BEATRICE BOTTOM

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL CALLED BEATRICE BOTTOM. BEATRICE LIVED IN A BIG CITY CALLED STAR CITY. IT WAS CALLED STAR CITY BECAUSE AS STRANGE AS IT WAS, THE CITY WAS SHAPED LIKE A STAR. BEATRICE LOVED LIVING IN STAR CITY WITH HER MOTHER PHILIPPA AND HER FATHER MIKE. WHENEVER THEY WENT OUT WALKING AS A FAMILY, ALL THE PEOPLE WOULD SAY

''GOOD MORNING BOTTOMS'',

AND THEY WOULD REPLY, ''GOOD MORNING EVERYONE''.

AT SCHOOL THE KIDS SOMETIMES TEASED HER ABOUT HER NAME AND SAID THAT HER FAMILY WERE LIKE THE THREE BEARS. HER FATHER WAS BIG BOTTOM, HER MOTHER WAS MIDDLE SIZED BOTTOM AND BEATRICE WAS BABY BOTTOM. BUT BEATRICE DIDN'T MIND, SHE THOUGHT IT WAS QUITE A FUNNY NAME TOO.

ONE MORNING BEATRICE'S MOTHER ASKED HER TO WALK OVER TO HER GRAN-UNCLES HOUSE TO VISIT HIM. IT HAD BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE BEATRICE HAD SEEN HER GRAN-UNCLE AND SHE SAID SHE WOULD LOVE TO GO, WITHOUT A MOMENTS HESITATION.

'' I WILL BRING HIM THE NEWSPAPER AND I WILL BUY A PIZZA ON THE WAY FROM GINO'S.

"THAT'S A GREAT IDEA'', HER MOTHER REPLIED. SO BEATRICE RAN INTO THE KITCHEN AND GRABBED THE NEWSPAPER OFF THE TABLE.

''HEY'', SHOUTED HER FATHER,''I WAS READING THAT''! SHE RACED AWAY GIGGLING, NOT GIVING HIM A CHANCE TO TAKE IT BACK.

''LOVE YOU DADDY'', SHE CALLED.

''CHEEKY BOTTOM'', HE REPLIED.

SHE RAN BACK OUT TO HER MOTHER WHO WAS WAITING AT THE FRONT GATE WITH SOME MONEY IN HER HAND. '' THIS IS FOR THE PIZZA'', SHE SAID, '' DON'T GO ANYWHERE ELSE OKAY''?

''STRAIGHT THERE AND STRAIGHT BACK'', BEATRICE SAID, KISSING HER MOTHER ON THE CHEEK.

''GOOD GIRL'', HER MOTHER SAID, ''AND DON'T YOU GO TALKING TO ANY STRANGERS ON THE WAY'', SHE SHOUTED, BUT BEATRICE HAD ALREADY RAN AROUND THE CORNER ON HER WAY TO HER GRAN-UNCLES HOUSE.

BEATRICE RAN, HOPPED AND SKIPPED ALONG THE PATH. SHE KNEW HOW TO GET TO GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE'S HOUSE. SHE HAD GONE WITH HER MOTHER MANY TIMES, BUT THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME SHE WAS GOING ON HER OWN AND ALTHOUGH SHE DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT SHE FELT A LITTLE BIT SCARED.

AS SHE WALKED ALONG SHE HEARD THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. HOW SWEETLY THEY SANG. SHE LOOKED UP, IT WAS PURE BLUE AND THE SUN WAS PEEKING THROUGH WHAT SEEM LIKE THE ONLY TWO CLOUDS IN THE SKY. A PUPPY RAN UP TO HER AND STARTED JUMPING UP AND DOWN YAPPING HAPPILY. SHE PATTED IT ON THE HEAD AND CONTINUED ON HER WAY. AN ARMY OF ANTS WERE BATTLING EACH OTHER FOR A HALF A SAUSAGE THEY HAD FOUND. BEATRICE WATCHED AS THEY FINALLY DECIDED TO ALL WORK TOGETHER AS THEY DISAPPEARED THROUGH A HOLE IN THE FENCE AT THE EDGE OF THE PATH, SAUSAGE AND ALL.

AFTER A WHILE SHE WAS STARTING TO GET TIRED AND STARTING TO GET THIRSTY, SHE NEEDED TO GET TO GINO'S AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. HE WOULD GIVE HER A NICE COLD GLASS OF WATER AND MAYBE SOME ICE IF SHE ASKED NICELY. SHE WAS SO BUSY THINKING ABOUT HOW DELICIOUS THE WATER WOULD BE THAT SHE DID NOT NOTICE THE DARK FIGURE APPROACHING HER FROM THE ALLEY BEHIND.

''HELLO'', SAID THE MAN, IN A VOICE AS SMOOTH AS ICE CREAM. ''WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO ON THIS LOVELY SUNNY DAY''?

''OH, HELLO'', REPLIED BEATRICE, UNAWARE OF ANY DANGER, ''I'M ON MY WAY TO MY GRAN-UNCLE GEORGES HOUSE, HE LIVES IN THE LITTLE GREEN HOUSE AT THE END OF MILK BOTTLE LANE''.

''OH I SEE'', SAID THE MAN, RUBBING HIS DARK GLOVED HANDS TOGETHER. HIS DARK EYES FLITTING AROUND TO MAKE SURE NOBODY WAS WATCHING, '' SO YOU ARE PROBABLY IN A HURRY TO GET THERE''?

''I AM'', SAID BEATRICE,''BUT FIRST I HAVE TO GO TO GINO'´S TO PICK UP GRAN-UNCLE GEORGES FAVORITE PIZZA''.

''OHHHHHHH'', SAID THE MAN, ''AND WHAT IS GRAN-UNCLE GEORGES FAVORITE PIZZA IF I MAY ASK''?

''GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE JUST LOVES THE CHEESE AND HAM PIZZA THAT GINO MAKES'', SHE SAID, ''AND SO DO I''.

''DELICIOUS'', SAID THE MAN, ''AND WHAT KIND OF PIZZA DOES YOUR GRAN-AUNT LIKE''?

''WELL'', BEATRICE LOOKED DOWN AT HER SHOES, '' GRAN-AUNT LUCY DIED LAST YEAR SO NOW GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE IS ALL ON HIS OWN''.

''I'M VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT,'' SAID THE MAN, PLACING AN ARM AROUND BEATRICE' SHOULDERS, A GLINT IN HIS EYE, ''THAT MUST BE VERY HARD FOR GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE, BEING SO OLD... HE IS OLD RIGHT''? BEATRICE DIDN'T NOTICE THE DARK LITTLE SMILE CREEP UP THE MAN'S FACE.

''HE IS 91 YEARS OLD ACTUALLY'', REPLIED BEATRICE, PERKING UP A BIT, ''DADDY SAYS HE WILL OUTLIVE US ALL''.

''YOUR DADDY IS PROBABLY RIGHT'', SAID THE MAN. ''WELL EMMM....OH I'M SORRY I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO ASK YOUR NAME''?

''BEATRICE'', SHE SAID HAPPILY, ''BEATRICE BOTTOM''.

''BOT...BUT... ''THAT'S A LOVELY NAME'', SAID THE MAN STIFLING A GIGGLE AND IN THE SWEETEST VOICE HE COULD MUSTER'', ''WELL, I SHOULD LET YOU GO NOW BEATRICE BOTTOM, TO VISIT YOUR GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE, HE WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU''.

''OH HE DOESN'T KNOW I'M COMING, IT'S A SURPRISE'', SAID BEATRICE EXCITEDLY.

''EVEN BETTER'', SAID THE MAN, ''HE WILL BE SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU AT THE LITTLE BLUE..NO, NO, WHAT DID YOU TELL ME, IT'S THE LITTLE GREEN HOUSE AT THE END OF MILK BOTTLE LANE RIGHT''?

''THAT'S RIGHT'', ''YOU HAVE A GOOD MEMORY SIR'', SHE SAID, ''WELL I BETTER GO NOW, IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU''.

''SEE YOU, OH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHORT CUT TO GINO'´S THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GO DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STREET AND GO ACROSS STAR PARK, IT IS SO MUCH FASTER'', THE MAN SMILED AT BEATRICE AND IT WAS THE FIRST TIME SHE NOTICED HOW BLACK HIS TEETH WERE AND HOW THE TWO AT THE FRONT WERE MISSING.

''THANK YOU,'' SAID BEATRICE, SUDDENLY FEELING VERY NERVOUS. ''WHAT A STRANGE MAN'', SHE THOUGHT, BUT SHE SOON FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT AS SHE SKIPPED OFF DOWN THE STREET.

THE MAN RUBBED HIS GLOVED HANDS TOGETHER IN GLEE, ''IF I GET TO THE HOUSE BEFORE BEATRICE I CAN STEAL EVERYTHING THE OLD MAN HAS AND BE OUT OF THERE BEFORE SHE EVEN ARRIVES, AFTER ALL HE IS 91 YEARS OLD, HE ISN'T GOING TO NEED IT MUCH LONGER HAHAHAHAHA''.

THE MAN WALKED OFF QUICKLY TOWARDS MILK BOTTLE LANE AND THE LITTLE GREEN HOUSE WHERE GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE LIVED.

MEANWHILE BEATRICE, WHO HAD BEEN TRICKED BY THE MAN INTO TAKING A MUCH LONGER ROUTE TO GINO'`S WAS WALKING THROUGH STAR PARK, ''THIS DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A SHORT CUT TO ME'', SHE THOUGHT, AS SHE HOPPED ACROSS THE BRIDGE.

SHE WAS JUST ABOUT TO TURN BACK WHEN SHE SAW THE BIG RED SIGN FOR GINO'S PIZZA.

''FINALLY''!

BEATRICE WALKED INTO THE PIZZA PLACE AND SLUMPED DOWN INTO ONE OF THE RED AND WHITE STRIPED CHAIRS GINO HAD FOR PEOPLE WHO WERE WAITING FOR THEIR ORDERS. GINO CAME OUT FROM THE BACK.

''HEY AH B.B'', GINO ALWAYS CALLED HER THAT, ''BEEN A LONG TIME AH''?

EVEN THOUGH GINO HAD BEEN BORN IN STAR CITY, HAVING GROWN UP WITH TWO ITALIAN PARENTS, HE SPOKE WITH A THICK ITALIAN ACCENT.

''WHAT CAN I AH DO FOR AH YOU B.B.?'',

''HI GINO, FIRST COULD I PLEASE HAVE A GLASS OF WATER WITH ICE PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP''?

''BUT OF COURSE BAMBINA''!

HE WENT INTO THE BACK WHERE HE MADE THE PIZZAS AND RETURNED ALMOST IMMEDIATELY WITH A CLASS PILED HIGH WITH ICE AND FULL TO THE BRIM WITH WATER.

''THANK YOU'', SHE SAID TAKING A BIG GULP.

WHEN SHE HAD DRANK ENOUGH AND WAS SATISFIED, SHE SAID TO GINO,''GINO I'M GOING TO GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE'S HOUSE AND I THOUGHT...'',

''YOU THOUGHT YOU'´D AH BRING AH HIM AH CHEESE AND AH HAM AH PIZZA FROM AH GINO'S RIGHT''?

''THAT'S RIGHT'', BEATRICE REPLIED.

''TUTTO BENE'', ''ONE GINO AH SPECIAL AH COMING AH RIGHT UP''.

ACROSS TOWN, THE MAN HAD JUST ARRIVED AT GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE'S HOUSE. HE RANG THE BELL AND WAITED. AFTER A LONG TIME HE HEARD SHUFFLING COMING FROM INSIDE AND A VERY OLD VOICE CALLED OUT,'' WHO'S THERE?, ''WHO IS IT''?

THE MAN PUTTING ON HIS BEST IMPRESSION OF BEATRICE REPLIED,

''GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE, IT'S ME, BEATRICE, SURELY IT HAS NOT BEEN SO LONG THAT YOU DO NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN GRAN-NIECE''?

THERE WAS A PAUSE AND THEN THE VOICE FROM INSIDE REPLIED, ''OH BEATRICE, OF COURSE MY DEAR. ''COME ON IN'', ''THE KEY IS UNDER THE MAT SAME AS ALWAYS'', AND THE VOICE SHUFFLED AWAY.

THE MAN COULDN'´T BELIEVE IT, IT WAS ALMOST TOO EASY. HE LOOKED UNDER THE MAT AND SURE ENOUGH THERE WAS THE KEY OF THE BIG RED FRONT DOOR TO THE LITTLE GREEN HOUSE. THE MAN LET HIMSELF IN QUIETLY AND CLOSED THE DOOR. GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE WAS STILL SHUFFLING SLOWLY DOWN THE HALL. THE MAN TOOK OFF ONE OF HIS BLACK GLOVES, RAN UP BEHIND THE OLD MAN, STUFFED THE GLOVE IN HIS MOUTH TO STOP HIM YELLING OUT FOR HELP AND PUSHED THE OLD MAN INTO THE DUSTY CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS. GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE WAS SO OLD AND SHOCKED HE DIDN'T EVEN MOVE.

''NOW'', THOUGHT THE MAN,

''LETS SEE WHAT VALUABLES THE OLD CODGER HAS LYING ABOUT THE PLACE''.

HE LOOKED IN THE BEDROOM FIRST, THERE HE FOUND A GOLD POCKET WATCH.

''VERY NICE, THIS WILL DO NICELY HAHA''.

HE TOOK A PILLOWCASE OFF THE BED AND STARTED TO FILL IT UP WITH THINGS HE FOUND. A RING THAT HAD BELONGED TO GRAN-AUNT LUCY. A PAINTING, HE DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS WORTH ANYTHING BUT IT LOOKED OLD. NEXT HE WENT TO THE SITTING ROOM. HE FOUND A TABLET WHICH BEATRICE'S MOTHER HAD GIVEN HIM THAT CHRISTMAS, WHICH HE HAD NOT EVEN TAKEN OUT OF THE BOX. '

'HAHAHA GEORGEY BOY WONT BE NEEDING THIS AT HIS AGE''.

HE STUFFED IT INTO HIS PILLOWCASE BAG, AND CONTINUED TO LOOK FOR OTHER VALUABLE ITEMS.

OVER AT GINO'S, THERE WAS A DELICIOUS SMELL COMING OUT OF THE KITCHEN, ''MMMMMM THE PIZZA MUST BE NEARLY READY'', BEATRICE THOUGHT TO HERSELF. SHE WAS GETTING HUNGRY AND WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO SHARING THE PIZZA WITH GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE. GINO CAME OUT WITH THE PIZZA ALREADY IN ITS BOX.

''HERE IS THE MONEY GINO'', SAID BEATRICE, HANDING HIM UP THE MONEY HER MOTHER HAD GIVEN HER.

''HEY HEY HEY, MAMA MIA, DON'T AH WORRY AH B.B. THIS AH ONE IS ON AH GINO''.

''WOW, THANKS GINO'', SAID BEATRICE, ''I WILL TELL GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE YOU WERE ASKING FOR HIM''.

''DO AH THAT''. SAID GINO.

HE TURNED TO SERVE ANOTHER CUSTOMER

''WHAT AH WILL IT AH BE SIGNORA''? HE SAID TO THE POSH LOOKING LADY THAT WAS WAITING. EVERYONE IN STAR CITY LOVED GINO'S PIZZAS.

BEATRICE TOOK HER BOX AND WALKED OUT. NEXT STOP, GRAN-UNCLE GEORGES HOUSE.

MEANWHILE, THE MAN HAD BEEN FILLING UP HIS PILLOWCASE BAG WITH EVERY VALUABLE LOOKING THING HE COULD FIND AND THE PILLOW CASE BAG WAS NOW HEAVING.

''ALL THIS THIEVING IS THIRSTY WORK'', ''LETS SEE IF GEORGEY BOY HAS ANYTHING TO DRINK''.

HE WALKED TO THE KITCHEN AND HAD A LOOK IN THE FRIDGE.

BEATRICE HAD ARRIVED AT GRAN-UNCLE GEORGES HOUSE NOW, SHE LOOKED UNDER THE MAT, BUT THE KEY WASN'T THERE.

SHE RANG THE DOOR BELL.

THE MAN, DRINKING A GLASS OF COKE IN THE KITCHEN FROZE.

''WHO COULD THAT BE? HE THOUGHT''. HE WENT TO THE WINDOW AND SPIED OUT THROUGH THE CURTAINS.

''BOTTOM'', HE SAID UNDER HIS BREATH.

HE HAD FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT HER PLAN TO VISIT HER GRAN-UNCLE.

HE WENT TO THE FRONT DOOR AND KNELT DOWN BESIDE THE LETTER BOX.

HE SAID IN AS OLD A VOICE AS HE COULD DO...

''OHHH BEATRICE IS THAT YOU''. ''I AM NOT FEELING VERY WELL SO JUST LEAVE THE PIZZA ON THE DOORSTEP AND HURRY ON HOME, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET SICK TOO''.

''BUT GRAN-UNCLE''. ''WHERE IS THE KEY FOR THE DOOR, IT IS NOT UNDER THE MAT LIKE ALWAYS''.?

''OH ERMM I FORGOT TO PUT IT BACK AFTER I WENT TO THE SHOP YESTERDAY TO BUY'',...HE SCANNED AROUND AND SAW A FISH TANK...''FISH FOOD FOR THE FISH'',...''LOOK JUST GO AWAY AND TELL YOUR MOTHER THANKS FOR THE PIZZA''.

BEATRICE THOUGHT TO HERSELF FOR A MOMENT AND THEN SHE SAID,''BUT GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY. I HAVE COME TO CELEBRATE WITH YOU''!

''I KNOW, I KNOW'', SAID THE MAN, ''AND YOU ARE VERY KIND TO WANT TO SPEND MY BIRTHDAY WITH ME BUT I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE'',...HE COUGHED,...''TO GET BETTER'', ''YOU UNDERSTAND''?.

''OK'', SAID BEATRICE. ''FEEL BETTER SOON GRAN-UNCLE''. SHE TURNED AND WALKED AWAY

THE MAN LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT HIS BRILLIANCE.

''STUPID LITTLE BOTTOM,'' ''SHE HAD NO IDEA IT WAS ME, WHAT A BRILLIANT ACTOR I AM.,'' ''NOW LETS SEE IF THERE IS ANYTHING ELSE WORTH STEALING IN THIS OLD CODGERS HOUSE''.

HE WALKED BACK UP THE HALL AND INTO ONE OF THE ROOMS.

ALMOST IMMEDIATELY THERE CAME A LOUD KNOCK AT THE DOOR. THE MAN STUCK HIS HEAD OUT INTO THE HALL,

''NOW WHAT DOES THAT STUPID LITTLE GIRL WANT''? HE THOUGHT.

HE WALKED BACK DOWN TO THE DOOR AND ONCE AGAIN HE OPENED THE LETTER BOX AND SAID,

''BEATRICE BOTTOM, I'VE TOLD YOU, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY WITH YOU TODAY AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO ANNOY ME I AM GOING TO CALL YOUR MOTHER AND TELL HER YOU ARE BOTHERING ME''.

THE MAN LISTENED, THERE WAS SILENCE.

GOOD SHE GOT THE MESSAGE.

HE STOOD UP AND FELT TWO BIG HANDS GRAB HIS ARMS AND PULL THEM BACK BEHIND HIS BACK. TWO POLICE OFFICERS HAD COME IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR AND NOW HAD HIM PINNED UP AGAINST THE FRONT DOOR WITH NOWHERE TO GO.

AS ONE OF THE POLICE OFFICERS PUT HANDCUFFS ON HIM AND WAS MARCHING HIM OUT THE DOOR TO THE POLICE CAR, OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE, HE SAW BEATRICE POINTING TO THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS AND THE OTHER POLICE OFFICER OPENING THE CUPBOARD DOOR. GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE SHUFFLING HIS WAY OUT BLINKING AS THE LIGHT HIT HIS EYES.

THE MAN SCOWLED, AND AS THE POLICE OFFICER PUT HIM INTO THE POLICE CAR, HE SHOUTED, ''BOTTOM!! ''YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME''!

WHEN THE THE POLICE HAD FINISHED TALKING TO GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE, HE THANKED THEM, SAID GOODBYE AND CLOSED THE DOOR.

''BEATRICE DARLING'', HE SAID HUGGING HER TIGHT.

''BUT HOW EVER DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS A THIEF IN THE HOUSE''?

''OH IT WAS EASY GRAN-UNCLE''.

''YOU SEE HE WAS PRETENDING TO BE YOU SO I ASKED HIM WHERE THE KEY FOR UNDER THE MAT WAS AND HE SAID HE HAD FORGOTTEN TO PUT IT BACK AFTER HE WENT TO THE SHOP TO BUY FISH FOOD''.

''FISH FOOD''?, REPEATED GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE.

''YES, HE THOUGHT SAMMY, YOUR TURTLE, WAS A FISH HAHAHA'',

''WELL I NEVER'', SAID GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE.

''THEN I FIGURED SOMETHING WAS WRONG SO I DECIDED TO MAKE SURE HE WASN'T YOU'', ''I MEAN, THE VOICE WAS DIFFERENT, BUT I HAD TO BE SURE''. ''SO I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY TODAY''.

''BUT MY BIRTHDAY ISN'T FOR ANOTHER TWO MONTHS, NOT UNTIL AUGUST, SAID GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE. ''WHAT A CLEVER LITTLE GIRL YOU ARE''.

''HAHA, SO I TOLD HIM TO FEEL BETTER AND THEN I WENT TO LOOK FOR THE FIRST POLICE OFFICER I COULD FIND''.

''I FOUND ONE SITTING IN HER CAR, FOUR BLOCKS OVER, I'VE NEVER RAN SO FAST IN MY LIFE''.

''SHE TOLD ME TO GET INTO THE CAR AND TO SHOW HER WHERE THE HOUSE WAS''. ''SHE RADIOED THE REST OF THE STAR CITY POLICE FORCE TO GIVE HER SOME BACKUP''.

''THEN WE CAME HERE AND WHILE ONE POLICE OFFICER DISTRACTED THE MAN AT THE FRONT DOOR'',.

''THE OTHERS WERE LETTING THEMSELVES IN THE BACK, AND THE REST YOU KNOW''.

BEATRICE TOOK A BIG BREATH AND FELL DOWN ON THE SOFA EXHAUSTED AFTER THE STORY SHE HAD JUST TOLD. GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE WENT TO THE KITCHEN AND CAME BACK CARRYING THE PIZZA. HE SAT DOWN ON THE SOFA BESIDE BEATRICE AND THEY SHARED A SLICE OF GINO'S DELICIOUS CHEESE AND HAM PIZZA.

''YUM YUM YUM'', SAID GRAN-UNCLE GEORGE, ''MY FAVORITE''!

''I BROUGHT YOU THE NEWSPAPER TOO '',BEATRICE SAID SMILING'', ''AND BY THE WAY GRAN-UNCLE,

''GINO SAYS CIAO''!.

THE END.