Letting the cat out of the bag

Special Agent Report to the High Commission dated 30th July 2021.

This is my verbal report recorded on my Canaphone 27 device to the high commission. This report details my study of the female black British short haired cat, Midnight, and the female tabby cat, Autumn, who reside at 19 Kingswood Drive, Attica Falls, Isle of Man. 

As you are aware I have been tasked with studying the feline language over the last five years. 

To most others, cats do not appear to communicate. However, with each subtle twitch of their whiskers and ears, and with the slightest movement of their tails or blinking of their eyes, they do indeed “speak”, and not just speak…

…but plot. 

I can confidently say that I am now fluent in “feline” and as such I am qualified to provide this report. I have managed to keep my knowledge of their language a secret from them but if they do find out, I fear for my own safety and as such it is imperative that this report is held in the strictest confidence. I have the utmost trust that the high commission will do everything in their power to not only protect me, but to stamp out the very serious threat that I am about to impart. 

My study culminated on Saturday 24th July 2021 as I sat on the sofa and studied the conversation they were having. 

The parties present during the conversation were Megan, Josh, and little Jessie and Emma, and myself. 

Autumn was sitting in a shoe box on the coffee table and Midnight stood next to her, licking her own paw. A series of ear, tail and whisker twitches took place between them which I memorised and repeat here now. For the sake of convenience, I will not repeat the individual movements which led to my interpretation, unless relevant, and I trust you will take my word that this is an accurate translation.

Midnight communicated first.

“Your Highness Zudorgo 8th of Kordobia. I met with the local assembly of felines last evening. Everything is going according to plan and we have now infiltrated 43 percent of the habitations in the world.”

Autumn then said “Excellent, Agent Shorofsky Oberon 9th, descendant of the house of Torobor. I trust that we still have an issue with the canines?" 

At that point, Autumn glanced at me on the sofa so I looked at the television to pretend that I wasn’t interpreting what they were saying. 

As soon as she thought I wasn’t looking, I looked back. Midnight was part way through a sentence.

“…and we have junior agents at the animal sanctuaries sabotaging their chances of adoption, your Majesty. However, there is still a higher percentage of canines in human habitations. Our experts don’t believe they are a threat due to their inferior intelligence, but we do have scientists giving advice now for our species to try to be friendlier to the humans.”

Autumn stood up in the shoe box and responded by twitching her left ear three times and straightening, then flicking her tail. “Friendlier? What on earth do you mean?”

Midnight responded, “our experts are saying that humans sometimes find us quite aloof. And that we should act more like we are their...” at this point Midnight stopped to sniff a sweet wrapper she hadn’t noticed before, then continued “…pets”. 

Autumn replied “Surely the humans must know that they serve us? Which of our experts are saying this! We will not bow to the level of canines with their inane constant yapping and jumping up at humans and the idiotic looks on their faces when they get the slightest treat or tummy rub.”

“I’m sorry your Majesty, I didn’t mean to offend you.” Midnight said, then added, “I quite like the occasional tummy rub, your Majesty.” At this point Autumn just stared at Midnight and I couldn’t discern any twitches, tail or ear movement, so I assume she was displeased with Midnight's last comment.

Midnight then said. “Anyway, that was the finding of our scientists, and the message that’s being passed to all assemblies.”

Midnight turned and rubbed against Josh’s leg, then turned back to Autumn.

“Oh, and another thing. You know when we scratch the living crap out of their sofas and curtains?”

Autumn closed her eyes slowly which means “Yes?” 

“Yeah, they hate that apparently. Who knew?” Midnight finished. 

At this point the conversation was interrupted as little Emma pointed a laser light at the floor, and Midnight and Autumn chased it around for several minutes. When the commotion had died down Midnight jumped into the shoebox and Autumn climbed onto the back of the sofa where Josh and Megan were sitting. They carried on communicating across the room. 

Please note that this part of the conversation is word for word what was communicated between them. 

Autumn communicated first:

“So is everything in place to destroy all humans and canines?” What is our anticipated timeline?”

Midnight said “ We are on track for around seven months time. The scientists are in the final stages of perfecting the toxoplasm which we can ingest and then inject with our claws. As you are aware it will be harmless to us, but lethal to the human and canine species.”

“And if we only live in 43 percent of the homes on the planet will that be enough?” Autumn responded.

At that point Megan retrieved a saucer from the kitchen and there was a hubbub of excitement as she poured a yellow bag of fish flavored cat treats out. This event took around ten minutes before Autumn and Midnight settled down and curled up on the rug in front of the fireplace where they continued their conversation. 

Midnight continued, “I did raise these concerns with the assembly chairman. Apparently the toxoplasm will be transmittable from human to human and from canine to canine so we only need to infect a small percentage of each species. Within three years we will be the dominant species on the planet.” 

Autumn licked her tail then looked at Midnight. 

“Excellent. Everything is in place then.” 

Midnight looked with wide eyes at Autumn and said “There is one issue, Your Majesty..”

“Which is?” she responded. 

“Well, there is a potential cure. A common ingredient that can be found in most homes.” 

“And what is that?” Autumn said.

At this point unfortunately, I need to end my report because Josh has just brought my lead from the hall to take me for “WALKIES!”

OH MY GOD! WALKIES! YES JOSH, YES, I’M A GOOD BOY! 

END OF VERBAL REPORT OF BUSTER

a.k.a. Special Agent Zanzibar Rubius Oppenheimer of the seventh house of Canus