A Deal With A Deity

"I'm here!" I shouted to the heavens as I dropped to knees in exhaustion. I didn't know where the hell I was but this was where I was probably supposed to be. The message said go east and after a few bottles of whatever I was drowning myself in, I finally decided to listen to that damned message and go east.

"Find her." Came another cryptic message. Find who? Who the hell is 'her'?

"Wow, can you be even more cryptic?" I sarcastically shouted then grabbed a handful of dirt through it in the air.

"Son, are you okay?" I looked up and saw an elderly man standing over me. His grey hair and khaki clothes definitely suited this downtroded town. The wooden structures looked ready to fall apart with the next strong gust of wind. Seeing that I was in the middle of desert, I probably shouldn't have expected much.

"He's got a couple of screws missing, I'll take care of him." There it was. The one constant thing in my life that I could count on; someone always wanting to kill me. Each person was different from the last though so at least they were getting creative with their murderers. The last guy only had one eye and walked with a limp and the guy before that didn't have any thumbs. At least this guy had all his limbs, senses and fingers. The weird thing about this guy was that he was naked.

"Go put on some clothes and what did I tell you about that gun? You can't keep scaring people away from our town." The elderly man was clearly in charge I guess.

"We don't want some wackjob in town." He aimed his gun at me so all I waited for was his finger on the trigger.

"Of course not, we already have you." The elderly man tried pushing his gun away from me and that's when everything froze as usual. I reluctantly rolled out of the way before the world continued spinning. I heard a shot going off then saw the bullet landing exactly where I was kneeling a moment ago.

"I'm going to get a drink." I stood up and left the two guys dumbfounded.

"Hey, we didn't say you could enter the town." The naked man probably pointed his gun at me again because the world froze once again. I took a step to my right and everything went about normally, or as normally as they could get. The gun fired again but I felt the bullet fly just past my left ear.

"For god's sake put that gun away." The elderly man told him but the world froze again. I was getting tired of this so I turned around and saw the elderly man grab the gun which prompted another bullet flying just past my shoulder. I walked towards the two men wrestling then launched a punch which connected perfectly with the naked mans jaw and ended up knocking him unconscious.

"Stop wasting your bullets on me." I told them then turned around and began making my way down the dusty street.

"Hey you!" I heard a shout then felt a stone hit my back. I stopped in my tracks then turned towards the voice and saw a woman in a flannel shirt standing by the door of an old wooden house.

"You look like you could use a drink." She motioned for me to come inside before she disappeared into the structure. Finally someone was being hospitable in this crappy town. I didn't know what to expect from her but it's not like she could kill me so I slowly dragged my tired body up the stairs of the porch then entered the house.

I found myself tackled onto the grund as soon as I entered the house. A pair of handcuffs immediately tied my hands behind my back before I was being lifted up to my knees.

"Look, I am into all these kinky things as well but I could really use something to drink." I told the woman as she closed the door behind her then went over to a chair and sat down as she faced me.

"Dirty hobos that stumbled into town isn't my type." She took a cigarette out of her pocket then lit it.

"Could've fooled me." I saw her fiddling with something in her pocket before she took her hand out again but this time the world froze again. I fell to the ground before things resumed and I saw a knife embedding itself in the door behind me, barely missing me.

"That's what I thought. Naked Mike should've killed you and so should that knife so why do the gods want you alive?" She asked me as I stretched myself out on the ground so that I could at least be somewhat comfortable.

"Maybe I'm just lucky." I replied.

"Luck is dodging one bullet, not three and a knife so I am going to ask you again; why do the gods not want you dead?" Wait, was she the woman I was supposed to find? She did say 'gods' twice so maybe she knows something.

"It's my punishment for tricking the gods." I finally informed her but her laugh clearly showed her disbelief.

"I don't know what's harder to believe; you tricking a god or the gods punishing you by making you invincible." Her laughter wiped away any thought I had that she was the person I was supposed to find.

"Trust me, not being able to die gets old very quickly." I sighed as I prepared myself to stay on the ground for a while. Her laughter stopped and she stood up then made her way over to me.

"What are you doing?" I asked her as she took the handcuffs off me.

"You're not the first nutjob to come through here claiming that the gods are messing with him." She made her way to the corner of room then threw a bottle of water in my direction. I immediately opened the bottle and drained it. The water flowing down my throat was a welcomed relief and instantly energized my body again. I sat up as she returned to her seat.

"So why are you here?"

"I was told to go east and when I got here I was told that I need to find a girl or woman." I informed her.

"Maybe the gods want you to settle down and start a family."

"After they took my family away, I wouldn't put it past them."

"So they made you invincible, how does that work?"

"If my life is being threatened then the world freezes and I am able to move out of danger."

"What happens if you don't move?"

"I die. It's not as fun as people think."

"You tried it."

"There's always someone ready to kill me wherever I go so there's no shortage of attempts but then the gods just rewind the time until before my life is threatened and I am back where I started. After a while I just gave in and now I am here."

"Welcome then. Hopefully you find whoever it is you're looking for." She stood up then and blew a cloud of smoke my direction.

"Do you do this to everyone who comes to town?"

"Trust me, if you end up at this town somehow then you did something to piss off the gods so I need to know if you're a threat or not." She told me as I stood up as well.

"Val, you in here?" A woman asked outside. The door opened and I immediately knew why I was sent to this town.

"Alice." I made my way towards her. I reached out to her so that I could be sure that she was real but I was met with a swift smack to my cheek.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Alice asked me she folded her arms over her chest.

"Looking for you apparently. I never thought I'd see you again."

"That was the point. You ruined my life just to settle a stupid bet. You're the most selfish piece of crap I've ever met. What did you think would happen if you tricked the gods? They would just let you live a long happy life?"

"Not the long life at least." I tried a joke but she wasn't amused. "I lookefd for you for years after you left. Where did you go? How did you leave? You didn't take any money or any of your clothes so how did you survive?"

"I had my own god looking out for me." She looked past me and smiled at the woman behind me. I turned around and saw the woman dressed in an elegant blue ballgown now with a huge smirk on her face.

"You're a god?" I asked her.

"You don't know how long I've waited for this moment. You nearly got my husband killed with your stupid bet." She informed me.

"So you're the one that's been making my life miserable all this time." I concluded.

"I just kept you from dying. Your wife is the one that added the misery." I turned around to face Alice but found her holding a gun pointed straight at my head.

"I've been waiting to do this for years." Alice told me.

"Wait, before you kill me, can I ask you a question?" I asked her.

"Sure. It's not going to stop me from killing you."

"I know, I can't wait for that part actually." I replied with a chuckle. "I just want to know why you sent that old woman who could barely remember what her name was to kill me?"

"That was actually my idea and I thought it was funny." The goddess behind me answered me.

"That's debateable." I shrugged my shoulders before I heard the deafening gunshot echo through my ears while the bullet quickly made it's home in my head. Finally I was being put out of my misery. I found myself falling to the ground but then a familiar feeling washed over my body and I found myself standing in front of my wife before she shot me again.

"What was that? I killed you, I saw it. You fell right in front of me." Alice told me.

"Apparently the gods still don't want me dead." I pointed out.

"Honey, what the hell are you doing?" The goddess shouted behind me.

"I have a bet that I need to settle." A voice echoed through the house.

"Great. I guess I get to spend a couple more years not dying." I sighed then walked past Alice.

"Where are you going?" Alice angrily asked me.

"I'm going to go find something stronger than water to drink then jump off a cliff, not neccessarily in that order."