Vae Victis

I am not the same. This shouldn't be my downfall but it is, and I want to make something crystallize before going any further about how my last chance at attaining insuperable greatness was completely fumbled because you just had to be included within the bigger picture. It was supposed to be my namesake marked as worthy being among those few who were triumphant, me displaying what my entire lifespan could do in one moment that no one else could ever be capable of finishing. No one else could of underwent all I had done in stoic preparation for years beforehand, living monastic in assiduous study for the day that was supposed to be today.

And then you came along. Destroying my immeasurable repertoire. Squandering the surfeit I had earned through a requisite ordeal that I faced alone just to see this possibility come finally as unforgiving truth, having long been complaisant enough to be forced through this long process of matriculation, to stay wordless in both feeling and action so I could be becalmed once having it all conclude summarily.

And then you came along. Fucking everything up for me like the spongy thunderbolt of a jellyfish passing slow like a tentacle-wire caught on fire.

I could of been someone important today and you made my training become the source of derisive laughter now always tethered behind me. The deception was so simple: you seemed to be yet too nebbish to intervene with anything. But now you join in sharing this hellish chorus of laughing, you and all of them even relishing my carefully orchestrated schadenfreude pleasurably, snickering.. And so it was done: you came along.

The interlocutor. Narrow, disproportionate with curiosity you were when I caught you within my sight. You tore down my entire wellbeing, and you have the nerve to return here? Asking where it all could of gone so wrong?

But I am not someone who throws thousands of epithets toward a person without delineation inwardly my memory as to how this became so wrong. So remember: this is all your fault. I am blameless. You are the culprit. The duct tape stays on your mouth until the seminar has concluded.

So here is how you singlehandedly destroyed my lifework in only minutes. Are you ready?

Ingrate. I hate you.

Anyways.

*

Many people can be careless at any given moment, and existence would go on unchanging, imperturbable due to how miniscule the efforts belonging to these droning motes that can barely muster themselves in full awareness of their own personhood. So it goes without saying that such riffraff could never be bothered in also knowing the extent their actions as individuals (again: people too dispossessed to acknowledge this as a base factor which induction would proceed as the following coefficient; i.e., dotards) are the consequential extension governing whether or not the action made during such pivotal encounters, where someone is tested unwitting on the metaethics that are representative of your character. So there are the many who never have a single inkling that they could have been screened just then, underwent meticulous investigation while dawdling themselves useless, languishing as placeholders for history swept under blustery breeze.

I am not the same. I had a chance. I could of been victorious.

But because of you, I am vanquished and laid beside you in this hideous procession shaded in the obscurity I can now never surmount.

You shouldn't be shocked at all. You are one of these lousy many that would perish wordless for however long, and then return as the same disruptive force having no discipline, no awareness, nothing resembling the consummate ratiocination I had once owned, inchoate. You knew all along what would happen this interference would cost me, and you did it just to spite me.

You thoughtless parasite. You are reprehensible to contemplate even vaulted beneath a remote view.

I want you gone. Don't apologize. You done enough as it is, which of course was seeming effortless in how little you tried before you prevailed.

You stole my favorite eraser. Piece of shit.

Look at the mess you caused me. I am suffering because of you.

*

Since boyhood, I was able to remove myself from having been risked exposure to the subterfuge employed by envious little shitheads like yourself. I was once free from the obstructions of others. All I had to do was erase their name, anywhere. And so long as I did not prattle and become lulled into a momentary lapse in vision, I could walk away from the point of terminus where the immediacy that I took away the worthless personhood belonging to another knave in this simple yet precise sequence that necessitated the conditions I sought to hone, alone. I was waiting.

It was such a simple process. If only I had erased your name, buried you beneath a palm outstretched so it could sweep off the debris within the space you no longer would persist. I could of rose columnar the skies and figurative space, cemented forever for my ordeal and be given rank among self-made myth. All I had to do was destroy you without a second thought.

But when you entered my life, you surfaced as someone distinct. Someone whole. Someone masquerading as a force powerful enough not to cause my reflexive revulsion. Someone who was too beautiful to ignore. Too idiosyncratic of a flame to extinguish as I had did many.

But that was where I was wrong. My test answer score totaled to me being disrobed, jettisoned downward. So far away from the glory I nearly touched.

Because I trusted you to show me something even greater than the heavenspun pinnacle I could of been, surveying all you below my ziggurat. I could of been clean. I should of practiced my hygiene routinely.

You made me disgusting. Now I am among the vanquished too. Waiting to destroy the birthright that belongs to someone else.

But I want you to understand that you have annihilated millions ahead of us. Not me.

You miserable fuck. I hate you. Woe is the many nameless, just like me. But unlike you.

But you always knew that, didn't you? Eris.

I scream soundless vengeance upward this nothingness where I am stuck. I shout muzzled into the skies like a neutered cur, braying hopeless prayers that the demiurgic immaculate few will sense this disturbance, and judiciously take away your accursed name.

I am not the same.