Mr. Fixit

      Mr. Fixit

It was a blue Sunday at the Marin’s. The grandfather clock chimed nine bells and not a creature was stirring. Marilyn awoke and was pouring rain and cold and windy. She looked depressed.

She made her way down to the kitchen. Once there, she started the coffee maker and looked over the large board that listed all of the spring cleaning chores on the agenda for the day. The deal was that if it was sunny there were going out on a family picnic and no chores. But if it rained then they would stay at home and work. There had been a lot of negotiating and more negotiating because trying to get the gang to perform the annual ritual was like trying to find a feather in a hurricane.

The clock chimed ten o’clock and she smiled. The cup was half empty and it was time to muster the troops. At the bottom of the stairs she was greeted with three very unhappy faces.

“Cheer up, guys it’s only one day a year and after today you won’t have to clean until the fall.”

Camilla Jane, a pretty teenage girl rolled her eyes.

Allen, her older brother by a couple of years, gave his mother the thumbs down.

Jack, her husband, just shook his head.

“I want everyone in the kitchen in ten minutes.”

“Aw, mom, seriously?”

“Yes, seriously you all live here and there is nothing wrong with contributing to its cleanliness.”

“Your mother has a point and besides it is raining like a sieve out there.”

“Yeah, so what, it is raining out there.”

“I could still go to the mall?”

“You don’t have the use of the car; either one of you.”

“Okay, family huddle you two.”

Marilyn rolled her eyes.

“Okay, guys, there is no way out of this and you know it. The longer we protest the worst it will get and this cleaning stuff is going to just stretch out all day. If we go at it like tigers - or in your case a tigress - then we’ll be done in a couple of hours and have the rest of the day to ourselves.”

Camilla Jane and Allen thought about it and reluctantly agreed.

The minutes later they were ready, not very willing, but at leas capable.  

“Okay, Jack you are going to be in the basement.”

“Oh, God, not the basement. Anything, but the basement. It will be the end of me.”

“You’ll get over it.”

“Dad remember what you said?”

“You’re right, honey.”

“Okay, Camilla Jane you are going to clean out the pantry. This means dusting behind everything.”

Allen laughed.

“I had that chore last year and found a dead mouse.”

“Okay, mom, I am willing to indulge your fetish for spring cleaning but if I find one dead mouse, that’s it I quit.”

“If there is a dead mouse you can scream all you want it isn’t going to revive the little varmint. Besides, a dead mouse can’t hurt you.”

“Good point, mom.”

“Yes, Mr. Allen you are going to clean out the garage.”

“Okay, no problem.” He giggled.

She glared at him and he stopped.

“Okay, the rags and buckets and cleaning products are all available right here. I have created three separate work packages.”

“What are you going to do mom?”

“Everything else, if you really want to know plus supervise. The job is not done until it has earned my full seal of approval.”

“Let’s go, cause the quicker we get at it the quicker we are done.”

One by one, they grabbed their respective ‘work packages’ and moved slowly on to their designated areas.

“One second. Did you think I was that stupid?” She held out her hands and Camilla Jane slapped playfully.  

“Mom, you are so cool.”

“You know wha I want.”

“But, mom, I am expecting this really important phone call and-

“Now, young lady.”

“Geez, living here is like living in a prison.”

“Poor baby.”

She pulled out the phone and handed it to her mother.

“Your turn, sonny boy.”

“Mom, I am totally insulted that you would think that-

He handed the phone to her.

“Is that all?”

“Mom, like what are you a prison guard?”

“Hand it over.”

He pulled out the iPad out of his shirt.

“And that is all?”

“Mom, are you kidding me?”

“Do I have to frisk you like I did last year and embarrass you again?”

He pulled the watch out of his sock. Camilla Jane laughed.

He shot her a glance and she tapped him on the shoulder.

“This is why you are my so cool big brother.”

He relaxed and smiled.

Jack was slowly walking away.

“Jack, where do you think you are going?”

He turned around all innocent and naive.

“Huh? Sorry, can I help you out pretty lady?”

“Flattery will get you absolutely nowhere except add-on chores to the list.”

“I am clean.”

“I have been married to you for over twenty years and you have never pulled the wool over my eyes once and you aren’t about to start now. Where is it?”

“Where is what?  I have rights. I am a mortgage payer in this household and-

Marilyn reached inside his pants and pulled out the golf magazine.

“You need to set a better example for the children.”

“We aren’t children,” they said in unison.

“Go all three of you and you can get your stuff back when the chores are done.”

They left grumbling. She locked everything in the kitchen drawer and held the only key.

The grandfather clock rang every fifteen minutes reminding them of their time in the informatory.

Marilyn was cleaning the kitchen and was slowly moving out to go and inspect on everyone’s progress. Her first stop was Camilla Jane.

“Hey, baby girl, how goes it? Have you found any rodents?”

“Mom that isn’t funny. No, I haven’t found any dead rodents or live ones. You will hear me scream if I do.”

“Good job, honey and don’t forget to dust each jar individually.”

She left with a smirk.

“Slave driver,” she muttered under her breath.

Allen was loafing in the garage and as soon as he heard his mother approach he pretended to look busy.

“What have you been doing for the past forty-five minutes?”

“Working hard.”

She looked around and shook her head.

“Put your keister into gear mister.” 

She left and headed for the basement sneaking up on Jack who was reading a magazine.

“Honestly, you are a very poor example for the youngsters.”

He jumped.

“I had a question and then saw the magazine and figured-

Just then they heard the loudest blood curdling scream.

“Oh, God she found a mouse.”

All three rushed to the pantry and stopped stunned.

“Don’t anyone move and I’ll get the gun. Son if he tries anything protect the girls.”

Camilla Jane had been dusting every jar individually when something caught her eye. The young girl thought it was a bird or some debris floating around.  

But it wasn’t.

He was tall with multi-coloured hair that swirled atop his head and was a magic trick on how it stayed up. His shirt was backwards and pants had crescent moons, stars and planets on them. In some ways, he looked like an escapee from the insane asylum.

“Hello, Martins how are you on this rainy day?”

It was still raining hard and it just caked the stranger.

Jack came back with the twelve-gauge shotgun. 

“Call the police right now.”

“We can’t because mom has our phones.”

“What a shame,” said the stranger.

The rain fell harder.  

“You realize you can’t shoot me even if you wanted to.”

“Why not?”

“Because it is against the law.”

“You’re trespassing on private property and the way you are dressed you look like some escapee from the insane asylum.”

“I can assure you that I am not crazy.”

“You also scared my daughter.”

“Honey, put the gun down before you actually shoot him.”

Jack put the gun down slowly.

“Okay, what do you want?”

“It would be much better if we could conduct our business inside.”

Another clap of thunder hit hard and the rain only increased its torture level.

“Let him in for a couple of minutes out of the rain.”

So they let him in and he smiled.

“Okay, who are you and what do you want?”

“I am Mr. Fixit and I am here today because I heard that your family picnic was cancelled because of the rain.”

“How did you know that?”

“Because every spring the Martins go on a family picnic to the park. It is a seasonal ritual.”

“Once again, how do you know that?”

“Because it is not every day that a teenage girl wipes down every jar of home preserve carefully and methodically.”

He smiled at them.

“Well, the deal was if it rained we were to do the spring cleaning and next Sunday when it is sunny then we go to the park.”

“Well, that sounds like a good deal but what if I had a better offer?”

The four of them exchanged glances.

“Okay, like what?”

“What if I could reduce the hours it will take to do the spring cleaning into a mere few minutes?”

“I could watch my golf tournament.”

“I could have a long bubble bath.”

“I could go to the mall.”

“I could go back to sleep.”

“Great. All you need to do is sign the contract?”

“What contract?”

“A minor detail.”  

He pulled it out of his pocket.  

“I’m not signing anything.”

“That is a shame, Jack, How is the work in the basement coming along?”

“A little slow actually.”

Marilyn snickered.

“Yes, and at the rate you are going perhaps you will be lucky enough to see who wins the green jacket. Emphasis on the word perhaps.”

“I don’t like to sign contracts with strangers.”

“You are a shrewd man Jack. However, I am Mr. Fixit and with a name like that do you think I would never steer you wrong?”

His smile was infectious.

“Let me take a look at it.”

“Certainly, Jack.”

Jack perused the contract and it seemed legit.

“Okay, I need a pen.”

Mr. Fixit pulled out a pen from his sleeve.

“You can sign here and here and here.”

Mr. Fixit ripped off the first sheet and handed it to Jack. This is your copy and this is mine. It disappeared up his sleeve.

“Okay, what now?”

“I’ll be right back.”

They watched him walk toward the front door and slipped outside.  The four of them walked to the entrance and looked out the window.

“Hey, check out the wild looking van.”

The van was painted red with white swirled stripes. There were wires sticking out like puffs of wild hair that hadn’t been combed properly. The tires were huge and the vehicle sat up way high.  

Mr. Fixit was in the back of the van and a few minutes later came back with a wild looking contraption.

“What is that thing?”

“This is the doohickeycontraptionwhatchamacallitthingambobthingy.”

“The what?”

“I just call it the Cleaning Machine.”

“Oh, okay.”

It looked like something that somebody put together who was drunk. There were parts that didn’t fit properly and held together with tape. There were wires hanging everywhere. There were all kinds of buttons and knobs.

“What does it do?”

“It cleans.”

He bent down and pushed a couple of buttons. There was burp and suddenly the machine came alive. The lights bopped about as if punched by some invisible fingers and bells and whistles went off.

“I want the pantry cleaned.”

It turned around and zipped to the pantry.

They rushed after it.

Two arms came out with hands with a rag in one of then and started to wipe down jars.

“Oh, that thing is really cool.”

While the hands were dusting the jars, another hand was wiping down shelves.

“This is super cool.”

“You need to patent this thing and sell it. It would make you a fortune.”

Mr. Fixit smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

“It is a unique machine that cannot be duplicated.”

In ten minutes, all of the jars had been wiped down and replaced on the clean shelves. The floor had been washed and everything was all shiny and neat.

“What is the next room?”

“The garage.”

“No, buddy boy, the basement.”

“It can’t climb stairs.”

“Oh, the Cleaning Machine can climb stairs.”

Mr. Fixit leaned over and whispered to Allen: “Let’s humour your dad and do the basement first.”

Allen smiled and nodded his head.

“To the basement!

“To the basement!”

They rushed to the basement.

The Cleaning Machine grew some springy legs and lumbered down the stairs clumsily and in a comically fashion.

“Dad, you haven’t made a lot of progress.”

“Are you kidding me? I’ve been busting my hump.”

“Sure dad, slacking off as usual.”

“We’ll see how the garage is coming along.”

“Okay, let’s adjust the machine.”

Mr. Fixit bent over and the machine started up again and soon it was sweeping the floor and vacuuming the rug at the same time. In a matter of mere minutes, it rearranged all of the books on the shelf, picked up dirty dishes stacking them so they wouldn’t fall and folded all of the blankets and propped the pillows.

“Well, Marilyn are you satisfied?”

“Yes, I sure am.”

“Great.”

“To the garage!”

“To the garage!”

They all moved up the stairs and out to the garage.

“What was that crack about someone slacking off?”

Allen blushed.

“Not a problem, the Cleaning Machine will take care of business.”

And it did just that. The Cleaning Machine swept the floor, put everything back in its place including tools and sporting equipment that was scattered all over the place. Soon, the garage looked great.

“Well, that’s it for the spring cleaning.”

“Can I have my phone back?”

“Yes, you can.”

They made their way into the kitchen and Marilyn gave everyone their phone and other electronic devices back.

Mr. Fixit just stood there.

“Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Fixit. That was really fixing.”

Jack smiled.

“I will be on my way as soon as I get paid.”

Jack grimaced and shrug his shoulders.

“I didn’t know there was a bill.”

“Yes, well there is wear and tear on the Cleaning Machine. It is all in the contract.”

Jack pulled out the contract and didn’t see anything.

“I don’t see any price.”

“It’s in the fine print.”

Jack read it slowly and his face went grey.

“Are you kidding me what kind of scam are you trying to run?”

“Not a scam.”

“We don’t have this kind of money.”

“Well, that poses a real serious problem.”

“How much is it honey?”

Jack handed it to Marilyn. Her eyes popped out of her head.

“We don’t have this kind of money.”

“Yes, this is quite a shame.”

Everyone just stood there and didn’t know what to say and do.

“We have a wonderful payment plan and everything should be paid in about ten years.”

“Get out.”

“I am afraid that isn’t possible.”

“Oh, it’s possible.”

Jack attempted to grab Mr. Fun and the Cleaning Machine hissed at him then growled.  

“Honey, be careful.”

Jack backed off.

“Look, we aren’t going to pay this kind of money because we don’t have it.”

“I can understand your situation but we don’t work for free.”

“You didn’t tell us how much it was going to cost.”

“It was in the contract you signed, Jack.”

“Maybe we can offer you something in trade?”

“The only collateral that you have is this house.”

“The house is off the market.”

“Okay, you know what I am going to do for you people?”

“You’ve already done more than enough.”

“I will allow you to live in my van for the next six months, while I live in the house and-

“Get out.”

“I’m afraid that you don’t know what you are doing.”

Jack took off and came back with the shotgun.

“Like I said, get out.”

“Very well, Jack, but I think you are making a big mistake.”

Mr. Fixit walked out with the Cleaning Machine and got in the van. A minute later, he drove off.

“Well, that is that, I guess.”

Suddenly there was a loud crash that came from the pantry. They ran over and all of the work that the Cleaning Machine had done was being reversed. There were bad noises coming from the basement and the garage.  

“Jack, make it stop.”

“I don’t know how.”

Allen raced off to the garage and Camilla Jane flew down to the basement. In both areas dust was flying and all the work was being unravelled. When it stopped the rooms were disasters much worse then when spring cleaning had started.

They convened in the kitchen.

“I can’t believe this.”

“Well, what are we going to do?”

“It isn’t fair that we did all that work and now have to start back to square one.”

“It’s worse than square one, it’s square zero.”

Suddenly, the clouds cleared and the rain stopped. A ray of sun broke through and smiled on everything.

“I say we go for a picnic and resume spring cleaning next Sunday?”

“All in favour say I.”

They all laughed. In a few minutes, the picnic basket was packed and they were off for their family picnic.