Just me rambling

Do you just realise that you have thousands of hobbies but you just never like one specifically out of the others?? i mean i'm a person like that. i love reading novels till midnight with a cup of warm coffee in my hand with a blanket covering me. i love drawing anime that every time i start to draw i get scolded by my mom because she hates anime. i love writing stories that i have so many unfinished ones stacked up in my cupboard. i love cooking but i get bored with it really soon. like i mean i have so many hobbies that i honestly love but i still get bored of them.

i'm a person who loves doing so many things but i never stick to one and give my best. My parents always tell me that i have the potential to do anything if i put my mind in it but the reason that i can't do anything 100% is because i give up in the middle. Maybe i really do that. it's not like i don't know myself right? For instance, look at this! here i'm supposed to write a story but instead i'm just typing whatever thoughts that come in to my useless brain.

My biggest flaw is that i give up. i don't stick to one thing. I'm a perfectionist. i want everything to be the way i want them to be. So when i don't get the result i want i just give up and move on to something else. I love drawing anime. i can't think and draw but i can draw while looking at another drawing. i can't think and draw maybe because i never really gave an effort to draw except drawing things that i find on the internet. But as much as i love drawing, i stop drawing when i get bored. i once started drawing a poster in 2016 if my memory is correct but i finished it only last year and it wasn't even a huge one. i love writing. like everywhere i go, i always have a story going in my head and sometimes i act it out when i'm taking a shower. As much as i have so many stories going in my head i never finish a story that i start to write. Well i do have some finished ones but the majority is half- finished. maybe it's because no one really encourages me to write same with drawing. i'm insecure about my writing. as much as i want people to read and tell me how it is, part of me don't want them to read. But every time i write something or draw something, i do want someone to read or see it so badly. i want someone to tell me that i gave my best and they love it. i want someone to tell me to "continue". i always tell myself that i should finish writing it. i should let the story inside my head speak through the paper. But when i realise that no one will read it, i just lose my motivation to write. i just want someone to be there and help me to finish it. i don't mind writing for the whole 24h if i know that there's someone out there waiting to read my story.

i started drawing when i was a kid to get compliment from my mom. i know it's not a good way to start a new hobby. for most of the year my dad is abroad working and i live with my mom and my elder brother. my mom is really close with my brother. it's not like she doesn't love me, she do everything for me. it's just some days i see how much she's close with my brother and how distant she's with me. maybe it's just my mind doing tricks. my brother started drawing before me. actually i sucked at drawing. my brother is always good at everything starting from studies. he is my biggest competition. every time my mom compliments my brother i would get jealous. so i started drawing too. but sometimes while my mom says how beautiful my brother's drawings are, she just say my one is good. that's why i started drawing seriously. even now, even when i'm 20 years old, i still wait for her to compliment me when i draw something. i still want her to come and see my drawings and say i'm good. Every time i draw or write something i want someone to tell me that i did good and it was worth reading and enjoying.

Reading is that one hobby that i always force myself to get back to. i do give up a book middle way sometimes no matter how good it is. similar to so many out there, reading is my escape. no matter how much i give up on reading at one point i always go back to reading. when i'm sad or hurt or just disappointed in myself when i get low marks, i always read. reading is my gateaway from reality. but even that i don't actually stick to always. sometimes i go months without reading anything except the tons of textbooks i have to finish reading. maybe the reason that i truly can't give up on reading is because at one point in life, it actually makes me smile and cry at the same time. i really loved reading when i was a kid. i used to read until late night and sometimes even in the dark with my torch. Well, now i have to wear glasses because my eye sight is bad as a result.

I have so many hobbies and i do love each of them but i don't stick to one. i'm a person who give up easily. i yearn for so many things but when i don't get the support that i want so badly, i just give up like an idiot even when the voice inside me keeps telling me to go on and finish it for myself.