No Strings Attached

CW: Sexual themes, strong language.

December 20^th. A message arrived. 

“Where do you stand on a night of sex, no strings attached?”

Kitty’s words leapt from the screen and into Adam’s eyes, where they danced a jig. He blinked, expelling the dancing words. He looked back at the screen. The words were still there, fixed in place, not dancing at all. 

Adam had known Kitty for nearly ten years now. They met at school. They were in the same Maths class. Kitty was good at maths. Adam was not. He used to watch in awe as she solved complex problems. He never understood the solutions but appreciated the work that went into creating them. 

There had never been too much romantic chemistry between them. He admired her as a friend. Her bolshy cleverness was endearing and frustrating in equal measure. His loose personality, unworried by social convention or expectation, always went envied by Kitty. 

Probably, if Adam really thought about it, they’d always found one another attractive. Never was it worth jeopardising a friendship for. In any case, Adam maintained that one shouldn’t get involved with someone unless he was willing to commit. He either gave it everything, or gave it nothing at all. 

Yet, the words on the screen intrigued him. It was late at night. He was in bed, just playing around with his phone, as many millions of people do each evening. Once he was in that dark room with that one blue light fixed on his face, he was suggestible. He’d do anything anyone asked. More than that, he’d obey the wishes of any woman. Suggestions given in the daytime that would be outright rejected started to take on an appeal in the nighttime. 

Kitty appealed to him. She wouldn’t be his friend if she didn’t. The attraction that had always been there in the background now had a focus. Clearly, she had the same idea. She wanted him in a physical capacity as much as he wanted her. Evidently she didn’t want to ruin their friendship, just as he didn’t.

Adam generally disliked the idea of sex as something transactional. He wanted feelings to be a possibility. But, he thought, if they weren’t a possibility, if it were agreed beforehand that they were unattainable, what was the harm in accepting her advance?

As if by automatic action, not in control of his freezing cold thumb – one of his only body parts exposed to the cold air – he found himself typing. He was shaking. Not with fear but a sort of nervous excitement. It was crossing a social boundary. Normally, he disregarded them completely, but this was one he respected it. But he crossed it anyway. 

“I’m not gonna say no to that, am I?” was his reply. 

As soon as his reply had sent and he saw the double blue tick, confirming that it’d been read, the uncontrollable shaking stopped. What had been an exciting fantasy was becoming a daunting reality. Just a few seconds had passed, but the realistic implications of what was to occur began to become apparent.

Adam was just 22 years old. That’s what he told himself. Just 22. He could do what he liked. He was young and free. Everyone shared it about with their mates at this age. It wasn’t going to ruin anything. He wasn’t going to get into any trouble. 

“Well, if you’re not saying no, when are you saying yes?” 

He panicked some more. Okay, he’d agreed to the sex, but now he had to organise it. A date had to be set. When was the best date? Not before Christmas, surely? It was already the 20^th of December. You can’t have a one-night stand just before Christmas. Jesus wouldn’t allow it. At least, he’d frown upon it. 

Then, there was Angus’s New Year party. Kitty would be there too. He couldn’t wait until then. You can’t go to a New Year's Eve party with someone who you’ve agreed to sleep with. The tension would be unbearable. Besides, you might end up sleeping with one another in front of everyone. Then the talk would start. The no strings attached philosophy would fall apart immediately. Strings would appear. Everyone would be talking about the strings. Even if there weren’t any strings, people would gossip them into existence. Before he knew it, he’d be raising a Labrador named Alfie with Kitty and their two ugly kids. That wouldn’t do at all. No, it had to be before New Year. 

“How about the 27^th of December?”

“Okay. Your place or mine?”

This was a comical question, given Kitty lived with her parents and Adam did not. 

“Mine, of course.”

“Alright, you make the food. I’ll bring the wine.”

Food? Wine? This was a fucking date. No doubt about it. No one drinks wine on a one-night stand. Certainly, if they do, it’s found in a cupboard, not brought around specifically. Food? Adam lived off packet noodles. His idea of a culinary creation was adding cheese to a bowl of baked beans. If there was food and wine, there’d be conversation. Of course, there was always conversation because they were friends. But how can you talk to someone so casually when you know that you’re about to break a sacred rule of friendship? How was Kitty so okay with it all? Was this what people did, normally, all the time? Perhaps it was true, and Adam had been left out of life’s enormous orgy until now. If that were the case, he certainly had not been given the handbook on orgy etiquette. 

“Sweet, see you at 7,” he replied casually. Not one emoji had been exchanged. It felt like he was arranging the collection of a washing machine, not crafting the atmosphere for a night of lustful passion. 

Christmas Day came and went. Kitty hadn’t text him. Probably for the best. What would they say? ‘Oh I’m looking forward to having sex with you soon.’ No, that would be terribly uncouth. They could do the British thing and just pretend like they hadn’t arranged it. Denial is a wonderfully British trait. Avoidance is too and that’s what they practised. Kitty even did them a favour and didn’t attend the annual Boxing Day drinks. 

Adam arrived at the Boxing Day drinks with a thirst on. He was ready to drink the pub dry and then go to the next one and drain them too. If his dinner remained in his stomach that night, it was a failure. Each year, the old group from school all got together and drank until their Christmas dinner redecorated a toilet or a pavement somewhere. It was a grand tradition. 

The year-on-year attendance was varied depending on who was home for Christmas, who had gone away on holiday, who had to go and see their dad in Scotland, who could stomach more alcohol after the initial Christmas binge, who had any money left after splurging on presents for people they hate. An attendance of five or six was normally expected out of the ten or so people in their group. 

Adam always attended. Nothing would stop him. Perhaps a death in the family might make him leave early. But still, he’d attend. Ordinarily, Kitty was a fellow stalwart. That night, she made an excuse about having to drop a gift round to her niece. Adam was fairly sure she didn’t have a niece, but he didn’t give it too much thought. 

Her absence was immediately noticeable when Adam arrived. He looked for her straight away. All day he’d been preparing himself for the awkward conversations. He’d imagined the things he’d say, the replies he’d get, and the things he’d say to those replies. Endless possibilities of various conversation trees had plagued his mind. At one point he reminded himself that he didn’t even like this girl. Like anyone else, he obsessed over the things he’d say to potential partners. But Kitty wasn’t a potential partner. Not in that sense of the word, anyway. 

Having sunk two pints of beer, Adam began to relax. He was with his friends. There was no awkwardness, no possibility of it. No one would know about Kitty and him until well into the new year. Tonight was a night of merriment, not anxiety.

That was until Alice walked in. Alice. He thought she lived in Australia. Or maybe she was travelling in Asia. Either way, she’d gone away for the long term. That was when they were 18. Maybe the long-term was over. Maybe she was back for good. 

Adam had loved Alice ever since they were young teenagers. They had sweet little chats full of love hearts on MSN Messenger. As nervous 13-year-olds terrified of admitting to liking somebody else, their blossoming relationship never happened. Their love never connected. Eventually, she went away without much fanfare. He didn’t even go to her leaving party. Not out of spite. Things had just drifted. 

Then, for years, she had boyfriends, he had girlfriends. They never made it happen. Sweet on each other for years, but never exchanging a kiss, like so many British adolescents. Adam was fairly sure he was over Alice. He hadn’t thought about her in a long time. Yet, when she appeared in the doorway, his reality collapsed. No longer was he a semi-confident 20-something living a charming social life. Time had twisted, and he was yet again the nervous teenage boy, glancing over to the girl in class, hoping to catch her eye and swiftly looking away if ever he did so. The little boy who used to lie awake at night thinking about Alice was back. The tearing pain in the stomach, the almost visible heartbeat, the dry tongue cemented to the roof of his mouth, had all returned. 

Alice ignored all the others when she arrived. “Adam! Just the person I wanted to see.”

“Me?” he asked, feeling the redness creep into his face. How humiliating.

“No, another Adam! I was thinking to myself of all the people I wanted to catch up with, it’s you. And maybe Kitty. Is she coming tonight?”

Adam mumbled something about not knowing where she was and that she might be along later, as if he didn’t know exactly why she hadn’t attended. 

“Never mind, I guess I’ll see her at Angus’s party. Are you going?” 

Adam nodded.

“You seem quiet. Let’s get drunk. First round’s on me.” 

Without asking what Adam wanted, she bounded off to the bar to fetch an array of alcoholic beverages. For the ensuing few hours, she talked at him and listened to him. It was as if no one else was in the room. Occasional interjections from their other inebriated friends were quickly shrugged off. It was like they were back on MSN, except this time it was real life. 

Adam nervously sipped at his drink at a ferocious pace. By 11 o’clock, Alice had to bundle him into a taxi home, while she and the others went to a nightclub. 

27^th of December.  Adam woke up with the fear flowing through him. Fear of the things he might have said to Alice in his state. It took him a moment to compose himself and deduce that he had not declared his love to her. Nor had he tried to kiss her. Her boyfriends had remained unbesmirched and no detail had been given of his arrangement with Kitty. 

In fact, it was Alice who had probably crossed the line. She talked of her loneliness and how she had no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve. Somehow, Adam had not kissed her there and then. It would have been unfair to Kitty. 

Kitty. It was the day. She would be there at 7. She would be bringing wine.  The whole prospect was terrifying. Adam hauled himself out of bed and trapsed off to the supermarket. There, he collected a bag of ingredients that could make up a Spaghetti Bolognese, if combined correctly. 

Seven o’clock arrived. The Spaghetti Bolognese simmered on the hob. Kitty, two minutes late, let herself in. Adam was listening to calming music with his headphones in, trying to dispel his sexual anxiety. 

“What’s that you’ve cooked me?” Kitty asked, making Adam shriek with surprise.

“Fuck, you scared me. It’s Spag Bol.”

“Veggie Spag Bol?”

Adam raised a brow, “No?”

“Oh.”

“You’re a veggie?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“Wine?

“Wine.”

Without food, the wine slipped down easily as they sat on his tiny two-person fabric sofa. It was a two-person sofa, but really two was too many. Adam wished he could have eaten, but you cannot cook meat for a vegetarian and then eat it in front of them. You’d never hear the end of it. 

Once the first bottle was one, Adam saw that he had made a mistake. Clearly, this sex, strings or no strings, was not the right thing. He wanted Alice. Temptations of the flesh, which is what Kitty was at this stage, were a mere distraction. It was not fair to Kitty to carry on.

“Can I tell you something?” he asked. Kitty nodded. “I’m in love with Alice. Like, a lot. I think I want to be with her. I dunno if she feels the same.”

Kitty chuckled, “You’re just saying that to wind me up, aren’t you? I’m not gonna rise to it.”

Before Adam could explain that he was not joking and was trying to get out of the scenario, Kitty had leant over from the other side of the miniature sofa and kissed him. Her red winey tongue slipped into his mouth. In that moment of arousal, he totally forgot about his morals and feelings from a few minutes before. It’s funny how that happens. He accepted the kiss. More than that, he leant into it, enjoyed it even. 

The next morning, he made Kitty scrambled eggs. Normally, he only made scrambled eggs for girls he loved. But Kitty was his friend, and she must have been hungry. The eggs were not a declaration of love, but more a means of keeping her alive. She gleefully ate them and clearly keen not to overstay her welcome, got up to leave as soon as they were finished. 

“That was fun,” she said.

“It was,” replied Adam, also keen not to show that it was too much fun,

“Maybe we can do it again sometime.”

That was not part of the agreement. Doing it again sometime is strings. It was supposed to be no strings attached.

“Yeah, see you soon.”

“I’ll see you at Angus’s party.”

Fuck. Angus’s party. Alice would be there. So would Kitty. Awkwardness brewed inside him. It was awkwardness that didn’t even exist. There was nothing between he and Alice, nor between he and Kitty. Yet, he felt it. 

The next three days were spent in deliberation. What if one of them wanted to kiss him for the New Year? Alice had certainly insinuated it. Kitty would probably expect it after their night. What if neither of them wanted to? How would he feel then?

These questions reverberated for days until Adam came up with a clear and concise solution. Kiss nobody. You do not have to kiss anybody on New Year. He could kiss nobody and that would be fine. Do not kiss Alice. Do not kiss Kitty. Kiss nobody. 

23:59, 31^st December. Adam’s plan is in tatters. He’d arrived at the party with his no-kissing plan ready to deploy. Alcohol had changed things. He wanted to kiss Alice. He knew he had to. This was his chance. After tonight, they’d all go back to their normal lives and the opportunity would be lost. Letting her slip away again would be madness. The double courage given by the beer made him even surer that he wanted to do it. 

An obstacle formed in the shape of Kitty. Her alcohol intake, also substantial, pushed her onto him. She was all over him like neckbeard on an incel. She sat on his lap at every opportunity. Strings. Strings were appearing everywhere. Kitty’s one night of sex was clearly turning into an attraction. Worse, it might have been an attraction to begin with, one which she lied about to reel him in. She’d always had a streak of cunning. A diversion was required. He needed Kitty away so he could kiss Alice. 

Adam had enlisted the help of Angus, his best friend. A man who would do anything for him. He’d forced him to agree to kiss Kitty on New Year. Then, if she was kissing Angus, then Adam could kiss Alice.

“This sounds morally questionable,” Angus had said. 

“Is that a problem?” Adam had pressed.

“No, but I thought I’d make a note of it.”

It was a problem because now at 23:59, Angus had reneged on the deal, saying he no longer wished to be a part of Adam’s games. He would not kiss Kitty unless she went out of her way to kiss him. That wouldn’t happen, since she was keen on Adam. 

 The countdown was on. Ten, nine, eight, seven. The group were all sitting on the floor in Angus’s living room. Adam had Kitty to his left, Alice to his right. Angus was directly in front him, trying as hard as possible not to make eye contact with Kitty. 

Adam looked to his right and caught Alice’s sparkling eye. Those feelings of loved rushed back each time he saw her. He turned left and saw the hopeful look on Kitty’s face. He couldn’t betray that.

“Three, two, one! Happy New Year!”

No time left to decide. No more deliberation between betrayal and finding love. He had to act on instinct and instinct alone. He grabbed Angus’s cheeks, turned the big round face towards him, and planted a wet kiss on his friend’s stupid face. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kitty and Alice do the same. That won’t complicate things at all, he thought.