Let It Be

After I realized about my super natural abilities, I used to spend time with myself, reliving various past memories of my life. It is not much different from what you do on daily basis, thinking of your favorite moments in your mind, losing yourself into it; except just that I am physically present there, feeling everything all over again. One thing I really hate is not being able to change anything in the moment. I am there just to see it, feel it, relive it. It is like having another me inside of myself, who cannot control what is happening. How often do you not want to change those embarrassing moments when everyone laughs at you, or delete those words you said that now you regret about, or add a point, in an argument, that you framed just after it; but you cannot, neither can I. But reliving some of those, is still fun, and with my abilities it is whole another level. Like thinking about those sixes, you had hit on the cricket ground early this morning, or those trips with friends and family, be it a late night walk with a loved one, or eating a piece of cake; for me everything becomes a reality again. Helps in introspecting sometimes, or just to be happy when feeling sad or desolated.

Unfortunately, this did not continue for very long. You have no time for day dreaming while on the field as a professional. And for my kind of dreams, you rarely even think about it. But here, I knew I was busy creating memories for my future self to remember. Whenever I did get time, I went back in some of those. It felt relaxing; sitting on a couch, comfortable, resting your back, and getting lost in one of your favorite days. Cherishing the winning ones and learning from the others. It is much like watching a series or reading a book; you know how it ends, still love to see the favorite part again and again. But as soon as you realize it is time to get back, you just come back, abruptly, without any changes in your life. But it is still fun. I keep seeking for such times, to spend alone.

As for the recent past, I don’t have to seek for these moments anymore. I have all the time in the world to dream. Because no one wants a man on a wheelchair to be there on the field, and there is nothing more I could do sitting at home, but keep rewinding that one instance over and over again. The moment that has brought my life to a stop. Wasn’t an accident on the field, but one while returning home. I be inside myself again, I am driving my car, music playing loud; the sky was already crying, as if it knew what was to come; now I know it too; I could see the intersection coming, I try my best to apply the brakes, I beg myself to stop, but all in vain, should have done it back then I think. But it is too late, I can see the other man coming, similar vibes as mine I guess, and I hear it, the crash. Earlier at the end of these forced dreams I used to see black, for this one I see crimson. I wake up abruptly, as I don’t know what happened next, all I remember is waking up in a hospital, Alive. They tell me, I won’t be able to use my legs anymore. It hurts remembering those words and also the reminiscence itself. And with my abilities, it is whole another level. But that is what my brain wants me do it seems. Over and over again. As if that is the only past memory that matters to me. It is, I guess, right now. And the regret becomes deeper every time I see myself, careless, or blaming the other person for ruining my life. There is no ‘getting back to the old me.’ My boon is becoming my curse.

But not anymore. I don’t want to punish myself for the rest of my life. And I think that is the first step towards healing. I am seeing a therapist. She helps me a lot, to recover from the mental trauma. Actually, only now I realize, healing of the wounds feels much easier than accepting them. The therapist thinks I have glimpses of the incident. I cannot tell her. I be in the incident and live it all over again. Still, her words help, she asks me to get involved in something I like. What I did like, is in my past, nowhere in the future. But those were changes I did not choose for, now trying to make changes that I want. I am trying my hand at writing. Not good at it, but still interested. And I am enjoying spending time at things I like. I feel like walking away from what many don’t.

 Recently I went to the hospital for some insurance and document works. After the process, I asked the doctor about the other person involved in the crash with me. I was eager to know. “He was found dead, sir”, he plainly replied, “his head banged really hard against the dashboard.” My whole surrounding came to a pause at that very moment. A broken soul wouldn’t have taken the blow, but the healing one had the capacity to accept. I still did not know what to speak. But felt as if I could write a lot, putting in all my emotions through the pen. I can feel myself changing. How I realize, it’s necessary to accept and to let go, and how it helps me improve my life. As for my super natural ability, some days I do go back in life, but just to feel a few things again. One thing I really love, is not wanting to be able to change anything in the moment; anymore.