Forget Her

First Thought, First Day:

Girls.

Ever liked one?

It's complicated. You never really know if you do.

One day, you think you know who you are, but then the next day, it's like someone mixed you with a rainbow.

You know the little chocolate powder mix you add to milk to make chocolate milk?

Like that.

The differences are that the chocolate is rainbow glitter and your consciousness is the milk.

Who knows who stirred it together, but someone did anyway.

Who is she?

Do I like her?

Or do I hate her?

What if I'm just faking it?

Or what if it's real?

Is it love?

Or is it just a crush?

Even after so long, you never really know what it is. It just happens.

Happens often enough to the point you like two or more girls, and you tell the truth but it doesn't help. It just makes it worse. And you can't do anything but watch everything you worked so hard for, fall through the ceiling.

Second Thought, First Day:

She taught me that it was okay.

She taught me that I could be whoever I wanted to be.

She taught me to love her.

She taught me who I could have been.

Could have.

Never was.

Never am.

Never will.

Or will I?

I still like her.

I still love her.

Even after everything.

Isn't that funny?

Third Thought, Second Day:

Sometimes I think back to the days when we were happy together.

She loved me.

I love her.

It's over.

But can I forget her?

Can I move on?

Can I continue to like girls, knowing what happened in the past?

Can I change my memories, and feel happy?

Fourth Thought, Third Day:

Sometimes, people say they know you.

They say they're okay with whatever you want to be.

But were they there?

Were they there when I was sad?

When she left?

Even before that, were they there when she said she loved me?

When I said I love her?

When I told her the truth?

When once again I say, I still can't forget her?

Fifth Thought, Third Day:

Maybe about a year ago, if you told me that she would've left, I wouldn't believe you.

I thought that she was the best person in the whole wide world.

That she cared about me too much to ever leave.

I guess I have to now.

I guess I have to face it.

Face that she's never coming back.

Ever again.

All because I messed up.

Sixth Thought, Fourth Day:

I remember when she said she loved me.

When I said it back.

I remember when I gave her all those gifts.

When she gave me more.

I remember when we told each other secrets.

I remember when we kissed.

I remember how happy I was that day.

I feel happy, even now, about that day.

My first kiss.

First ever, and first with her.

Maybe not last ever, but last with her.

Seventh Thought, Fourth Day:

Was it all a dream?

Every day, every night, I remember her.

I remember how her hugs slowly changed.

How her words slowly changed to goodbye.

To "See you tomorrow"

We did, I guess.

One in tears, the other facing the other direction.

You can guess who was who.

Eight Thought, Fourth Day:

I knew it wouldn't last forever.

I knew we couldn't be together forever.

I knew that one day, it would end.

Nothing does.

I just didn't know how it could all come crashing down in an instant.

Ninth Thought, Fourth Day:

I told her the truth.

I told her what happened.

What I thought would be best.

It didn't work out.

Of course it wouldn't.

I knew, but still.

It hurt more than I thought it would have.

Tenth Thought, Fifth Day:

I remember when we'd talk for hours.

Wait, was that her?

No, it wasn't.

So who was it?

Ah, her.

The one that I could never be with.

Regret is a funny thing.

Never know you'll regret it until the last second, but by then it's too late.

So's love.

Never know you'll regret it until the last second, but by then, you still love her unconditionally.

Both of them.

And the other one just slightly still.

Forget her.

Forget them all.

As if it would be that easy.

I wish it was.

Eleventh Thought, Sixth Day:

"Forget her."

That's what all the signs say.

"It just wasn't meant to be."

They all say.

Guess I said that to my friends too, when they were in similar situations.

But were they in my place?

Did they feel my feelings for her?

Did they feel her feelings for me?

Did she have feelings for me, even in the first place?

Did I have feelings for her, even in the first place?

Of course I did.

I still do.

Twelfth Thought, Seventh Day:

Still love her, but I shouldn't.

Still care about her but I shouldn't.

Love her, hate her, love her, hate her, forget her.

Forget her?

Forget it all?

How?

Thirteen Thought, Eight Day:

Was it all a dream?

Are all those memories a figment of my imagination?

I remember everything so clearly.

I remember what we talked about, how we talked, what words we used, what her voice sounded like, what her laugh sounded like, what her smile looked like, how she walked, who were her friends, who she used to like, everything.

All her secrets, everything she ever mentioned.

I remember it all.

It's as clear as day.

She loved me.

I love her.

But she doesn't love me anymore.

Not anymore.

And probably never, ever again.

Fourteenth Thought, Ninth Day:

Was it all a dream?

Maybe it was.

Maybe it wasn't.

I hope it was.

Because then, she would've never actually met me. She would've never known that I liked her long before we told each other.

I remember her.

I'm supposed to forget her.

Can I really, though?

Can I forget her face, forget her smile, forget her eyes, forget how she spoke to me, how she paid attention to me, how she cared for me.

Is it even possible?

Fifteenth Thought Tenth Day:

I remember someone.

Someone that used to love me.

Someone that I still love.