The Bigfoot Society of Scranton Monthly Meeting

“Good morning, everyone, and happy new year! The first 2021 meeting of The Bigfoot Society of Scranton will now come to order. We’ll start by welcoming new members Marshall and Lisa. Marshall, what beings you here today?”

“I’ve been a believer ever since I was ten and my family went camping at Raccoon Creek. One night I got up to pee and I saw a large, hairy, two-legged creature walk through our campsite and disappear into the bushes. My sister says it was just our dad sneaking a cigarette but I know what I saw. She’s been teasing me about it for the last 20 years. I’m looking forward to proving her wrong!”

“I think we all have someone we’d like to prove wrong. Lisa?”

“I used to think people who believed in Bigfoot and stuff like that were loons. My aunt says she’s seen the Jersey Devil, and she crochets clothes for her cats and takes them for walks in baby strollers.”

“In all fairness, your aunt probably is a loon. True believers know the Jersey Devil was hunted to extinction in the 1920s. That’s why we have a strict “no kill” policy. The Bigfoot Society of Scranton fiercely dedicated to defending the right of these magnificent creatures to live in peace!”

“Okay, Andy, you’re already club president. You can stop campaigning now.”

“Ha, ha, Good one Steve! That’s the kind of good natured ribbing you’ll find among your fellow members, Lisa. Please continue.”

“Anyway, I dated a guy who was really into Bigfoot and showed me all this proof. We broke up and while I don’t miss his snoring or his inability to hit the toilet I do miss talking about Bigfoot with people who don’t think I’m ‘cat lady’ crazy.” 

“Thank you, Lisa, that was beautifully said. Now down to business. We will now hear status reports on our latest investigations. Pete, you’re up.”

“Thanks, Andy. I followed up on the November 4th sighting in East Freedom, the one where one Jasper Cunningham and his son Hank spotted a creature matching Bigfoot’s description while fishing. I met with Hank and he verified his dad’s initial report. He gave me photos of where the incident took place, but refused to tell me where it is because it’s their secret fishing spot. I tired to get it out of him with every persuasion tactic I learned on the force but he was the most stubborn eight-year-old I’ve ever met. He even resisted the Oreo offensive. I’ll have my full report uploaded to the database by Monday.”

“Great! Chris, you’re next.”

“I responded to the November 10th sighting in Bradford. One Brenda Vasquez claimed that Bigfoot was knocking over her trash cans at night. I took her statement, then examined the area and took pictures as per standard operating procedure. The only evidence I found were some raccoon tracks, but Ms. Vasquez insisted that what she saw was too big to be a raccoon. She then called me on the 12th and said Bigfoot was at her house. When I got there she said I had just missed him. She showed me tufts of fur and scat as proof, but it was obvious that it came from her golden retriever.”

“Well, we all know that in our line of work you’re going to encounter the occasional crackpot. We’ll mark this a false sighting. Your turn, Jim.”

“I responded to the November 22nd sighting in Spring Mills. I met the witness at the jogging trail where the encounter allegedly took place. He led me to a secluded area, flashed a knife and demanded my wallet. I propose we revisit adding the buddy system to the official rules of investigation.”

“We’ll add that to the next meeting’s agenda. That’s it for investigations, let’s move on to new sightings. Charlene, the floor is yours.”

“Thanks, Andy. Since our last meeting we’ve received twelve reports of sightings and encounters submitted by vigilant citizens throughout Pennsylvania. You’ve all received copies of each report, including any accompanying maps, photos or sketches. We’ll go through them one by one and decide on whether they’re credible enough to warrant further investigation. First, we have the December 9th sighting in Cabot. Does anyone have any doubts they’d like to discuss? Brian?”

“I just don’t believe that Bigfoot would be using a cell phone like the witness claims.”

“It doesn’t say he was using a cell phone. More like examining it, trying to figure out what it was.”

“But where would he find a cell phone in the middle of the woods?”

“It was near a picnic area. Someone probably left it by accident.”

“Please, who forgets their cell phone?”

“It happens! I don’t know where mine is half the time.”

“Okay, let’s put it to a vote. All those who believe this is a credible sighting raise your hand. I count fourteen, which is enough for a follow up. We now assign an investigator to the case. Any volunteers? Thanks, Jolene. Now on to report number two. Since it was submitted by someone named Jack Off and just reads, ‘get a life losers,’ I think it’s safe to trashcan this one. On to number three, The December 16th sighting in Westover. Any doubts? No? Who’d like to field this one?”

“I will. I’m going to my nephew’s first birthday party in Westover next week. Might as well have something to look forward to.”

“Okay, Kenny gets Westover. On to the number four, the December 31st sighting in Logansport. Any doubts? Yes, Wendy?”

“The guy says he was walking home from a bar at two o’clock in the morning. I hardly call that a credible witness.”

“He sounds credible to me. His description of Bigfoot’s appearance and behavior seems pretty accurate.”

“So? He could have read about that anywhere, even on our own website.”

“I agree. And Bigfoot would never be wandering around such a densely populated suburb. They tend to stick close to the forest.”

“It was pretty late at night. Maybe it was a juvenile Bigfoot. Young, inexperienced ones have about as much sense as your average teenager.”

“I might be more inclined to believe it if the witness had included some pictures or sketches, but this one looks pretty half-assed to me.”

“Okay, let’s put it to a vote. All those who think this is a credible sighting raise your hand. That’s seven, so into the ‘unconfirmed’ file it goes, to be revisited if and when new evidence comes to light. Now on to number five, the January 2nd sighting in Freeport. It basically reads like Bigfoot porn with a few crude sketches thrown in, so I think we can follow our rule of thumb that sightings of Bigfoot copulating with anything is more of a fetish than a credible sighting and can go straight into the trash. Any objections? Alright, in that case we can also trashcan numbers six, seven, nine, and twelve. Numbers eight and eleven are more of the ‘get a life losers’ variety, so if there are no objections they go into the bin as well. That just leaves number ten, the January 5th sighting near Hershey. Any doubts? Mike?”

“I don’t think it’s any coincidence it’s near the amusement park. The witness probably saw a guy in a costume.”

“Possible, but it’s also possible Bigfoot was lured there by the smell of chocolate.”

“I’ve never heard of chocolate being found in Bigfoot scat.”

“And besides, an amusement park is too noisy and crowded. It’s enough to keep me away.”

“Okay, let’s vote. Raise your hand if you think it’s worth investigating. Okay, it squeaks by with the minimum requirement of ten votes. Who wants to handle this one? All yours, Stan. That’s it for new sightings. Andy?”

“Thanks, Charlene. Next, Joe has some news about our expedition to the Delaware Water Gap in August.”

“Bad news, everyone. I just found out that the Bigfoot Society of West Orange has reserved campsites the same weekend as us.”

“No way!” 

“Are you kidding me?”

“They think they’re so smart just because Thomas Edison died there!” 

“Tell me about it! Those guys are idiots! If Bigfoot walked up to them and peed on their heads they’d say it was raining!”

“Settle down, everybody! Remember that our groups share the same goals. We should be supporting each other. Therefore I propose we move up our expedition by one week. That way we can get our research done without distraction, and they’ll be free to bungle through the forest destroying evidence and scaring Bigfoot deeper into the woods to their heart’s content. It’s win-win.”

“Well, when you put it that way…”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I’m supposed to take the family to DisneyWorld that week, but I can move it.”

“Good. Finally, Sheila has an update on our GoFundMe campaign to finance the expedition to Nepal to hunt for Bigfoot’s cousin, the Yeti.”

“We received an additional $45 this week, bringing the total to $899. Combined with regular bake sales and car washes, we should be fully funded by October 2032.”

“Excellent. Well, that wraps up this month’s meeting. Goodnight everybody, and as always, remember to keep your eyes, ears, minds and hearts open, never stop believing, and stack the chairs before you leave. See you next time!”