There's Not A Ghost in My House

"Sally, Sally, are you running from me, Sally?"

"I'm not running, Jessica."

"You tried to leave before I could catch you."

"I'm busy, Jessica. I work."

"Meaning I don't work?"

"Let’s say you don’t do a 9 to 5?"

"Oh, I work, Sally. I work plenty. I work around the clock working."

"If you call what you do work."

"So that's another rumor you've been spreading about me? I’m a bum now?"

"I don’t spread rumors, Jessica."

"My name is Jesse, and you know it, since you throw it around a lot!"

"You’re paranoid."

"Oh, really? I’m paranoid? That’s why the whole congregation just snickered at me?"

"I have no idea what you’re talking about."

"...and the preacher just called me imaginative."

"— no idea why."

"No idea, huh? You haven't shared my new insurance claims around lately?"

"I don’t have time for your nonsense."

"Nonsense? You're calling the house of horrors you sold me nonsense?!"

"We don’t entertain ghost stories, Jessica."

"No, you just entertained stealing my money and handing me a haunted house."

"Honestly, Jessica, you have a wild imagination. It’s just an old house. Can you try to tone it down?"

“Oh, I’m the liar now? You didn’t disclose anything! You sold me a paranormal vortex!”

“Jessica, I sold you a house. I didn’t sell you a haunted house. Older homes are a little noisy.”

"A little noise?! The lights flicker on and off like a damn hallway disco. Battering rams shake the walls?! Something cold keeps stalking me from the laundry room to the upstairs, and then there’s the whispers in the landing mirror. And I’m suppose to sleep with the corner shadows slithering past —"

"Jessica, church parking lots are not the time or place for your ghost stories. Your wiring is older, however, the house is perfectly fine and passed our inspection. Your insurance policy will not be covering your broken dish claims or any other fabrications."

"You mean my floating dishes claims before they rain and smash, plus the floating beds claims and the floating curtains and the floating ME?!"

"I don’t know what you’re trying to prove, but it’s not working. You’re making a scene here for nothing. Please, seek help."

"Oh yeah! It’s all in my head, Sally. Is that the game we’re playing? The entire town knew about—"

"This is a county, not a town, Jessica."

"Fine. Sally. It's a hamlet, village, royal rip-off capital in the middle of dumb-duck nowhere. Cuz menial technicalities matter more than the fact that you sold me a freaking haunted house! Even the locksmith threw the keys and ran—"

"It seems you enjoy stirring up drama, Jessica. We will resume this conversation when you are calm."

"I’ve got a damn good reason to be dramatic. Drama is trying to live in that place without getting dragged into the walls myself! I wake up to doors slamming. I try to go to bed and the roof howls. Look at me, Sally! Not at this crowd!"

"I don’t know what you expect from me. It’s not my problem. It’s yours."

"No, you sold me a nightmare, and now I’m making it your problem. The whole damn place is cursed, and now I’ve got a town full of people looking at me like I’m some damn lunatic. I want my money back."

“I’m not giving you any money, Jessica. You signed the papers. You knew what you were getting.”

"Yeah, I signed the papers, but you didn’t tell me the house bled! I’m swimming in a demon ditch, and you knew it, didn’t you?"

 "That’s enough. I didn’t do anything wrong. You’re the one who—"

"You act like you don't do anything wrong instead you’ve been telling people I’m crazy. You’ve made everyone think I’ve lost my mind. But I’m gonna make sure everyone knows the truth."

"I don’t know what you want me to do, Jessica. The house is yours. If it’s that big a deal, you can move. I have to go."

"We're all aware you have your Jolly Holiday to pack for, but you’re going to handle this first!"

"My holidays are well-earned, Jessica, unlike some—"

"You’re saying that I haven’t earned a holiday?"

“I’m saying you need to take a step back."

"I would love to step back, Sally. I would love to just go home and enjoy a nice Sunday brunch without my forks levitating above my head! It’s not in my head, Sally - it’s above my head. And I have loads of video proof online— it all went viral!”

"None of that has been proven to be real."

"Proven? You want me to prove it? How about you come over for a meal? You can even spend the night! The guest room has floating lamps and screaming furniture that likes to rearrange itself!”

"I’m sorry you feel this way, Jessica, but your home purchase and insurance policy can't help you with your... haunting."

“My haunting? When are we going to acknowledge the literal hell you’ve put me through? The place is cursed, and you sold it to me with a smile on your face. And now I’m stuck in this ghost infestation? And you ruined my rep to boot — no one is answering my ads! ”

"Maybe No one needs your services here, Jessica."

"Will that be before or after the rumors you spewed? Cuz they think I’m all crazy, right? Cuz you didn’t do anything wrong, right?"

"I did not. I went out of my way to help you in an emergency."

"You were an opportunist!"

"We all helped you, Jessica."

"Helped me how?! Don’t smirk at me. You ripped me off! I want my money back so I can move to a normal home with visitors that don’t drop through ceilings!"

"If you want people to visit you, Jessica, perhaps you should share more in community spirit rather than silly stories."

"I’ve had plenty of guests, Sally! Like rocks through my window, kids screaming, and slow cars passing—not to mention the 24/7 live-in spook party you sold—"

"And what about all the tents on your front lawn?"

"The Ghost Hunters’ Unanimous team? They’re here for the 1-night challenge!"

"Do you have a permit for those theatrics?"

"Excuse me?"

"You didn’t inform us that you were converting the property to a theatre. We may have to cancel your insurance."

"You bloody snake!"

"Unlike your stories, Jessica, your contract states you must inform us first if you run a business from the premises."

"And unlike your business slogans, I will be certain to share my bad experience with your real estate and insurance firm to my new 57K ghost followers!"

"And I will sue you for defamation."

"And I’ll sue you back!"

"What defamation, Jessica?"

"You shared my personal claims to half of the town, congregation, and our preacher... I believe we all count as witnesses to your ruining of my reputation!"

"I—er—"

"Yeah—let’s go to court!"

"No, don't. Jesse, we can review your claim on the 17th, when I return."

"No, Sally. We can review ALL my claims before you leave for your palm trees on Tuesday."

"I’m sure it can wait—"

"It’s waited long enough. And, Sally? We may have additional info to review."

"And what might that be, Jessic—Jesse?"

"I am now considering turning my ghost house into a business. We need to insure the — Ouch! Do you always slam your Buick doors like that?"