Wrong Girl, Wrong Cat, Wrong Time

Man, I hate mimes. Don’t you? Now, I’m not talking about a basic hatred of mimes. They are responsible for the worst day of my life. Or at least the night, which normally isn’t part of the day, but it is, so that's that. Its my story, and I’ll tell it how I want to.

So, my name is Charlotte Bengley. I am an accountant, and a dog person. I mean, I don’t hate cats, especially after this one day/night, but I didn’t have one before this. My Puddles is my best friend, and he loves his momma. I used to be able to take him to work, and he kept quiet in my purse, but Daniel insisted in microwaving his tofu which caused Puddles to bark, so I couldn’t take him in anymore. I would show you a picture, but I don’t have one right at this moment that reflects his inner German Shepard. He is a Chihuahua. So cute.

Back to the mimes. So, my friends have all told me that I could pass for Action Girl, if she wore glasses. I don’t see it, masks aren’t my thing, and my butt is too fat to fit in those skin tight spanks she wears as she kicks butt up and down these streets. Go Girl! Also, blue is not my color. Yellow brings out the hint of blonde in my hair, and I always stun in red. Action Girl’s uniform is navy blue and peach. That being said, I am her biggest fan. And my life is not anywhere as interesting as Action Girl’s...well maybe this night was.

And that's where the mimes come in. See, we all had a girls night three nights ago. We all went down to Tonic Bar, get our drink on and meet some hot guys. Two of them came up to me and asked me for my number. I wanted another guy’s number, but he never came up to me. I gave them Betty’s number, as she told me that they were cute. I think they figured it out, since she left with one of them.

Anyway, it was getting hot in Tonic, so I told Ruth and Jasmine that I needed some air. They wanted to come outside with me, but I saw that they both had guys they were talking to, so I sent them back inside quickly. No sense letting some other girl steal their men. I stood outside, sucking in the night air when a yowl from a nearby alleyway made my heart leap. I reached into my purse, and gripped my mace. I peeked into the alley and I saw it.

A chonky orange tabby stared back at me. He meowed, and licked his paw. He was filthy, and missing a notch from his left ear. “Come here, kitty, kitty, kitty!” I knelt down and beckoned with my finger. He licked his lips, and rubbed his ear with his paw. He looked up at me, and then looked to my right, which is when I saw him.

A mime. He was giving one of those dumb looks, hands to the face looking surprised. I once pictured myself at a cafe in Paris, sipping a latte and the Eiffel Tower in the background. Somehow a mime wondered in, and whatever cute French guy I was with gave him money. This mime looked exactly like the one in my dream. They all do look alike.

So, this mime is looking at me, surprised. “What do you want?” I then realized that its not normal for mimes to be on the streets of Des Moines. “Don’t you guys belong in Paris?”

The mime made a gesture like they were laughing, and then it looked like it was stuck in one of those glass boxes. “Listen, I got to go back inside to my friends. I don’t have any change to give you.” The mime pointed at me, and then I heard the tabby meow. I was about to turn around, when I couldn’t see anything. Somebody had pulled a bag over my head.

I screamed, and started kicking. I felt myself being picked up, and I swung my purse blindly around. I heard nothing from the mime, but I heard a hiss. I decided to call him Karl, after this guy I knew who kicked this assholes rear end this one time they wouldn’t leave me alone. I could hear Karl spitting and clawing these jerks, and suddenly I was dropped. I landed on my ass, and pulled the bag off my head.

There were a half a dozen mimes. They were all in a fighting stance, their fists balled up and them whirling their arms. Opposing them, Karl had his tail poofed out, his back arched, and his ears pinned back. I stood up and swung my purse at the nearest mime. “TAKE THAT YOU JERK!”

I hit him hard, but true to form, the mime made no sound as he fell down. He clutched his knee, appearing to wince. I knew he was joking, since I hit him in the shoulder. I wanted to kick him, but two other mimes turned to me. I was no Action Girl, so I scream and turned to run. “LETS GET OUTTA HERE KARL!”

I couldn’t hear the mimes chasing me, but I knew they were there. Karl was running too, and keeping pace with me even as chonky as he was. I didn’t know where I was going to go. Jasmine drove, and I was headed in the wrong direction anyway. I could go into another bar, but would the mimes follow me? I got to the doors of Johnny’s Hall of Fame. I pulled on the door, and then that face appeared.

The mimes were here. More mime laughter through the glass of the door. I looked, and the rest of them were glass boxing down the street after me. Karl had stopped to sniff a bit of trash on the street. “Karl we gotta go! This way!” So I turned down the street.

I turned right at the courthouse, and I think I lost them at Rolling Wok when I ducked into an alley. Karl looked tired, so I looked in my purse for a treat. “I might have something for you.” Karl looked at me expectantly. I pulled out a MeatyBite, and held it out to me. He sniffed at it, and for a moment he looked perturbed. Then I think he decided to take the plunge, and ate it out of my palm.

“What was that all about Karl? Did they mess up my hair?” Karl looked at me like I owed him another treat, so I pulled another out for him. I grabbed my mirror, and did a quick check. They definitely smudged my makeup and tosselled my hair. “Have you ever seen mimes out here before?” Karl meowed.

I got my phone out of my purse, and googled mimes. There is was! The third article down stating that Noelle d’Furien’s Silent Gang had been spotted in Chicago. I quickly scanned it, and it said that the FBI believed that they were here to take down Action Girl, after she had busted Noelle for that art heist in Minneapolis a few weeks earlier. “That must be it Karl! They think I’m Action Girl! What jerks!” Karl meowed again, and pawed at my leg. He wanted to be picked up.

I bent down, and grabbed him. He scrunched his face, and reached for my purse. I took another treat out, and fed it to him. He licked his chops, and started purring. I looked back around the corner of the alley. Mimes had spread out on the far side of the block. “Maybe I need to call the cops, Karl?” Karl looked at me like it was a stupid idea. “You’re right Karl, the cops can’t handle the Silent Gang. It’s going to take Girl Power!” Karl narrowed his eyes.

“I guess. I don’t have Action Girl’s number. But maybe this is my chance to shine!” Karl put his paw on my nose. “Oh okay, since you don’t think I can do it…” Karl flicked his tail, and put his paws over my shoulder. Which was fine, since I was getting tired of holding all of him. He was very chonky. I decided to walk down the alley, and see if I could get into the Mulberry Street Tavern, the next block over. I could call my friends, and they would come get me.

I reached the doors without seeing another mime, so I called Jasmine. “Jaz, I’m in trouble.”

“What Char? Are you okay? Where the hell are you?”

“I’m at Mulberry. I got jumped by these mimes, and Karl and I ran all the way here.”

“Oh, no! Are you scared? Whose Karl? Why didn’t you call the cops?”

Karl stared at me. “I couldn’t call them. These mimes got to be the Silent Gang. There is no way the cops could help me.”

I could hear Jasmine breathe out exasperatedly, “Sure Char, the COPS couldn’t do anything. What am I supposed to do then?”

I held in a sob. Karl licked the tear off my cheek. “Come get me. Right now. With Karl. He is a cute orange tabby who saved me.”

“Okay Char, we are on our way. Stay put!”

I put my phone back in my purse, and hugged Karl. He squirmed but didn’t try to jump off of me.

“Why can’t I find a guy like you?” Karl sneezed and squeaked.

Drops started to fall out of the sky right then. Karl meowed, obviously not happy his head was getting wet. For some reason, Mulberry was closed, but I got right up against the door which gave some cover against the rain. Still, Karl wasn’t happy.

I looked around, hoping that each pair of lights on the road was Jasmine’s car. My heart pounded each time a car approached, and fell when it passed me by without slowing down. After a half a dozen, Karl had stopped meowing, and settled in on my shoulder. He purred, putting me at ease, as much as I could be. Mimes were chasing me.

And I could see them. They were at the far end of the block, dancing between the rain drops, pretending to hold umbrellas, and holding their hands up to their eyebrows looking for me. They would see me in moments, but if I left, I could miss Jasmine. So I stayed, until Karl decided we needed to run. He jumped off my shoulder, and landed in a puddle, splashing my cute black Hawkwell boots with dirty water. “Oh no Karl, bad kitty! These shouldn’t get wet!” Karl looked back at me as if he had no idea he nearly wrecked my lovely boots.

Unfortunately, the mime’s ears still worked even if they couldn’t talk. They pointed, gave silent cheers, and started robot walking towards me. I started to head towards them, sick of running, but a flash of lightning illuminated three more coming around the corner, the odds weren’t in my favor. I ran, Karl on my heels.

I ran for blocks up Sixth Street, my feet wet and hurting. My clothes got soaked, and my hair dripped in my face. I wondered what the hell was I doing? Why didn’t I flag down one of those cars? Why didn’t I stop one of the few people I saw out here on the street to help me? I felt exhilarated. Part of me wanted this to go on. And then I ran into this jerk guy.

Literally running into him, I bounced off of him, and landed on my ass on the wet concrete.

“Watch where you are going asshole!”

Karl meowed, and that traitor rubbed up against his legs.

I looked up and saw him. Morbidly obese, wearing one of those stupid bucket hats ugly guys wore. His green shirt was damp, and his gray shorts screamed I have no fashion sense. His hand and fat fingers were extended to me for some reason. I grabbed them and he pulled me up.

“I’m sorry about that. Are you alright?”

“I’m being chased by these mimes. Do you think that I’m alright?”

He looked around, and then stroked his greasy goatee. “I don’t see anyone back there.”

“Well, they are there. C’mon Karl, lets go.”

“Wait a minute. What’s your name? Maybe I can help you?”

I could see no possible way this guy could help me lose an entire mime gang. “Charlotte. I don’t see how you could help me.”

“Have you called the cops? Called a friend to come get you? Seen a therapist?” He smiled, exposing little yellowish teeth.

“Funny. Now, I better be going. Have a night.”

He called after Karl and I, “If you are looking for sanctuary, try St. Ambrose. Its only a few blocks further up the road.”

I abruptly waved back. It actually was a decent idea. I mumbled thanks as I picked up the pace. During that interlude, the mimes had closed the distance, their robotic movements jerky but unrelenting. Bucket Hat was right, the cathedral was only a few blocks away. I had heard that churches hid people before, maybe they would hide me?

Karl and I got to the doors, and I pulled them open. There was little light inside, from a few candles. I moved forward through the pews, looking for the priest or whomever could help. I found nobody, so I sat behind the altar and pulled out my phone. Karl nudged my hand, wanting a treat. I opened my messages and there were about a dozen from Jasmine.

“Where are you?”

“Oh my God, where the fuck are you?”

“There are seriously mimes out here. You weren’t lying.”

“Please tell me that you aren’t locked in one of their invisible boxes!”

“Please, Char, where are you? I am so scared right now.”

“Char, I’m calling the cops. TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE?”

“CHAR CHAR CHAR CHAR CHAR CHAR CHAR”

“CHAR”

“Send an emoji if you are dead. We are seriously scared Char.”

I wrote back. “I’m at the church on sixth street, hiding behind the altar. I had to get out of there, the mimes were everywhere.”

It took all of four seconds for the reply back. “We are on our way.”

I pulled my knees up to my face, and waited. I could hear water dripping on the stone floor, and Karl licking himself. “You know what Karl, you can come live with me after this.” Karl gave no argument.

It felt like an hour passed, when I heard the doors slam open, and I could hear Jasmine and Ruth, along with two heavier footsteps. I stood up, and saw them with two guys. “Oh Char, you are all wet!”

“I know, I ran here from Mulberry. Some guy pushed me to the ground, and dirtied my shirt. Are they still out there?”

Ruth shook her head. “No, but I don’t think the cops are coming either. They kinda of laughed when we told them that mimes were after our friend.”

Figures. “The cops could never handle the Silent Gang. We need to dm Action Girl, she’s the only one who could take care of them.”

One of the fuckboys cleared his throat. “I got her number, I’ll let her know.”

Jasmine stared at him. “You don’t have her number. Nobody does.”

He blankly looked at her, “Well, I do. We hung out a few times. Wait, has anyone ever told you that you look like her?”

I blushed, but I knew that look. “Yeah, but you can forget it. Lets go home girls. You guys can find someone else to hang with tonight.”

I could almost hear the disappointment in both Ruth and Jasmine’s goodbyes. Karl followed with his tail straight up.

*******

Karl reached my bed before I could, claiming the spare pillow. He was fast asleep by the time I finished brushing my teeth. Puddles huddled in the corner, after Karl smacked him on his nose. I called him to bed, but he refused, shaking my the bedroom door.

I looked at my phone, and someone posted my night on social media. The captions claimed that the Silent Gang had chased Action Girl off the streets and they would finish her soon. There were a bunch of edgelords cheering this one, toxic bastards. A few brave girls called for Action Girl to respond, but she was quiet. I logged in to my Action Girl fan account, and showed them what was up, promising that it would be made right.

Before I knew it, the sun peaked through my blinds. I yawned, and scratched Karl’s head. As tired as I was, I couldn’t go to sleep. I dialed my identical twin sister’s number, she was usually up this early. “You wouldn’t believe what happened to me last night!”