this period, we could smell chicken feathers burning. During such occasions, the  monster would take me to my bedroom to cover my ears with the heaviest blankets. She made sure that she interrupted our peace. This incorrigible monster has made me lose a privilege of a lifetime. I was invited to train some children on writing stories (sometimes I get opportunity to teach English) I feigned sickness. Why? I felt my counterpart would benefit from my skills. The organizers of the training; a major publishing house, awarded the facilitators cheques worth fifty shillings each. I missed this and regretted deeply. I hope you know that regrets do not solve anything. 

             Do you think the monster hurts my enemies only? NO the first and major victim is me. Nobody will stop being successful because I will feel hurt. Not at all. Rather, success will always evade me. It will dread me like a plague. Whenever the monster overwhelms me, the heart has to pump the blood into the veins. Thus I end up having headache and my blood pressure rise. I often end up having sleepless nights just because a colleague has a beautiful body. I have partners in the monster. Some of partners existed during the Post – Neolithic period. Biblical Joseph was sold by his brothers because Jacob, his father loved him (Joseph) than them. The first murder occurred because my partner in the monster-Cain, acted after  YAHWEH favoured his brother’s (Abel) sacrifice. In Hindu Dritarashtra, Duryodhana and Karna are my partners in the monster.

            I burnt bridges. I hid in pretence and closed all the avenues leading to me. Since I was courting this evil being, I avoided anything that would assist the next person. My intimacy with this invisible yet ugly thing made me a witch. Yes, a witch. Don’t doubt this. Don’t look at me and think that because I put on an ankle-length dress, tie a scarf on my head concealing my lob less ears and attend church regularly that I am holy. No, in fact the church is my refuge. Today, I stand before you to confess my evil deeds. Today I send the monster away .I apologize for not saving the lives of the twins, Jonah and Judah in the inferno which engulfed their grass-thatched house even when I had all the ability to. I send the monster away to Hades. I want to start all-over , Will you please find a place| in your heart to forgive and accept me back?