16 likes
8 comments
Rushing through me was a bank of emotions I had held in for a couple of months. I had finally decided to pick the happy book. This is a story of a promise I made to myself. You know how you stand over a catalogue for a long time thinking of which book to pick. That was me. My name is Melanie James, a sophomore in College of Pharmacy. I'm on spring break and I'm spending it at my Aunt's place with her family. There is this book I've been neglecting for a while now titled "BE HAPPY". But I decided finally to pick it .
April 1st, 2020
Waking up in the morning to the breath of fresh air, I feel a surge of happiness threaten to burst forth. Well after picking up that book and deciding to a happy and better me, I had no choice. Today is the day I start.
"Melanie, breakfast is ready". Aunt Agnes calls
"Coming". I saunter into the kitchen
"Well, well, look who's bright and cherry this morning"
"Oh aunty, what's wrong with being happy?"
"Hmm huh, I hope it lasts"
" Yeah, me too".
Truth is, I've been on a 50-50 scale, partly sad, partly happy and some days just plain sad. One day, My Uncle comes home and tells me that I'll accompany him to work and help him with whatever deems fit. I've been on hospital trips before but it had never been personal, it's always for knowledge and grades.
A week earlier
Stepping into John Bloom's Medical Center brings back memories of hospital trips with my friends and colleagues. The hospital is a bee hive of activity. Everybody is waiting to get checked out. Trying to keep up the pace with my uncle, we're greeted by his receptionist, a good looking woman with a warm smile. The label on the door reads " Timothy Grant" , MD. As I step in, the scent of lavender and warm air greets my face. I am greatly impressed by the office design and equipment arrangement. The receptionist runs through his appointment list and the day at the hospital begins to roll. I sit tight listening to all the cases. Amidst all the cases, one stands out, the last one, a paraplegic war veteran who served in the Armed Forces back in the days is diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer. My stomach churns, my heart stutters, I begin to feel warm in my palms. His grand daughter who wheeled him in is a tall slim lady with lines of worry etched on her forehead. Asides that, she looks completely beautiful with her model like looks. She steps out with my uncle for a while. I mean a decorated war hero that he is doesn't deserve to die this way. He deserves better but then life is not always fair. He looks quite undisturbed. I guess he sees it as an announcement not a pronouncement. The silence is creepy. I feel the air pregnant with emotions and unspoken words.
"Lieutenant Tom Davis"
"Melanie James, I'm a relative of Dr. Tim"
He kept staring at me like he could read my soul. I kept Wondering what he'll say next. If telepathy were a gift, I say he has it.
"Don't worry I'm not into soul searching or whatever you people call it these days"
"Okay" I say
"I've lived life if not all a fair share of it". His eyes moisten and gleam with memories
"I served my country well, played with the boys, walked my daughter down the aisle - "
"You really lived life", I said
"I did but can I give you a piece of advice"
" Go ahead, make my day", I said
" Live life happy, enjoy each day rather than enduring each day"
The advice did sink in. The glow and joy on his face made my heart hitch. Just then, Uncle Tim returned to the office with his granddaughter.
"Pardon my manners, I'm Julie Davis. Thanks for keeping my grandad company"
"Oh no, don't mention, I'm Melanie James"
"Hope he wasn't a bore"
"Julie I'm wounded" , He faked hurt
"Not at all", I smiled
"Thanks Dr.Tim" Julie said
"Just doing my job" Uncle Tim replied
"We will stay in touch" Julie said
"Here is my card, you're free to call me at anytime for whatever you need"
" You're so kind, however what I need is for this old man to take his meds and stop giving me grief" Julie says as she wheels him out
"Goodbye" I say waving at them
"So I'm grieving you now right?"
"I'm not dead yet and you're in grief... "
The friendly banter continues
"Wait" , I call out
"Thanks for the advice Lieutenant Tom, you made my day indeed"
"Please call me Tom and you're welcome"
"May the force be with you"
"Amen" Tom says placing a hand on his chest
"Goodbye Melanie", they chorus
"Don't tell me you bored the innocent girl with your stories"
"I'm hurt that you think I'm boring and...
They continue to chat happily.
"Melanie, it's time to go"
"I'm coming Uncle Tim"
Upon arrival at the house, I wash my hands and go to the kitchen. My uncle however goes to the kitchen, greeting his wife with a kiss before checking around for food. That man loves food and so do I.
"I'm starving" , I say as I greet my aunt
"Good evening"
"How was work"
"It was great" I heave in reply
"Don't worry, just go take a shower, I'll make dinner", Aunt Agnes says
After eating dinner, I climb into my bed exhausted and fall into a deep slumber. Waking up the next morning had me thinking that my life is a miracle. I quickly got my jotter and pen. I thought about why I should be happy and grateful and reasons not to be. I started writing. I used to think I got to get to school but the truth is I'm happy because I get to go to school. I thought I have to go shopping for groceries but in reality I get to have those groceries because I can afford to. I thought eating was a norm but I get to eat because I can. I kept writing and at the end of it I discovered that I have nothing to be unhappy about. I made my decision that from the beginning of spring , I will be happy and I will work towards being better and grateful.
April 1st, 2020
"Melanie, Melanie," Michael and Tim Jr. Call out
"Look at the most handsome boys in the whole world"
"Are you ready for today?"
"Yes, we are " they chorus as they run into the kitchen to greet their mom
"Okay, time to eat, everyone settle down"...
Life is a rollercoaster but I choose not to let it overwhelm me. I choose to be happy. I made a promise to myself and I intend to keep it. So help me God. Amen.
You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.
You can really see how Melanie changes in the story.
Reply
This was too cute! I enjoyed it!
Reply
Thank you!
Reply
The title is like the cherry on the cake. Great story! 😀
Reply
Thank you!
Reply
Thank you!
Reply
Hi Caleb!
Reedsy teamed me up with you to critique your story. I am a very straightforward person and I read my own work very critically, so please don't feel offended by anything I might say that you don't like. I hope you will take it as constructive criticism and something you can work towards. Of course, you might disagree with me on some things, and certainly you are under no obligation to follow my advice, but I hope you will find what I have to say useful to some degree.
First off, let me say, I am assuming, by your surname, that English is not your first language and I have huge admiration for people who have the guts to write in their second language. That must be one of the most difficult things on the planet. Hands down! So hats off to you for being so brave! :)
The first thing that popped out at me was your use of speech marks, or quotation marks. There are a few rules governing them: 1. The final punctuation mark (.?!,) of your character's sentence must come before the closing quotation marks, that is, it must be inside the quotation marks. For instance, "That's what I said"! is incorrect. It should read, "That's what I said!" Also, there should not be a space between the opening speech marks and the first word of the quote - " That's what I said!" should be, "That's what I said!"
I noticed some quotes didn't have closing punctuation marks at all. These are little things that make your writing look more professional and it is worth taking the time to make sure they are correct. It also gets rid of little formatting problems like quotation marks being on one line and the first word of the quote on the next line.
Secondly, be careful of the adjectives you use, or figures of speech, or idiomatic expressions. Make sure they paint the right picture. One example from your story that most stood out to me was, "I felt a surge of happiness threaten to burst forth." The word, "threaten" implies negativity, and is immediately preceded by the very positive emotion of happiness. That can create a bit of confusion in the reader.
It could have worked if you had implied, prior to that sentence, that the protagonist felt forced by someone or something to have to get her act together and stop being depressed, but she didn't really want to. Then that word, 'threaten', would have worked like a charm, but as it is, it kind of just feels out of place. So be sensitive to things like that. We can use grand words till we're blue in the face, but if they don't compliment the mood we are creating with the simple words, the grand words won't do anything to improve our writing.
Overall I liked the flow of the story in terms of the ideas. I would suggest you try to link them a little better. The single sentence (with no full stop or colon at the end of it), "A week earlier" didn't do what I think you were meaning it to do. You have quite a conversational style going in the first paragraph and then suddenly we have a line that looks like it comes from a stage play script, that is, a completely different style.
Be sensitive about when to use those kinds of things. Only now that I'm critiquing your work and really taking time to go back and look at it again, I'm realising how your timeline works and how that line actually fits in. It didn't jump out at me the first time I read it, and that means you haven't mastered it.
If you're jumping timelines, especially if you're writing in such a conversational style, you need to do it with a proper introduction. Such as, "But wait, let me tell you where my turning point was. It happened a week before I finally worked up the courage to pick up that book." Just an example, but I hope you get the idea of what I mean.
Then, the mindset of the protagonist was not very clear at the beginning. I wasn't left with a definite impression of this person's state of mind. All I could make out was that Melanie was putting off reading a book about being happy. There were maybe one or two lines in the main body of the story that could allude to the fact that she was cheeky and had a don't care attitude, specifically the one that reads, ""Go ahead. Make my day.""
It actually jumped out at me as unusual and something I would not have expected that character to say. This is because I was not given a clear picture of that attitude in Melanie before that point. She seemed a little timid and confused to me, but very polite and respectful. So that line actually left me a little confused. It takes more than one line to make the reader aware of the mood of a character.
I'm a little unsure of the line, "My stomach churns, heart stutters..." It seemed like a very extreme reaction, one of fear, or shock, or betrayal, that isn't really supported by the revelation of what caused those feelings in the character. I was expecting it to be someone they knew and were very close to, who had perhaps hidden from them the fact that they were ill, but then it turns out to be a complete stranger. This might have made more sense if the line, "I mean, a decorated war hero..." came right after the description of Melanie's stomach churn. Although I still feel like such an extreme reaction is a little melodramatic.
Just a little thing there too: "Asides that..." is not a recognised phrase. Alternatives would be, "Aside from that..." or, "Besides that fact..."
And be careful of massively long paragraphs. Break your work up into smaller groups of thought. It just makes for an easier read.
I did like the last paragraph, it certainly made everything before it come into more clarity. If the goal was to keep the reader guessing about the outcome, it would still have been better to make the protagonist's negative mindset more clear from the beginning. And perhaps show them as still not being convinced that they want to be happy or grateful for anything, because look how cruel life is to that poor army veteran and how his granddaughter disrepects him. Then that last paragraph could really be a sudden ray of sunlight when Melanie actually decides not to take her privileges for granted. :)
Just some pointers on sentence construction there: Some of the sentences were confusing because of wording. "I used to think I got to get to school but the truth is I'm happy because I get to go to school." Actually some simple improvements in punctuation could help your reader out a lot there. "I used to think, "Ugh, I've got to go to school!" but the truth is, I'm happy, because I get to go to school." An even better rewrite would be something like this: "I used to think it was a drag to have to go to school, but the truth is, I have every reason to be happy that I get to go to school and have an education!"
A last note: Keep reading as many (good) English novels as you can, written by native English speakers. This is the best way to improve your grasp on idiomatic language usage. One book that I think you would very much enjoy is Harper Lee's "To Kill A Mockingbird." You might have read it already. If you haven't, and even if you have, it's a good one to study for the type of style that you seem to like to write in.
I hope all this makes sense. Again, I salute you for your creativity and for the guts it takes to put your work out there that's written in your second (or maybe even third) language. I know it is super difficult and I hope the pointers I have given will help you to grow and thrive in your craft. You certainly are a storyteller! That much is evident. Don't stop trying, making mistakes, learning, and growing. God bless you!
Kind Regards
Claire Sally
Reply
Thank you Claire. Your corrections are well received. God bless you
Reply