Crack of Dawn

  I have everything I ever wanted, so why am I not happy? I have a gorgeous wife with bleached blond hair and a hot body, two boys who I can dress however I want. I even dye their hair to match their mother’s. We are the perfect family! Everyone sees us on social media and envies us. You see, I know how to have fun! It’s simple, you make a big deal out of everything possible! Trips, cruises, Disneyworld. Parties for every occasion. Live for the moment, they say! Work hard, play hard.

 I met my wife Pam in high school and we have been inseparable since. Starting grade 10, we took every class together right through university. She always wears heels, thanks to me. That’s all I ever buy her. Shoes for her birthday, shoes for Christmas and sometimes, when I find a sale, I just bring shoes home for no reason. You know, the way some guys bring flowers home. So cheesy! If you ask me there’s nothing that says I’m screwing around like bringing your wife flowers. One Christmas recently she asked for track pants and I said, ‘No way, then you’ll stop wearing heels’. I asked her to please just do this one thing for me and she did. Why would she want to change anything? I work and she stays home all day with the boys. I do everything for her. What could anyone in this world want more?

 High school was fun, I started bleaching her hair and buying her heels back then. She looks fantastic. Like a real life Barbie. She likes to have sex a lot but I don’t. It’s not that I don’t find her attractive, I do. It’s just, it kind of grosses me out… you know saliva and bodily fluids everywhere. Ick! So when we were in high school, I thought it would be a good idea to call in the boys! Well actually just one of our close friends, John. It was a brilliant move. I told her that it would turn me on to have John join us and I told John that Pam wanted it, that it was her fantasy. I am a brilliant manipulator.

 One night after work we met at my house and we all sat on the couch. My parents weren’t home. John leaned over and kissed Pam. Pam got up and went into the powder room. She was in there so long, it started to get awkward for me. I knocked on the door and told her to come out now! She didn’t listen. She can be so infuriating. About 30 minutes passed in total and she still wasn’t out. John went to the door and asked if she was okay? She answered, “You two go ahead”. So I pounded on the door and demanded she come out right now! She did and then we all got it on. John and I had hands all over her and she liked it. Then we took turns fucking her. She loved it.

 That went on for about a year! Pam was amazing. John and I would go down on each other and it all worked out quite nicely, in my opinion. That ended when we had our first child. Pam and I had gotten married on a boat in Toronto harbour. Great party, good food and all my family. Pam’s side barely showed up…probably because I ditched the invitations in the garbage. Ha, ha, ha…I’m awesome. I love that I can always get what I want. I am brilliant.

 When the baby came, I went off to work and she stayed home. She was an amazing mom. She dedicated every minute to her baby. She barely ever slept. Of course I didn’t get up with him at night because I had to work. Pam would sometimes embarrass me when we had friends over by falling asleep in the chair while talking to guests! Whenever we went out or had friends over, I began to provide her with feedback about the way she acted or things she said that were wrong. She sure got a talking to that night! The thing that bothers me most is when she takes her heels off at the door to someone’s house. To me, if the heels are gone, you are no longer dressed appropriately. It’s shameful and I tell her so.

 Pam tries hard to please me. Every night when I get home from work, before I can relax, I do a walk around the house and make sure everything is in its place. I always say I want to live in a Martha Stewart house. Pam tries to, but always fails. Dinner is always ready but it’s usually dry and overcooked by the time I get home, but I’m not complaining. I love dry chicken! On the weekends I do the cooking. I buy us some steaks and potatoes and barbeque them. I have a great recipe that everyone loves. I take two racks of lamb, put stuffing in the middle and tie them together. What presentation. I serve them with long stemmed baked carrots so everyone’s plate looks fantastic. My friends are so impressed. I’m practically perfect in every way, as Mary Poppins would say. Ha, ha, ha, I crack myself up!

 Chad is the performer I always wanted to be. He can sing and I put him in hip hop classes from age 3. It's the cutest thing. We go to his recitals twice per year. Sometimes I catch him one step behind the other dancers and I give him shit! He keeps trying and gets it eventually. I’m training him right. He is well rounded. He can sing, dance, ski and does well in school. I love watching him up on stage and the best part is the other parents afterwards coming up to congratulate us. We are awesome. We look great. What more could a guy want?

 One day, after we returned from my sister’s Thanksgiving lunch that she totally ruined. I was giving Pam a talking to about the playpen in the living room. I decided it was time for it to go. The baby, could do without it. He was 12 months. I started to discuss it with her and she pushed back. Bitch! She said things like, how am I supposed to get the dishes done? What if he climbs the stairs when I’m busy in the kitchen? I told her too bad, she would need to figure that out. No baby gates in my house. I mean Martha Stewart would never!  So get this! Pam says, “Why are you rushing the kids to grow up? Soon these days will be done. They’ll be going off to university and then what? We’ll be left alone here in our perfect, empty house, just you and me?” I got so mad, I stood up and pushed her. How dare she talk to me like that! Chips and salsa sat on the table. I grabbed a handful and crushed them in my hand and then smooshed it into her fucking face. Chad and Scott came running from the basement. They had been watching tv. They stood there in shock while anger overtook me. I didn’t hit her. I just pushed her and yelled until the salsa bowl was empty. She was crying and ran to our bedroom.

 Get this, the next night she was giving me a foot bath as I watched Entertainment Tonight. Ha! I’ve got it made. Chad called me at work that day and said, if I touched Mom like that again, he would call the police. I said fair enough and life went on.

 I started to notice changes in Pam after I demanded she get a job to help pay for all the trips we go on. How was I supposed to live the way I needed to live on one income? She got an interview at a church we go to. After two long interviews she was hired as the administrative assistant. I couldn’t tell my friends that though so I made up a different title for the job; Business Manager. That sounds much better, don’t you agree?

 Pam started to talk about some guys that came in daily to clean the church. She said one was very sexy. I know she was just trying to get a rise out of me. One day, I came home at dinner time and she was dancing around the kitchen, so happy. We had been fighting a lot since Thanksgiving. So I asked her if she had gotten fucked that day. You should have seen her face. I started to wonder after that, but she kept me up to date. She would never do that to me. I once asked her to never leave me and she promised.

 Pam became much happier after that but more disobedient. I travelled often for work and one night I called her to say goodnight and asked her to please stay home and don’t go anywhere, as I always did. She paused, then told me after work she had gone out for lunch with the guys. She insisted that it was only lunch and nothing more. I absolutely freaked. The arguments increased. I began checking her phone for texts. I had to keep her under control! What if she embarrassed me? We had always been together and would always be together. I would never let her go. No matter what.

 She had the gall to invite Steve to her birthday dinner along with the new priest from the church. I thought we should have my friends over as usual, but she pushed it. Steve has a sensitive stomach so I cooked spicy hot jerk chicken, rice and beans even though she asked for lasagna. I do what I want. Fuck her! Steve showed up first. It turns out he just bought a house right down the street from us. What?! He walked over. I asked Pam to meet me in the kitchen and asked her if she had been to his house? She said of course not. I didn’t believe her, but we’d deal with that later.

 After that, we argued every day. She had changed. I told her, I had given her everything and asked why she couldn’t just be happy? She had everything. I had given her everything. How could this happen? We hadn’t had sex for 5 years. So one night, in the kitchen, I ripped her pants down and went down on her, she held my head and came. I scolded her, “Is this what you want?” Maybe this phase she was going through would end now. Then I caught her texting Jamie and yelled at her. I didn’t care if the kids heard. They should know that their mother is a whore. I would teach her, as I’d always done. I checked her phone nightly. There were no texts with the guys from the church.

 One morning, we were on our way to church and she plopped down on the stairs, clearly upset. Steve had texted her that his mother was dead. She called him immediately. She was so worried about him. I didn’t understand why? I told her it was time to get going to church. So what, some guy she knows mom is dead. Too bad, sucks to be him. Let’s go! Perfect families aren’t late for church! She wanted to text Jamie, who also worked at the church but I told her “No!” We argued until we got to church. She even wanted to go to the hospital to be with Steve. I considered it, but forbade her to go. We were going to be late for church! Afterwards she complained that as church secretary, she should have been the one telling the wardens. Instead, they were informing her. 

 I had to leave for work at 4 am one morning and I hadn’t checked her phone. I picked it out of her purse. I turned the phone on and found a text. It infuriated me. I screamed for her to get her ass downstairs now! She came sleepily. She saw me holding her phone. Her mouth formed a circle and then her eyes. She crossed her arms in defiance. I asked her what it meant. She sighed and said, “It means exactly what you think it means”. I pressed thumbs down in the middle of her phone and all my anger centred there. The phone broke in my hands cutting my flesh. I threw it into the backyard, on the pretty green, groomed lawn, flowers lining the yard perfectly. I called the boys from bed. Reluctantly they arrived with wonder in their eyes. I imagine they must have thought we were going on a surprise trip once again, but no, not this time. This time, I would expose their mother for the slut that she is. I told them what she had done. They looked at her in wonder and asked her “Why?” She sat in the same chair for the next 4 hours as I berated her. Telling her all the awful things she had done to me during our entire relationship. Making it clear that she had changed. Our goals had stayed the same, yet she had strayed from them. She was to blame for this. How could she do this to me? At the end of the 4 hours she got up to leave, asking if I was done yet. She hastily exited through the front door, shoeless. I chased after her. I needed to be the one to leave. The story could not be that she walked away. I told her to return to the house and I would leave. She did. Standing at the side of our bed watching  me pack a suitcase. I was leaving, not her!

 I arrived in Cozumel. I would show her. I don’t need her. She can rot alone. When I reached the beach, I saw all the families having fun and I could feel my heart breaking. Two days later, I realized I had done the wrong thing. I spent money I didn’t have and the happy families all around me were absolutely killing me! I had to get home. I called Chad and asked him for updates. He gave me the info I needed. We were definitely done. She had moved all her clothes and heels out and driven off. I booked the next flight home; more money I didn’t have.

 She went to a lawyer, so did I. We filed for a separation. I just couldn’t give her up. She was everything to me. How could she do this to me? Months passed by and she started getting angry when I wouldn’t sign the separation agreement. Why should I have to pay her anything? Pay for something I didn’t have anymore. No fucking way!

 I met someone. Downtown. Why shouldn’t I? I had no one to talk to. To bounce things off of. He introduced me to crack. It felt good. It allowed me to forget…for a while. The first time we did it, he understood that I just needed to be held. We woke up in each other’s arms, in a scummy motel room in Vaughan. It felt so good. I was getting away with something. Something just for me. I didn’t need Pam to be happy. I could find happiness on my own.

 Months went by and she complained about how long the process was taking. I convinced her to let me take our youngest to Cuba. She said, not until you sign the separation agreement. I told her I would but it never happened. I took him on an awesome trip. I stopped working shortly after that claiming stress leave so now I could experience the life I gave her. I walked our son to school and talked to the teachers and made lunches and I loved it. What the fuck was wrong with Pam? Why didn’t she just accept this gift that I gave her? Who wouldn’t want this?

 We went to a mediator and he asked if she would be willing to get a job. She answered that she always wanted a career and was going back to school. The lawyer looked at me, questioning my story. The one I had told him that drew her as lazy and stupid. The meeting ended abruptly. Fuck, I had been caught. It was downhill from there. She kept trying to get the damn agreement signed and I stopped any contact with the mediator. I increased my intake of crack. It was my only form of control. It’s the only time I felt peace. Peace and love baby. My lover and I would meet at first weekly, then twice a week. Getting high and falling asleep after messy sex. It was the best escape. I needed to escape. I am still in control. This is all I have left.

On August 3^rd, the day after our 23^rd wedding anniversary, Chad invited me to watch Breaking Bad as a fun father son time together. I agreed. As the show started and I saw the drugs being inhaled, I couldn’t take it. I apologized to our eldest and got up and left. I went to the motel that rented rooms by the hour and invited my lover there. Just as he texted that he couldn’t make it this time, I lit the pipe and sucked in the smooth puff of crack into my lungs. I had bought it at Jane and Finch. Rumour says it’s the best around. I finished the pipe and fell asleep. I still had control. I would forever have control. I fell into a glorious sleep at the crack of dawn and never awoke again. My funeral occurred on my 50^th birthday. Pam didn’t attend…

                                                 BY PAULA ANN FELDMAN

                                                 01/11/2022