Shy and Retiring

Shy and Retiring

By Peter Wallace

    “I don’t want to go.”

    “You have to go.”

    “But, I really don’t want to go.”

    “I understand what you’re saying, but you really have to go.”

    It was a standoff. Percy, named after former Illinois Republican Senator Charles Percy, was an introvert. A shy introvert.  A shy introvert who hated going to events like parties, especially if they were parties for him. He was a shy, party and attention-hating introvert who hated his name.

    His actual name was Percival Peterson. People, he learned at an early age, found his name to be quite amusing. He tried several times to adopt a catchy nickname, such as “Mack,” “Bud,” or even “Pete,” but none of them caught on. He remained Percy.

    Percy’s wife, Caroline, liked his name. And, she liked him. In fact, she loved him, and thought him to be the kindest, sweetest, smartest person she’d ever known. They married a bit late in life, and on the cusp of his impending retirement, they were about to celebrate 40 years together.

    Caroline agreed that she wouldn’t expect a big anniversary party, knowing Percy as she did. It took quite a few years, but she eventually realized that Percy wasn’t being modest or feigning disinterest in parties given for him. He actually hated them with every fiber of his being. 

    The parties given for him, over the years, made him very uncomfortable, but he was too polite to give any indication to his guests. He tried to be cheerful and stayed until the last guest left, and then he went home, got in bed, and didn’t get out of it for a couple of days.

This party, on this particular night, was in honor of Percy’s retirement from the Jonesburg Manufacturing Company, where he worked for forty-five years as parts inventory manager. 

For all those years he mostly stayed in his office managing paperwork, early on, and more recently computer spreadsheets and other electronic files. He did his job well, and the management appreciated him. Most of the 200 workers in the factory saw him a couple of times every day as he walked past them on the way to the office, but few had spoken with him.

    The company was under constant pressure to move to China or Indonesia, but Percy was happy they had stayed in Wisconsin, even if many of the parts he inventoried came from other parts of the world. It was hard to get good retractable V-hinges made in the USA. On this night, though, Percy wouldn’t have minded being outsourced.

    “Honey, I promise you it will be alright. All your friends from work will be there, there will be drinks and dinner, and the owners even hired a comedian to entertain. Doesn’t that sound like fun?” She knew it didn’t, but she was desperate.

    “Okay. I’ll go. But, I won’t enjoy it.” He didn’t even address the “friends from work” comment, since there were only two.

    “Not with that attitude!”

    “It’s not an attitude. It’s a realistic statement based on a lifetime of such gatherings. I’ll try to be my usual cheerful self.”

    “There you go. Now, tie your tie. You’ll want to leave the company with a good impression!”

    He grumbled quietly. His wife was right, as usual, and he was grateful to know she’d be there with him.

    As they entered the Holiday Inn and Suites ballroom, it was clear that there was an open bar. Much talk and laughter was bouncing off the partitions of the room, which could be opened or closed to accommodate the size of the gathering. This party was medium sized. Percy figured there were over a hundred people there. They all looked familiar, but better dressed than the people at the factory.

    “Well, Percy!” Harland Ashburn was the CEO of Jonesburg Manufacturing. He really liked Percy, partly because Percy did his job well and never caused any problems.

    “Hello Harland. Thank you for coming to my party.”

    “I couldn’t miss it. I wish you weren’t retiring, though. You’ll be a hard man to replace.”

    “Well, I could stay…” Percy didn’t really want to retire, but the company had a policy of retiring people before age 70. Ashburn knew that Percy wanted to stay, so he pretended he didn’t hear what Percy said, and hurried off to say hello to someone else.

    “How am I doing, Caroline?”

    “Great!”

    The master of ceremonies spoke up that it was time for the meal, so Percy took Caroline by the hand and they ascended to the head table.

    After a brief welcome, the meal was served. Percy admired the kitchen staff for being able to accomplish the logistics of a meal for 150 people. As a parts inventory manager he assumed that they used a complex spreadsheet of food ingredients, cooking times, and wait staff.

    Percy then realized that the person next to him was trying to engage him in conversation.

    “What plans do you have, Percy? Fishing? Travel? Gardening?”

    “Yes. I mean, those things all sound like fun. Of course, I’ll probably start sleeping in ‘til 8am or so.”

    “I don’t blame you!”

    The man laughed, and Percy wasn’t sure why, or even who the man was. He later realized that he was the owner’s son. He visited the office once or twice per year, mostly because the receptionist was very pretty and not what you’d call prudent about her apparel. 

    The meal was very nice. As the tables were cleared the wait staff brought out small dishes of chocolate mousse. As they enjoyed it, the master of ceremonies went to the lectern.

    “Ladies and gentlemen, as you finish your desert we’ll get started with tonight’s program. As you know, Percival (Percy winced visibly) Peterson has been with Jonesburg Manufacturing for forty-five years, and has decided to retire from his position as parts inventory manager.” He was reading from a script.

    “We scheduled a comedian to do a standup routine for our entertainment, but he had a family emergency, and had to cancel at the last minute.”

    The audience seemed to Percy to be disappointed. So, he stood up.

    “I’ll do it.”

    “Excuse me?” The emcee wasn’t sure he had heard right. “What was that?”

    “I said, ‘I’ll do it.’”

    “And who exactly are you?”

    “I’m Percy Peterson. The guest of honor.”

    The emcee apologized to Percy and looked over at the event organizer with question marks on his expression, and the organizer shrugged, as if to say, “This is no longer under our control.”

    Percy stepped up to the lectern, took the microphone in his hand, and everybody clapped. He liked that.

    “Hello everyone!”

    Everyone said “hello” back to Percy. Percy’s wife sat in disbelief, wondering what was happening.

    “I’ve never actually done a stand-up routine, but I’ve enjoyed watching a lot of comedians. In fact, sometimes when I’m having a hard time falling asleep I’ll think up jokes for just such an occasion. But, please don’t fall asleep!”

    Some of the people chuckled.

    “For those of you who don’t know me, why are you here?”

    More chuckling.

    “That’s okay. Just kidding. I know I’m not the most outgoing person. I was five years old before I introduced myself to my mother.”

    The people actually laughed. Percy was surprised. Caroline was still astounded.

    “I enjoyed kindergarten. I had a crush on my teacher. Unfortunately, while we might have been able to work through the age difference, it’s hard to have a conversation when you’re staring at someone’s knee.”

    Caroline now smiled. She had no idea her husband could perform for a crowd!

    “My wife, Caroline, and I are about the same height. We’re also about the same age, chronologically, but she’s emotionally more mature. In fact, sometimes I’m so childish she threatens to claim me as a dependent!”

    “She has an unusual job. She inspects the ‘inspected by number 33’ tags in the underwear packages. When we met, I thought she was a lawyer because she said she worked on briefs.”

    Some laughs, some moans, and some smiles came back at Percy.

    “I hope you enjoyed the meal tonight. I did. But, you know, it is surprising that the mousse didn’t taste at all like wild game. Last week I saw that an ice cream place had a turtle sundae. That’s disgusting! Pieces of shell and toes…”

    “One thing about retirement; I won’t miss being on the computer all day. The email spam is just getting ridiculous. One email says part of me is too small, another one says parts of me are too big, another one says I need their pills to grow hair, and yet another one wants to sell me something to shave hair off. It would be a lot easier if there was one product that could just move things around!”

    “There is a new investment product for sexy seniors; it’s a 401-KY. I guarantee there’s a lot of interest. But, there’s no penalty for early withdrawal.”

    “You know, I’ve always been shy. Once at a restaurant I was shy about twenty bucks. Not tonight, though. Thanks to Harland – Mr. Ashburn to you youngsters – we all got a free meal tonight, because I’m retiring. Yes, I’m shy and retiring.”

    “Well, I’d like to thank you very much for laughing in most of the right places. This has been fun. I would like you all, right now, to join me in giving thanks that it wasn’t a singer who didn’t show up. I was singing while I was mowing the lawn last week and my neighbor came up and asked if I couldn’t find a louder mower.”

    “Thanks, everybody, for this nice party and for letting me joke around with you, and thanks to the company for employing me for 45 years, and for those of you who wondered, now you know who I am.”

    Percy bowed slightly, turned, and walked back to his chair. The audience stood and applauded, and some whistled, just because some people need to do that.

    Caroline give him a big hug and a kiss. She leaned in to whisper in his ear; “I hope you have one of those 401-KY things, because you’re getting lucky tonight!”

    A couple more speakers spoke, including Harlan Ashburn, who said all the things Percy expected and one thing he didn’t expect.

    “Percy, you’ve worked for us longer than anyone – even the founder. And, you’ve never taken all your annual vacation time or sick leave. Marjorie in HR did some calculations, and it is with pleasure that I give you this check for $25,000 for being such a dedicated employee.”

    Percy’s jaw dropped, and Caroline gave him another huge hug. He walked up to receive the handshake and the check. His now former boss offered him the microphone, but he demurred. Percy’s microphone days were over.

    As the event wound down, Percy was congratulated again and again, not for his retirement, but for his comedy performance. He met many of the people he’d worked with anonymously for many years, but he didn’t regret meeting them at the end of career. He had Caroline, their two adult children, and a few friends, and that was perfect to Percy. He liked people, but just not all at once.

    On the drive home Caroline put her hand on Percy’s thigh.

    “You were amazing.”

    “I was?”

    “Yes. Definitely. You could have knocked me over with a feather when you walked up there, but you were amazing.”

    “I’ve always had a sense of humor.”

    “Yes you have. In front of me and the family. Not a hundred and fifty people. What made you do it?”

    “I’m not sure. The people were disappointed not to have a show, and I have wondered if it was something I could do. Now I know, at least in this one case, that I could. And did.”

    “You are a strange and complicated man, Percival Peterson. Very strange, and very complicated. What do you have to say to that?”

    He smiled. “Take my wife. Please!”