Train Ride

Suitcase in hand, you head for the train station. You’ve finally saved up enough money to get far away, far enough at least, from him. All you have to do is take the first step, literally. There are only 30 minutes left until the train arrives. You try not to tear up at the reason that you want to leave. You instead try to focus on anything else, seeing imaginary cloud rust like figures on the old metal. Or focus on the fact that you’re pretty sure that you just saw a guy throw a water bottle into the trash instead of the recycle bin. Ultimately your mind drifts back to the argument you had the other week with him. You cringe as you remember where he hit you and how much your back ached when you tripped and hit the wall when he pushed you. Suddenly you remember the first time you tried to leave this place and the black eye that you got the next day. You can’t pinpoint why you stayed in the first place or why you tried to leave when the same thing happened every time. Your thoughts start to spiral and you can feel yourself going deeper down the hypothetical rabbit hole. Your skin starts to itch with paranoia. You can’t do this, how could did you think that you could pull it off? You’ve been with the same abusive man for 10 years and counting. Where else would you even go, who would take care of you in Colorado? He always made sure you guys had food and paid some of the bills, maybe he isn’t so bad. I would just find myself worse off without him. You feel attacked by all these self-inflicted questions your mind and doubt creep into the little courage you had left. You look up and see that there are only 15 minutes left until the train departs. 

You can see the seconds ticking away as if you’re watching water boil. Time’s testing your will. You feel as if time is running out for you to leave, even though you know this isn’t true. The train will depart in 14:45 minutes with or without you. As you go off into another daze you can almost faintly hear your name being called, as if fate is tempting you. You can hear your name louder now, coming in short breaths as if someone is running, yeah that doesn't sound like fate. You turn to find, in your wildest nightmares, that Travis has come looking for you. He looks sorry, worried like he’s sick to his stomach? Is this for me? Could he be this worried about losing me? This means that he does care about me, right? What do I do? 

“Please baby, don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. You are my life. I know that I have a problem, and I’m dealing with it I promise, I’m never going to go down that road again. Please just give me one more chance and I swear that I’m going to change.” You looked at him while he pauses thinking of what to say. You honestly can’t fathom why he always tries to get you to come back when it seems like you’re worthless to him. Then you think that this time might be different, but he always says that it will. You see him pull out his signature smile, the one that caught your eye in the first place. The smile that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world. You go to say something that he probably guesses won’t be yes because he cuts you off. 

“I mean-just, please. I need you in my life. I don’t know what I would do without you. There is no one else for me, I know that I've hurt you before.” he takes a deep breath “I swear that I will never hurt you again, or do anything to lose your trust in me. That’s the most valuable thing that I could ever have, love.” He looks desperate now like he can’t bear even the thought of losing me. His eyes have the sparkle they get when he gets passionate about something. After a moment I could feel myself giving in to him, his charms, his words.   

“I-I don’t know Travis. I feel like we’ve been through this before honey.” I can feel my heart melt when I see his doe eyes. I never know how he does it to me, but I always fall for him, every time.   

“P-please...I need you, babe. I can't lose you”   

You nod, not giving in, but feeling that he is going to change. At least you think that he will, well hope. He has to have meant what he said, he came all this way, just for you, because he needs you, he can’t live without you. You look up at the platform and you could see everyone staring at you with smiles on their faces. Like they already knew that you were going to go with him. You smile fondly and start to walk away with him ready to start your new life. As you start to walk out of the train station, and as you started to walk farther away you could feel his grip getting tighter and his pace start to get rougher. Like he was angry, but you were confused as to why he would be mad.   

The car ride back to your shared dingy apartment is silent and scary at the same time. When you finally get home he slams the door shut. Like he realized that he was getting angrier and angrier by the second. You don’t know what to do and suddenly it feels a lot more normal than you thought it was going to be. You can feel the door closing in your prison. You think about how you thought that this was going to be different, and if it actually will be. Clinging to the last bit of hope that you could have after all these years. So instead I think of the train ride off of platform 10 headed towards Colorado and wonder when I will catch my train. Or if I did too little too late.