Ashes to ashes...

The cancer is back. I don't think that I will dodge it this time. I am lucky in the first place, my oncologist said that I would be gone by now. Well, I longed to see my son return back from a mission in the pacific. He is back home healthy and vigorous. I envy his youth his unforseen future. My daughter in law is of course elated. My daughter took time off from college to witness my last days on earth. It all started when my wife died. I just knew that nothing was worth it anymore. I had worked so hard hoping that my wife and I would retire together and fly around the world like birds. I was disappointed I must say, when I did not have that opportunity to seal the end of our lives of youth together! She did not even get a chance to retire. She died getting ready to go to work. What a bad thing to happen to me and my kids. Then I had my youngest at home finishing his high school. He now is in college too, about to graduate and he won't be bothered with returning home. What home, a home of death and tears. We all cried because my wife's death was unexpected. Even with my cancer he just will not be bothered. I see his point, however, I had hoped that he would take over the day to day essentials of my business instead of me relaying on Maude, my loud mouthed Maude. She answers the phone and concludes all transactions just like I taught her.

I have a nurse who walks with me daily. I barely can stand her because she worries about my soiling myself which I don't, thank God! She feeds me all sorts of powdery substances. I keep telling her that I have terminal cancer, why does it matter if I eat fried chicken or boiled rice. When she speaks to me, she is loud as if there is someone recording our conversations. I would not be surprised, my kids might just be recording my last days on earth for their luncheons and beer mugs as they wonder about what was really on my mind in my last days.

I have a couple of grandkids. I don't think that they know who I am. They are so young they are literally newborns. I almost feel sorry that I will not see them grow up. Recently I am sure that I could not tell what time it was and what day it was. I think it might just be the new pills that the doctor gave me. He warned me that they have not been approved by the FDA. I am taking them anyway, even though I end up puking like I am seasick. I also black out. Once I was walking to the toilet and I fell and passed out. Of course my nurse was louder than usual as she struggled to scoop me up. Thank God I lost all that weight which I carried around my midsection. Those were the good old days. My appetite is now poor. I sometimes lose my hearing. So I miss listening to good music and a good soccer match on the radio. I miss my kids when they were young and manageable. I miss my wife. I miss driving my car. I miss it all. I feel like a bag of bones with medication and memories which are fibble and uncertain.

I am out of clean clothes. Usually my nurse leaves a bunch of sweatpants and sweatshirts on the edge of my bed. Today I do not seem to have any laid out for me. Maybe today is the day that I am supposed to take care of myself. My pills, where are my pills? Let me get my glasses. Oh Maude was here. She left a message that the nurse won't be coming in today. I must find my way. She made me a sandwich and some fruit and juice. I think I will need my walking stick. It is days like this that I wish I had a cat. It is raining no wonder the nurse did not drive up today. I live in a very remote location it is uphill and very difficult to find. A small car is not very good to drive up with. She could have asked me to meet her downhill. I still have my car. It is always full of gas because I hardly use it.

My legs are not giving me confidence that they can carry me today. I used to have a wheel chair, what is with me today, I feel weak!

"Hullow, Scott, I need to get my sweatpants and my sweat shirt. She did not come to work today and it is raining. Can you make it here? Or am I asking for too much."

"Alright, I will go back to bed until you get here. And bring the remote with you for the TV it is on the coffee table."

"I feel safe when I know that my son Scott is around. I wish he stayed with me and was around often. I am finally dozing off!....finally a dream... I see my mom... my dad... there is the ship that we once ..... that is a newspaper with the announcement of my marriage.... my school.... my kids... the funeral when my dad died.... I see both my dead parents beckoning me....I see the ocean... I see a beautiful girl... I see my wife with my newborn kids all of them... I see my first car... I see my dad in the hospital.... I hear a bell .. I am gone........

"Oh Scott, I thought I was not going to see you come in."

"Oh, hi dad, here are your clothes and your groceries. I bought you some food dad. Did you hear me dad, I said I bought you some food! Okay let's go to the bathroom dad, I'll help you dress up after you finish bathing. I know it is raining outside. I can see why she did not come it is bad out there. The roads are closed and are only open to residents."

"Dad, what's that dad?"

"Where is your sister?"

"She is out of town, she did not expect the nurse to call in sick."

"Can you call the lawyer. I think that I am ready to draw my will."

"Okay dad, I will call the lawyer and let him him know that you are ready to set up your will."

"I will wait until it is not raining and then I will leave. Let's go to the living room and watch TV there dad."

"Scott don't forget to call your brother and let him know that I am okay."

"Thanks for taking care of me. I don't know what I could have done without you."

"The funeral was amazing. So many people showed up and they had such wonderful things to say about dad."

"Wasn't dad upsetting the way he looked in that casket. He looked alone and sad. I felt bad for him. Guess who did not show up."

"Well let us wait for his outburst and wait for his blaming us for not showing up. That it is our fault that dad died. We did not love him enough. Brace yourself. Bring a joint when he gets hysterical. Don't say anything! If you do he will make you cry."

"Hi everyone, it was such a wonderful day that we have spent together in behalf of dad's passing. My name is Scott and I can recognize most of you. Those who worked with dad might remember me, those that we are meeting for the first time welcome and goodbye, dad is gone." Tears start streaming on Scotts face. He wipes them with a handkerchief and continues.

"We are here to say our last and fond goodbye to a man who meant so much to all of us. As we do that we thank you for the meeting us at the graveside as we sent dad away to heaven. We ask that you break bread with us and share some of his favorite foods and drinks. And take your time or hurry it is all up to you. My family thanks you all the same." Everyone walked around shaking the family's hands and shared the meal which was bitter sweet. The Nurse silently wept as everyone kept asking her if he was 'ready'.

Everyone seemed to be in their best behavior until the last one of them said their good byes and all the siblings sat on couches unsure what to say to one another. It was too soon to talk about what their dad would have said or done. It was too confusing to not have their younger brother with them.

The phone rang, it was the Attorney, he wanted them to stay put he would be in the following day for the reading of the will. That will be his only day that he will be available. He had a large case which needed his attention and he will have to travel for it.

"Good morning everyone I am so sorry to change your schedules. I know that your younger brother is not here but we will proceed anyway. It is a video anyway, so I too am surprised I don't know what your dad has to say to you."

"I am bitter that my kids did not take time to take care of me when I was dying with cancer. It would not matter if it did not change how I felt when I was ill. I know I sound cruel and vindictive but I wanted to let you know that all of you were my life. When I was without you I died. I know you have to get married and have your own families but I needed you more. So to memorize my feelings for you I will not give you my earthly possessions. I will give you my love forever. My nurse can be awarded $100 000. 00 for her help even though she went awol on me on my last days. I thank her for her patience. The rest of the money can be awarded to the Red Cross. I know it is a lot of money and you will fight to get it back to your hands. Good luck with that! I will always love you and do not ever forget me. Bye it is dad and say hi always to my grand kids."