Separation

“So… it’s over? Just like that. Everything we’ve gone through… this is it?”

“Come on, Janice. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be!”

“What does that even mean? Why are you acting like this isn’t a big deal? I dedicated three years of my life to this – and this is how it’s supposed to end? Tell me how I’m supposed to take it easier, Jeff – please explain to me how I can pretend like this is not a huge fuc-”

“Calm down before you say something you’ll regret. And keep your voice down. Jesus.”

“Okay. Okay. Okay… what do we do now?”

“Well, I suppose the civil thing to do is separate what is ours and clean up.”

“Right. Well, the silverware is mine. My grandma left them to me in her will. And the house is mine too. It seems fair that I should get to keep it, after all.”

“Fine. Obviously the truck is mine since my name is on the title.”

“Not like I can drive it, anyway. You were supposed to teach me how to drive stick, remember?”

“If we get through this, maybe I can still teach you one day.”

“Yeah right. Anyway, the candles are mine.”

“Why the hell would I want a bunch of candles?”

“They aren’t just ordinary candles, Jeff – they are collector pieces and expensive! Do you ever listen to a word I say? Some of those candles are worth hundreds of dollars.”

“Hundreds? See, this is why we’re in this damn situation! You have no self control over your irrational spending! Who the hell spends hundreds of dollars on some scented wax?”

“You take that back right now, you ignorant bastard! My candles are worth more than those stupid video games you blow your money on!”

“At least spending money on video games is normal! Seriously, tell me how spending that kind of money on a candle is normal?”

“News flash – I’m not normal! I never pretended to be! Unlike you. Jesus… what was I thinking when I agreed to move in with you? You’re nothing but a human red flag!”

“Well, I can say the exact same thing about you! If I had known how deranged you were I never would have swiped on your photo.”

“Please! You can’t be serious right now! I was the best thing that ever happened to you, and you know it!”

“Shut the hell up before somebody hears us. Screaming like a banshee… this is why we were kicked out of that apartment on Gilbert…”

“Whatever, we were kicked out because you conveniently lost the rent. I should have ran right then and there. I was so stupid.”

“Come on and help me move this thing, it’s heavy as hell.”

“I never signed up for any of this… my mother was so right. I should never have trusted you.”

“Well, baby, two wrongs don’t make a right. Your mom was an insufferable cow. Looks like the apple doesn’t fall far –”

“You must want a spot next to him, don’t you?”

“Yeah… you’re right. That was a bit of a low blow.” 

“What will we tell Marty? He’ll know something’s wrong when you don’t come home.”

“We won’t tell him anything.”

“And why not?”

“Because Marty is a damn cat, Janice. He won’t even know I’m gone. He’ll just eat kibble and lick his asshole just like every other day.”

“First of all, that’s disgusting and not true. They say cats have the intelligence of a three year old child. He’ll know that you are gone and he will grieve for you. Is that what you want, to give our cat depression?”

“Well Jesus, what do you suggest we do? Joint parenting? He’s a cat! You baby him too much. He ain’t a kid and you can’t keep treating him like one. It isn’t healthy and it’s damn weird.”

“I might have a real kid if –”

“Don’t start.”

“Why? What’s the point now? Let’s go ahead and just get it all out in the open!”

“Jesus Christ…”

“No! No, let’s have it! I might have a real baby right now if you didn’t go and get the vasectomy! I can’t believe you would do something like that without even telling me! And you know I always wanted kids!”

“Well, it’s my damn body, you know! And let’s be real, honey – you are in no position to be raising kids.”

“Okay, so it’s your body when you want a surgery that keeps me from having babies, but it isn’t my body when I want a certain type of birth control to help me with my regularity? Do you realize how freaking hypocritical you sound right now?”

“Lay off. This isn’t like that at all. Shit, do you have any idea how many women would jump for joy to have a man who can’t knock them up?”

“Oh, I’m sure of it! Since you’ve cheated for practically our entire relationship.”

“You really are a bitter hag. It was one time and I apologized so many times. You never know when to let go.”

“Oh, I know when to let go. I just… I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Ah… hey, quit crying. It isn’t that big of a deal… people separate all the time. It isn’t like we were married –”

“Like that makes it any better? Seriously? Can you imagine waiting three years thinking that you will be proposed to by the man of your dreams at any point and then it never happens? Instead you are broken up with in the middle of nowhere digging a hole with a broken shovel.”

“Well, who’s fault is that?”

“Yours! You just had to actually shoot him. He was taking his wallet out of his pocket! He was going to give you the money and you shot him anyway!”

“Of course I did! He had a gun, idiot!”

“It wasn’t even loaded! And now we are going to live the rest of our lives with this guilt. We would have figured out the bill. You didn’t have to rob him. You didn’t have to kill him!”

“Shut. Up. And lower your damn voice. What is wrong with you? Do you want to go to prison?”

“I don’t know, maybe! Can you actually tell me that you will be fine living free and knowing that you ended someone’s life for six hundred dollars?”

“The government does it all the time, so why should I feel any different?”

“You really are unbelievable. How can you make a sick joke like that at a time like this?”

“You know what’s wrong with you, besides the obvious constant bitching? You have absolutely no guts. You complain and act like a victim but when it comes right down to it, you never stand for anything. So I call bullshit. You won’t do anything. You’ll continue to live your carefree little life and treat a cat like a human kid. And when that cat dies, either from you smothering it or from obesity, you’ll snap. You will try to speak up but your words will catch in your throat. You don’t want to go to prison. You know you won’t last. So you’ll paint yourself like the innocent little victim you are and make me out to be the big bad guy, because it is comfortable and that is the dialogue you feel the safest with. You’ll tell everyone how I dragged you along, abused you, gave you some Stockholm Syndrome with a nice layer of Gas Lighting and that is why you were in the wrong place at the wrong time when this rich old bastard bit the dust. But you’ll conveniently leave out the part where you purposely seduced him, brought him to our home, and set him up to where I could catch him with his pants down for some good old fashioned blackmail. This was your idea, darling. Don’t you dare forget that this was your idea and like everything else we have ever done together, it did not work out the way you wanted it to.”

“Jeff…”

“That’s seriously all you have to say? Come on, Janice, grow a damn spine! You wanted to have it out! Now’s your chance! Tell me exactly what you think!”

“Jeff.”

“Jesus Christ. What?”

“He’s still alive.”