Adventure Fiction Suspense

“It doesn’t count if you’re already planning your defeat.” My mother mumbled into my ear as I continued to move my armor around my body. 

“It doesn’t matter Mom. There is no point in me trying because if I risk winning then I get sent off to the next level.” I tied my hair into a ponytail. 

“If you lose then you risk getting killed.” She zipped up the back of my chest piece. She was worried; that was more than evident. Her hands were shaking when she handed me the letter a week ago. “Calling Me To Action: For The Better Of Your Life.” Her gray hair was falling out of her bun and her once blue eyes were now a dull gray color. 

“Don’t worry about it. We both know I have an advantage and I’m more than likely going to be sent off the moment I use it. I have to be careful mom or else you’ll lose me either way.” I looked at myself in the mirror. I was clad head to toe in military blue armor that was highlighted by silver lines to give off a reflective shine. My dark black hair was tied tight on the top of my head and my face was set in a grimace. I flexed my hands and twisted around to make sure I could move. 

“She’s right hun.” My dad said from around the corner. He was an old military man. He was tall and built like a tank. He wasn’t a fan of the exercise, but it was a means to an end for him too. 

“You’re just saying that because you are on the committee for this insane idea.” My mother wailed. She threw her hands up and walked away, huffing about the idea of me dying. 

“You think she’ll ever give up about my well being.” I laughed at my dad. I turned around to him and stood up straight to show him I wasn’t scared. He placed his hand on my shoulder and looked down on me.

“You know she won’t. I won’t either. I may not show it, but I do care about you Rain. You were such a sickly child, so we had to stay by your side for the first year of your life. You worried us both, but you are strong now. You are the strongest girl around here, but you must not let them know or they will use and abuse you. Just like they did to me. We are not military weapons. We are soldiers. Be safe. Be strong. Be cautious. Last of all don’t let them find out.” He gave me one last squeeze and disappeared. I gave myself one last look, then headed out the door bidding one more goodbye. The three kids from last month all passed the training and they were able to come home for one more week before being sent back. Since then, we haven’t heard anything from either of the families, but from the looks of how quick they selected three more; I can only assume the worst.

“I refuse to die.” I mumbled to myself getting inside the military van that was at the end of my driveway. I lived in a gated community of military leaders and I assumed I was the only one who got selected from this group. I was wrong in the van were the other two test dummies. They were both males: one was tall and sat up property while the other was hunched over and was clearly shaking with fear. I pitied him; I wish I was as scared as he was. They both had hats on their heads that matched the one I refused to wear because hats just get in the way. Their armor was not the same color as mine though. The tall ones armor was grey with black stripes and the scared one was red and gold. 

“Well it’s the famous offspring of the Alpin family. Daddy couldn’t keep you out of the pool anymore could he.” The tall boy spoke. I was taken back by how gruff and deep his voice was. He didn’t once look at my direction when I sat next to him. I scoffed at his ignorance, but kept my mouth shut.

“You’re really an Alpin? Do you have the same mutation your father does? Are you as strong as he is? Do you think we will pass now that she is on our team?” The scared boy said. Teams? I thought. When did the military start agreeing to teams? I didn’t answer him either, but I felt his eyes burning into the side of my head. ‘No one can know Rain.’ Father's words echoed in my head. The drive to the facility took over two hours and I got anxious the closer and closer we got. Once there the man driving the van told us to stay put until he opened the door. 

“Make us sit in a van for two hours and now we have to sit here until he comes back. Thought the military was more efficient.” Tall boy said. I shook my head at him and that’s when he finally looked at me. He had a sharp jaw, a set of full lips, a broad nose, and honey brown eyes, but one of them had a scar that ran through it. He was frowning and from the lines on his face; I could assume that he frowned a lot. “Got something to say Alpin? Cat got your tongue?” He stared me down. I thought about giving him the satisfaction of staying quiet, but you could say my father's blood wouldn’t allow it. 

“You’re annoying. Since you know my name it is only fair if I know yours.” He smirked at me. “Go ahead.” I egged on. 

“Levi Hawkins and that sacredly cat over there is Niall Moore.” I turned to look at the scared boy. He was looking at me behind a pair of thick glasses, his face was covered in freckles, and he had very pretty blue eyes. I smiled gently at him and turned back to Levi.

“Hawkins? Your dad served with mine. Moore? Your dad also served with mine.” They both looked at me. That was too coincidental for my liking and by the looks on their faces they thought the same thing. What was the government planning?  The door for the driver opened again and the driver looked at us and smiled with a sneer. 

“Welcome to training Cadets. Hold on to your asses and let’s hope you survive.” We also grimaced at him and the vehicle lunged forward. Levi bent down to my ear, “So it begins little Alpin. You better hope you know what you are doing or we all are going to die.” I looked at him and nodded my head. Let the war begin. 

Posted Nov 05, 2020
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11 likes 1 comment

Jim Snyder
03:29 Nov 13, 2020

This would serve as an great opening to a novella or longer length novel, but as a short story, unfortunately, it doesn't quite work. You have an excellent setup going which, if I'm being honest, I think you may have cut short some in order to push forward as a short story, but which works. You very quickly set up the family dynamic and move on to the van and the trio of characters that I presume would then go on to be your main protagonists throughout the larger tale you would weave.

In fact, if that's your plan, I'd say go for it. If you do, I'd add a little bit more detail... don't rush so fast out of the family, and maybe give a little more character dynamic in the van. Either way, it serves very well to set the stage that it's absolutely no coincidence that the government is up to something by joining those three characters together.

The reason that it doesn't work well as a short story is that nothing really happens. We get the idea that there's something special about her (you tell us enough here to let us guess it's some sort of super strength), and just as we're about to learn more about the dynamic that's going to form by the three children of men who served together previously, the tale comes to an abrupt end, interrupted by the announcement training is to begin. It’s all kind of an upward climb, with no real conflict (the van is more banter than real conflict because, as of yet, it doesn’t lead anywhere), and ends as if leading into something else (which is okay, so long as it’s told a full story along the way).

If you wanted to take this to a short story and make it work, what I would do is rewrite it from the perspective that they're already at training. The climax of the story could be that one of them (or all of them) succeeds, and then the conclusion is that they’re off to something bigger. That gives you a stage from which to tell a story, and then you could provide all of the information from what you’ve written here as flashbacks or asides during the training. Such as Rain remembering her last conversation with her parents, or Levi saying, “Remember when we were in the van; don’t forget our parents all served together…” Stuff like that. It would still feel like part of a larger story—and that’s okay, short stories often do—but it would have a story feel to it rather than a prologue or introduction feel to it.

Love the concept, and would definitely love to see it grow, but it definitely needs a lot of love to grow into a short story. If you decide to grow it into a novella or novel, I'd definitely love to see where it goes!

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