The winged dragon and the forest bird

Let me dispel the rumors. There’s only one winged dragon, not “a dozen or more” as some lazy and irresponsible news media have reported. The creature apparently arrived from The Land Where Stories Begin when it flew (or was blown) off course, possibly because of anomalies in the ocean and wind currents due to global warming or some other glitch.  

Zoologists confirmed that the winged dragon is of the Asian, non-fire-breathing genus (Volans Draco) and very unlikely to distress damsels, or anyone else. Additionally, the dragon mimics human speech the way parrots do. Some of those who have spent time with this strange beast say she seems not only to imitate but to understand human speech. This; however, is a farfetched and unrealistic notion in the opinion of most animal behaviorists.

When a microbiologist from Point Blue Conservation Science collected a scale shed from an unfeathered part of the winged dragon’s body, she was reminded by a fairy tale writer, who was visiting on the same day, that in Richard Wagner’s opera Siegfried, dragon's blood allows Siegfried to understand the language of the Forest Bird.

This reference to birds intrigued members of the Golden Gate Chapter of the Audubon Society and they voted to send a letter to the Point Blue Conservation Science  insisting that in addition to the normal DNA testing, some volunteers from the Audubon Society or The Sierra Club  be allowed to sample any fluids that might be present within the scale to find out once and for all if Wagner was on to something.”

When informed, the Point Blue project microbiologist balked saying she had enough to do without having to deal with folklore, fairy tales, and 19^th Century Wagnerian opera. The organization’s spokesperson, trying to put it in softer terms said, “Microbiologists cannot be expected to sweat the small stuff.”

Of course, his insensitive remark triggered correspondence with Senator Barbara Boxer. Letters were written, emails were sent, phone calls were placed, meetings were held, checks were written, and attitudes changed. 

After a lengthy discussion concerning funding, The Marin County Fish and Wildlife Advisory Committee consented to recommend that the County Board of Supervisors authorize a monetary grant of $100.00 from the State of California Fish and Game Commission Propagation Fund to The North American Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration who holds authority over dragons through the Environmental Protection Agency.

The grant directed that the funds be used in furtherance of an experiment using five volunteers from the Gulf of the Farallones Marine Sanctuary Association to imbibe drops of fluid from the dragon’s discarded scale, provided they signed the standard U.S. Government Waiver (BK.of Regs. Sect. 1013 EPA doc 23001).  

A forest bird was brought in by the National Park Service, and State Parks furnished the Old Red Barn at Big Bear State Park Nature Center to conduct an experiment to prove or disprove Wagner’s implicit claim that drinking Dragon’s blood would allow a human being to understand The Forest Bird.  The public was invited and a good crowd with representatives of Golden Gate Audubon, Northern California Nature Walks, The Judy Wells Berkeley Poets Society, The Inverness Fantasy Writers Guild, The Mammal Rescue Center, Bovine Bakery personnel,  as well as a few miscellaneous souls who wish to remain uncategorized, made up the audience.

The scientific hypothesis  was posted in the program handed out at the door, as well as on a large poster tacked to a wall in the foyer: “Premise: Drinking fluids (i.e. blood) from a winged dragon can enable humans to understand the language of the Forest Bird.”

The rapt crowd was seated in folding chairs in front of a long table where the five volunteers sat facing them. In front of each volunteer, there was an eyedropper filled with fluids meticulously coaxed from the dragon’s scale by the now co-operative project microbiologist.

A State Parks Ranger acting as Chairman of the ad hoc Forest Bird Vocabulary Committee asked if the volunteers were ready, and when they answered yes, he told them to deposit the fluid from the eyedropper onto their tongues. Each of them lifted the tiny device to their mouths and squeezed the rubber tip. There was no grimacing. The fluid appeared to be tasteless, or not in the least unpleasant.

Then, the bewildered Forest Bird, a Northern Spotted Owl collected at Redwood Forest National Park by members of Ducks Unlimited who said they were interested in creating Winged Dragon Habitat that could eventually put untold thousands of Winged Dragons into the Pacific Flyway.

The forest bird was carried in a wooden cage by a volunteer dressed in Cammie waders and a duck blind cap with untied ear flaps. When the volunteer rattled the cage, the owl predictably began screeching.

The test subjects seated at the long table furled their brows pinched their chins, shuffled their feet, and scratched their heads as they listened.

Suddenly they all at once exhibited Ah Ha expressions.

The Forest Bird Vocabulary Committee Chairman asked, “Were you able to understand the owl?”

The volunteer tasters put their foreheads together in a brief conference before their spokesperson explained that while there was unanimous agreement about what the Forest Bird said it was not an expression of ecological insight or some exquisite sylvan poetry. The owl may have said what it thought humans wanted to hear. It was an owl trapped in a cage, staring at a duck hunter, after all, and must have thought it extremely unwise not to go along with what humans expected owls to say.

Wilson responded with noticeable impatience, “Just tell us what the bird said if you don’t mind.”

All five volunteers answered as one. “The Forest Bird said, ‘Give a hoot, don’t pollute.”

No fire, just a harmless puff of white smoke and a thunderous guffaw emerged from the winged dragon’s toothy jaws when one of the poets told her what the forest bird said.

The winged dragon spoke in a serious tone following her initial hilarity. “I’m not sure about giving up any more scales. I think this Richard Wagner was just blowing smoke.”

The End