That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

All was quiet and still in perfect suburbia that night.

A last dot here and a line there, and Jane Cleverley's cookies were complete. She, like the twelve other people invited to the cookie exchange, had made thirteen perfect Christmas-themed cookies. Jane had opted for a simple gingerbread man design, with a very special ingredient indeed. A smile spread across her face as she pushed that last cookie into line with the others. The innocent smile each one bore made her chuckle softly to herself. All except one single gingerbread man, whose mouth was an 'O' shape.

Several hours later, long after the winter sun had set, paving the way for the perfect suburban background to receive a perfect dusting of perfect snow, Jane made her way down the stairs of her perfect home. She checked her appearance one last time in the mirror, adjusting her chocolate-brown locks and swiping a little rogue plum lipstick from the corner of her mouth. Perfect. As she moved into her living room to check the décor was clean and tidy, the doorbell rang signalling her first guests.

"Merry Christmas, Jane!" Harry and James Curry were the first to arrive. An affluent couple, they both drove and wore their wealth.

"Harry! James! Merry Christmas! Come in!" Jane placed a suitable grin onto her face and, after kissing both men on the cheek, she accepted the immaculately wrapped box of cookies from James. "It's so good to see you both!" she closed the door and gestured for them to step inside. "You're the first ones here! Please, take a seat! May I offer you a drink? Wine? Champagne? Or something soft?"

"I'll take a soft drink, please," said Harry, sitting himself down on the opulent corner sofa. "I'm the designated driver for the evening. Give Jimmy a break."

"I'll take a glass of red, please, Jane," James smiled, placing a hand on Harry's thigh lightly.

"Right you are, I'll be back in a second."

Jane took the box of cookies into the kitchen. She poured out a glass of wine for James and let it breathe for a second while she unwrapped the cookies and smiled. A light dusting of icing sugar coated them all, somewhat heavily… Jane noticed that some of the cookies were patchy, where they'd been knocked slightly. That simply wouldn't do. They had to be perfect… she took out her own icing sugar and gave them a fix, all except one, which she kept aside. After placing them onto a plate, ready for later, she made her way into the living room and handed James his wine.

"So, Jane, this was such a sweet idea! Who would have thought of a cookie exchange? You would be excellent on our neighbourhood planning committee, you know. We could use more events like this." Harry took a sip of the water he'd taken from the carafe in the middle of the coffee table and smiled.

"Oh, I couldn't take part – I fear I'd fail if it were on a larger scale. Twelve guests is a nice dinner party – the whole neighbourhood is another level entirely!"

Before James could add anything further, the doorbell rang again. This time, four faces greeted Jane with a cry of 'Happy Holidays' – the Joneses and the Reeds had arrived, carpooling as always.

"Hello! Happy Holidays! Come in, come in! It's good to see all of you!" Jane stepped backwards and allowed them all in. Sarah and Ryan Jones handed her a box of Christmas tree shortbreads, and Polly and Anthony Reed handed her a box of perfectly iced cupcakes. Jane gave a perfect grin and closed the door.

Three more glasses of wine, another glass of water, and the cupcakes and shortbreads on plates, Jane returned to her guests who were chatting about the usual perfection they all chased after. Perfection that Jane saw straight through.

"So! Jane! Your home is beautiful, as always," said Sarah, looking around with her glass of wine in hand. "How do you do all this alone?"

"Oh, you know how it is, Sarah – you clean in the morning, then a good Christmas playlist and a few glasses of vino, and it's done in no time! Although my gardener does help with the outdoor lights. He usually brings his son over." Jane gave a demure smile, eyes glittering. Ryan shifted a little uncomfortably next to her; the look that flickered over his face was imperceptible unless one knew his history…

"Isn't he the one who got hit by the car? The guy did a hit and run apparently. Almost killed him," said Harry. Polly nodded. Ryan cleared his throat and shifted again.

"Yes, that's him. Peter Evans. Poor boy nearly died from his injuries and the car didn't even stop. Something about him being Hispanic-looking, I heard from his father. Although Toby Evans – his father – said that the driver was in such a large SUV, he probably didn't feel the weight of a one-hundred-pound seventeen year old hitting his front grill." Jane gave a shrug.

"Jeez," said Anthony, shaking his head. "I couldn't imagine doing something like that and just driving off. I know the Evanses. We go way back. My grandfather knew Toby's grandfather, something like that. They're a nice family."

"Such a shame for them. But I'm glad the boy's alright now,' Sarah smiled, patting her husband's knee. Ryan looked ashen-faced. "Ry? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah… just feeling a little queasy is all. Have been all day. It doesn't help thinking about that poor boy…" he rubbed his stomach to prove his point, and then smiled. "On a lighter note, I'd like to cordially point out that you, sir, owe me fifty dollars. Floss and Ted are late, as always." Ryan held his hand out to Anthony, who rolled his eyes and pulled out a fifty.

"I can't believe you're always right about them." Anthony put his cash back, ignoring Polly's glare. "Wait a second – there's a car pulling up right outside!"

"Damnit!" Ryan grinned, grateful as the attention turned to the new arrivals. The doorbell rang a few minutes later, and Jane excused herself.

"Floss! Ted! So good of you to come!" Jane kissed their cheeks and stepped aside to let them in. Snow had started to fall thickly.

"So sorry we're late, Janey! The snow's really coming down out there – I think we should cut tonight short if we can, it'll be impossible to drive I bet! Unless the others brought tire chains?" Floss removed her coat to reveal a very expensive dress, obviously brand-new and very designer.

"Well, let's get you in and warm first." Jane accepted the box of Christmas pudding-shaped cookies from Ted, who – in his usual fashion – said very little else than a gruff 'hello' beneath his thick moustache. "A drink?"

"Oh, I'll just have a soft one tonight," Floss smiled. "Ted'll have whatever's on offer."

"I've beer just for you, Ted." Jane gave a smile. Ted might just make it out of this one alive. A man of few words, henpecked by his wife who bled him dry and flirted with anything that had a heartbeat and a working cock.

"Thanks, Jane."

"Go on through. We're just waiting on Percy, I think, but he's going to be a little late. He only flew in this morning."

"Percy's coming? Wait a second – he flew in?!"

"Percy's coming." Floss's eyes lit up and she giggled, adjusting her hair in the mirror. She resembled a fifties pin-up, with her perfectly-curled hair and her red lip offset against creamy white skin. Her life reeked of privilege, and the four-by-four Mercedes outside fresh off the production line screamed it to the world. Florence DeMontefort was probably the worst one of them all. Theodore DeMontefort deserved better. Much better.

In view of the snowfall, Jane served a light dinner a little earlier than planned, meaning they'd finished the starters and were about to settle for the main course when Percy arrived. His flight had been on time – of course it had, Percy was never running late by accident, only ever by intention – and he'd collected the parcel for Jane which was necessary for her cookie exchange to be a roaring success. The doorbell rang as Jane stood at the foot of the table, ready to tell her guests to begin.

"Please, start without me – this will be Percy." Jane made her way to the door, keeping an ear out for the inevitable gossip Sarah would start about the food and the wine. She opened up the door and Percy smiled at her, his eyes twinkling. He handed her the parcel and kissed her cheek wordlessly, making his way into the dining room.

"Something smells good!" Percy beamed, removing his heavy leather jacket. To the others' horror, he slung it on the back of his dining chair and sat down heavily. Shock and horror covered every single guest's face. Percy grinned. "Jane, you outdid yourself again…"

"I prepared something a little more substantial for you, Perce," Jane said serenely, placing the parcel on the worktop next to the plates of baked goods. She then pulled a plate from the oven, revealing a small rack of tenderly-cooked ribs, some vegetables and a mound of mashed potatoes. The sliver of salmon parfait and salad the others had, save for the scoop of rosemary roasted potatoes, looked paltry in comparison. But no-one cared about that.

"Percy?!" Sarah gasped. "What happened to you?!"

"Are you feeling alright, buddy?" James asked, looking between Percy and the other guests.

"I'm feeling fine and dandy, James. Just peachy. It's cold out."

"Percy… you're – well," Polly began, trying to find the right words. "You're vegan – why are you… I mean… is the coat…?"

"Leather? Oh, yeah." The stench of the high-quality leather was unmistakeable. When Jane placed the ribs in front of him, Polly nearly fainted. "What can I say? This is the real me. It just took me long enough to realise lying to the world wasn't doing it for me." He picked up his fork and began to eat.

The group ate in almost near-silence, with Jane keeping the conversation going in a stilted manner. Percy had always presented to them as a perfect gentleman. No wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband in sight, the neighbourhood questioned whether he was gay or straight. He never spoke of relationships, he didn't eat animal products at all, and he didn't wear them either. He was for the earth, preferring to take the train instead of a car or a plane. He was always neatly groomed and well turned-out – so to see him in work boots, battered Levis and a heavy leather coat, eating ribs with an unkempt and rugged beard… well, that was a shock to the system for their little suburban bubble of perfection.

Jane watched as everyone finished their food. They looked around, all wanting to ask what had happened to Percy to make him change so drastically… but no-one dared. Even Floss hadn't pushed her cleavage forward onto the table.

"Well," Harry smiled after a moment of tense, awkward silence. "I guess if that snow's falling good and hard, we should crack open these cookies and get exchanging!"

"Yes, I agree!" Polly beamed. Bless her, Jane thought, shaking her head minutely. She'd have made a wonderful mom…

Jane ushered everyone into the sitting room, and then began clearing away plates efficiently and quickly. She opened up the parcel handed to her by Percy – whose booming voice now filled the house wonderfully – and added her own special little flair to each of the cakes and cookies and brownies before her. Percy, of course, didn't like cookies. He only liked date and walnut cake, and because he'd had such a stressful time getting here, he obviously wasn't taking part if he couldn't do so easily. The others were content with that. After fifteen minutes, Jane returned to the sitting room with the goods in her arms on a large tray.

"Alright, everyone, Harry and James brought these beautiful chocolate chip snowman cookies, with a light dusting of coconut-flavoured sugar if I'm not mistaken?" Harry and James nodded. "Sarah and Ryan brought some beautiful Christmas tree shortbread cookies, with a dusting of icing sugar snow – a very thoughtful touch. Polly and Anthony have dazzled us with these perfect Poinsettia cupcakes. I hope there's a special treat inside, Polly!" Polly blushed. Jane wasn't talking about Polly's signature hazelnut chocolate filling, though. "And Floss and Ted have brought us some cookies shaped like Christmas puddings!" Jane laid the tray down. "And my addition, some gingerbread men."

"They look a little shocked, Jane!" Anthony laughed. Percy simply watched.

"Well, they are shockingly good…" Jane gave a demure giggle. Everyone reached over and took a cookie from the various plates. Jane noted, as she'd hoped, that no-one touched Floss' cookies yet. Her baking was notoriously bad, but she didn't care much for it.

"These are so cute! It's almost as though they know all our secrets, Jane!" Sarah grinned. She took a bite out of the gingerbread man's head, having already polished off a cupcake. Jane sat back, picking up the only gingerbread man that was smiling. She ate the whole thing, and sat back.

"Well, perhaps they do know all your secrets, Sarah." Sarah's eyes widened, and she looked at Jane.

"What do you mean?" Jane simply smiled.

"Secrets?" Ryan looked at his wife, puzzled. "What does she mean, secrets? We have no secrets. Right?" he looked panicked too. Harry and James picked up another cookie each, and sat back, bemused.

"It was sad what happened to little Ronnie Gibson in September," Floss muttered. Sarah stiffened.

"Yes. Very."

"Oh! Yeah, I heard about him!" James said, sitting forward. "Wasn't he killed in that event at school? Someone fed him nuts or something? One of the moms took almond brownies into school and it killed him!" he looked at Sarah.

"I heard it wasn't one of the moms," Harry said. "I heard it was one of the PTA members."

"I don't feel so good, you know," Sarah said softly, finishing her mouthful of chocolate chip cookie. Jane smiled.

"I'm sure little Ronnie said the same thing when his throat swelled up, honey." The glint in her eye was dangerous. "After all, you always do say your brownies are deadly." Sarah clutched her stomach. "Much like we all say Ryan's driving is deadly. We never really mean it literally… but…"

"No…" Ryan paled.

"Peter Evans almost died from his injuries, didn't he, Ryan? But it doesn't matter… as you always say, there are enough Hispanics in this country, nobody will miss one…" Jane's lips curled as Ryan clutched his stomach too.

"You? You both killed kids?! Or tried to?!" Anthony whispered.

"Like you can play the innocent!" Ryan spat. "You pushed that old guy over when we went out for a drink – the one who died on the street? He was in your way and you told the police he'd tripped – argh!"

"Ant? Is that true?!" Polly looked shocked as she swallowed her mouthful of cookie.

"The old fart was in my way! We wanted to get in and he was doddering around – no-one would miss him!" Anthony frowned as his own stomach started to hurt.

"You kept that from me?!" Sarah breathed, bent double.

"My god…" Harry sat back. Polly looked down.

"Innocent Polly Pocket… or should that be Polly Pickpocket?" Jane smiled. "Would you like to tell them all how you stole your work's charity box and bought yourself a dress that you threw away because it didn't fit you?"

"Pff," scoffed Floss.

"And you… cheating every other day on Ted. Using his money to pay for hotel rooms and cars and meals, treating your underage escorts to everything they could possibly want."

"Underage?!" Ted gasped. The most emotion he'd shown in the five years Jane had known him. He also hadn't touched a single cookie – he didn't have a sweet tooth. Jane had banked on it. "UNDERAGE?!"

"I – no! No, he was seventeen –" Floss started to panic.

"And fifteen, and twelve, and fourteen, and sixteen… you name it, Floss has done it." Jane stood as Harry and James made to leave.

"We're going to go…" James said.

"Ohhhh no, no you're not," Jane smiled. Percy stood too. Sarah and Ryan were starting to convulse. "Not while our friends are here. After all, I'm sure they'd all love to hear about how their perfect, idyllic couple supply the local community with anything illegal they might need. Sarah, darling, the PTA will be pleased to know the resident gay couple aren't gay at all. It's a squeaky clean veneer for drug and firearm sales to the rich youth." Jane shrugged.

"What did you do the cookies, Jane?" Polly asked softly, wiping vomit from her lips.

"Percy very kindly brought me a special ingredient I'd been missing. I had a light dusting of arsenic for some of the cookies, but I could hardly dust the cookies and expect it to pass. No… the cupcakes got a healthy dose of a special traceless poison."

"You're killing us?" Floss asked. Harry and James had taken a seat.

"Let's call it a balance of karma. You lied to the world and made it all seem sweet, but you've all caused destruction and pain. I've lied to you… you get it." Jane sat down. Ted stood.

"I won't say a word," he said quietly.

"Ted, don't leave me," Floss whispered.

"Happy Christmas, Floss. Jane… Percy… Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Ted."

All was quiet and still in perfect suburbia that night.