The Oblivious Proposals

My girlfriend, Laura, might just be the most oblivious person ever, especially when it comes to herself. Last year was the big 3-0. I set up a huge surprise party with all of her friends and family. She came into the party room with a friend, talking through the moment everyone yelled surprise. Laura later asked, when we were cleaning up afterwards, who the party was for. She was shocked when I told her it was all for her! 

I then spent all spring planning for an amazing beach proposal for my amazing Laura. Every year, Laura’s family goes to their beach house in Cape Charles at the end of the Delmarva Peninsula. I went all out on the planning. I involved her family and friends in the planning. I asked her uncle to fly his small plane and a banner that read “Will you marry me, Laura?” We planned a flash mob with all her family and friends with the end of the song coinciding with the plane fly-over and me on one knee in front of her. So what actually happened? The song started, and she went off to the bathroom. I ended up kneeling in front of an empty spot with all of her friends and family wondering where Laura was. They tried to start up the flash mob again when she came back, but she tripped over the cord and was heard to whisper, “Thank God that song’s over.” 

This time, I’ve got backup upon backup upon backup planned. Literally, I’ve got a list of ten proposal plans. This Christmas will end with Laura and I engaged, one way or the other. 

Attempt #1: This was supposed to be #4 on the list, but the kids set up early. I asked Laura to accompany me to our favorite restaurant. On the way home, I set up multiple proposal opportunities. The last one ended up being first. 

I bribed the neighbors’ kids to set up a snow fort. In front of the fort, I asked them to “write” (with colored water) “Will you marry me, Laura?” Then I asked the kids to pelt Laura with snowballs so she would notice. I even put a pile of snowballs by our front door so Laura could pelt them back if she desired. 

What actually happened was: once we got outside of our apartment, Laura started laughing at the deluge of snowballs, put her purse above her head, and ran to the car! She dashed inside the car and never noticed the writing in the snow. 

Attempt #2: I took Laura to our favorite restaurant. I went for a classic proposal by asking our waitress to put the ring in a glass of champagne. Laura took one sip of the champagne, declared her hatred of the bubbly drink, and asked for dessert. She didn’t notice the ring at the bottom of her glass. 

When it was time to leave, the waitress asked Laura if she had enjoyed the champagne. Laura said, “If by enjoy, you mean absolute detestation, then yes.” The waitress hid the ring in the bill envelope. I tipped heavily for the unsuccessful proposal. 

Attempt #3: I asked our church choir to dress up as carolers and sing “Marry You” by Bruno Mars as we exited the restaurant. The choir started early. The couple exiting before us took advantage of the song choice; the man knelt down and proposed to his girlfriend right there in front of us. At least Laura noticed this one, but I couldn’t propose after that. It would’ve looked like I was trying to copy off the other couple!

Attempt #4: Every year, on Christmas Eve, Laura and I drive around different neighborhoods to check out the holiday lights. So I added lights into my proposal plans! I set things up with her parents beforehand: I would text her parents when we were close by. Her parents would wait until they saw our car pull up. Then, they would plug in the “Will you marry me, Laura?” sign. 

The reality: The lights in Laura’s parents’ neighborhood were usually spectacular, but this year they were kind of dull. Once we pulled up to her parents house, Laura declared boredom and asked to go home, not noticing the brilliant flashing proposal sign. 

Attempt #5: I had put a proposal plan into a holiday radio station that Laura and I listened to often. At 8 o’clock, I requested that they play the first song Laura and I have ever danced to, then say something like, “Laura, the person sitting next to you has something very special to say.” But, of course, things didn’t pan out that way. 

I turned on the car radio at 7:50pm. We were pretty close to our apartment, so I started driving pretty slowly, pointing out the various Christmas lights along the way. Laura started singing along to the Christmas carols; I joined in with a high-pitched voice that made Laura laugh hysterically. We pulled into our parking spot at 7:58pm singing and laughing loudly. The last song ended; the anticipation was palpable. The radio jockey started to say, “Laura, it’s your lucky night! …” Laura kissed me tightly on the lips and whispered, “I hate ads. Wanna get away?” She opened the door and the radio shut off.

Attempt #6: Every Christmas Eve, I dress up as Santa Claus and Laura dresses up as Mrs. Claus. We watch a movie or two, sitting down with some hot cocoa and peppermint bark. Then we put as many gifts as we can under the tree and in each other’s stockings until we can’t stand it anymore. Last year’s record was 4 gifts total before we found ourselves engaged in some fierce kissing and foreplay. This year, I hid the most important gift in Santa’s pocket for Laura to find, but the clothes were gone far too quickly for the ring to be discovered. I spared a moment to check that the ring was still in the pocket before getting lost in Laura’s warm embrace as the clock struck midnight.

Attempt #7: I awoke several hours later to the smell of bacon and Laura’s mom’s famous French Toast Casserole. I noticed that Laura had already put her gifts beneath the Christmas tree, so I did the same before going into the kitchen to help Laura. I put Laura’s very special gift in the back. 

Upon entering the kitchen, Laura made a face and demanded that I go shower. I took a sniff, too, and agreed with the desperate need to shower. But during my delightfully warm shower, Laura called up the stairs to interrupt, saying her mom was requesting that we arrive early. We had just enough time to get on our church clothes and eat a hurried breakfast before we were out the door. I had to pretend that I had forgotten my wallet so that I could go back inside and grab the little present, abandoning the idea that I would propose at home during present-opening time. 

Attempt #8:  I did not really expect this proposal idea to work, but at this point, I was willing to try anything. We met Laura’s parents, sister and her family, and brother and his family at their Catholic Church for mass. I had never been to mass before. Laura and I went to a nondenominational church close to our apartment that served the local community. My thoughts: Surely there would be some important moment during the service where I could kneel down and propose to Laura like during one of the moving worship songs or Christmas carols or during a moving part of the pastor’s sermon. 

Oh, how wrong I was.

Every minute was choreographed and foreign. One minute we were standing, the next kneeling, the next sitting still and quietly. I felt lost and distracted by all the bobbing and kneeling. At no point did I find a moment to propose to the love of my life.

Attempt #9: After mass, Laura’s whole family made their way to Laura’s parents house. I was glad to see that Laura’s parents had left the lights from one of the previous proposal attempts in the front yard, clearly visible for everyone (except Laura, of course). Even Laura’s three-year-old niece Grace noticed the sign and tried to read it to her Aunt Laura. “U-u- eell y-oo m-ar-ee me Lucy?” Laura’s sister and brother-in-law were sniggering nonstop at Laura’s ignorance as Laura nodded at Grace saying, “Uh-huh. That’s right. What a good little reader you are!” without once looking at what Grace was reading. 

Inside, the delightful smells of good food, wine, and company permeated the whole house. Laura’s mom had started cooking weeks ahead of time, freezing food as necessary for a Christmas morning cooking time. Laura’s mom also had pre-lunch activities to entertain the children (and younger adults). One of Laura’s favorite activities was the hunt for the pickle ornament. The finder gets an extra Christmas present. 

Laura’s dad had all 5 kids, their parents, and Laura and I line up in the living room, giving the kids a little bit of a head start. Laura’s siblings and in-laws knew that one of the “presents” was in fact Laura’s engagement ring. Traditionally, we searched the four Christmas trees where one pickle ornament was hidden in each. There was always a mad rush to find the pickle and get the extra present. This year, the sets of parents stirred their children to different trees and left one of the trees to Laura and I. I found the pickle pretty quickly at the bottom of the tree but feigned being unable to find it. Laura was apparently doing the same thing. When one of the older kids came over, Laura whispered in his ear and pointed out the pickle ornament. He was so excited to find the ornament that my frustration vanished on the spot. In no time, the other three ornaments were found and my penultimate proposal opportunity was lost.

Attempt #10: After lunch, it was time to open presents. Laura’s family has a tradition where everyone sits in a circle next to their giant pile of presents. Then we open them, one at a time, going from youngest to oldest. Generally the family opened the gifts from largest to smallest as well. This worked out perfectly for me!

I eagerly waited the half hour it took for the kids and adults to go through their first twenty or so presents each. I and the other in-laws had just finished. The kids were bored with the waiting and had started to play with some of their toys. I handed Laura a small flat gift and said, “Open this one next.”

The other adults quieted down and looked nonchalantly at Laura. Laura opened her present while laughing at one of her nieces trying to figure out her new present. Laura got the wrapping paper off and looked at me strangely. “It’s a book…”, she said without enthusiasm. She made so as to put it down, but her sister said, “Look at it first, you nimwit.”

The front cover was titled, “While you weren’t looking” and had a picture of Laura. The subsequent pages had pictures of all my previous proposal attempts (the latter ones had been printed on her parents’ printer while the family had enjoyed dessert). There were also QR codes at the bottom of each page with little videos from a special person helping out with each proposal attempt. Her uncle recorded a message as he was flying the proposal banner. The radio jockey recorded his proposal message going out over the radio. I hit airplay on her parents Apple TV so the family could enjoy every minute. The last page held several QR codes with little videos of friends and family. 

My favorite was the one with her sister saying, “Laura, you won the lottery with this one. My darling Dan never would’ve stuck around after so many failed proposal attempts. Start paying attention!”

On the back was a picture of me holding out the tiny present that housed the ring that would change our lives forever. I had practiced getting the position just right so the picture would look the same from her perspective as reality. Laura took her time staring at the picture, then staring at me, back and forth for a good five minutes. Laura’s sister cleared her throat and Laura came to. 

Finally, finally, I asked the question, “Will you marry me, Laura?”

And finally, finally, she said, “Yes.”