this is goodbye (or at least it was suppose to be)

In all honestly I really should have seen this coming, Izzy was never one for goodbyes. Always clinging onto those who turn away even when all she’s left with is ash. And I could never stay steady in my lies when it came to her, not anymore.

It really was becoming a problem.

I didn’t care though, I stuck by her when they all left, I stayed when they scoffed, provided a shoulder for her to cry on when they discarded her as if she were nothing more then common trash.

Idiots, the lot of them. They threw away the rock unaware of the treasures stored within, too stupid to think of anything beyond what they saw.

Their loss, I’d remind her as we sat on the floor of her bathroom, a blade discarded of to the side.

Their loss, I’d say as I cleaned off the wounds, wrapping them to prevent infection and promote healing.

Their loss, I’d whisper as I scrubbed the bathroom floor, having it clean for when she woke in the morning.

I promised I’d never leave, that I’d never make her hurt like they did.

I guess that was a lie.

“Izzy please listen-”

“Oh! I know, we can go ice skating! I think James said something about taking his partner there on the weekend, maybe we can go with them, its been so long since I’ve talked to them-”

A cough ripped through my throat, and she stuttered in response, a worried look that I banish with a reassuring smile- don’t let her know.

Shes back to talking about Jamie and his partner in no time, shooting me down every time I tried to speak up.

It makes me smile, makes me proud to see she hasn’t folded to those who scowl at her voice. So, I let her talk, simply wincing when the familiar metallic taste entered my senses.

Just ignore it, she’s already upset

“Izz-”

“Of course, if they don’t want us there, we’ll go somewhere else, we wouldn’t want to cross their boundaries-”

“Love-”

“No no you’re right, maybe we can visit the zoo instead, you always enjoyed the lizards they have-”

I didn’t try again, half listening as she rambled on from on topic to another trying to ignore the disgusting taste that lingered in my mouth.

She didn’t deserve this; she didn’t deserve any of it. She was so kind, her troubles never turned her into a monster like mine did for me, they didn’t make her cold and paranoid. They didn’t give her anger issues or tear her smile from her face. They didn’t keep her quiet even when people screamed at her for talking, they didn’t-

They didn’t break her, but what if I did.

“Izzy…” it was nothing more than a whisper, I didn’t even think she’d hear it over her own voice, or if she’d simply ignore it once again in favour of talking about our next date.

“Don’t… please don’t.” I simply look away, my hands clenching where they laid at my side

This isn’t fair

“I-” I could hear her breath stutter, see her hands shake. She knew what was coming, she knew what I was going to say.

She’s gone through the same thing to many times to not know, whether she was acknowledging her thoughts was unknown by me.

“I…”

I can’t do this.

I can’t say goodbye, I can’t lie to her, I can’t break her and leave her without a shoulder to cry on.

Why can’t things just stay the same. Why can’t I be the one to sit down with her as she tells me about her day. Why can’t I help her through the dark and watch as she continues to smile. Why can’t I be the one who she’s walking towards as she goes down the aisle.

Why can’t I stay.

Why do I have to say goodbye.

I can’t tell her the truth, I cant tell her what is to become of me, if I do she’ll stay by my side, she’ll care for me, pay for my medication when I can’t, help me walk when my legs become to weak, feed me her amazing cooking and hold me when I eventually slip away.

She’ll waste away trying to take care of me, she’ll forget to live.

So, I can’t tell her the truth.

I can’t stay either though, it’s already so hard to hide.

And I can’t just leave, she’ll think I’ve abandoned her, it’ll ruin her.

Damnit why can’t anything ever be easy

“Lizzy… I’ve got accepted into a school.”

Lies.

“Oh, that’s amazing!”

Her body was tense.

She knew.

“Yea-”

“is it an art school? You always said you wanted to go to one of those, we can plan the wedding around that of course-”

Wedding?

“Actually-”

“Oh right, I guess I do have to propose first, I think I have the ring back at my house, I know this isn’t very traditional but-”

“I’m dying.”

F*ck.

Way to go, she’s proposing, and you say you’re dying.

F*cking Idiot.

“What...?”

Maybe I can try to convince her I didn’t say anything.

“Charlie, what the hell are you talking about?”

I take a step back when she takes one forward, not trusting myself enough.

I’m just not quite sure what I don’t trust myself with.

“I… I’m dying.” She doesn’t speak, simply shakes her head in what seems to be confusion, so I continue with shaking voice.

“Technically speaking I’m not actually supposed to be up and about right now, but I had this whole plan on how I was going to say I got accepted into this school that’s overseas then, well, leave and die, letting you think I was simply overseas. Now that I think about it I realise it wasn’t that smart,” Her mouth opens, but she doesn’t get a chance to speak, my eyes shooting to the floor as more words tumble out of my mouth, the sounds no longer making sense to my own ears but I knew she understood.

Well, hoped, otherwise she might think I’m having a stoke, a notion that isn’t completely bizarre.

“I didn’t want to lie, but telling the truth wouldn’t work either, I considered just leaving but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be like them; I don’t want to hurt you. I want to love you Isabella, I want to be with you, marry you, have a family of 2 dogs and 3 cats and some snakes- because we can both agree kids are way too messy and loud and just ew, I want it all,” I feel her hands brush against my face- wiping it- when did I start crying?

“But I can’t- I can’t stay I can’t make you happy I can’t keep my promise of never leaving I- I- I can’t breath-”

“H-hey- shhh, c’mon… it’s okay…”

Its not, its really not, but when she pulled me into her arms, fingers running through my hair, I couldn’t help but hope it was.

She was so warm, her touches soft even as her hands shook.

I wanted to comfort her, but I could barely keep myself standing.

For the first time in a long time, I was the one crying in the others arms, my form shaking, head light and stomach in knots as tears burnt my eyes and stained her yellow shirt.

“This was supposed to be a goodbye…”

I didn’t reply, it wasn’t a question, so I didn’t feel a need to, instead I collapsed into her hold, the both of us falling to the ground in a tight hold, scared to let go.

Scared to say goodbye.

Change has never been kind to me, and it seems it never will.