Where I Was Happy

 I breathed in the salty morning air. I let it run through my body, to calm my nerves. I found myself back here. The place where I was birthed, the place where I was raised, and the place where I left.

I flagged down a taxi, my nerves going crazy. The countryside zoomed past as I made my way. I don't know how to feel. Happy, Sad, Anxious,...disgusted.

I continued on, my anxiety settling as the sense of familiarity washed over me. I let out a happy sigh at the land before me.

"I'll get out here now, thank you."

I paid the cabby and made my way on foot.

As soon as my loafers touched the grass, my heart felt like it burst.

I took off my suit jacket, folding it onto my arm.

My shoes were next, then my socks.

I untied my tie and left everything on the ground next to me.

I was left in my white button-up and black dress pants, not really caring if anyone saw this, a grown man undressing on a hill next to the highway.

I laid on the grassy knoll, my favorite place.

I visited here every day as a child. 

It’s hidden from the highway, the perfect place, my perfect place.

Rolling down it, I let out a real laugh, one I thought vanished a long time ago.

I didn’t know if coming back here was a good choice.

The pain I felt at this place still fresh in my mind...

But the smell of the salty breeze changed my mind once more. 

I should leave…

I did not want to.

This was my wonderland, my safe place.

That day I left, my 18th birthday, I came back here.

I laid here and cried. 

I wasn’t ready to grow up.

I rolled onto my back, looking at the light-blue sky, eyeing the fluffy white clouds that seemed to never leave my memories.

Unwanted tears escaped my eyes.

But these ones were happy.

Happy to be safe

Happy to be healthy

Happy to be back home.

I start laughing, my tears still rolling down my cheeks.

I wanna stay here forever…

I know I could not.

In a city I hate, my low-paying office job, my too-small apartment, and my divorce wait for me in reality. It sucks there, reality.

I stand up and look at my surroundings.

The cliffside is just a bit away, just across the highway…and you’ll be happy forever.

No. NO. I would not allow those thoughts to come again. 

I looked both ways before I crossed. I’m at the very edge, any slight movement and I’d be gone. 

I imagined myself falling into the icy ocean waters below, my body sinking while my lungs burned for me to move, but couldn’t.

Something pulled me away from the edge that night, that final night.

I still have nightmares, I see the ghost of my younger self, drowning me in my own tears.

I fell back down, angry and tearful.

I wish things would go back...back when I was happy. Before these thoughts entered my already fucked mind,

I grasped at my hair, clenching my teeth. 

“I WISH I WAS HAPPY!” 

I ran to the cliffside, not bothering to look both ways this time.

I was at the edge once again. 

Nothing was pulling me away this time.

I was barefoot, crying, and ready to die.

The ghost of myself was next to me, wanting me to take the final step.

Was this how the story ended?

No.

I walked back to my grassy hill and laid back down.

I just wanna be free.

I don’t know how long I laid there, but before I knew it the sun was setting.

I didn’t wanna leave just yet, no I didn’t wanna leave at all.

It was settled.

I grabbed my phone, but there was no signal. 

Figures.

I just sighed and looked back at the sunset. 

I remember when I didn’t wanna go back home, I’d stay here

I’d snuggle myself into the grass and fall asleep gazing at the stars.

I did exactly that.

At the moment, a shooting star passed my vision.

I quickly made my wish, knowing it was childish and immature of me, but I didn’t care.

“I wish to stay here forever, being happy.”

My wish caught the wind, making it’s way to the heavens

I just hope someone  up there could make it come true

I snuggled back into the grass

It was a cold July night, colder than expected

Did I care?

I continued my gazing, the sky was moonless, stars as far as I could see.

They went on forever.

I was happy once, right here. I’m happy. 

A smile grew on my face as I drifted to sleep, my dreams full of the stars.

I was flying, smiling widely. All my pain was washed away, my depression, stress, and anxiety were gone. I was free, free as a bird.

But then it shifted. 

I was falling.

Down

Down

Down.

I didn’t hit anything, I just keep falling. 

I woke up cold as ice.

It was early morning. 

The grass around me was dewy and smelled of summer mornings.

I took a deep breath. 

The nightmare I had before was gone from my brain in a flash. 

Remember, you’re happy right now. No negativity. 

I stood up, stretching.

My limbs were stiff and cold, I was basically dead.

But I was the most alive I’ve ever been.

Soon, the sun was rising and my grassy hill was showered in golden light. 

Tears didn’t come this time.

I enjoyed this beautiful moment of being happy. 

I was happy.

I’m happy.

My smile grew and grew.

I knew I wasn’t ready to get back to reality, but I also knew it was finally time to grow up.

My soul felt young again, happy, and carefree. I wasn’t ready back then.

I’m not ready now.

I put on my socks, then my shoes.

My suit jacket fitted snugly once again.

I’m not ready and I don’t think I’ll ever be, but I'm happy.

I made my way to the cliffside, my mind clear.

“Thank you...” I whispered to the sky.

I turned around and made my way back to the city I hate, back to my low-paying office job, my too-small apartment, and to finalize my divorce.

But it’s all gonna be okay.

I’m happy.