Around and Around We Go

I am too stubborn for my own good many people have told me. Ironically, I used to vehemently argue that this was not true. Yet, I have come to realize that, indeed, this is not just an opinion, but just a fact. You may ask what could change such a stubborn person's mind like this? To answer this question, we will have to take this story way back to a time in my life where I was very impressionable. I came to a major crossroad in my life. Without, further ado let us rewind this story to the summer of 2004.

I woke that fateful morning in a cold sweat. I was about 11 years old, and I had just had my first romantic dream. No big deal, right? No wrong. It was a dream of epic proportions. It was about me and my best friend, Tory. Oh no! A gay dream, surely that cannot be a good thing, I thought to myself. Yet here I am sitting in my bed smiling.

What do I do as a good Christian girl when I had a gay sex dream about my best friend? I run off as quickly as I could, trying to suppress the smile, and yes, I tell my parents. Of course, I do not have to hide that smile for long. Because that morning as I stood in the kitchen explaining my dream to my mother. I asked her if I was gay, and if God still loved me if I was? She tells me something that will stick with me forever. She tells me to pray about it and that it was "The devil" putting sinful thoughts into my head. They expected me to resist the devil and his thoughts.

Well, that is that I thought. I am not gay the devil is just messing with me and that means I can beat this. So, I set out to do just that for the next 17 years. I jumped from one disastrous relationship with men to another. Landing myself in an abusive relationship. I was with the man that was later the father of my two beautiful daughters.

My abusive husband was so fascinated when I told him about my dream and my feelings of being gay. He began used it for his own selfish pleasure. He forced threesomes and non-monogamy for years. I wanted out and many times I tried to leave saying I was gay. Over and over, I came back though. How could I be gay and keep coming back to the same man? This question plagued me for the next 8 years.

Let me simply say this to this situation. Guilt and the need to please God and my family are so strong that I would do anything to please them. Even swear off my own happiness. That is exactly what I did in the name of trying to get right with God and stay in his good grace. I would pray every time I found a woman beautiful. I would go to church more every time I craved a relationship with a woman. I would relive the trauma my ex-husband created to fight off the "devil" and his attempts to make me gay.

So strong was the need to beat this sin in my life that I got married twice and engaged another time. In fact, here I sit writing this story, and with every strike of the keys, I see that flash of an engagement ring. He has no idea of any of this. Not the dreams, the feelings, the shame, and guilt. This is all hidden deep inside of me. Like a hidden treasure. A secret room hidden from all. That I only visit when I am all alone.

Why does this stubbornness persist? Could it be that when I left my ex-husband the first thing my mom said was "I understand now, why you were pretending to be gay. To get away from him." Oh wait, is that what I was doing? Is she right? Was it just a defense mechanism? So, for the last two years, I have battled a new thought. Was I just using gay as a way to get away? That would be completely despicable to me if that is the truth.

So what was my solution to fix this new cognitive dissonance? Oh, of course, I found the closest guy I could find that was decent and I met him dated for a bit, and then ended up engaged. That ought to fix things, right? Of course, not at all. This has just created a new problem. People are getting hurt. So I can run away from my own biology and please my parents and God. A God who I am pretty sure does not hate gays as much as the Christians say he does.

So, here I sit still fighting my urges, lying to everyone around me, myself included. So strong is my stubbornness that I fight something that is so innately part of who I am. It is not a need to rebel or hide or even an excuse that gets me out of relationships with minimally hurt feelings. It just is. It is hormones, feelings, thought, personality. All things are created and formed by God. Everyone tells me God is never wrong but the way he made me is. I am still waiting for someone to explain this one to me. I have a feeling I will be waiting forever, for someone to explain this to me.

Pride month is just a few weeks away and all I can think is. What the hell am I doing? You may want to judge me for the tasteless use of a curse word, but honestly, I mean it. I mean that I am in my own personal hell every day. Lying, faking happiness, pretending that I am looking for the right husband. That all the others just did not cut it not because they were men but because of some flaws whether real or imagined.

I have some to a new crossroad. I could choose to continue in the disastrous cycle. Until I either find someone to settle down with and continue to fake it all for the rest of my known life. I could hope that it is good enough for God and my family. Or I could come out and stay out be happy but possibly face the rejection of my family and God.

What would you do if you were me?

I push on day after day. I pray day after day. I go to church day after day. And still, I am gay. Still too stubborn to admit it. That brings me full circle I am too stubborn for my own good.